Raise a Glass

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 05/27/2014

Amy competes in a drunk cooking competition, holds a press conference to address a disastrous bachelorette party and delivers a obnoxious wedding toast.

Going down?Yeah.

You live in the building?

(elevator ding)Yeah.

They keep making'em bigger every year.


(elevator ding)

You grew uparound here?

I was born here.

Oh, you were born here,in the elevator?

Kidding, it's my New Yorksarcastic sense of humor.


Looks like wecaught the local.

And what about you--You doing all right?

Everything allright?


Yeah, I'm fine,thank you.I'm fine, too.

I just need my firstcup of coffee,

then I'ma little better.

Not good for you, it'snot that bad for you.

Like red wine.

They say you havea glass of red wine

and it's good foryour heart.

This week went byfast, didn't it?

I mean, it'salready Thursday.

I was telling somebodyyesterday, I go,

"What is it, Tuesday--"They go, "No, Wednesday."

I go, "Shut up."

They go, "Look."

I looked, you know, and it wasWednesday, they were right,

but, yeah, you know,you gotta enjoy--

We got a couple of daysleft so we can enjoy those,

that's for sure.

So how you doing,all right?Mm-hmm, fine.

Me too, but rents keep goingup, paycheck stays the same.

Give me a break, right?

Ah, you got your health,that's what matters.

(repeated dinging)


Is this the elevatorgoing to hell?



This is hell.

(Satanic music)

Hot enough for you?

It's a dry heat,I'll say that.

I don'tmind the heat.

You know what gets me--The humidity.

Seen the newslately-- A lot going on.

I'm so hungry, I could eata (bleep) Nissan Versa!

Me too!

No, do not textMichael, Amy!

No!I love him and it'snone of your business.

What are these(bleep) baskets doing?

Who is that guy?

Two roommates, both drunkand only one chance to win.

The challenge, create anunforgettable meal using

a basket of mysteryingredients collected

from your kitchenbefore time runs out.

And the losing chefwill be "Sauced."


Chef Amy, Chef Kelsie,today you have...

A half-eaten Chobaniyogurt from 2012.

Four baby carrots.

A shriveled limeand a bottle of Lexapro.

Your time starts now.

Go, go, go,go, go, go!Go, go, go, go!

No, no, no!Go, go, go, go, go!

Okay, hurry, hurry,hurry, hurry...Okay!

Okay, here we go, okay--this is it!

Shots, shots,shots, shots!Shots, shots,shots, shots!


Okay, okay, okay.Okay, okay, give meone more!

One more, one more,one more.Okay, one more.

One more and thenwe do this game.

Give me it.

(Amy)My name is Amy.

This is bonkers, like, you guysrealize that, right-- Okay.

Wait, am I onthat screen?

Can you move itso I can see?

Before Idropped out of UNLV...


... I worked at a burrito placecalled The Dugout,

so as soon as I sawthe lime, I'm thinking, like...


This is (bleep) broken.

(Kelsie)I work in a bead kiosk.

It's a good gig.

But maybe my thingis cooking!

Oh, my--

I'm going so fast right now.

And look!

Oh, this isa tricky basket.

Especially when you're asblasted as these two chefs are.

More ingredients!

(Mateo)I like Amy's confidence,though.

She has all four burnerson high and nothing cooking.

This would neverfly at FUD.

Two minutes, chefs.


Look at me,Amy, Amy.

You were the prettiest girlat Fiddlesticks tonight.

The bartender wasso into you.

18, 17, 16, 15...

... 14, 13, 12, 11...

... ten, nine,eight, seven...

... six, five,four...

... three, two, one...

Time's up,please step away.




Today, I have prepared foryou a bruleed Lexapro,

parsnip coulis,spring carrots,

and roasted fennel.

Oh, (bleep).

I like the acidity of thelime with the starchiness

of the Lexapro.

Chef Amy.


Oh-- Chefs.

Today I prepared foryou mayonnaise

from a MyrtleBeach mug

that Michael gave me.

I think we've madeour decision.

I believe so, yeah.

Whose dish willbe Sauced?

Chef Kelsie.

Congratulations, you arethe "Sauced" champion.

I'm a for-real chef!

That's fair.

That's fair,you deserve it.

Can you guys get outof our apartment?


a bachelorette party busflipped over the Pines Bridge

and landedon top of a booze cruise

carrying a separate bacheloretteparty.

Now, our first responders wereon the scene almost immediately

and, as it turns out,the small penises we found

dotting the shoreline were notthe remains of young boys

but were,in fact, straw toppers,

or "dicky sippies," asthey're called.

These here.

These are used fordrinking alcohol out of.

I'd like to turn this overto the head of the ICU

at Mercy Medical,Dr. Todd Mandible.

Good morning.

As it stands, we are treating11 women for hypothermia

after spending several hoursin the water clinging

to inflatable sex dolls.

Four women, uh, remain incritical condition

in what I can only describe asa rat king situation

in whichthey are bound together

in a wet tangle of hairextensions and feather boas.

Thank you, Dr. Mandible.

We've questionedseveral witnesses.

One man recanted the followingconversation he overheard.

"Help, my best friendis drowning."

"She's not your best friend."

"Really-- Then whyam I the maid of honor?"

In every case, onlookers whocalled 9-1-1

urged us to take our time.

Sadly, there were fatalities

and for that I'm gonna turn itover to our chief coroner.

Thank you, sheriff.

Yes, therewere multiple fatalities,

including three alcoholpoisonings

that were notrelated to the crash.

(reporters murmuring)

(man)Can you give us somemore details?(man)

Well, at leastone woman drowned

after being knocked unconsciousby a bitch goblet.

(man)What's a bitch goblet?

To my knowledge, a bitch gobletis a large drinking goblet

with the word "bitch"stenciled in puff paint

across the back of it.

One woman who made a braveeffort to make it ashore,

but herhair was so messed up

and her makeup was sogrotesquely running

that some local farmers thoughtshe was one of the ghost girls

from "The Ring" and smashedher head with a shovel.

But probably the most tragicloss was a woman named Beth

who was surprised that she waseven invited to the party,

she was justa friend of a friend.

Thought about not going,decided, (bleep) it, why not go?

And she's dead.

I'd like to turn it overnow to the fire chief.


I'm sorry, that'sa surviving stripper.

Nice, okay.

Thanks, Barnabas.


(man)What happenedto the drivers?

Both the driver ofthe party bus

and the captain ofthe booze cruise are deceased.

They committed suicideprior to the accident,

for obvious reasons.

The survivors are currentlywith grief counselors

and we have made surethat those grief counselors

have their owngrief counselors.

Now, our... our thoughts andprayers are with the families

of the surviving girls, as thesegirls are the worst.

Please respect their privacy

at this humiliating time,thank you.

(reporters murmuring)

Congrats, guys.

(Amy)Uh, well, wait.

Thank you.

Um, okay, you can sit.

So, as you allknow, I'm Amy.

And as I'msure you also know,

I'd like to do somethinga little more special

than what we've been seeing sofar tonight.

When I first met Becca,I was all, "What the hecka?"

We'd go to a club togetherin all kinds of weather.

She slept with so many guys,I couldn't believe my eyes.

'Cause it wasso many.

She once went black.

And we thought she'dnever come back.

But then she met Dan.

He was a white man.

The only problem wasthat Dan and I once dated,

a fact Becca always hated!

But then theywent to therapy.

And now they areso happ-y.

So let's raisea glass to the--

This wedding is slammin'!

Okay, you guys,let's dance.

She never sticksthe landing.

Is this Veuve--What is it?

Dom-- Slammin'.

And may Godbless Rebecca's family,

who are still trying to findthe monster

who killed their beautifuldaughter.

Everyone wanted me to saya couple words, just--

Uh, I guess, uh, one ofRebecca's friends

would like tosay a few words.

Hey, guys, I'm Amy.

So I wrote somethingthat I think

expresseshow we all feel.

Here goes.

Does this come out?

Yes.You don't care?

Quite all right.

Rebecca has goneto a better place,

and I alreadymiss her face.

I'm sure whoever killedher has gone far away.

It would be best to stoplooking and start a new day.

The saddest part isthat Dan is now alone,

but he should know that he canalways call me on the phone.

So let's raise a glassto a beautiful lass.

Dan can also messageme on Facebook

and I put my numberup on my Instagram.

Is this Veuve?


Oh-- Is that okay?

("Law & Order" sting)

You're not answeringmy questions!

Where were you on thenight Rebecca was killed?

So let's raisea glass...

(gavel banging)

If you do that one more time,I'm gonna lose my (bleep).

I didn't mean it.

I sincerely apologize.

And I swear I'm notguilty, you guys.

I'm freaking out.

(gavel banging)

Any last words?

Rebecca's husband wasnever in love with her.

I hope I get a callfrom the governor.

So let's raise a glaaaaa...

(electric buzzing)... sssssssss....

I'm sorry, I justcouldn't take it anymore.