Margaret Smith & Jack Coen

  • Season 1, Ep 0115
  • 02/24/1992

A LOT OF COMICSARE HANGING OUT BACKSTAGE--

"WHO'S ON TONIGHT?

HOW COME I'M NOTON THE A LIST?"

THERE'S FISTFIGHTS,IT'S FABULOUS BACKSTAGE.

AND THERE'S ONE COMICWHO, I WON'T MENTION HIS NAME

BUT HE HAS LIKE FIVE CHILDREN

AND YOU KNOW, I'M 44,I HAVE NO FAMILY.

ACTUALLY, MY OTTOMAN

IS TRYING TO HAVE INTERCOURSEWITH MY COUCH.

I HOPE THAT WORKS OUT.

( whining: )HE SAID, "I TOOK MY KIDSTO DISNEYLAND."

I SAID, "FINE."

HE DIDN'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.

HE SAID, "I TOOK MY KIDSTO DISNEYLAND."

ACTUALLY, THAT WASLIKE A MAFIA GUY

AND I KID THE MAFIAAND YOU KNOW THAT.

MY FAMILY, WE HAD...

THEY WERE VERYDEPRESSED AND NEGATIVE

AND A LOT OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

WE HAD, LIKE, DEPRESSION FAIRSEVERY YEAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

WE HAD, LIKE, UH, LIKE, VERYTREMENDOUSLY CHEAP MAGICIANS.

THEY WOULD DO, LIKE,PUPPET SHOWS

OF CRIES AND WHISPERS YOU KNOW?

USUALLY A BALLOON MANWOULD GO--

"A POODLE!"

THIS GUY WOULD GO--

"A MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY."

IT WAS, LIKE, REALLY.

FORGET DISNEYLAND, WE HAD,LIKE, "NO TOMORROW LAND"--

A LITTLE IN THE BACK.

WE HAD A LITTLE LIONEL TRACKOF BLACK CATS

THAT WENT AROUND THE HOUSEALL THE TIME.

WE HAD AN ASPIRIN TOSS,THAT WAS A GOOD GAME.

WE WOULD TRY TO THROW A TABLET

ON THE TOP OF THE HEADOF A RELATIVE WITH A MIGRAINE

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS A GOOD ONE.

WE USED TO, MY FRIENDS AND I

WE USED TO TRADE BASEBALL CARDSOF PLAYERS ON THE DISABLED LIST

WHICH I THOUGHT WASA COOL THING.

WE HAD HYPO GRAB-- THAT WAS ME.

HYPO GRAB BAG,THAT WAS MY FAVORITE.

THERE WOULD BE A BIG POUCHWITH THINGS IN IT

AND YOU'D GO--

KIND OF LIKE THE OSCARS.

"I'M GOING TO GET THE FLU!

HEY, FANTASTIC!"

BUT MY FAVORITE GAME OF ALL

AT THE DEPRESSION FAIRIN THE LEWIS HOUSE WAS--

IT'S THE GREATESTOF ALL TIME

AND I SUGGEST THISTO ALL YOU FAMILIES OUT THERE--

IS PIN-THE-BLAME-ON-THE-DONKEY

WHICH I FEEL IS RIGHT...

IT'S REALLY GOOD TO BE ANYWHERE

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN IN ANECK BRACE FOR THE LAST YEAR.

I WASN'T IN AN ACCIDENTOR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.

I JUST GOT TIREDOF HOLDING MY HEAD UP.

( laughter )

SO I'M ORIGINALLY FROM CHICAGO,IT'S A...

( scattered applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S THE BLUES CAPITALOF THE WORLD.

IT HAS THE BEST BLUESIN THE WORLD.

I MOVED HERE, IT'S...

I'M DISAPPOINTED, YOU KNOW.

I WENT INTO A BLUES BAR HERETHE OTHER NIGHT

THERE'S FOUR BLACK GUYSAND A WHITE GUY ONSTAGE.

THEY'RE UP THEREWITH THEIR EYES CLOSED

JAMMING, GETTING DOWN

AND I NOTICEDTHE WHITE GUY PEEKING.

( laughter )

I GOT MY MONEY BACK.

( laughter )

OBVIOUSLY, YOUR MOMSDIDN'T CALL YOU TODAY.

( laughter )

YEAH, SHE CALLED--

"HI, EVERYONE'S GOOD, EVERYONE'SFINE, EVERYONE'S GREAT."

I SAID, "OH, WELL,HOW'S BROTHER JIMMY?"

SHE SAID, "OH,HE'S DOING REAL GOOD."

I SAID, "OH, DOES THAT MEAN

HE DOESN'T DO THAT WEIRD THINGWITH HIS LIPS ANYMORE?"

AFTER EACH SENTENCEHE'LL REPEAT IT WITH HIS LIPS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, HE'LL GO, "DIDANY OF YOU GUYS SEE MY SHOES?"

( laughter )

AND I'LL GO, "JIMMY, WHAT AREYOU DOING WITH YOUR LIPS?"

AND HE'LL GO, "WHAT?"

( laughter )

MY MOTHER ISA VERY SAD PERSON.

I ALWAYS KNOWWHEN IT'S HER ON THE PHONE

BEFORE ANYONE EVEN SPEAKS.

THE PHONE WILL RING,I'LL PICK IT UP AND I'LL HEAR--

( sighs dramatically )

THEN SHE ALWAYS GETS TO THE PARTWHERE SHE SAYS--

"WHEN ARE YOUGOING TO HAVE KIDS?"

LIKE I NEED A BUNCH OF PEOPLEHANGING AROUND MY APARTMENT.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, YELLING AT MEBECAUSE I BROKE THEIR YOLK.

( laughter )

( sighs )

( whistling )

YEAH...

SHE CONSTANTLY MAKES SUREI'VE DONE MY DAUGHTERLY DUTIES--

"DID YOU SENDA FATHER'S DAY CARD?"

I HATE THIS OCCASION BECAUSEI CAN NEVER FIND THE RIGHT CARD

BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL TOO NICE.

SO I USUALLY END UP GETTINGTHE BLANK WITH THE TREE ON IT.

DRAW A LITTLE PICTURE OF MYSELFHANGING THERE, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

THE BEAUTY OF THE BLANK

IS THAT YOU CAN WRITEYOUR OWN POEM, RIGHT?

LIKE THIS YEAR, "DEAR DAD,EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FAR AWAY

"I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY

AND TALK ABOUT YOU TWICE A WEEKIN A SUPPORT GROUP."

( laughter )

YEAH, MY FATHER WAS NO PRIZE.

HE WAS A GAMBLERAND AN ALCOHOLIC.

BUT HE WAS ALSO VERY VAIN.

SO ONE DAY HE GAVE UP HIS VICES

TO SAVE UP ENOUGH MONEYFOR A HAIR TRANSPLANT.

TWO DAYS AFTERTHE TRANSPLANT WAS COMPLETE

HE GOT DRUNK AND ON A $20 BETSHAVED HIS HEAD.

( laughter )

SO I OWE HIM 20 BUCKS.

( laughter )

MY MOM'S JEWISH, MY DAD'S IRISH-CATHOLIC ALCOHOLIC, YOU KNOW?

SO I WHINE ON THE INSIDE,YOU KNOW?

( laughter )

SO I'M IN THERAPY NOW,ANY OTHER THERAPY PEOPLE?

YEAH, IT'S...

OH, ONE, OKAY.

ONE HONEST PERSON IN HERE.

I NEVER HAD A THERAPIST BEFORE

SO I'M NEVER QUITE SUREIF IT'S A GOOD THERAPIST.

THERE'S NO ONETO COMPARE HER TO.

I THINK, "MAYBE SHE'SCRAZIER THAN ME," YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW,DOES YOUR THERAPIST

HAVE A BALLOON BUSINESSON THE SIDE?

( laughter )

YEAH, I GOT IN THERE,THERE'S A HELIUM TANK.

AND I GO, "WHAT'S THE TANK?"

I THOUGHT MAYBE SHE JUST LIKEDTO TALK FUNNY ONCE IN A WHILE.

"OH, I HAVE A BALLOON BUSINESS."

( resignedly: )"GREAT."

NOW, EVERY TIMESHE GIVES ME ADVICE

IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD I HEAR--

( humming circus music )

( laughter )

SHE SAYS, "MARGARET, RELAX

THERE'S A LIGHTAT THE END OF THE TUNNEL."

I'M THINKING,"YEAH, AND IT'S A TRAIN."

( humming circus music )

( laughter )

IT'S A STEPIN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

I'M ACTUALLY, UH...

WENT OUT TO DINNERWITH A MARINE LAST WEEKEND.

YEAH, HE LOOKED ACROSSTHE TABLE AT ME

AND HE GOES, "YOU KNOW, I COULDKILL YOU IN SEVEN SECONDS."

( laughter )

I GO, "OH, WELL,I'LL JUST HAVE THE TOAST THEN."

( laughter )

I LIKE HIM, THOUGH,BECAUSE HE FIGHTS.

EVERYWHERE WE GOHE STARTS A BIG FISTFIGHT.

YEAH, I LOVE FIGHTS.

WELL, I DON'T LIKETHE ACTUAL FIGHT.

I LIKE THE LOOSE CHANGEON THE GROUND AFTERWARD.

( laughter )

YEAH, WERE YOU EVER OUTTO DINNER WITH SOMEONE

AND YOU THOUGHT YOUWERE JUST GOING TO BURP

AND YOU PUKED INSTEAD?

( laughter )

THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING,YOU KNOW.

THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU.

( laughter )

AND YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHINGBECAUSE WHO'S GOING TO BELIEVE

YOU THOUGHTYOU WERE JUST GOING TO BURP...

RIGHT ABOUT HERE IT PICKED UPA HITCHHIKER.

BECAUSE THINGSARE GOING PRETTY GOOD FOR ME.

( laughter )

I DON'T KNOW, I'M MARRIED,I HAVE TWO GREAT KIDS

MY WIFE AND IJUST BOUGHT A HOUSE.

THE ONLY COMPLAINT I HAVE IS I'MMARRIED, GOT TWO KIDS, GOT A...

( laughter )

IT'S JUST HARD, MAN,AND TIME...

NOW THAT I'M ENJOYING MY LIFE ITSEEMS LIKE IT'S GOING BY FASTER.

IT'S GOD'S LITTLE JOKE,"OH, YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS?

I'LL SPEED IT UP."

I MEAN, FOR METO GO THROUGH A YEAR

IT'S FRIGHTENINGHOW QUICK IT IS--

CHRISTMAS, LABOR DAY,THANKSGIVING.

THAT'S ITAND IT'S GETTING FASTER--

( mumbles the three holidays )

BY THE TIME I'M 60,IT MUST CLIP BY LIKE--

BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY! BIRTHDAY!

( laughter )

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.

( laughter )

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUNGER.

EVERY TIME I LOOK BACK

I THINK, "GOD,WHAT A JERK I WAS!"

BUT WITH THAT KNOWLEDGECOMES THE REALIZATION

THAT I'M A JERK RIGHT NOW.

( laughter )

I THINK THAT'S WHYOLD PEOPLE GET REAL QUIET.

THEY'RE LIKE,"MAN, I'M AN IDIOT.

I'M JUST GOING TOSTAND RIGHT HERE."

( laughter )

( laughter )

MY WIFE HAS GOT SMALL BREASTS.

IT'S NOT NEEDED FOR THE JOKE, IJUST LIKE SAYING THAT ON CABLE.

( laughter )

I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,I LOVE MY WIFE.

IN FACT, SHE TALKED ABOUTGETTING BREAST IMPLANTS

BUT THEN WE FOUND OUTHOW DANGEROUS THEY WERE

SO SHE'S NOT GETTING THEM.

SO SHE JUST GOT ME THE IMPLANTS.

( laughter )

WHICH WORKS OUT BETTER

BECAUSE I CAN BRING THEMON THE ROAD WITH ME.

( laughter )

I NEVER CHEAT ON HER, I ALWAYSCALL WHEN I'M PLAYING WITH THEM.

"HI, HONEY."

THEY'RE SO REAL,ONE IS BIGGER THAN THE OTHER.

I DON'T WANT TO GETTHE WOMEN MAD BECAUSE...

I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON

BECAUSE CERTAIN GROUPS GET MAD

AND WOMEN AREREALLY STANDING UP.

AND I THINK THEY DESERVEEVERYTHING THEY'RE GETTING.

WOMEN WHO DO A JOB THE SAME ASA MAN SHOULD GET PAID THE SAME.

THEY'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD

AND MY HAT IS OFF TO THE CHICKS,I THINK THEY DESERVE IT.

HEY, COME ON, NOW,I'M PROUD OF THE LITTLE HONEYS.

I THINK THEY'RE...

STANDING NEXT TO EVERY GREAT MAN

THERE'S ALWAYS A BEAUTIFULARM PIECE AND I THINK IT'S...

I'M KIDDING!

THE WOMEN WITH A SENSE OF HUMORARE LAUGHING

THE OTHER WOMEN ARE GOING--

"THAT'S JUST THE STUFF WE'RE ALLPISSED OFF ABOUT, RIGHT THERE!

"HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOWHE'S PERPETUATING THE PROBLEM!

WHAT A JERK!I HATE THIS GUY!"

( laughter )

PEOPLE THINKBECAUSE MY NAME IS COEN

THEY AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMEI'M JEWISH

BUT I'M NOT,I'M IRISH-CATHOLIC AND...

NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHINGAGAINST JEWISH PEOPLE--

RICHARD IS PROBABLYFLIPPING OUT.

I THINK MY ANCESTORS WERE JEWISHBECAUSE WE TRACED OUR NAME

AND THE ORIGINAL COENS LEFTSPAIN DURING THE INQUISITION

WHEN THE KING WASPERSECUTING THE JEWS

SO WE THINK THOSE COENSWERE JEWISH.

AND AFTER BEING PERSECUTEDSO MANY YEARS

I THINK SAID TO THE OTHER, "YOUKNOW, LET'S JUST BE CATHOLIC.

"I'M TIRED OFGETTING MY ASS KICKED."

( laughter )

AND THAT'S HOW I INHERITEDMY FINE RELIGION.

I'M A CATHOLIC BUT I DON'T GOTO CHURCH ANYMORE.

I DON'T TRUSTORGANIZED RELIGIONS.

I GOT TO FIND A RELIGIONWHERE PEOPLE AREN'T INVOLVED.

RELIGION IS COMFORTING.

I ENJOY HAVING THATIN MY BACKGROUND

AND I WANT TO PASS IT ONTO MY CHILDREN

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

MY SON IS ONLY SIX,I CAN'T JUST TOSS HIM A BIBLE--

"HERE, READ THIS,TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK."

"JEEZ, DAD,THIS IS A LITTLE BIGGER

THAN CURIOUS GEORGE DOES THE WINDOWS."

BECAUSE FAITH IS A HUGE CONCEPTFOR ANYONE TO GRASP.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFULYOU DON'T SEND MIXED SIGNALS.

WHEN I FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ANDTHE EASTER BUNNY WEREN'T REAL

THAT MADE IT REAL TOUGHON GOD AND JESUS.

( groaning )

HEY, AT LEAST THE OTHER GUYSSTOPPED BY ONCE A YEAR

AND GAVE ME SOMETHING.

( laughter )

I'M NOT ANTI-RELIGIOUS THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSEMINE HAS LET ME DOWN

DOESN'T MEANI DISLIKE ALL RELIGIONS.

I DON'T LIKE PEOPLEPUSHING RELIGION ON ME.

COMING UP TO ME GOING,"JESUS LOVES YOU."

I'M THINKING, "YEAH, I'M SURE HEDOES BUT WHY WOULD HE TELL YOU?"

( laughter )

I'M SORRY, I JUST CAN'T PICTUREJESUS IN A MALL GOING--

"FRANK, COME HERE."

( laughter )

"GO TELL JACK I LOVE HIM."

( laughter )

( laughter )

I HAD AN EYE-OPENING EXPERIENCE.

I WAS WATCHING PBSAND THERE WAS A BLACK MAN ON

TALKING ABOUTTHE BLACK EXPERIENCE.

HE SAID WHAT GETS TO HIM IS

EVERY DAY HE IS REMINDEDOF BEING BLACK.

THAT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.

I WAS, LIKE, "WOW!"

HE TALKED ABOUT A WHITE GUYCROSSING THE STREET

AND WAITING FOR HIM TO COME BY.

THAT SUCKS TO HAVE TO BETHAT SELF-CONSCIOUS.

SO I'M ON THE ROAD 30 WEEKSOF THE YEAR

AND I WAS IN DETROIT AND THISGUY BROUGHT ME OUT TO THIS CLUB.

THERE WAS A LOCAL RAPPERHE WANTED ME TO SEE.

AND, WELL, THE WHOLE AUDIENCEWAS BLACK.

AND NOT FOR ONE MOMENTDID I FORGET...

I WAS WHITE!

I'M SITTING THERE GOING--

"BOY, THIS DOES SUCK,THERE'S NO DOUBT ABOUT IT."

( laughter )

( applause )

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHAT SCARES MEABOUT AIDS?

GETTING IT.

( laughter )

OUTSIDE OF THAT,IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME MUCH.

THE THING THAT SCARES MEABOUT AIDS IS

THAT IF YOU ACT RESPONSIBLEYOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF.

WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLEWHO DON'T CARE?

LIKE AN INTRAVENOUS DRUG USER?

HOW DO YOU EVER EXPECT

AN INTRAVENOUS DRUG USERTO ACT RESPONSIBLE?

"SHARING THOSE NEEDLESIS REALLY, REALLY BAD FOR YOU."

"YEAH, LIKE THISIS GOOD FOR ME."

( laughter )

"YOU MEAN, IF I DON'T SHARE,I'M A HEALTH NUT?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?"

( laughter )

NOW THERE'S A BIG DEBATE

ON WHETHER WE SHOULD MAKEMAGIC JOHNSON A HERO.

PERSONALLY I THINKIT DOESN'T MATTER.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT ISHE'S GETTING THE MESSAGE OUT.

THE MESSAGE IS:IT'S A HORRIBLE DISEASE

BE CAREFUL, IT'S OUT THEREAND PROTECT YOURSELF.

YEAH.

( applause )

AND THE EDUCATED AND AWAREPEOPLE AND CONCERNED PEOPLE

ARE GOING TO GET THAT MESSAGE.

UNFORTUNATELY YOU'REALWAYS GOING TO HAVE

THAT IGNORANT GROUPWANDERING AROUND GOING--

"MAN, I AIN'T PLAYINGBASKETBALL ANYMORE!"

( laughter )

"APPARENTLY THAT STUFF GETSON THE BALL!"

( laughter )

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