Margaret Smith & Jack Coen

  • Season 1, Ep 0115
  • 02/24/1992

A LOT OF COMICSARE HANGING OUT BACKSTAGE--

"WHO'S ON TONIGHT?

HOW COME I'M NOTON THE A LIST?"

THERE'S FISTFIGHTS,IT'S FABULOUS BACKSTAGE.

AND THERE'S ONE COMICWHO, I WON'T MENTION HIS NAME

BUT HE HAS LIKE FIVE CHILDREN

AND YOU KNOW, I'M 44,I HAVE NO FAMILY.

ACTUALLY, MY OTTOMAN

IS TRYING TO HAVE INTERCOURSEWITH MY COUCH.

I HOPE THAT WORKS OUT.

( whining: )HE SAID, "I TOOK MY KIDSTO DISNEYLAND."

I SAID, "FINE."

HE DIDN'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.

HE SAID, "I TOOK MY KIDSTO DISNEYLAND."

ACTUALLY, THAT WASLIKE A MAFIA GUY

AND I KID THE MAFIAAND YOU KNOW THAT.

MY FAMILY, WE HAD...

THEY WERE VERYDEPRESSED AND NEGATIVE

AND A LOT OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

WE HAD, LIKE, DEPRESSION FAIRSEVERY YEAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

WE HAD, LIKE, UH, LIKE, VERYTREMENDOUSLY CHEAP MAGICIANS.

THEY WOULD DO, LIKE,PUPPET SHOWS

OF CRIES AND WHISPERS YOU KNOW?

USUALLY A BALLOON MANWOULD GO--

"A POODLE!"

THIS GUY WOULD GO--

"A MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY."

IT WAS, LIKE, REALLY.

FORGET DISNEYLAND, WE HAD,LIKE, "NO TOMORROW LAND"--

A LITTLE IN THE BACK.

WE HAD A LITTLE LIONEL TRACKOF BLACK CATS

THAT WENT AROUND THE HOUSEALL THE TIME.

WE HAD AN ASPIRIN TOSS,THAT WAS A GOOD GAME.

WE WOULD TRY TO THROW A TABLET

ON THE TOP OF THE HEADOF A RELATIVE WITH A MIGRAINE

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS A GOOD ONE.

WE USED TO, MY FRIENDS AND I

WE USED TO TRADE BASEBALL CARDSOF PLAYERS ON THE DISABLED LIST

WHICH I THOUGHT WASA COOL THING.

WE HAD HYPO GRAB-- THAT WAS ME.

HYPO GRAB BAG,THAT WAS MY FAVORITE.

THERE WOULD BE A BIG POUCHWITH THINGS IN IT

AND YOU'D GO--

KIND OF LIKE THE OSCARS.

"I'M GOING TO GET THE FLU!

HEY, FANTASTIC!"

BUT MY FAVORITE GAME OF ALL

AT THE DEPRESSION FAIRIN THE LEWIS HOUSE WAS--

IT'S THE GREATESTOF ALL TIME

AND I SUGGEST THISTO ALL YOU FAMILIES OUT THERE--

IS PIN-THE-BLAME-ON-THE-DONKEY

WHICH I FEEL IS RIGHT...

IT'S REALLY GOOD TO BE ANYWHERE

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN IN ANECK BRACE FOR THE LAST YEAR.

I WASN'T IN AN ACCIDENTOR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.

I JUST GOT TIREDOF HOLDING MY HEAD UP.

( laughter )

SO I'M ORIGINALLY FROM CHICAGO,IT'S A...

( scattered applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S THE BLUES CAPITALOF THE WORLD.

IT HAS THE BEST BLUESIN THE WORLD.

I MOVED HERE, IT'S...

I'M DISAPPOINTED, YOU KNOW.

I WENT INTO A BLUES BAR HERETHE OTHER NIGHT

THERE'S FOUR BLACK GUYSAND A WHITE GUY ONSTAGE.

THEY'RE UP THEREWITH THEIR EYES CLOSED

JAMMING, GETTING DOWN

AND I NOTICEDTHE WHITE GUY PEEKING.

( laughter )

I GOT MY MONEY BACK.

( laughter )

OBVIOUSLY, YOUR MOMSDIDN'T CALL YOU TODAY.

( laughter )

YEAH, SHE CALLED--

"HI, EVERYONE'S GOOD, EVERYONE'SFINE, EVERYONE'S GREAT."

I SAID, "OH, WELL,HOW'S BROTHER JIMMY?"

SHE SAID, "OH,HE'S DOING REAL GOOD."

I SAID, "OH, DOES THAT MEAN

HE DOESN'T DO THAT WEIRD THINGWITH HIS LIPS ANYMORE?"

AFTER EACH SENTENCEHE'LL REPEAT IT WITH HIS LIPS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, HE'LL GO, "DIDANY OF YOU GUYS SEE MY SHOES?"

( laughter )

AND I'LL GO, "JIMMY, WHAT AREYOU DOING WITH YOUR LIPS?"

AND HE'LL GO, "WHAT?"

( laughter )

MY MOTHER ISA VERY SAD PERSON.

I ALWAYS KNOWWHEN IT'S HER ON THE PHONE

BEFORE ANYONE EVEN SPEAKS.

THE PHONE WILL RING,I'LL PICK IT UP AND I'LL HEAR--

( sighs dramatically )

THEN SHE ALWAYS GETS TO THE PARTWHERE SHE SAYS--

"WHEN ARE YOUGOING TO HAVE KIDS?"

LIKE I NEED A BUNCH OF PEOPLEHANGING AROUND MY APARTMENT.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, YELLING AT MEBECAUSE I BROKE THEIR YOLK.

( laughter )

( sighs )

( whistling )

YEAH...

SHE CONSTANTLY MAKES SUREI'VE DONE MY DAUGHTERLY DUTIES--

"DID YOU SENDA FATHER'S DAY CARD?"

I HATE THIS OCCASION BECAUSEI CAN NEVER FIND THE RIGHT CARD

BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL TOO NICE.

SO I USUALLY END UP GETTINGTHE BLANK WITH THE TREE ON IT.

DRAW A LITTLE PICTURE OF MYSELFHANGING THERE, YOU KNOW.

( laughter )

THE BEAUTY OF THE BLANK

IS THAT YOU CAN WRITEYOUR OWN POEM, RIGHT?

LIKE THIS YEAR, "DEAR DAD,EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FAR AWAY

"I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY

AND TALK ABOUT YOU TWICE A WEEKIN A SUPPORT GROUP."

( laughter )

YEAH, MY FATHER WAS NO PRIZE.

HE WAS A GAMBLERAND AN ALCOHOLIC.

BUT HE WAS ALSO VERY VAIN.

SO ONE DAY HE GAVE UP HIS VICES

TO SAVE UP ENOUGH MONEYFOR A HAIR TRANSPLANT.

TWO DAYS AFTERTHE TRANSPLANT WAS COMPLETE

HE GOT DRUNK AND ON A $20 BETSHAVED HIS HEAD.

( laughter )

SO I OWE HIM 20 BUCKS.

( laughter )

MY MOM'S JEWISH, MY DAD'S IRISH-CATHOLIC ALCOHOLIC, YOU KNOW?

SO I WHINE ON THE INSIDE,YOU KNOW?

( laughter )

SO I'M IN THERAPY NOW,ANY OTHER THERAPY PEOPLE?

YEAH, IT'S...

OH, ONE, OKAY.

ONE HONEST PERSON IN HERE.

I NEVER HAD A THERAPIST BEFORE

SO I'M NEVER QUITE SUREIF IT'S A GOOD THERAPIST.

THERE'S NO ONETO COMPARE HER TO.

I THINK, "MAYBE SHE'SCRAZIER THAN ME," YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW,DOES YOUR THERAPIST

HAVE A BALLOON BUSINESSON THE SIDE?

( laughter )

YEAH, I GOT IN THERE,THERE'S A HELIUM TANK.

AND I GO, "WHAT'S THE TANK?"

I THOUGHT MAYBE SHE JUST LIKEDTO TALK FUNNY ONCE IN A WHILE.

"OH, I HAVE A BALLOON BUSINESS."

( resignedly: )"GREAT."

NOW, EVERY TIMESHE GIVES ME ADVICE

IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD I HEAR--

( humming circus music )

( laughter )

SHE SAYS, "MARGARET, RELAX

THERE'S A LIGHTAT THE END OF THE TUNNEL."

I'M THINKING,"YEAH, AND IT'S A TRAIN."

( humming circus music )

( laughter )

IT'S A STEPIN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

I'M ACTUALLY, UH...

WENT OUT TO DINNERWITH A MARINE LAST WEEKEND.

YEAH, HE LOOKED ACROSSTHE TABLE AT ME

AND HE GOES, "YOU KNOW, I COULDKILL YOU IN SEVEN SECONDS."

( laughter )

I GO, "OH, WELL,I'LL JUST HAVE THE TOAST THEN."

( laughter )

I LIKE HIM, THOUGH,BECAUSE HE FIGHTS.

EVERYWHERE WE GOHE STARTS A BIG FISTFIGHT.

YEAH, I LOVE FIGHTS.

WELL, I DON'T LIKETHE ACTUAL FIGHT.

I LIKE THE LOOSE CHANGEON THE GROUND AFTERWARD.

( laughter )

YEAH, WERE YOU EVER OUTTO DINNER WITH SOMEONE

AND YOU THOUGHT YOUWERE JUST GOING TO BURP

AND YOU PUKED INSTEAD?

( laughter )

THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING,YOU KNOW.

THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU.

( laughter )

AND YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHINGBECAUSE WHO'S GOING TO BELIEVE

YOU THOUGHTYOU WERE JUST GOING TO BURP...

RIGHT ABOUT HERE IT PICKED UPA HITCHHIKER.