Tuesday, April 28, 2015

  • 04/28/2015

Stephen Tobolowsky, Alex Anfanger and Lenny Jacobson of Big Time in Hollywood, FL, talk trash as 90s rockers, list #BroBroadway musicals and guess which bad tattoos are real.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

THE APPLE WATCH.

IT'S HERE.

WELL IT'S NOT HERE.

I PREORDERED MINE SO I WILL GETIT PROBABLY IN THE FALL OF 2018.

I DON'T KNOW.

SOMEHOW A LOT OF ILLUMINATILIZARD PEOPLE ALREADY HAVE

THEIRS.

WHAT THE (BLEEP), MAN?

I AM ON TV.

DON'T I GET PRIVILEGE?

NO, I DON'T.

WELL, THAT OF COURSE MEANS THEREARE YOUTUBE VIDEOS OF PEOPLE

TRYING TO BREAK THE THING THEYJUST PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT A GOODOLD-FASHIONED DROP TEST.

>> AND 2, 1.

AND LET'S GO AHEAD AND TAKE A --WOW.

WHAT KIND OF GLASS IS THAT? ITHOUGHT THEY WERE SAYING IT'S

LIKE SAPPHIRE.

>> HE'S SO ANGRY.

>> Chris: OH, HE IS NOT DONEYET.

>> ARE YOU -- THEY CALL THISDURABILITY?

THEY CALL THIS DURABILITY?

>> Chris: NO, I DON'T THINKTHEY CALL THROWING YOUR WATCH

AGAINST THE SIDEWALK DURABILITY.

BY THE WAY, IT'S A DURABILITYVIDEO!

YOU MADE A VIDEO OF YOURSELFTRYING TO BREAK THE WATCH.

THEN YOU GET MAD AND THEN YOUSUCCEED IN DOING WHAT YOU SET

OUT TO DO.

IT IS LIKE GETTING IN YOUR CARAND TURNING THE KEY AND BASHING

THE STEERING WHEEL BECAUSE ITHAS THE (BLEEP)ING GALL TO START

ON YOU.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THIS KIDGOING TO SAY WHEN HE INEVITABLY

TAKES THIS TO THE GENIUS BAR,STEPHEN?

>> DOES APPLECARE COVER DAMAGEINCURRED BY VIGOROUS

MASTURBATION?

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD, I MEAN.

IF THEY DID I WOULD HAVE SO MANYCOMPUTERS.

LISTEN UP, PROWRESTLING FAN.

THERE IS A NEW BOSS MAN IN TOWN.

HE'S BALD, HE'S BAD AND HE'SSMASHING HEADS LIKE HE WAS

SMASHING PUMPKINS... BILLYCORGAN.

YES, THE 90S ALT-ROCK LEGEND ANDLIFELONG WRASTLING FAN

HAS TAKEN A JOB AS A PRODUCER ATTNA IMPACT WRESTLING.

APPARENTLY TO CREATE NEWCHARACTERS AND TAKE GREASED

MAN GRAPPLING INTO QUOTE REALLYFRESH NEW DIRECTIONS.

SO GET READY FOR THE BRUTAL NEWTAG TEAM OF MELON COLLIE AND THE

INFINITE BADNESS.

I'M USURE YO UKNOW THAT THIS WASTHE TWO-DISC SET THE SMASHING

PUMPKINS PUT OUT.

I AM A HUGE SMASHING PUMPKINSFAN. WE LISTEN TO RHINOCEROS

HERE ALL THE MOTHER-GRABBINGTIME.

SO IF CORGAN WORKS SUBTLE 90SROCK REFERENCES INTO THE

MATCHES, I AM ALL IN!

SATURDAY NIGHT, I WILL PLAY YOURPLACENTA FALL TO THE FLOOR!

THAT'S FROM THE BAND LIVE!

>> OH, YOU KIDS.

YOU DON'T KNOW MUSIC! WHEN I WASYOUR AGE PEOPLE MUMBLED AND YOU

DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE (BLEEP)THEY WERE SAYING BUT IT

DIDN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU WEREAUTOEROTIC ASYPHIXATING

YOURSELF WITH A CHAIN WALLET.

COMEDIANS, I WILL GIVE YOUPOINT IF YOU WORK SOME NINETIES

ALT-ROCK INTO A LITTLE WRESTLERTRASH TACK, STEPHEN.

>> I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU ARADIOHEAD LOCK.

I DON'T CARE IF IT HURTS, IJUST WANT CONTROL.

>> Chris: YES! SO GOOD!

POINTS. ALEX.

>> I AM GOING TO PILE DRIVE YOUSO HARD THAT IT FEELS LIKE RAIN

ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

FREE RIDE WHEN YOU ARE ALREADYPAYING FOR IT, BROTHER!

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

A THE TONY AWARDS WERE ANNOUNCEDEARLIER TODAY BUT YOU PROBABLY

ACCIDENTALLY HEARD ABOUT THATANDYOU DIDN'T KNOW.

LAST YEAR, 68% OF THEATERGOERSWERE WOMEN AND THE AVERAGE AGE

WAS 44, SO IF THOSE THESPIANSWANT TO BROADEN THEIR APPEAL,

THEY BEST TAKE SOME TESTOTERONEAND SHOVE IT INTO TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WAR, #BROBROADWAY,#BROBROADWAY.

LET'S BRING IN THE SPORTS CROWD,HUH?

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE BEAUTY ANDTHE BEAST MODE, OR 12 AGRO MEN,

OR THE BRODUCERS.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW AND BEGIN.

YES.

LENNY.

>> CLIFF NOTES OF MORMON.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALEX.

>> A (BLEEP)ING THING THATHAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE

FORUM, BRO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEPHEN.

>> MAN OF LA MUNCHIES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

LENNY.

>> PUSSY, THE MUSICAL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALEX.

>> THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ADOUCHE BAG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEPHEN.

>> SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITHGEORGE TRYING TO SCORE WEED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALEX.

>> INTO THE WOODS BECAUSE THEYJUST (BLEEP)ING DAVE & BUSTERS

THERE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEPHEN.

>> OKLA-NO HOMO.

AND NOW TIME TO PLAY EASYACCESS.

THANKS TO YOUTUBE WE CANRELIVE THE LOW-DEF MAGIC THAT

HAPPENED WHEN ORDINARY PEOPLETRIED TO MAKE TELEVISION ON

PUBLIC ACCESS.

OF COURSE WHEN I SAY ORDINARYPEOPLE I MEAN LSD-RAVAGED

LUNATICS WHO THINK JESUS SENDSTHEM SECRET MESSAGES THROUGH THE

PENNY SAVER CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU A CLIP OFPUBLIC ACCESS SHOW OR SOME OTHER

SORT OF AMATEURISH TELEVISION,FOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE

ME THE BEST TITLE FOR IT.

FISRT ONE -- THIS BROADCASTER'SPET PROJECT.

>> GOLD NUGGETS, WHOOPS, COME ONKITTY, NOW BIRD FEATHERS --

IGUANAS ARE EASY TO TAKECARE OF AS LONG AS THEY HAVE THE

RIGHT DIET.

WHOOPS...

SIT HIM ON THE FLOOR...

WHOOPS.

PUPPY DOWN.

>> Chris: HE'S DROPPING THOSEPUPPIES LIKE THEY'RE APPLE

WATCHES.

THEY'RE FINE.

ALEX.

>> THAT IS SARAH MCLAUGHLIN'SBITTER EX-BOYFRIEND.

>> Chris: POINTS.

VERY WELL DONE.

LENNY.

>> I THINK I SAW THIS ONLINE AT(BLEEP) PETA.

>> Chris: YEAH, OKAY. I THINK -- YEAH.

OH, SO ANIMALS FALL OFF PLACES IPUT THEM ON AND FALL HIGH OFF

THE GROUND AND I AM THE ASSHOLE?YES, YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE.

NEXT ONE, THIS ENVIRONMENTALLYMINDED ROCKER.

>> GOT TO JOIN AND SAVE THEWORLD.

I THINK WE SHOULD CHANGE.

CHEC OUT THIS GUITAR.

>> WHO WAS ON GUITAR?

>> Chris: I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I JUST LOVED SOMEONE TALKINGTHROUGH A SWEET GUITAR RIFF.

TOBOLOSWKY.

>> GREENPEACE OF (BLEEP).

>> Chris: POINTS.

LENNY JACOBSON.

>> MUSIC TO BURN DOWN A WHOLEFOODS TO.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS PSYCHIC WHO DRAWS PEOPLEWITH HER EYES CLOSED.

>> A PSYCHIC DRAWING OF BRIAN,SO --

>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT --

WHAT IS GOING TO COME OUT OFTHIS PEN.

THIS IS HOW PSYCHIC IT IS.

AND I AM NOT EVEN -- I MEAN, IDON'T KNOW WHAT THE PEN IS

DOING.

>> Chris: THAT IS AMAZING.

LENNY.

>> SHE IS OBVIOUSLY CHALLENGINGTHE GHOST OF RON JEREMY.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

>> WHO IS ALIVE.

>> Chris: HE IS STILL ALIVETOO.

>> IT DOESN'T MATTER.>> Chris: TOBOLOWSKY.

>> PAINT BY NUMBERS OF REPRESSEDMEMORIES.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

MAYBE BRIAN'S A DICK.

WE DON'T KNOW.

>> I JUST LOVE THE FEAR IN HISEYES.

RIGHT BEFORE THEY CUT TO THAT,IT'S JUST PURE FEAR.

>> Chris: HE HAS A DICK FOR ASOUL.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,TAT-SCREWED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES TATTOOS ARE LIKEGOLD MEDALS IN THE BAD DECISION

OLYMPICS BECAUSE WHEN LIFE HANDSYOU LEMONS WHY NOT MAKE TOO MUCH

MIKE'S HARD LEMONADE AND LET ARETIRED BMX BIKER (BLEEP) ON

YOUR SKIN WITH A TATTOO GUN.

THE CAPPER? WHEN YOU SHARE THATBAD DECISION ON THE INTERNET.

I WILL DESCRIBE TWO TERRIBLETATTOOS AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU

TELL MEWHICH ONE IS REAL.

FIRST UP --

A HAND TATTOOED MICKEY MOUSE'SHAND OR A FOOT TATTOOED

LIKE AN AIR JORDAN.

STEPHEN.

>> I THINK IT HAS TO BE THE HANDTATTOOED LIKE MICKEY MOUSE'S

HAND.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

NOPE.

>> WOW.

>> Chris: NOW THE LOGISTICALPROBLEM WITH THIS TATTOO IS THE

SHOE IS TOO SMALL.

IT'S JUST TOO SMALL.

>> DO YOU THINK HE GOES TO THEBASKETBALL COURT AND HE IS LIKE,

YO, GUYS, CHECK OUT MY NEW JS.

>> Chris: THOSE ARE YOURDISGUSTING FEET.

>> NO, MAN, I JUMP HIGHER.

>> Chris: NO, YOU JUST BROKE ALLOF YOUR TOES.

>> NO MAN, IT'S THE SHOES.

>> THAT'S AWFUL.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE --

A MICHAEL JACKSON TATTOO THATSAYS HE TOUCHED SO MANY.

OR -- YOU GUYS ARE SICK.

OR RANDY JACKSON TATTOO THATSAYS DAWGY STYLE.

LENNY.

>> PLEASE, PLEASE BE MICHAELJACKSON'S TATTOO.

>> Chris: SHOW ME THE MAN INTHE MIRROR!

THERE IT IS.

>> THE GREAT THING IS IF HE GETSA REALLY, REALLY GOOD TAN HE

GOES BACK TO THE OTHER MICHAELJACKSON.

>> IT IS POETIC.

>> Chris: FINALLY AMERICA'SWORST TATTOO BROUGHT US WHICH OF

THE FOLLOWING: A VOMITTINGSHRIMP OR A SUICIDAL HOT DOG.

TOBOLOWSKY.

>> GOTTA BE THE SUICIDAL HOTDOG.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

SUICIDAL HOT DOG!

>> YES.

>> WELL DONE, WELL DONE.

>> IT'S GOTTA BE, IT'S GOTTA BE.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

AS WE GO TO THE NEXT GAME, BURYTHE LEAD, BURY THE LEAD.

(APPLAUSE)

I MEAN, I DO NOT HOWE WE AREGOING TO COME TOGETHER AGAIN

AS A SOCIETY AFTER THIS NEXTSTORY.

IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS, GREY'SANATOMY MURDERD FAN FAVORITE

DR. MCDREAMY, WHO IS NOT A REALDOCTOR.

HE'S AN ACTOR BY THE NAME OFPATRICK DEMPSEY.

IN OTHER NEWS, GREY'S ANATOMY ISSTILL ON THE AIR FOR SOME

REASON?

FANS ARE OUTRAGED.

COURTNEY WILLIAMS OF SNELLVILLE,GEORGIA HOPES TO CHANGE

THE NETWORK'S MIND AND BRING DR.MCD BACK FROM THE DEAD WITH AN

ONLINE PETITION BECAUSE THAT'SHOW DEATH WORKS IN A REAL LIFE.

LET ME READ YOU SOME OF THEREASONABLE PARTS.

YOU DO NOT HAVE SOMEONE SURVIVEA MASS MURDER, A PLANE CRASH, A

FREAKING PLANE CRASH AND ANEURAL SURGEON JUST TO KILL THEM

OFF ON A BEAUTIFUL DAY.

SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, SHONDA?

SERIOUSLY, MS. RHIMES?

AND THEN A BUNCH OF PUNCTUATION.

THIS PETITION HAS ALREADYREACHED ALMOST 75,000

SIGNATURES, SO GOOD ON YOU,INTERROBANGS LADY.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE OTHERCIRCULATIONS BEING, PETITIONS

BEING CIRCULATED BY FANS IN 60SECONDS AND BEGIN.

STEPHEN.

>> JUSTIFIED REBOOT BY PUPPETS.

>> Chris: I WOULD WATCH PUPPETSJUSTIFIED, POINTS.

ALEX.

>> MAKE ALF REAL, GOD DAMNIT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

LENNY.

>> STOP JUDGING AMY.

SHE'S DOING THE BEST SHE CAN.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

STEPHEN.

>> PROPERTY BROTHERS, LET THEM(BLEEP), LET THEM (BLEEP), LET

THEM (BLEEP).

COME ON!

>> Chris: POINTS.

STEPHEN.

>> RELEASE A LIVE BEAR ON THESET OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF

BEVERLY HILLS.

>> Chris: YES.

I THINK EVEN THE BEAR WOULDBE LIKE I AM NOT GOING TO EAT

THIS TAINTED MEAT.

POINTS.

ALEX.

>> A THROWN OF GAMES WANT TO SEEMORE TRAVEL ON HORSEBACK FROM

ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER PLACE.

>> Chris: YEAH, WHY ARE WE NOTGETTING SERVICED?

I WANT TO SEE LESS MURDERS,LESS DRAGONS, LESS BOOBS, AND

MORE TRAVEL.

>> WE WANT MORE TRAVEL!

>> Chris: GO TO THE NORTH,BACK THE SOUTH.

TO THE CASTLE, BACK TO THELANISTERS.

>> I WOULD WATCH THAT.

>> Chris: I WOULD WATCH THAT.