CC Presents: Doug Benson

  • Season 8, Ep 11
  • 03/04/2004

WOW, YOU GUYS ARE GREAT ALREADY.

DAMN!

I FEEL KINDA BAD BECAUSE I HAVESOME UM, SOME UH, BAD NEWS.

I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND I'VE GOTBAD NEWS.

THE BAD NEWS IS I'VE BEENFARTING A LOT LATELY.

[LAUGHTER]BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS IT SMELLS

LIKE McGRIDDLES.

[LAUGHTER]I LOVE McGRIDDLES.

HOW YA DOIN', NEW YORK?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]MAN, THIS IS A SEXY CROWD.

YOU GUYS ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE.

I WANNA MAKE LOVE TO EACH ANDEVERY ONE OF YOU...

[LAUGHTER]BUT ONLY A LUCKY FEW WILL BE

CHOSEN.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS.

A LOT OF COMEDIANS WORK REALLYHARD ON THEIR JOKES, WHICH

I THINK IS AWESOME.

YOU KNOW?

I THINK IT'S TOTALLY THE WAYTO GO, IF YOU'RE A COMEDIAN,

DO JOKES.

IT'S PERFECT.

BUT WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING LATELYIS WORKING ON MY SEGUES.

THOSE ARE THE TRANSITIONSBETWEEN THE JOKES THAT LET THE

AUDIENCE KNOW THAT YOU'VECHANGED TOPICS.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

SO, I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY JOKESTONIGHT, BUT I HOPE YOU REALLY

ENJOY MY SEGUES.

LET'S GET STARTED.

[LAUGHTER]I RECENTLY GOT TEVO WHICH IS

THIS AWESOME INVENTION THATRECORDS--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]YEAH, TEVO!

IT RECORDS--I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE IN THE

BALCONY HAVE TEVO.

USUALLY IT'S THE PEOPLE UPFRONT.

BUT, AH--TEVO RECORDS TELEVISION PROGRAMS

FOR YOU WITHOUT YOU EVEN TELLINGIT TO.

IT JUST FIGURES OUT WHAT YOULIKE, AND IT RECORDS IT FOR YOU

WHICH IS AWESOME.

BUT RECENTLY I CAME HOME ANDMY TEVO HAD RECORDED TOUCHED

BY AN ANGEL.

[LAUGHTER]AND I WAS LIKE WHAT THE...

AND THEN I REALIZED THAT MY TEVOFIGURED OUT THAT I LIKE CRAP.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]WHICH REMINDS ME, I WAS ON

THE TOILET FOR SO LONG THE OTHERDAY...

[LAUGHTER][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS ON THE TOILET FOR SO LONG,I FINALLY SAID TO MYSELF,

"I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]PIGS LIKE [BLEEP].

DID YOU KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]THAT IN YOUR LIFETIME YOU ARE

MORE LIKELY TO GET ATTACKEDBY A DOMESTICATED PIG THAN BY

A SHARK.

THAT IS A TRUE STATISTIC,ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A

TENDENCY TO SWIM INPIG-INFESTED WATERS.

[LAUGHTER]DINGOES CAN SWIM.

I USED TO HAVE--[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I USED TO HAVE A PET DINGO.

I USED TO HAVE A PET DINGO,BUT THE MOST IRONIC THING

HAPPENED.

A BABY ATE MY DINGO.

BABIES LOVE VEGAS.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IN

VEGAS, BESIDES HOOKERS, IS--IS CALLED "SWIM UP BLACKJACK".

THAT'S WHERE THEY HAVE ABLACKJACK TABLE BY THE SIDE OF

THE POOL AND YOU SWIM OVERTO IT, AND THEN YOU SIT ON A

STOOL THAT'S SUBMERGED IN THEWATER AND YOU PLAY BLACKJACK.

IT'S AWESOME.

BUT THE LAST TIME I WAS THERE,THE DEALER YELLED AT ME FOR

GETTING THE CARDS WET.

I WAS LIKE, "BUT I'M IN A POOL,JIMMY, FROM PHOENIX."

[LAUGHTER]ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE TO ADMIT,

I DO HAVE A TENDENCY WHENI HIT 21, TO BE LIKE "I GOTTA

BLACKJACK!"[LAUGHTER]

SO WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SIR?

SEATTLE IS ANOTHER CITY...

[LAUGHTER]THAT I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT,

BECAUSE IN SEATTLE THEY HAVEA SAYING, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE

THE WEATHER, WAIT FIVE MINUTESAND THEN SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE

FACE OR HAVE A DRINK."

I ACTUALLY SPENT SOME TIMEDRINKING WITH MY GRANDFATHER

ONCE.

HAS ANYBODY HERE EVER DONETHAT...

WITH MY GRANDFATHER?

[LAUGHTER]THAT'D BE A WEIRD ASS

COINCIDENCE.

YOU DID, SIR?

AND IT WAS REALLY A STRANGEEXPERIENCE, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

IT'S LIKE YOUR OWN FUTURESITTING THERE ON THE BAR STOOL

NEXT TO YOU.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "HMMM, THATDOESN'T LOOK GOOD."

AND I SAID TO MY GRANDFATHER,I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I'VE HAD TOO MUCH,I THINK I BETTER STOP, I THINK

I'M DRUNK."

AND MY 85 YEAR-OLD GRANDFATHERACTUALLY SAID TO ME, "YOU'RE

NOT DRUNK UNTIL YOU HAVETO GRAB THE GRASS TO KEEP FROM

FALLING OFF OF THE EARTH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT!

GO FOR THE GUSTO, GRANDPA!

SO, WHAT ELSE IS IN THE NEWS?

I HAVE BEEN IN KIND OF A SEXUALDRY SPELL LATELY.

IN THE PAST FEW YEARS, I'VE ONLYHAD SEX IN MONTHS THAT END IN

"ARCH".

[LAUGHTER]

IN YEARS THAT HAVE AN OLYMPICS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

JUST THE SUMMER GAMES.

WHICH IS A SHAME, BECAUSE I AMGREAT IN BED.

I AM.

I'M EXCELLENT IN THE OLDSACKAROONI, 'CAUSE I DO THINGS

FOR THE LADIES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

[LAUGHTER]I DO THINGS--

I DO THINGS FOR THE LADIES THATTHEY APPRECIATE.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

DURING THE ACT OF LOVEMAKING,I WILL ACTUALLY WARN THE WOMAN

WHEN I'M ABOUT READY TO WRAPIT UP.

[LAUGHTER]I THINK THAT'S A VERY SWEET

GESTURE.

I'LL WHISPER SOMETHING ROMANTICIN HER EAR.

SOMETHING LIKE, "T MINUS10 SECONDS...

NINE...

EIGHT...

OOPS!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SORRY, NICE LADY.

HAVE A GOOD APRIL."

Doug Benson: DRUGS ARE BAD.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE THINK THAT

MARIJUANA SHOULD BE LEGALIZED

BY APPLAUSE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU FIND OUT RIGHT AWAY WHO

THE STONERS ARE, 'CAUSE I SAY

BY APPLAUSE, AND THEY GO

"WHEEEEWWWWWW!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M ACTUALLY TOURING THE

COUNTRY IN A SHOW RIGHT NOW

CALLED "THE MARIJUANALOGUES."

AND IT'S TRUE.

AND IT'S JUST LIKE "THE VAGINA

MONOLOGUES" BUT WITH POT

INSTEAD OF VAGINAS.

BUT VAGINAS ARE ENCOURAGED

TO ATTEND.

YOU KNOW, WE WANT VAGINAS IN

THE SEATS, BUT THE SHOW IS ALL

ABOUT POT.

AND WE DON'T WANT ANY

POT-SMOKING VAGINAS, BECAUSE

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

AND I SAW IT ONCE IN INDONESIA,

AND I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO GET

IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

UGH.

I RECENTLY CUT BACK ON MY POT

SMOKING, SEVERELY.

I RARELY SMOKE IT ANYMORE.

NOW, THE ONLY TIME I SMOKE POT

IS WHEN IT IS GIVEN TO ME BY

STRANGERS AFTER THE SHOW

TONIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S THE ONLY TIME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RECENTLY I GOTPULLED OVER FOR

DRIVING IN THE HIGH OCCUPANCYVEHICLE LANE, AND I WAS LIKE,

"HOW DID HE KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]THAT I WAS IN THE CAR BY MYSELF?

BECAUSE THE COP, YOU KNOW,HE HAD TO GIVE ME THE BIG COP

SPEECH.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW YOU HAVETO HAVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON

IN THE VEHICLE TO DRIVE IN THEH.O.V. LANE.

I WAS LIKE, "CHECK THE TRUNK...

[LAUGHTER]YOU BIG FAT IDIOT."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]SO, THAT WAS KIND OF AN

EXPENSIVE TICKET.

ANOTHER THING I DON'T ENJOYWHEN I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR

IS ALL THE STUFF THAT PEOPLEPUT ON THE BACK OF THEIR CARS

THAT I HAVE TO READ, 'CAUSEI'M A GOOD DRIVER AND I'M

LOOKING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE PERSONALIZED PLATES THATYOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THE

HELL MESSAGE THEY WERE TRYINGTO GET OUT TO THE WORLD.

YOU'RE LIKE STARING AT ITGOING, "WHAT IS--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE Q IS FOR?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAP--"DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVE A

PERSONALIZED PLATE?

ANYBODY DOWN IN FRONT HERE?

ANYONE AT ALL?

I DON'T MEAN TO POINT.

IT'S RUDE.

NONE OF YOU DO?

YOU'RE THE COOLEST AUDIENCEOF ALL TIME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]AND THEN SOME PEOPLE GO OUT

AND BY LICENSE PLATE FRAMESFOR THEIR LICENSE PLATE, 'CAUSE

THEY'RE A WORK OF ART SO YOUGOTTA FRAME 'EM.

AND THEY HAVE LITTLE CUTESYEXPRESSIONS ON 'EM YOU KNOW LIKE

"MY OTHER CAR IS A PORSCHE."

HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!

HEE-HEE-HEE!

WHY DON'T THEY GET SOMETHINGTHAT SAYS, "MY OTHER LIFE HAS

MEANING."

[LAUGHTER]OR OVER IN ENGLAND, THEY COULD

HAVE ONE THAT SAYS, "MY OTHERTOOTH IS MISSING."

[SUBDUED LAUGHTER]OH, PEOPLE FROM ENGLAND HERE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "BUT THEY'RE

OUR ALLIES."

[LAUGHTER]I ACTUALLY GOT TO PERFORM IN

ENGLAND.

THAT WAS PRETTY COOL.

I WAS IN LONDON AND I WENT TOBUCKINGHAM PALACE, 'CAUSE YOU

CAN MESS WITH THE GUARDS.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO MOVE OR TALK OR DO ANYTHING.

THEY JUST HAVE TO STAND THEREAT ATTENTION WITH THAT REALLY

TALL AFRO HAT WITH THE CHINSTRAP THAT DOESN'T QUITE MAKE

IT UNDER THEIR CHIN.

AND THEY JUST HAVE TO STANDTHERE, RIGHT, SO YOU CAN GET UP

RIGHT UP IN THEIR FACE AND BELIKE...

NEE-NEE-NEE-NEE-NEE!

BUT WHEN I WAS THERE, THERE'STHIS BRITISH WOMAN THERE WHO

TRICKED ME.

SHE GOES, "YOU CAN TWEAK HISNOSE, IF YOU'D LIKE.

GO AHEAD.

PINCH HIS BUM."

AND I'M THINKING, "I DON'T UM...

OKAY."

AND I REACH OUT, AND I GAVEHIS NOSE A LITTLE TWEAK.

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU GUYSNOTHING CLEARS UP JET LAG

QUICKER THAN THE CRACK OF AGUN BUTT AGAINST YOUR SKULL.

[LAUGHTER]IT REALLY BRINGS YOU RIGHT

AROUND.

YEAH.

[APPLAUSE]IT'S BETTER THAN 12 CUPS OF

COFFEE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TRAVEL AROUNDTHE COUNTRY DOING STAND-UP.

AND WHEN I HAVE MY DAYS FREE,WHICH I DO EVERY DAY, I LIKE

TO GO SEE A BALLGAME, RIGHT?

AND I'LL HAVE LIKE SEVEN, EIGHT,NINE, TEN BEERS, AND THE 2nd

INNING WILL ROLL AROUND ANDI GOTTA GO.

[LAUGHTER]SO, I RUN UP TO THE MEN'S ROOM,

AND THIS HAPPENS AT EVERYSTADIUM IN THE COUNTRY,

NO MATTER HOW LONG THE MANTROUGH IS-- YOU KNOW THERE'S

ALWAYS MAN TROUGH IN THERE--AND NO MATTER HOW LONG IT IS,

YOU'RE ALWAYS ELBOW TO ELBOWWITH SOME GUY WHO'S BLASTED

OUT OF HIS MIND, AND HE'S GOTIT OUT AND HE'S WHIPPING IT

AROUND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]AND I AM SHY, YOU GUYS.

I LIKE MY OWN SEPARATE SPACE.

I LIKE WALLS AND A DOOR AND ALOCK AND A GUARD AND A HI-TECH

SECURITY SYSTEM WITH LASERS.

SO ONE TIME I WAS USING THE MANTROUGH.

I WAS WORKING IT AT CANDLESTICKPARK IN THE BAY AREA.

AND THERE WAS A GUY STANDINGNEARBY ME, LEANING OVER HIS

CHILD.

AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

THIS IS THE CONVERSATION THATWAS TAKING PLACE BETWEEN THEM.

HE WAS LIKE, "YOU BETTER PEERIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA SPANK

YOU!

IF YOU DON'T PEE I'M GONNA GIVEYOU A SPANKING YOU WILL NEVER

FORGET!

YOU DRAGGED ME AWAY FROM THEGAME.

YOU SAID YOU HAD TO PEE!

NOW PEE, DAMMIT, OR I'M GONNASPANK YOU!"

[LAUGHTER]OKAY, I'M RIGHT OVER HERE.

NOW, I CAN'T PEE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A FULL-BLOWN ADULT,

AND I CAN'T TAKE THAT KIND OFPRESSURE.

THE WORD SPANKING AND PEEINGSHOULD NEVER BE SAID IN THE

SAME DAY.

YOU JUST SAY ONE ON ONE DAY,ONE THE NEXT.

ALTERNATE 'EM 'CAUSE THAT ISNO WAY FOR THAT GUY TO BE

RAISING HIS TEENAGER.

[LAUGHTER]THAT POOR, POOR GIRL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

LIKE MOST COMICS, I JUST BROKEUP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

[LAUGHTER]AND THE REASON WE BROKE UP IS

BECAUSE I CAUGHT HER LYING...

UNDER ANOTHER MAN.

[LAUGHTER]AND THAT'S WHERE YOU REALLY HAVE

TO STOP AND--[APPLAUSE]

OKAY.

THAT'S FINE.

GO AHEAD AND APPLAUD MYGIRLFRIEND HAVING SEX WITH

ANOTHER MAN.

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.

SO, TO HELP MYSELF FEEL BETTERABOUT THE BREAK UP, I'VE TURNED

TO THE WORLD OF POETRY.

DO YOU GUYS LIKE POETRY?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTERABOUT THE BREAK UP.

WHAT I DID WAS I WROTE A HAIKU,RIGHT, 'CAUSE YOU LEARN HOW TO

WRITE A HAIKU IN HIGH SCHOOL.

WHY WALK AWAY?

APPLY IT TO YOUR LIFE.

SO, THIS IS A HAIKU IN PERFECTHAIKU FORM ABOUT MY

EX-GIRLFRIEND.

"ALL GOOD HAIKU'S HAVE FIVESYLLABLES, THEN SEVEN, BUT

WHO CARES, YOU WHORE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]YEAH, THAT FELT GOOD!

SO I'M OUT DATING.

YOU KNOW I WAS ON A DATERECENTLY WITH A WOMAN, AND SHE

SAID TO ME, SHE GOES, "I DON'TLIKE MOVIES.

I NEVER GO TO MOVIES."

AND I WAS LIKE SWEET, BECAUSEI LOVE MOVIES!

ESPECIALLY FOREIGN FILMS,BECAUSE I LOVE TO READ ALOUD.

AND SO I THOUGHT...

[LAUGHTER]I THOUGHT AS LONG AS I WAS ON

THIS DATE WITH THIS WOMAN,I COULD SLIP LINES FROM MOVIES

INTO THE CONVERSATION AND SHEWOULD THINK I WAS REALLY CLEVER

AND SHE'D HAVE NO IDEA WHEREI GOT IT FROM.

SO, I WAS LIKE, "OH, YOU MAKEME WANNA BE A BETTER MAN."

[LAUGHTER]AND SHE GOES, "OH, WHEN DID

YOU FIRST KNOW YOU LIKED ME?"AND I WAS LIKE "YOU HAD ME AT

HELLO."

[LAUGHTER]RIGHT?

IT WAS GOING GOOD.

HERE'S WHERE I MADE A MISTAKE.

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE QUOTED ALINE FROM THE MOVIE "BABE,"

'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE MEAL,I WAS LIKE "THAT'LL DO, PIG."

AND, UM--YEAH, THAT WAS NOT COOL.

I THINK SHE SAID A FEW THINGSFROM "SCARFACE AT THAT POINT.

IT WAS VERY UGLY.

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE

MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS ON

THE INTERNET, DOWNLOADING PORN

AND SOMEONE SENDS YOU AN

INSTANT MESSAGE.

AND IT COMES UP ON THE SCREEN

AND IT MAKES THAT INSTANT

MESSAGE NOISE.

IT'S LIKE...

BLA-LA-LA-LA-LING!

AND IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING LIKE,

"ARE YOU WORKING HARD OR

HARDLY WORKING?

'LOL'."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I CAN'T STAND "LOL".

FOR THE ONE OR TWO OF YOU WHO

MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT "LOL" IS,

IT MEANS "LAUGHING OUT LOUD"

IN COMPUTER LINGO.

AND IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

IF YOU WRITE SOMETHING TO

SOMEONE AND THEY WRITE BACK

"LOL", BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HEAR

EACH OTHER.

SO IT'S NICE TO GET THAT

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT YOU SAID

SOMETHING FUNNY.

BUT WHEN SOMEONE TYPES "LOL"

AT THE END OF THEIR OWN STUPID

ASS SENTENCE, LIKE THEY DIDN'T

EVEN SEE THE PUNCH LINE COMING,

THEY'RE LIKE, "...HARDLY

WORKING, LOL!!!

HA-HA-HA-HA!"

OH, THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY!

SO, I IMMEDIATELY FIRE BACK TO

THEM.

I WRITE BACK, "SYSPH."

AND THEY WRITE BACK AND GO,

"WHAT DOES SYSPH MEAN?"

AND I WRITE BACK, "SHUT YOUR

STICKING PIE HOLE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN THEY WRITE BACK,

"NLOL."

[LAUGHTER]

"NOT LAUGHING OUT LOUD."

THAT ONE HAD KIND OF A

BITTERSWEET ENDING.

[LAUGHTER]

BITTER BECAUSE IT WAS SAD AND

SWEET BECAUSE IT WAS OVER.

HA-HA-HA!

Doug Benson: DO YOU GUYS LIKE

IMPRESSIONS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BLEEP]

[LAUGHTER]

UM...

ALRIGHT, OKAY, I GOT ONE

IMPRESSION THAT I DO.

IT'S KIND OF UNUSUAL.

I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT.

THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF A

SMALL CHILD TRAPPED IN THE

BOTTOM OF A WELL WHO DOES NOT

UNDERSTAND THE SERIOUSNESS OF

THE PREDICAMENT.

OKAY, SMALL CHILD, BOTTOM OF

THE WELL, DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.

[CHILD'S VOICE] ♪ I'M GONNA

GET SOME CANDY ♪

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THEY SAY THAT

IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST

FORM OF FLATTERY.

I DON'T AGREE WITH THAT AT ALL.

LIKE WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR?

Audience Member: JOHN.

Doug Benson: JOHN, WHAT DO YOU

DO FOR A LIVING, JOHN?

John: MARKETING.

Doug Benson: MARKETING?

SO YOU HANG OUT AT THE GROCERY

STORE ALL DAY.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

YEAH, I'M PRETTY GOOD AT CROWD

WORK.

OKAY, JOHN IN MARKETING, NOW I

DON'T KNOW YOU VERY WELL,

BUT I'M A PRETTY GOOD MIMIC.

I THINK I CAN DO YOUR VOICE NOW.

I THINK I CAN DO A PRETTY GOOD

IMPRESSION.

TELL ME IF YOU THINK THIS IS

FLATTERING.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] HI,

MY NAME IS JOHN.

I WORK IN MARKETING.

YAHHH-YAHHH-YAHHH-YAHHH!

BLBBB!

NO, IT'S NOT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S EXTREMELY INSULTING.

IT'S NOT THE SINCEREST FORM

OF FLATTERY.

OH, I'M SO GOOD AT THAT.

ARE YOU A ROMANTIC GUY, JOHN?

John: SURE.

Doug Benson: DO YOU EVER FALL

ASLEEP RIGHT AFTER SEX?

John: ALL THE TIME.

Doug Benson: ALL THE TIME,

EXACTLY.

I COULD NEVER DO THAT.

IF I FELL ASLEEP RIGHT AFTER

SEX, THE PROSTITUTE MIGHT TAKE

SOME OF MY [BLEEP].

UH-HUH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, AWESOME AND--

YOU KNOW, I FEEL--

AS A COMIC I'M KIND OF YOU KNOW

IN THIS WEIRD POSITION, 'CAUSE

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A HOOK.

YOU KNOW?

I DON'T REALLY HAVE LIKE AN

ANGLE OR A SPECIFIC THING THAT

I DO.

SO, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK

OF SOMETHING THAT WOULD WORK

FOR ME, AND WHAT I'VE DECIDED

ON IS I THINK I MIGHT START

WEARING AN EYE PATCH ON STAGE

AND NOT EVER MENTION IT.

YOU KNOW, JUST DO MY WHOLE SHOW

AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

JUST HAVE AN EYE PATCH ON.

AND THEN AFTERWARDS, PEOPLE

WILL BE LIKE, "OH, I THOUGHT

THAT GUY WAS PRETTY FUNNY,

THE GUY IN THE EYE PATCH."

AND YOU KNOW, NO ONE ELSE IS

GONNA GO, "WHAT GUY IN THE EYE

PATCH?"

YOU KNOW, I'LL BE LIKE THE ONLY

ONE.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY

PIRATES IN STAND UP THAT I'M

AWARE OF.

YOU KNOW?

AND I'M ALSO TRYING VERY HARD

TO COME UP WITH COMEDY THAT'S

MORE RELATABLE, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST--

LIKE THAT GUY RIGHT THERE--

JUST STARE AT ME MY ENTIRE ACT.

LIKE "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?"

SO, I'D LIKE TO FINISH TONIGHT

WITH YOU KNOW ONE JOKE THAT'S

MAYBE SOMETHING THAT'S HAPPENED

TO EVERYBODY HERE, AND YOU CAN

ALL RELATE TO IT YOU KNOW FOR

A CHANGE.

SO LET ME TRY THAT.

HAS ANYBODY HERE EVER BEEN

DRIVING ALONG IN THEIR CAR,

SMOKING A CIGARETTE, AND YOU

FLICK IT OUT THE WINDOW AND YOU

DRIVE FOR A FEW MILES, AND YOU

START TO SMELL SMOKE AND YOU

TURN AROUND, AND YOU LOOK IN

THE BACK SEAT AND GRANDMA IS

PLAYING WITH HERSELF?

[LAUGHTER]

NOW HOW MANY PEOPLE COULD HAVE

POSSIBLY SEEN THAT PUNCH LINE

COMING.

THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

THAT WAS OUT OF NOWHERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, MAN!

WHAT A DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE!

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