CC Presents: Peter Berman

  • Season 10, Ep 20
  • 04/27/2006

GREAT!

GET OUTTA HERE. RIGHT ON!

YEAH! RIGHT ON.

RIGHT ON. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU!

EVERYBODY GOOD? YOU GOOD? YOU GOOD?

- Audience: YES!- SWEET. I'M GOOD, MAN.

I WAS JUST IN VEGAS A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO. YOU GUYS DIG VEGAS?

- YOU DIG VEGAS?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

VEGAS IS SO SICK AND WRON AND RIGHT AND PERFECT

ALL AT THE SAME TIME. ISN'T IT, MAN?

EVERY TRIP YOU'LL EVER HAVE IN VEGAS YOUR WHOLE LIFE,

YOU'RE PULLINGINTO VEGAS, YOU'RE LIKE,"WHEW! VEGAS, BABY!"

THREE DAYS LATER WHEN YOU'RE LEAVIN', YOU'RE LIKE, "[BLEEP] THIS TOWN, MAN!"

AND LIKE A MONTH LATER ONE OF YOUR FRIEND'S CALLS,

"HEY, MAN, WANNA GO TO VEGAS?"

"[BLEEP], YEAH!

- I LOVE LAS VEGAS, MAN." - [LAUGHTER]

DO YOU GUYS LIKE BASEBALL? YOU LIKE BASEBALL STILL?

- DO YOU?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T EVEN LIKE BASEBALL THAT MUCH ANYMORE, MAN.

IF EVER GO TO A GAME AGAIN, I'M ROOTIN' FOR THE UMPIRE.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE AN UMPIRE? SERIOUSLY, GIVE THAT SOME THOUGHT.

YOUR JOB IS CALLIN' PEOPLE OUT. THAT'S GOTTA BE GOOD.

THIS IS YOUR JOB. READY?

- DEE-YAAHHH! - [LAUGHTER]

COME ON, MAN. THAT'S GOTTA BE BETTER THAN WHATEVER THE HELL

YOU'RE DOIN' NOW, DON'T YOU THINK?

YOU GET INTO A FIGHT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND,

YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE.

YOU GET TO GO TO WORK. "DEE-YAAHHH!

"I HATE YOUR SISTER! I MEAN, STRIKE TWO, BUDDY.

- STRIKE TWO." - [LAUGHTER]

HERE'S WHAT I DON'T GET.WHY IS THE UMPIRE NICE?

CAN ANYBODY ANSWER ME THAT? WHY IS THE UMPIRE NICE?

IF I WAS THE UMPIRE, I'D BE A PRICK, WOULDN'T YOU?

YOU REMEMBER A FEW YEARS AGO, THIS GUY, ROBERTO ALOMAR.

HE HOCKED A LOOGIE ON AN UMP. YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT?

HE HOCKED ONE RIGHT ON THE UMP.

HE'S LIKE...[Hocks Loogie]. AND THE UMP GOES,

- [Soft Voice] "QUIT IT." - [LAUGHTER]

AND THEN HE TOLD ON HIM. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME, MAN.

IF I WAS THE UMP, I WOULD WAIT FOR THAT DUDE

TO COME UP TO THE PLATE AGAIN.

9th INNING, HIS TEAM'S DOWN BY A RUN.

BASES LOADED. FULL COUNT.

2 OUTS. HE LOOKS AT STRIKE 3, 14 [BLEEP] FEET OVER HIS HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

HE STARTS WALKIN' TO 1st. "UNH-UNH-UNH, STRIIIKE!"

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I'D GET THE CROWDTO HELP ME OUT. I WOULD.

I'D BE LIKE, "GIVE ME AN 'O!' GIMME A 'U'!"

YEAH, AND THEY'RE ALLOWED TO WHIP THEIR HELMET TO THE UMP

AND SWEAR AT HIM. HE JUST STANDS THERE.

IF THAT DUDE WAS SWEARING TO ME,I'D FOLLOW HIM ALL THE WAY BACK

TO THE DUGOUT. I'D BE LIKE, "DEE-YAAHHH!"

"OH REALLY? YEAH? DEE-YAAHHH!"

WAITIN' FOR HIMIN THE PARKING LOT AFTERTHE GAME, "DEE-YAAHHH!"

CALL THE HOTEL AT LIKE 2AM. "HELLO?" "DEE-YAAHHH!"

SEND HIM SOME FLOWERS. "THESE ARE LOVELY.

I WONDER WHO--" "DEE-YAAHHH!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLE AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I LEARNED A LOT FROM BEIN' MARRIED, MAN.

I HAVE LEARNED A LOT FROM BEIN' MARRIED AND BEIN' BROKE.

I LEARNED THIS.

I LEARNED WOMEN HAVE A LARGE CAPACITY TO LOVE, DON'T THEY?

WOMEN ARE AWESOME, AREN'T THEY? YEAH, THEY ARE.

YOU KNOW, LOOK AT ME, I'M GOIN' BALD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I'M GOIN' BALD. I'M BROKE, AND I TOLD YOU THAT I'M FAT.

I AM. I'M FAT UNDERNEATH HERE. I'M A BALD, BROKE, FAT GUY,

AND MY WIFE STILL LOVES ME. SWEEEET!

- [APPLAUSE] - YEAH, HUH? WOMEN ARE AMAZING.

IF A GUY WAS EVER GOING OUT WITH A BALD, BROKE, FAT CHICK,

- WE'D BE LIKE... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. SAD, BUT TRUE.MY WIFE IS THE ONE, TOO.

SHE IS. SHE'S THE ONE, MAN.SHE IS.

AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT 'CAUSE SHE'S HERE TONIGHT,

- 'CAUSE SHE'S NOT. - [LAUGHTER]

I'M SAYING IT 'CAUSE SHE HAS SPIES FOLLOWING ME AROUND

TO MAKE SURE I'M SAYING IT. THAT'S WHY I SAY IT, MAN.

SHE IS. SHE'S THE ONE. SHE IS.

YEAH, THE ONERIGHT BEFORE HER THOUGH,

I'D LIKE TO CALL HERDEFINITELY NOT THE ONE.

HOLY CRAP NOT THE ONE, YOU KNOW?

I THINK YOU GO OUT WITH THE ONE

AFTER YOU GO OUT WITHDEFINITELY NOT THE ONE.THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

OTHERWISE, YOU GOTTASTART TAKIN' THE BLAME,DON'T YOU? YOU KNOW?

THERE WAS A WHILE THERE,I'M LIKE,

"MAN, WHY DO I KEEP DATIN' THESE CRAZY BITCHES?"

THEN I'M LIKE, "WOO. I'M PICKIN' 'EM.

COMMON DENOMINATOR, ME!"THAT HURTS, MAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WENT OUT WITH THE ONETHAT WASN'T THE ONE

FOR FIVE YEARS. FIVE YEARS. GET THIS.

I WANTED TO BREAK UP AFTER THREE MONTHS.

- HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I DIDN'T. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE I'M A PUSSY, THAT'S WHY. YEAH. I DIDN'T WANNA HURT HER.

I JUST WANTED TO RUIN MY FREAKIN' LIFE, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE WHAT'S FIVE YEARS WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT REALLY?

HERE'S WHEN I KNEW IT WAS OVER. 3 MONTHS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

WE'RE SITTING AT A TRAFFIC LIGHT, RIGHT,

AND SHE LEANS OVER AND PUNCHES ME RIGHT IN THE FACE. YEAH, YEAH, FOR NO REASON!

YEAH, AND I CLEARLY REMEMBER THINKING,

"I'M GONNA GIVE HER 4 MORE YEARS AND 9 MONTHS

AND THAT IS IT!" I WAS A PUSS, MAN. I WAS. I WAS WEAK.

YEAH, I COULDN'T BREAK UP WITH HER. I WAS PUSS.

I USED TO BE FLYIN' WITH HER ON A PLANE SOMEWHERE,

I'D BE LIKE, "OH, I HOPE WE CRASH AND SHE DIES AND I LIVE.

- "I NEED SOME HELP, MAN. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE YOU WOMEN CAN BREAK UP WITH MEN

A LOT EASIER THAN MENCAN BREAK UP WITH WOMEN.

CAN'T YOU? YOU CAN. YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE COMMUNICATORS.

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL QUALITY. YEAH, YOU'RE COMMUNICATORS.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS TALK TO A WOMAN FRIEND OF YOURS.

"MY BOYFRIEND'S A DICK." "DUMP HIM."

[Sound Of Gun Shot] GOODBYE, BOYFRIEND.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH.

YEAH. MEN DON'T DO THAT.'CAUSE WE DON'T TALK, YOU KNOW?

NOT ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT,YOU KNOW.

THAT CONVERSATION BETWEEN GUYS WOULD GO A LOT LIKE THIS.

"YEAH, MAN, MY GIRLFRIEND'S A BITCH!"

- [SILENCE] - [LAUGHTER]

"HUH...

WELL, GOOD LUCK, MAN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WOMEN THINK THAT MENKNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE

BECAUSE WHEN WE MEET YOUAND WE START DATING YOU,

WE TALK A LOT. YEAH, WANNA KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE WE'RE TRYIN' TO SLEEP WITH YOU, THAT'S WHY.

BUT WE USE THAT ALL UP RIGHT AWAY. WE DO. WE DO.

THAT'S WHY AFTER LIKE A MONTH, WE'RE LIKE,

"HEY, DO YOU LIKE ME, 'CAUSE I'M OUTTA MATERIAL.

HAVE I SAID OR DONE ANYTHING IN THE LAST MONTH THAT YOU LIKED?

LET ME KNOW. I'LL SAY IT AGAIN!"

- YOU KNOW? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, MEN DON'T TALK VERY MUCH, DO WE? WE DON'T. WE DON'T.

THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE, AND THEMEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT,

THAT'S WHY WHEN WE FINALLY BECOME A MAN, RIGHT,

WHEN WE FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MAN IN THIS WORLD

AND WE FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A HUSBAND IN THIS WORLD

AND IT'S TIME FOR US TO TAKE THAT WISDOM THAT WE'VE GAINED

AND TO IMPART IT ONTO THE YOUNGER MEN OF THE WORLD

SO THAT WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE,

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT WE THINK, "[BLEEP] THAT. NO ONE TOLD ME.

I'M NOT TELLING ANYONE EITHER THEN."

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH. YEAH.

THAT'S WHY I THINK YOU NEED TO HAVE A MENTOR IN THIS LIFE.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK.YOU HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVEA MENTOR, YOU KNOW?

LIFE IS A TRIP.YOU HAVE TO HAVEA MENTOR, RIGHT,

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU KNOW MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE 18, YOU'RE LIKE, "I'M 18, MAN.

I DON'T ANYONE'S HELP. I'M A GROWNUP. I'M 18." RIGHT?

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE 25. THEN WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN'?

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, [BLEEP]!

I DIDN'T KNOW NOTHIN' WHEN I WAS 18, MAN."

YOU'RE LIKE, "NOW IGOT IT FIGURED IT OUT,I'M GOOD TO GO. I'M 25."

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE 30. YOU'RE LIKE, "DAMMIT!

I DIDN'T KNOW NOTHIN' WHEN I WAS 25 EITHER!"

I BET YOU THAT'S GONNA GO ONYOUR WHOLE LIFE,

DON'T YOU THINK? I SWEAR TO GOD.

YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE 75 YEARS OLD SOME DAY GOIN',

"MAN, WHEN I WAS 70, I WAS A PINHEAD, MAN!

LIKE NOW I GOT IT FIGURED OUT." BY THE TIME YOU FIGURED IT OUT,

YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE 85 YEARS OLD

AND NO ONE'S GONNA LISTEN TO YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE OLD, RIGHT?

YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE, "I KNOW THE MEANING OF LIFE."

"SURE YOU DO. AND YOU'RE PEEIN'ON YOURSELF, OLD MAN."

- "GET OFF MY LAWN!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I BEEN TRYING TO BE BETTER.I HAVE.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE BETTER. I GO TO CHURCH.

YOU GUYS GO TO CHURCH? DO YOU? 10 OF YOU.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENCOURAGING.

I DO, I GO TO CHURCH WHICH IS WEIRD, 'CAUSE I'M JEWISH.

I GO TO A NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHURCH.

I USED TO GO TO A CATHOLICCHURCH WITH MY CATHOLIC FRIENDS.

THAT'S TOTALLY WEIRD, MAN. EVERYBODY GETS UP FOR THE SNACK

AND YOU'RE THEONLY ONE SITTING THERE.

- THEY'RE LIKE, "JEW!" - [LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I GO TO A NON-DENOMINATIONAL CHURCH.

I HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGHAPPEN TO ME AT CHURCH RECENTLY.

I GO TO MY CHURCH, AND THERE'S LIKE 150 PEOPLE IN THE CHOIR AT MY CHURCH.

AND THEY'RE ALL DOIN' THEIR LITTLE SLOW GROOVE.

AND THIS WOMANFROM THE CHOIR COMES UPTO GIVE HER TESTIMONIAL

AND THE WOMAN'S LIKE, "A YEARAGO I WAS IN A COMA FOR 32 DAYS,

"BUT MY FAITH IN GOD PULLED ME THROUGH THAT COMA,

"AND MY FAITH IN THIS CHURCH, AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

IN HERE PULLED ME THROUGH THAT COMA." RIGHT?

I WAS LISTENING TO HERI HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFULTHOUGHT I'VE EVER HAD

IN MY WHOLE LIFE. I JUST THOUGHT,

MAN, SHE IS SO LUCKY TOHAVE BEEN IN A COMA FOR 32 DAYS.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ALL YOU GUYS, BUT I COULD USE A MONTH OFF.

WOULDN'T THAT BE SWEET? YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET UP,

GO TO THE BATHROOM, ANSWER THE PHONE, PAY A BILL.

YOU WAKE A MONTH LATER, YOUR SKIN'S NICE AND SOFT.

YOU'RE WELL RESTED. YOU LOST SOME WEIGHT.

I THINK THE COMA'S UNDERRATED, MAN.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- YEAH.

YOU GUYS WANNA KNOW THE BEST PART ABOUT THE COMA, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

IT'S THE LOW EXPECTATIONS EVERYONE HAS OF YOU. YEAH.

HERE'S ALL YOU NEED TO DO TO IMPRESS PEOPLE

WHEN YOU'RE IN A COMA. READY? READY?

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I'M THINKIN' ABOUT FAKIN' ONE FOR A MONTH, MAN.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - THANK YOU. THANKS.

EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, ISN'T IT, MAN?

ARGUING'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED,

THEN WHEN YOU'RE DATING.I DON'T CARE HOW LONG

YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER,BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED,

ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, THE WHOLE ARGUING DYNAMIC

COMPLETELY CHANGES, DOESN'T IT?'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE JUST DATING,

YOU KNOW ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT THE ARGUING SITUATION, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW YOU CAN LEAVEWITH YOUR STUFF, RIGHT?

BUT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED THERE'S THIS LITTLE THING

CALLED "COMMITMENT." THAT MEANS YOU ARE WORKIN' THIS OUT...

IN A MINUTE OR A MONTH OR WHEN YOU SURRENDER.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU'RE WORKIN' IT OUT,YOU KNOW?

WHEN I USED TO BE DATIN', I'D HAVE THAT LITTLE VOICE.

YOU EVER HAVE THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD HELPING YOU OUT WHEN YOU'RE ARGUIN'?

I'D BE ARGUIN'WITH WOMEN I WAS DATIN'.

I'M GETTIN' IN A GOOD ARGUMENT AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

I'D HEAR A, I'D HEAR UM, UM-- [Little Voice] "[BLEEP] HER!

"YOU DON'T NEED THIS [BLEEP], MAN! YOU SHOULD LEAVE!"

[Regular Voice] "SHOULD I?" [Little Voice] "I WOULD!"

YEAH. THEN I GET MARRIED AND GET THIS

THE VOICE HAS TURNED ON ME! AND IT'S MY VOICE.

I'M GETTING INTO A GOOD ARGUMENT WITH MY WIFE ONE DAY,

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEAR, "A-A-AHEM! SAY YOU'RE SORRY."

- [LAUGHTER] - "SHUT UP!

NO, NO, NOT YOU, HONEY. THE VOICE."

HERE'S THE PROBLEM AS I SEE IT, BEING A GUY,

IS MOS OF THE TIMEWE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHATTHE HELL WE DID WRONG,

- DO WE? - [SILENCE]

THANKS FOR THE BACKUP, FELLAS.I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

THE RALLY'S AT NOON TOMORROW, GUYS.

WOW, YOU CAN TELL IT'S DATE NIGHT, MAN.

YOU GUYS DID NOTBACK ME UP ONE BIT, MAN.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET THECODE LOOK FROM YOU GUYS.

- LIKE... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. YEAH. I APPRECIATED THE BACKUP, MAN. YEAH.

THE PROBLEM AS I SEE ITIS MOST OF THE TIME

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE DID WRONG, RIGHT?

- Men: YEAH! - RIGHT. EXACTLY.

LOOK IT, WOMEN ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE

THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE TRUE. TRUST ME, IT'S TRUE.

NO GUY I KNOW WANTS TO FIGHTWITH HIS GIRLFRIEND OR HIS WIFE.

WHEN WE'RE ARGUING WITH YOU WOMEN AND YOU WOMEN ARE LIKE,

"HEY, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'TKNOW WHAT THE [BLEEP] GOING ON!"

IT IS BECAUSE WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS GOING ON.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH. YEAH.

AND HERE'S WHY WE DON'T KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU WOMEN ARE THINKERS.

YEAH. YOU WOMEN ARE THINKERS. THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL QUALITY.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOIN' ALL DAY, AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE THINKIN'. YOU LITTLE SHOW-OFFS,

JUST THINKIN', AREN'T YOU? JUST THINKIN', THINKIN',

THINKIN', THINK, THINK, THINK THINKTHINKTHINKTHINK...

AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE THINKIN', THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?

THEN YOU DOUBLE-CHECK YOUR WORK WITH YOUR MOTHER

OR YOUR SISTER OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

"HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKIN'?"

"OOOH, YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?"

THINK, THINK, THINKTHINKTHINKTHINKTHINK.

- IT'S LIKE A THINK TANK. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOIN'

WHILE YOU'RE DOIN' ALL THAT THINKIN'?

WE ARE NOT THINKING. AND WE LIKE IT LIKE THAT, DON'T WE?

- Men: YEAH! - HELL, YEAH. HELL, YEAH.

MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT BEIN' A GUY

IS HAVIN' THIS THOUGHT IN MY HEAD MOST OF THE DAY.

- "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, THE FIRST TIME I NOTICED IT,

I WAS IN A FIVE-HOUR CAR RIDE. I THOUGHT IT WAS THE NOISE

MY TIRES WERE MAKIN' ON THE FREEWAY.

AND THEN I'M LIKE, "WHAT THEHELL HAVE I BEEN THINKIN' ABOUT

"FOR THE LAST THREE HOURS? I DON'T KNOW.

- MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I KNOW IT'S NOT THAT EASY FOR YOU WOMEN EITHER, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN IT'S NOT EASY FOR GUYS, YOU KNOW?

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY. IT'S NOT. GUYS, CHECK THIS OUT.

THIS IS PRETTY MUCH JUST FOR THE GUYS.

I'M 39 YEARS OLD, RIGHT? UP TO THE TIME I'M LIKE 38-ISH,

I USED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM LIKE THIS, READY,

I'D GO TO THE BATHROOM. I PEE. TAP-TAP. I AM DONE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN LIKE,THREE, FOUR MONTHS AGO,I PEE, TAP-TAP, TAP--

TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M TAPPIN' OR PEEIN'.

I'M LIKE TAP-TAP,TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP.

THEN YOU THINK YOU'RE DONE,YOU'RE LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

ZIP UP. WALK LIKE THREE STEPS.

- BLOP BLOP. SON OF A BITCH! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. YEAH. THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

THEN YOU GOTTA TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE THIS FOR 15 MINUTES.

"HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN', MAN?"

"ME? I SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN THESE KHAKIS WITHOUT UNDERWEAR.

- THAT WAS A BAD IDEA." - [LAUGHTER]

WOMEN HAVE IT TOUGH TOO, THOUGH.

'CAUSE I'M 39 I GOT A LOT OF WOMEN FRIENDS MY AGE.

AND WOMEN ARE ALWAYS COMPLAININGTHAT ARE MY AGE AND ARE SINGLE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HOW COME I CAN'T MEET A GOOD GUY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE GOOD GUYS?"

YOU WANNA MEET A GOOD GUY? HERE'S ALL YOU NEED TO DO.

READY? PAY ATTENTION. HERE'S HOW YOU MEET A GOOD GUY.

LOW YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

- TADA! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

EVERYTHING CHANGES WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, BOY, EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE FIRST IN LOVE,

YOU CANNOT SLEEP CLOSE ENOUGH TO THAT PERSON

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH, CAN YOU? CAN YOU?

AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP, YOU'RE LIKE, "COME HERE, HONEY, HUH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LET'S STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER."

- YEAH. YEAH.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, A SHORT FIVE YEARS LATER, MY WIFE IS LAYIN' IN MY ARM

FOR 10 SECONDS TOO LONG,I'M LIKE, "AHHHHHHH!

- GET OFF MY ARM, MAN!" - [LAUGHTER]

AND MY WIFE IS A TRIP. MY WIFE TALKS IN HER SLEEP.

NOT ONLY DOES MY WIFE TALK IN HER SLEEP,

SHE MOANS IN HER SLEEP. YEAH.

ANYBODY HERE LIVE WITH A SLEEP-MOANER?

YEAH, SHE MOANS IN HER SLEEP LIKE THIS. READY? READY?

- "AAAAAH! AAAAA! - [LAUGHTER]

AHH! AHH! AHHHH!"

- WOW. THAT IS SEXY. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YEAH. AND THEN THE NEXT DAY SHE'S LIKE, "GOOD MORNING!"

"NO." IT'S LIKE SLEEPING WITH A TORTURE CHAMBER, MAN. YEAH.

AND SHE TALKS IN HER SLEEP. MY WIFE TALKS IN HER SLEEP.

NOW THIS IS NOT MY RULE.IT'S THE RULE.

IF SOMEONE TALKS TO YOUIN THEIR SLEEP,

YOU HAVE TO TALK BACK. RIGHT?

HOWEVER, THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN GETTING INFORMATION

AND GETTING CAUGHT. RIGHT?

ABOUT A MONTH AGO, I'M SOUND ASLEEP,

AND MY WIFE IS TALKIN' IN HER SLEEP, RIGHT,

I'M SOUND ASLEEP.AND MY WIFE WAKES ME UP,

I'M SOUND ASLEEP. ALL OF A SUDDEN I HEAR A--

"IIIIII WANNA GOOOOOOOOOO."

[LAUGHTER]

[Deep Voice] "WHHHHHERRRREE?"

YOU GOTTA DO IT IN THAT TONE OF VOICE.

MY WIFE IS LIKE, "TO THE PLAAAAACE."

[Chuckles] "WHHHHAT PLAAACE?"

AND MY WIFE GOES, "THE PLACE I LIKE TO GO WITH HIM."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHOOOOO?" THEN MY WIFE GOES,

- "[BLEEP] YOU! I'M AWAKE!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH. YEAH.

THEN YOU GOTTA PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE SLEEPIN', DON'T YOU?

- "OOOOH, WHAT PLAAACE?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOD BLESS YOU GUYS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By mCCaptioning Services www.mCCaption.com

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