Tuesday, October 6, 2015

  • 10/06/2015

Alexi Wasser, Tom Lenk and Kurt Braunohler impersonate Australian doctors, come up with #BadInventions and guide a wildlife tour through scenic Chernobyl.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

LOOK AT ALL THOSE EXPENSIVEGRAPHICS.

CONGRESS IS SHARPENING THEIRSHIVS AND BREAKING OUT THE

BASEBALL BATS WITH NAILS IN THEMAS THEY SET TO DEBATE THE NEW

TRANS-PACIFIC PARTNERSHIP DEALREACHED YESTERDAY.

TO EXPLAIN THIS COMPLEX STORYLET'S USE CUTE ANIMAL GIFS IN A

SEGMENT WE CALL "SQUEE-NN">> THIS IS SQUEE-NN.

>> Chris: HEARTBREAKING NEWS,ANIMAL GIFS, LET'S GET INTO IT.

THE TPP IS A SWEEPING 12-COUNTRYTRADE AGREEMENT THAT

PRESIDENT OBAMA THINKS WILL HAVETHE U.S. AND THE REST OF THE

WORLD EMBRACING LIKE PARROTS ANDTENNIS BALLS.

AWWW. THAT'S THE CORRECTRESPONSE.

INTERNET PRIVACY ADVOCATES ARECRITICIZING THE DEAL BECAUSE

THEY FEEL OFFICIALS ARE KEEPINGDETAILS HIDDEN AWAY

LIKE A PUPPY IN A PILE OFSTUFFED ANIMALS.

WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS HE?

THERE HE IS.AMONG THE TPP'S BIGGEST

SUPPORTERS ARE AUSTRALIANDOCTORS WHO THINK IT WILL MAKE

IT EASIER FOR THEM TO EXPORTTHEIR TREATMENTS.

KOALAS ARE ALSO TECHNICALLY FROMAUSTRALIA.

COMEDIANS, AS AN AUSTRALIANDOCTOR, WHAT IS ONE OF YOUR

UNIQUE TREATMENTS YOU WOULD WANTPEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT?

>> GOOD DAY, MATE.

YOU DON'T NEED AA.

WE CAN JUST PUNCH THE DRUNK OUTOF YOU.

THAT'S MY AUSTRALIAN ACCENT,SORRY.

>> OH MY GOD HE'S SO [BLEEP]EDUP RIGHT NOW. TOM LENK.

>> ALRIGHT MATE, I'M GOING TOSUCK OUT THE POISON.

JUST BE STILL. NOTHING BIT YOU?

OKAY I'M GOINGTO SUCK IT ANYWAY.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS,POINTS.

>> OH, WHAT IS THAT?

>> A REAL LITTLE DICK.

>> IS IT REALLY?

>> LIKE A TIN WHISTLE.

(WHISTLE NOISES)

>> THAT'S NOT HOW I DO IT.

>> I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BELIKE TO GET A BEEJ FROM A

MEERKAT.

>> A LOT OF TEETH.

>> ALWAYS LOOKIN' AROUND. "IS THERE ANOTHER DICK TO SUCK?"

"IS THERE ANOTHER DICK TO SUCK?"

IT'S NOW TIME FORTHE HASHTAG WARS.

ON THIS DAY IN 1889 THOMASEDISON SCREENED HIS FIRST MOTION

PICTURE WHICH ENENTUALLY EVOLVEDINTO ME TALKING TO YOU IN

YOUR LIVING ROOM RIGHT NOW WHILEYOU SMOKE WEED ON A FUTON.

THAT'S RIGHT, CRAIG, I CAN SEEYOU.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> YOU JUST REALLY RUINED

CRAIG'S NIGHT.

>> Chris: YOU KNOW THERE IS ASUPER HIGH CRAIG WHO'S LIKE

"THE [BLEEP], MAN?

I KNEW IT."

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NOW EDISON IS

CONSIDERED A GENIUS FORINVENTING THE LIGHT BULB.

BUT DID YOU KNOW MOST OF HISINVENTIONS WERE JUST DUMB

BULL[BLEEP] LIKE THE ELECTRICPEN AND THE CEMENT PIANO.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THEHORRIFYING TALKING DOLL.

>> YIKES.

Chris: SO IN HONOR OF THOMASEDISON, THE NICOLAS CAGE OF

INVENTORS, TONIGHT'S--

WELL, HE IS 'COS LIKE ONE OUT OFTWENTY THINGS WAS AWESOME.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#BADINVENTIONS. EXAMPLES MIGHTBE: THE EXPLODING ALARM CLOCK,

OR THE INFANT SHAKER, OR ACOMBINATION ICE MAKER/DEATH RAY.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

KURT BRAUNHOLER.>> PUBIC HAIR CRIMPER.

Chris: POINTS. ALEXI WASSER.

>> LISTERINE EYE DROPS.>> YES POINTS. TOM.

>> A TELEVISION THAT ONLY SHOWS"SINGLED OUT" RERUNS.

>> OH MY GOD. FINALLY. IT'SABOUT TIME. KURT BRAUNHOLER.

>> A TUB TOASTER.

>> LONGER PITBULL SONGS.

Chris: POINTS.

>> CONDOMS WITH URETHRA HOLES.>> POINTS.

>> ANTI-ANTIBIOTICS.

>> FINDER, THE TINDER FORFISTING.

>> PEANUT BUTTER FOR YOURTESTICLES.

>> Chris: WOULDN'T THAT BEPEANUTS BUTTER?

>> IT KEEPS GETTING BETTER ANDBETTER.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY TRLSD.

AMERICA LEADS THE WORLD IN LOTSOF IMPORTANT STATISTICS,

FROM EATING TO OVEREATING, BUTWHEN IT COMES TO BIZZARE MUSIC

VIDEOS, THE REST OF THE WORLDHAS US COMPLETELY BEAT.

SO I'M GONNA PLAY A CLIP OF AFOREIGN MUSIC VIDEO, AND

FOR 250 POINTS I WILL ASK YOUDIFFERENT QUESTIONS ABOUT EACH

ONE.

FIRST, SOME NIGHTMARE FUEL FROMNEW ZEALAND.

I'M NOT SURE.

[LAUGHING]♪

>> OH, THERE IT IS.

THERE IT IS.

>> Chris: WHAT IS THE NAME OFTHIS SINGER?

ALEXI?

>> KIM DAVIS.

[LAUGHING]>> SORRY.

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> ANYWAYS.>> KURT.

>> TEENAGE MUTANT NINJASQUIRTLE.

HAD TO GET THE SUIRTLE INTHERE SOMEHOW.

>> Chris: NEXT UP, AN INTERLUDEOF HEAVEN FROM THIS BOLLYWOOD

CLASSIC.

[LAUGHING]♪

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: I KNOW WE'RE ALL

REALLY TURNED ON RIGHT NOW.

>> I AM.

Chris: IF YOU CAN JUST SQUASHYOUR LIONS DOWN FOR A SECOND,

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS ALBUM?TOM.

>> "ZOOBILEE ZOO: THE MUSICAL,"BUT A GRITTY REINVENTION OF IT.

YOU KNOW, BEN VEREEN? NO ONE?"ZOOBILEE ZOO"'S NOT A REAL HIP

THING THESE DAYS?

>> Chris: YOU KNOW THE COMEDYCENTRAL AUDIENCE DOES LOVE BEN

VEREEN. I'M NOT--

KURT.

>> FURRY PARTY [BEEP] FEST.

Chris: THERE YOU GO.

NEXT UP, THESE RUSSIAN REBELS♪

NEXT UP, THESE RUSSIAN REBELS♪

>> YOU GOT TO LOVE RUSSIA.

Chris: THAT GUY WAS LITERALLY[BEEP]ING BAREBACK.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: WHO DO YOU THINK THEYTHANK IN THEIR LINER NOTES?

>> WHIRLPOOL FOR PROVIDINGTHE FRIDGE IN THE BACKGROUND

OF THE BEAR BANG SCENE.

>> Chris: I LOVE GOING TO THATWEBSITE BEAR-BANG BUS.

THEY PICK UP STRAY BEARS AND[BLEEP] 'EM IN A VAN.

>> THE BEARS DON'T EVEN GET IT.THEY DON'T EVEN GET IT.

>> Chris: TOM.

>> HILLARY DUFF.

Chris: YES, POINTS.

ALEXI WASSER.

>> CHRIS, THEY THANK ME IN THELINER NOTES. THAT'S MY

EX-BOYFRIEND. WHO DOYOU THINK IS IN THE BEAR SUIT?

>> Chris: POINTS.>> ME.

GOOD.

FINALLY A HOT SERVING OF BEEFCAKES FROM JAPAN.

♪[LAUGHING]

♪[LAUGHING]

>> OH MY.

>> HOLLER.

Chris: HEY GUYS, BIG FAN, BIGFAN.

NO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: NO.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THEIR FANCLUB, TOM?

>> TOM LENK.

Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: YES.

YOU'RE JUST DOING MUPPET ARMS.

>> HOW DO YOU DO IT? OH MY GOD.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

[LAUGHING]>> NO, NO, NO.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOUREPORTS THAT WILDLIFE IN

CHERNOBYL IS THRIVING.

I ASKED YOU TO GIVE ME A TOUR OFTHIS POTENTIALLY MUTATED ANIMAL

SANCTUARY. LET'S SEE WHAT YOUCAME UP WITH.

ALEXI, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> TO YOUR LEFT YOU SEEMUTATED CHERNOBYL PROSTITUTES.

DO NOT ASK WHAT MUTATION IS: YOUWILL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.

THAT WAS MY RUSSIAN ACCENT.

>> Chris: TOM LENK.

>> HELLO, IF YOU LOOK INTOMELTED SEPTIC TANK, YOU WILL SEE

INVISIBLE WOLFCAT. NORMALLY YOUCANNOT SEE INVISIBLE WOLFCAT

BUT YOU NOW HAVE RADIATIONBLINDNESS SO LOOK FAST!

INVISIBLE WOLFCAT!

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: KURT BRAUNOHLER.

>> SLOTH, NOW CALLEDRAZOR-HANDED MONKEY[BEEP]ER.

HE NAMED SELF.

Chris: IT'S TIME TO PLAYENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE.

AFTER RETURNING FROMAN RECENT TRIP TO ENGLAND,

66-YEAR-OLD FLORIDIANSCOTT WATERS POSTED A LIST OF

99 ADORABLE OBSERVATIONS ABOUTHIS VISIT. AND IT MADE ALL OF

BRITAIN PUT DOWN THEIR GRAVYSANDWICHES, AND COLLECTIVELY

SIGH, "HE GETS US. HE REALLY[BEEP]IN' GETS US."

WITH CUTE, EXTREMELY OBVIOUSLITTLE NOTES LIKE:

"ROADS ARE THE SIZE OF OURSIDEWALKS AND

CAKE IS ONE OF THE MAJORFOOD GROUPS.

HIS POST HAS BEEN SHARED OVER50,000 TIMES OF BRITISH FOOTBALL

MOMS IN YOGA TROUSERS.AND I'M CURIOUS WHAT HIS ENGLISH

COUNTERPART MIGHT OBSERVE ABOUTAMERICA.

COMEDIANS, AS A 66-YEAR-OLDBRITISH FACEBOOK USER, PLEASE

GIVE ME A LIST OF OBSERVATIONSYOU'D MAKE ABOUT YOUR TRIP TO

THE STATES. IN 60 SECONDS, ANDBEGIN.

>> THEY HAVE A FASCINATING DISHCALLED A SALAD.

IT'S MOSTLY LEAVES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TOM.

>> THEIR LORD AND SAVIOR ISKNOWN AS BEYONCE.

>> Chris: THANK YOU, MRS.DOUBTFIRE. KURT.

>> THE BOBBIES SAY "CHIM-CHUREE"BY SHOOTING YOU.

>> THEY HAVE STRANGE THINGSCALLED DENTISTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

Chris: KURT.

>> THEY CALL A DUST BIN ATRASHCAN.

AND A TRASHCAN, KATY PERRY.

>> I LOVE KATY PERRY.

Chris: TOM LENK.

>> THEIR KING SERVES CHICKENFRIES.

HUH-UH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KURT.

>> THEIR QUEEN IS NAMED LATIFAH.