South Beach Comedy Festival 2010

  • Season 1, Ep 4

Toilet babies blow Natasha Leggero's mind, Jay Larson defends his superpower of choice, and Pete Holmes imagines being stranded on a desert island.

[laughter]

-OK.

We're having fun.

Nice beard, by theway-- killer beard.

I can't grow a beard.

I don't even want a beard,I just want the choice.

'Cause what if I'min a plane crash,

I have to live on a desertedisland for like, 6 years?

That's an awesomemoment for you.

When the rescuechopper comes, you

come out of the bushes,loin cloth, huge beard,

just moving with you.

[laughter]

There's the chopper.

Crab meat and coconutmilk in it, Chinese food.

You found it-- you foragedfor it, you found it.

Animals aren'tafraid of you, falcon

lands on you,"What's up, Falcor?"

You named it Falcor.

[laughter]

Not me.

I'll be there 6 years, rescuechopper comes, I come out,

baby face, loin cloth.

I look like a guy who'sbeen there 15 minutes,

couldn't wait towear a loin cloth.

Just like, (SHOUTING) freedom.

Rescue me.

[laughter]

I embrace that, I don't care.

I'm not a manly guy, either.

See, you're like, a manly guy.

Like, if someone attackedme-- you look like He Man.

-I'd help you out.

-That's what I mean,you'd help me out.

And you wouldn'teven have to fight.

You'd just be like,"What's happening?"

and everyone would be like,"Throw your guns in the lake."

[laughter]

There's no lake,should have said ocean.

But anyway--

[laughter]

Anybody else stupid?

Just me.

I m stupid.

I'll give you an example--whenever I'm in a bookstore

or a library, which isn'toften, and I see the phrase,

"nonfiction," I have to figureit out in my head every time.

[laughter]

I want to be clear about this.

I'm 30 years old, I wentto college, I finished.

I see "nonfiction," Ifreeze, I'm like, "Nonfix--"

OK, fiction not true--

[laughter]

Non-fiction, not-- non-- nottrue-- not-- double not true.

It's true.

Not-- not not true--two truths and a not

are in an officehaving a quiche.

What is this book?

True or not true?

Screw it, I'm reading"Hustler," that's both.

[cheering]

That's both at the sametime, true and false.

Glad the kids left, said"Hustler," having fun.

[laughter]

COMEDIAN: Uh, I usedto open for Julio,

and uh, someone waslike, why do you

have a comedian open for you?

True-- quoteunquote, he goes, "I

like to make them laugh beforethey want to make love."

And then like a dove flew outof his arm, ya know, it's like--

Um, and I didn't speak Spanishand I was really lonely.

And I was doing like 5,000seat theaters every night,

but it was all like, ya know,50 to 80-year-old Mexican women

that didn't speak English.

That was the showsevery night, all

across the southwest America.

This is dead true.

This is six years ago.

At the time I was on theshow, Punk'D. I was, uh,

punking people--that was my, my gig.

And uh, the band thought itwould be great to punk me.

And so what they did--I was really lonely

and there-- I hadno friends, and I

didn't speak Spanishlike the band.

And they're like, my friend,we have a nickname for you.

I was like, what is it?

And they're like, maricon.

And I was like,what does that mean?

That sounds awesome.

By the way, if youdon't speak Spanish,

that means gay guy, right?

Maricon?

Patito?

All of em, it's all gay.

And the joke was, heh, hetold me that it meant friend.

I was like, maricon,what does it mean?

He goes, it meansyou're our friend.

Our maricon, maricon for life.

And I was like, that is so cool.

I'm the maricon!

And then I would goup to people, people

after the show wouldbe like, great show.

I'm like, yeah thanks,they call me the maricon.

And I neverunderstood, I thought

Mexicans were just dicks.

Like literally, cuz after everyshow, if someone-- if I said

that to someone they'd belike, all right, and then

just walk away from me.

And I'm like, why iseveryone so mean to me?

I'm your maricon.

And then finally--finally, Julio

Iglesias himself, waslike, are you having fun?

And I was like, yes.

Because that's how I talkwhen I talk to Spanish people,

I'm like, I'mhaving so much fun.

I make love.

And like a dove fliesout of my mouth.

I was like, your bandcalls me maricon.

And he goes, my friend, thatmeans you make love to men.

And just one tearrolled down my cheek.

I was like, no!

It's pretty intense.

That was my Julio Iglesiasstory and it's all true.

So all you Spanish people,I will have my revenge.

I looked up every one of them.

Mariposa means butterfly,also means gay.

I did some research.

Patito, patito sucio,which is even more intense.

I know what you guys are upto, you can't trick me again.

-So, uh, do youguys have babies?

Gross, right?

Why would you have a baby?

I mean, I could seegetting pregnant,

but following through with it?

[audience laughter]

'Cause it hurts kids.

My friends tell mebabies can't do anything.

Having a baby is like aDUI from the universe.

[audience laughter]

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

-Don't agree with me.

The only time Iwanna see babies is

on my new favoritetelevision show-- oh my god,

it's so good-- "I Didn'tKnow I Was Pregnant."

Have you seen this?

OK, by round of applause,who's seen this show?

Does anyone knowwhat channel it's on?

The Learning Channel.

"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

And this is a reality show,where these women are walking

around town-- ifyou haven't seen it,

here's what happens-- thesewomen are walking around town.

I dunno, maybethey're going camping.

All of a sudden,a baby comes out.

Usually in a toilet.

And they have no ideathey're pregnant.

And so TLC, TheLearning Channel,

is trying to make this showeducational so they're like,

"Pregnancy tip number two--this can happen to you."

Uh, no it can't.

No one smart'shaving a toilet baby.

It's not like, (HAUGHTYACCENT) "Darling, you'll never

guess what's comeout of my vagina."

It's always like,"A baby come out?

What do I do?"

You never hear stories onthat show, (HAUGHTY ACCENT)

"Well, I was making myway down to the stable,

because Velvet Crusaderhad been nickering about.

And I look down,and you'll never

guess what came forth my loins.

Baby Arthur!"

Every story on thatshow, (STUPID ACCENT)

"I just finished doin' theBatman ride at Six Flags.

Going to get me anothercotton candy stick.

I look down, thereis a baby in my shoe.

I thought it was a prize."

"Uh, yeah, I justfailed my third GED,

and I was walkingpast the stoplight.

I look down, there isa baby on the street!

I walk two blocks, thatdamn thing's following me!"

How do you not knowyou're pregnant?

Animals know they're pregnant.

Like what does she think, ninemonths ago she ate a bad McRib?

[moaning]

"Don't order thatnumber three combo.

That'll make your period stop."

Ugh, that hurt.

That woman's so dumb that whenshe went into the bathroom

and launched thechild into the toilet,

the first thing she probablythought was, (STUPID ACCENT)

"I don't remembereatin' no baby."

[audience laughter]

And the kid, who probablyalready has a higher reading

level than hers, like, "DidI seriously just pop out

of this idiot andinto a toilet?"

-It was my birthday recently.

Thank you.

Yeah.

14-- 14 good ones.

It's weird, though.

I'm getting to the age now wheremy parents have stopped caring

about birthdays, like, entirely.

Like, they still sendme presents in the mail,

but they're not evenpresents, really.

I don't classify--they're more like clues

to a puzzle theywant me to solve.

And the answer isalways what they

think I shouldchange about my life.

I know that soundscomplicated, right?

But last year formy birthday-- this

is true-- I got a box inthe mail from my parents,

and all that was inside wasa PalmPilot, daily organizer,

and a piggy bank-- like,an actual piggy bank.

Which is their way of tellingme like, get your life together.

You know?

It's an easy puzzle.

But this year for mybirthday, all that was inside

was a hand mirror and a gun.

I'm not good at puzzles.

I don't know what that means.

I bought myself a NintendoWii for my birthday

because I am a grown man.

And anyone elsehave a Nintendo Wii?

[cheering]

The five-year-old.

That's impressive.

The five-year-oldhas a Nintendo Wii.

It's great, right?

Nintendo?

It's great.

It's so fun because instead ofplaying video games like this,

you play video games like this.

There's a big difference.

And I was reallypsyched about it.

And then I foundout from a friend

that they're not making GrandTheft Auto IV for the Wii.

They're just not making it,which is really upsetting.

It's supposed to be thebest video game ever.

But then I thought about it.

I was like, no, it'sprobably better off if they

didn't make thatgame for the Wii.

Can you imagine, like, ifyou wanted to choke a hooker

to death, you'd actually haveto be like-- It's not fun.

-I also like to eat food in thegrocery store before I buy it.

I think that's a risky move.

I walk around with a bagof chips, eating them.

And I look at people like,yeah, I might pay for these.

Not sure.

Don't even know yet.

Then when I check out,I take out the empty bag

and I give it to the woman.

She's like, oh, mygod, you're so honest.

I'm like, well,that's just how I am.

I don't tell her about thedonut I had over at the bakery.

What's that, a quarter.

Please.

My buddy and I were sittingaround the other day,

having a very intelligentconversation about, if we could

have one superpower,what would it be?

One superpower, anybody?

AUDIENCE: Flying.

-Flying.

Good one.

AUDIENCE: Invisibility.

AUDIENCE: Being an Amish robot.

-Being an Amish robot.

For the guy thatneeds attention.

Huh?

Polls?

Can't get you.

Gold?

AUDIENCE: Seduce any woman.

-Seduce any woman.

OK.

I picked invisible.

My buddy picked flying.

And he got upset with mebecause he couldn't fathom how

I would rather beinvisible and fly.

And he goes, bro, you knowwhat kind of rush you get,

flying through the air?

And I go, bro, youknow what kind of rush

you get, following a family homeand watching them eat dinner?

That's a rush.

Just pinned up againstthe kitchen wall,

like-- who would eat pizzaand drink orange juice?

That's too much acid.

Everytime they takea bite to eat, just

knock the fork outof their hands.

Kids are crying.

Get a CabbagePatch Kid, bring it

through the living room,like it's floating.

The husband's like,what's going on, Maryanne?

She's like, I don't know, Jack,but somebody keeps tickling me.

That'd be me.

I said to my buddy, what happenswhen your superpower runs out?

What are you going to do then?

You're flying over theMediterranean and all

of a sudden, pfft, you're dead.

What's the worst thingthat's going to happen to me?

Sitting on some guy's couch,watching the Monday night game,

all of a sudden, pfft,How's it going, man?

Ooh, 14 to six at half time.

What were we doing inthe second quarter?

Ooh.

Yeah, I'll get out of here.

I'll get out of here.

I think you'd be morescared than that guy.

Because you'd get socomfortable in the surroundings,

all of a sudden, you'd belike, what are you doing here?

He's like, I live here.

You'd be like, oh,yeah, that's right.

-Is the trout betterthan the mussels?

-Can I get the tartar too?

-Can we share the tartar?

-Yeah, 100%.

-We're going toshare the tartar.

-Just-- but give it to meand then we'll go from there.

This is really some ofyour best work right now.

-Gotta go prosciutto, man.

-We can talk about all thehomeless people that have been

telling us we've beendoing a good job.

-Yeah.

-Making it with the homeless.

-Well, because it feelslike very transient.

Like, when I wason the boardwalk

yesterday, twodiff-- no, our shows

are attracting likeall types of people.

There's like kids,there's elderly people,

there's the homeless people.

-But we are doing showsin people's homes.

You know what I mean?

Like, some of the peoplelive where we're doing--

-Right, right.

-We took the--where the stage is--

-We're like in anobserving room right now.

-Anne said there'd be someonewith a boa constrictor,

and I saw two people yesterdaywith boa constrictors.

-And a lemur.A dude with a lemur.

Ugh.

-And like really, ifsomeone-- if you wanted

to scare me, justbe like sharks.

And they'd be like, ah, I wentto the beach this morning,

there were littlesharks and I ran out--

-I know, it's insane.

-Like a school of little sharks.

-When you were swimming?

-Yeah.

And I--

-How do you knowthey were sharks?

-They were little sharks.

I know what sharks--

-How deep in the water were you?

-Tuna look a lot like sharks.

-Yeah.

Come on.

You know, waist deep.

-And you saw a school of sharks.

-Yeah.

-Like this.

Waist deep.

-Is this one of those jokes?

-Go up to my nipples.

No, this is a realthing that happened.

-Ha ha!Now it's a joke.

-Wait. that's very scary.

Maybe I'm not goingto go swimming on--

-Aw, come on.

-They were like-- they werelike shark tank sharks,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, shark tank sharks.

Ew.

You got a couple at home.

-Like Tracy Morgan wouldhave these in his apartment.

-In his act?

-In his act, hebrings out a tank.

Hey, man.

Look at my sharks.

-Sharks are my biggestfear, actually.

-Get me on the Golden Globes.

-Doesn't that scare you?

-Insanely.

-Wow.

That's-- that's intense.

-You've been doing impressionsof all our favorite comics.

-I know.

-Do, uh, do Phyllis Diller.

[cackling]

-That's my Phyllis Diller.

-All right, guys, can we talk?

New topic, canoeing.

-Isn't that kayaking?

-Yeah, but it's inthe whole ocean.

-I'm not normally outside.

-What's the point of that?

-That's exercise.

-A jet ski comes by, just like

[screeching noise]

-Is jet skiing fun?

-No, it's horrifying.-I love it.

-I did it once, I'mlike six foot seven,

250 with a dude who'ssix foot five 280,

and we're on the same onetogether and we couldn't--

-What are you, Jason Bourne?

-Bottom line, wecouldn't get back

on because we were too big.

-Oh, you fell off?

-We fell off, both struggling,we just kept flipping over.

So we had to swimback a far distance.

-Pulling it?

-Yeah, just like thatbecause we're just too big.

Now do you see where theweight becomes a factor?

With your Jason Bourne comments?

-There's a saying in Italian,it translates being tall,

half the battle's one.

-I totally agree with that.

Don't you?

-It's hard being short.

-The tallest manrunning for president,

up until a certainpoint always won.

Up until-- like when allof the debates were live,

and people were like, Ican one of the fellas.

-But social situationsare a little easier

because you're kind ofnaturally dominating people--

-But--

-When you're short, it's likeyou kind of have to try harder.

-Well, the order ofmeetings last night

was in terms ofheight, wasn't it?

-That's how it always is.

-But when the cops bust a party,you're the first one arrested.

-Or if you're dancing,everyone's looking at you.

-That guy!

-You can't dance properly--

-If you're tall.

-You're above everyone,you're like is this right?

-You can't be in crowds becausepeople get mad that you're

blocking everybody,you're always yelled at,

and everyone thinks you're gay.

-That last one especially.

-Most gay guys are tall.

It's a fact.

-No, it's not.

-Yeah.

-Once you're a certainheight, you just go gay.

-Yeah, because you like--

-Money, height.

-You're just drunk on power.

-Anyone ever driven a go-kart?

-No.

-Oh, I thought thatwas the next step.

-I would like to get on a boat.

-I mentioned we shouldhave a boat excursion.

-He doesn't like boats.

What did you say they were?

-They're just likelittle rooms that move.

Like, that's how you feel.

-Did you ever make a couchfort when you were a kid?

-Yeah, I loved it.

-Not if it's rocking backand forth when you're--

-Well, you've never beenin a teak wood yacht.

OK?

-Talk about it girl.

-Yacht implies that it's fancy

-Though.

You can't, there are nolike, low class yachts.

There's low class Winnebagos.

You guys seen my shitty yacht?

-Right.

-I'm kind of embarrassed.

It's not the best yacht.

-It's like a crappy private jet.

-There must be alow end yacht, it's

just like what's the point?

-What is the lowest, thecheapest yacht you can get?

There's no bar, there'sjust a soda gun with tap.

You're like, I'm sorry.

-It's probably not ayacht, but these people

call it their yacht.

-Right.

-It's probably like a--

-Other yachts arelike, not a yacht!

No!

Not acknowledged bythe yacht community!

-Nachts.

-Nachts.

-That's wicked funny.

-Not acknowledged bythe yacht community.

The yacht community,now there's--

-You keep showingup to the meetings.

No.

You do not have the sea.

That's what they say,instead of the floor.

[music playing]

-Can we get some coffee, please?

[laughter]

-The funniest, uh, wording in acommercial ever is for Extends.

Because they neveractually say that

it makes your wiener bigger.

-Right, because they can't.

-You know, they'realways like, it

makes you biggerin that fun place.

-Right.

-And it's like, where is fun?

NATASHA LEGGERO: I likethe Tiger Woods' one

that was like for Tag Heuer,or whatever that watch is.

And it's just like,do you have integrity?

And it's like-- itwas like on Wilshere,

like, because it was from like--

-It just says, doyou have integrity?

-It's like do you have-- do youhave, like, what counts inside?

Or like something,like, really like--

it was like selling, like--

JOE MANDE: Areyou a good person?

-Yeah, it was like that.

-The new fragrancefrom Paris Hilton.

-The new Tiger Woods,Loyalty, by Tiger.

[laughter]

-And then he hadthe, is it in you?

-Right.

His Gatorade flavor was calledFocus, which kind of works.

He was focused.

-I want a Gatorade flavor.

-I feel bad for the dude.

NATASHA LEGGERO: You knowwho I don't feel bad for?

All those tramps that aregoing to have their own TV

show next season.

JOE MANDE: Yeah.

-All those girls arejust capitalizing--

-Bringing tramps back?

- -- being a tramp.

That's what you call them.

They're like golf course tramps.

-Oh course.

I totally agree.

-They're kind of haggardand they're just kind

of like coming forwardlike they're all noble.

-Yeah, I'm a tramp.

What of it?

Give me a cigarette.

-I can't contain it any longer.

I, too, have--

-Yeah.

Give me a scotchand a cigarette.

-I know.

They act like victims.

-They-- they do.

Uh, I, too, have been avictim of Tiger Woods' penis.

And as painful as it is forme and the other strippers

at Spearmint Rhino,I'm going to go through

with the book dealat Random House.

-I know.And they're like crying.

-No pictures, please.

-Yeah.

-What a scoop!

-It's very sad.

-Is that a tramp?

-Tiger Woods-- what elsecould you call them?

-Over here, please, tramp.

-No, because youcan't call them sluts.

That's too mean.

-No, I'm with you.

I'm applauding.

-I call them modern women.

-Golf course tramps.

They're like ex waitressesand they're like VIP now.

-You don't think Tiger's wifeknew what she was getting into?

Like, there's no wayhis behavior didn't

scream, like,banging waitresses.

-With all thatputting in silence.

-It's an arrangement.

I just don't thinkit's a real marriage.

-Look at how quiet he hisout there on the green.

He's probably banginga bunch of people.

-No.

But he's like, oh, yeah.

Hang on a second, honey.

It's 4:00 in the morning,my buddy needs me.

NATASHA LEGGERO: No.

But he's always on the road.

-That's probably what he said.

He was like, uh, night golf.

It's a new thing.

I don't know.

I have to go.

My caddy needs assistance.

-Again?

-Like one affair, twowomen, maybe three.

If you have 15 womengoing, a chick knows.

-Well, you're just a sex addict.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, a womenhas to know that.

-She had to know going in.

-Because he's probablynot having sex with her.

-Why did she have to know?

He's a golfer.

Like, I know-- youknow what I mean?

-What's that?

-He's a professional golfer.

I would trust most golfers.

-He's a billionaire pro athlete.

-Really?

You have faith in golfers?

-It's the money factor.

Once you make enoughmoney, you can have anyone.

It's like, I mean, he's asex addict, yes, supposedly.

-Try to say apersonality billionaire,

pro athlete, always on the run.

That screams fidelity.

-They say, tell me ifthis is true, Owen.

That a man is asfaithful as his options.

-That's not true.

-I can't believewe agree on that.

[laughs loudly]

-Well, you canalways pay for it.

-This is the first thingthey've agreed on all weekend.

-What are the chances?

I thought for sure you weregoing to use party as a verb

and argue with herfor 10 mintues.

And both of us werelike, that's not true.

It's very sexy to becommitted to your woman.

[music playing]