Wednesday, January 6, 2016

  • 01/06/2016

Jamie Lee, Chris Cubas and Doug Benson guess where the Internet's Waldos have been hiding, list #BirdCelebs and send video messages to the owner of a lost phone.

Ripped from today's Internetheadlines, it's Rapid Refresh.

(applause and cheering)

Mm, mm, mm.

After months of drought,

it finally rainedin Los Angeles,

which means our drought'sall solved now, guys.

Two days of rain, we're good.

-(laughter)-Uh...

But seriously,there's a lot of rain.

The city has not been this wet

since Bieber'sdick pic got released.

(laughter and groaning)

(imitates horn blowing)

It's too loudto press the button.

Uh, but in additionto plants finally getting...

HARDWICK: (laughing):Yeah, I couldn't... I just...

-You pussy.-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

But in addition

to plants finallygetting something to drink,

Brad Walsh capturedthis miracle of nature.

-WOMAN: Someone's driving.-MAN: Somebody's driving.

WOMAN:Someone is definitely driving.

MAN:It just turned around.

WOMAN:Oh, wait. Now this is...

-MAN: No. -HARDWICK:Oh, look out! Look out!

(people groaning)

LEE:Oh, my God.

Behold the garbage ark,

carrying away twoof every kind of rubbish.

Also worth noting--

that waste bin drivesa lot better

than most people in L.A. rain.

Though it clearlyshould not be driving,

because it's trashed. Uh...

(imitates horn sounding)

Why did you hold your ears?

Thought you wouldn'tpuss out that time.

HARDWICK:I'm not really...

-(horn blowing)-(applause and cheering)

I don't think it's any better.I think mine's better.

Comedians,this bin is clearly in a hurry.

Where is he going?

Doug Benson.

It's going to Binseyland.

-LEE: Oh, no. No! -CUBAS:Oh, we gonna get...

-(horn sounding)-LEE: God!

HARDWICK:Points. Uh, Chris Cubas.

Uh, it's going to meethis father, Donald Trump.

(laughter and groaning)

-(applause and cheering)-Points.

-(Cubas whoops)-(applause and cheering)

CUBAS:He's human garbage.

Wait. You guys don't like Trump?What's happening?

HARDWICK:I don't know.

I don't think so.That's black. Uh...

(laughter and groaning)

(applause and cheering)

You can tell it's blackbecause the cops just shot it.

-(laughter and groaning)-You know, flies all over.

-(applause and cheering)-Points to Chris Cubas.

Also...

no points to humanityfor the truth in that statement.

It's now timefor the Hashtag Wars.

(applause and cheering)

You know, a lotof our hashtags are dopey,

and tonight is no exception.

Bird celebs.I'm very excited.

There's justtoo many bird celebs

to waste time in an intro.

We got to fly through this,'cause, uh,

we need to hear the Mia Sparrow,Jimmy Tallon, Goose Willis,

Not to mention J.K. Owling,Birdie Sanders,

and, of course, Katy Parroty.

Uh, so without further ado,let's play #BirdCelebs!

-In 60 seconds and begin.-LEE: Yes.

-Chris Cubas.-Uh, Louie D.U.C.K.

HARDWICK:Points.

Doug Benson.

-Sparrow Agnew.-HARDWICK: Points.

Chris.

-Dwayne "The Cock" Johnson.-HARDWICK: Points.

-Whoa!-HARDWICK: Jamie Lee.

-Raven-Symone.-HARDWICK: Points. Oh.

It's already... Doug.

-Kylo Wren.-HARDWICK: Yeah.

With a "W"!

-Yeah.-Yes, oh, very well played.

-Jamie.-Stephen Hawking.

Yes. Points.

-Doug.-Sir Hen Kingsley.

Points!

-Chris.-Uh, Sean Puffin Combs.

(laughter)

BENSON:Mm-hmm.

That was... Wait. That wasbefore he became Peacock Diddy.

-(laughter, shouts)-Ah... points.

-Doug Benson. -Yeah.Steven Aviary, the murderer.

Okay. Oh, good, yeah.

If people are watching Making a Murderer, that's hilarious.

-Everyone's watching it.-Uh, if you're not watching

that documentary,it's on Nestflix.

(shouting, laughter)

It is time to playCover Me Badd. With two D's.

-Cover Me Badd.-(cheering, applause)

♪ I wanna points you up...

Uh...

How come no one said,"Tick-tock, you don't stop"?

Yeah, okay, all right, fine.

Ask... ask your grandparents.

Uh, now, my friends knowthat I'm a huge fan

of the band Radiohead, so tonsof people on social media

have been forwarding methis clip of Courtney Love

"covering" "Creep," uh,in her usual style,

which can only be describedas a dying duck on Quaaludes.

♪ You were here before

♪ Looking in the eye...

(groaning, laughter)

♪ I don't belong...

-CUBAS: She looks like...-LEE: Well, that is true.

she looks likeTim Burton made her.

Like, she's like a...a dying puppet.

Actually, it looks like TimBurton only partially made her,

-and just never finished.-LEE: Um, actually,

she's performing withher cover band, The Other Hole.

(laughter)

Oh, hundred points to Jamie Leeon that one.

-Yeah-heh!-(applause)

I've always thoughtshe kind of sounded...

I think it's pretty on parwith everything else.

It's just, everything elseI've heard of her.

She basically just sounds like

an out-of-tune accordion with a deviated septum

who was drownedin a heroin pool.

-Uh... this is just one-(laughter)

of many countless terriblecovers littering the YouTube.

I'm gonna show you a cover songthat massacres the original.

For 250 points,you're gonna have to answer

a question about it, all right?

First up, let's take a tripto the Love Shack!

♪ So hurry upand bring your jukebox money ♪

(off-key): ♪ The Love Shackis a little old place ♪

♪ Where we can get together...

Now, wait a minute!That's not the original?

Nah. Weird.

What else might you findin this couple's Love Shack?

-Chris. -Uh, a dildomade of old chicken bones.

(laughter)

Points.

-I mean...-She's feeling it right now.

Look at her face.Look at her face.

She's like...finger-lickin' good!

(groans, laughter)

Next one.Oh, by the way, I should mention

that these two havean album for Amazon on sale.

If you're lookingfor a perfect soundtrack

to skin your squirrels to,have fun.

Next up, this extra-sexy versionof Nelly's "Hot in Herre."

MEN:♪ It's getting hot in here

♪ So take off all your robes

WOMEN:♪ I'm getting so hot

♪ I wanna take my robe off...

(laughter, whooping)

I feel like...

I feel like that one grandmawas n feeling so hot.

What happensafter the clothes come off?

Doug.

The sexiest group napyou've ever seen.

(laughter, applause)

LEE:Aw.

Points.

-Jamie.-The teeth come out.

-(laughter)-Ooh!

-Points. -The lights go down,the teeth come out.

I like it.

Next one.How about this lo-fi take

on Justin Bieber's "Baby."

♪ Like baby, baby, baby

♪ Oh, my baby, baby, baby

♪ No, my baby, baby, baby...

(grunts)

Why, this video has everything!

What's on this guy'sbackstage rider?

-Jamie.-An end to his suffering.

(laughter)

(applause)

Next one.These aspiring punk rockers

covering Green Day.

(off-key):♪ I walk that lonely road

♪ The only onethat I have ever known ♪

♪ Don't know where it goes

♪ But it's home to me

♪ And I walk alone...

(laughter)

What do these guys dofor an encore?

Doug Benson.

They finish sound-checkand the band comes on.

-(laughter, applause)-Points. Points.

Jamie.

Uh, not (bleep).

HARDWICK:Yeah. All right.

-(applause)-Points.

Next one.We have this cover

of the Nu metal classic"Down with the Sickness,"

-which I'm sure you're excitedto see. -LEE: Mmm.

(deep voice):♪ Uh, wah-ah-ah

(high-pitched):♪ Down with the sickness

♪ Get down, come and get downwith the sickness ♪

♪ Get down, comeand get down with the sickness ♪

♪ Open up your hateand let it flow into me... ♪

♪ Buh, buh, buh, buh!

♪ Buh, buh, buh, buh!Ooh, wah-ah-ah-ah! ♪

(applause)

Uh, what didthis guy's girlfriend say

after he showedthis video to her?

Doug.

She said,"I'm so glad I don't exist."

(laughter)

-(applause)-Points.

Very good. Points.

Chris.

I think we should catfishother people.

(laughter)

Before the break,

I told you about two heroes

who twerked hardto contact the owner

of a lost phone and asked you torecord your own video message.

Let's see what you made.Doug, let's start with yours.

Hi, I found your phonein an Uber

and I'd like to return itto the rightful owner

after I finish jacking off

to all of the bikini photosin there.

Sorry it's so sticky.

HARDWICK:It's very polite.

-It's very polite of you.-That is sweet.

Jamie Lee.

Hey, I found your phone.

You have the cutestcase on it.

You shop at a really goodmall kiosk.

Also, your mom texts a lot.

Maybe you shouldtalk to her about that.

Anyway, I'm down here

in my doomsday bunkerin case Trump wins.

Don't feel bad for me.

It's actually pretty okay.

It's mostly just, like,snacks and masturbating

and snacks.

I actually have to keepyour phone,

because, well,it's my only friend.

Whoops, got to go, snack time.

Masturbating.

HARDWICK:Excellent. Very catchy.

It's got a beat,you can dance to it.

And Chris Cubas.

♪ I found your phone in a Uber

♪ I found your walletin a Uber ♪

♪ I found your vapein a Uber, dude ♪

Your condoms in a Uber.

♪ I found your weedin my pocket ♪

♪ I foundyour weed in my pocket ♪

♪ I found your weedin my pocket ♪

-BENSON: Where you going?-HARDWICK: Very nice.

-Those are very...-Where'd he go?

As we go to our next game,

There's Waldo.There's Waldo.

Back in the 20th centuryour "find the panda" meme

was an anorexic world travelerwith a bum knee

who dressed like a gayFrench merchant marine

named Waldo.

Uh, we looked everywherefor this (bleep) guy.

And I'm happy to reportthe Internet has found him

many times over.

So I'm gonna show you somephotos of some Waldos,

and you have to tell mewhere the hell

they just were, all right?

First up, this bosomy Waldo.Jamie.

Uh, writing poetry thatthe world isn't ready for.

All right, points.

Next one, where-wherewas this guy, Doug?

Looks like he just got dumpedout of Santa's bag.

Points.

Next up, uh, wherewere these two, Jamie?

Uh, Christmasat Robert Durst's house.

Aw.

Points to Jamie Lee.

Uh, next, next, what about, uh,

what about man's best Waldo?Chris.

Licking all that peanut butteroff your mom's pussy!

HARDWICK:Oh, Waldo!

I like that in that scenariohe puts on that disguise

to lick her pussy.

HARDWICK:Yeah.

Well, those aremy dad's glasses, so...

Straight up.

And lastly, these beardo Waldos.

Yes, Jamie.

Uh, just Brooklyn.

That...

HARDWICK:Points. Yes, for sure.

-Can I address one thingreal quick? -Yeah.

The dude on the rightis definitely

giving the dude on the lefta hand job, right?

-That's absolutely... -HARDWICK:Yeah, oh, there's no...

yeah, there's no question.