Jonah Ray

  • Season 2, Ep 7
  • 05/24/2013

Jonah Ray reveals what it's like to have a live-in girlfriend, remembers a tense game of Truth-or-Date and recounts an unpleasant encounter with a heavy metal musician.

I don't like it. I don't like...I don't like...

Because I'm old now,I'm 30... I'm 30... I'm not...

Eh, there's not a two anymore.It's a three,

and it looks weird.

I don't like it 'cause I don'tfeel like an adult, you know?

Like, I don't feel like I havean adult body, you know?

Like-like, I was watchinga football game--

I was supportingmy favorite color scheme

and hoping they getall the points--

I was watchinga-a football game.

There's a guy going, "I'm 22."

I was like, "What?!

"But you have a man's body.

Where's my man's body?"

I've been drinking beerand eating burritos,

waiting for it show up--it has not.

(chuckles)I look like I have the bodyof a hairy baby.

I'm an adult. I don't knowhow to dress myself.

All my clothes are too tight.

I... Like, I... It's like...

This-this jacket?Not 'cause I'm cold.

It's because the shirtis ripped in the back.

I have many shirts like that.

And many jackets on a hot day.

Throw 'em out? No.

I-I dress like... the clothesare just too small.

I dress like I wentto a carnival last night

and wished I was big.

I found a boogerin my hair recently.

That's not like... Then, like...There was a booger

from my nose on my head.

In my head on my head,tangled up.

And my first reaction was like,

"I am, um, an adult."(chuckles)

"What are you doing here?"

I'm still scared of the dark.

Is anyone else scaredof the dark?(light applause)

I'm so scared of the dark.

But not for, like,silly childish reasons.

I'm scared of the darkfor practical reasons.

'Cause when it's dark, you know,you can't see anything,

and you can easily tripover something.

Like a m-m-monster.

I was talkingto somebody recently.

I was having a conversationwith somebody.

Words and sentences.

And then I askedhow old they were, what year

they were born in,and the guy said 1995.

No! 1995?!

But you're saying wordsand you're communicating!

You walked over here!I saw it with my eyes.

You're not born in '95!

That's impossible. You were...

It's like...Remember when Kurt Cobain died?

Feels like it was last year.

He couldn't remember itif he tried!

He could do all he could and go,"Mm, can't do it."

It's-it's horrible.

(stutters)I thought we-we all decided,like, after Kurt Cobain died,

I thought we were like, "No morepeople?" "Nah, no more people.

Let's just stop having people'cause humanity is the worst."

And he told me about his...thoughts and opinions

like he had any.It was ridiculous.

You don't know anything.You're dumb. You'll see.

But I was that kid.I was that, you know, lame kid

always just tryingto mess with old guys.

I worked at a record storein Venice Beach, California,

and I just used to, like, uh,mess with dudes all the time,

all the old guysthat would come in.

Like, I rememberwhen James Brown died.

A guy came, he was like, "Ican't believe James Brown died."

And I said to him,"Yeah, do you think

"when he was on his deathbedand then he finally passed on

"a guy put a glittery capeon him just in case?

Just to make sure?"

"Did you trythe American flag one?"

"Yeah, I did." "Oh, the funkis dead. Call it."

Out of a record storein Venice Beach, you got

a lot of guys coming injust talking about, like,

the old music they used to like.

They're not even thereto buy stuff.

They're worse than...homeless people, old people are.

It's like, they would come in,tell me, it's like,

"Oh, man. This is Venice Beach.

This is where the Doorsare from."

I said, "Man, the Doors werethe Smash Mouth of their time."

Not good is what I mean by that.

In caseyou're a Smash Mouth fan.

If you are,

get the (bleep) out!

You're not wanted.

Here's a sad fact,here's a sad fact:

the guy that singsin Smash Mouth,

richer than all of us combined.

You know what he sounds like?


And he's famous and rich.

No one really laughs at that

because it's so (bleep)depressing.

I'm 30. I'm 30.

I... have to make the decisionto be healthy now.

I got to be a healthy guy.

The only, uh...

the only thing that's reallydifferent in my life is that

that's not a beer; that's vodka.

That's the difference!

That's the one thing I changed.

It's a lot more fun.A lot faster.


It's just like... I got to...I got to fix it

'cause I'm getting, the physique of a...

junkie that's also reallyinto pizza and donuts, you know?


I love that imagerymore than anything in my life.

Just, like, rightbefore nodding off,

"Whoa, Dunkin'."

"Don't mind if I..."(snores)

"...I do!"

I try not to drink beer,

which is the worst thingI've ever done in my life.

(chuckles)It's really hard. I love beer.

I love... I love,like, a hefeweizen beer.

You guys, like a wheat beer.Oh, it's good.

It's like candy. I tr...I'd eat candy to get drunk

if I could. Can't.Doesn't work, so I...

so hefeweizen.

But it sucks'cause it's, like, the most

fattening beer you can drink.So much carbs, a lot of sugar.

And it's like saying, "Hey, man.

What's your favorite kindof bread?"


"Cake's my favoritekind of bread.

"You ever have hamand Swiss on red velvet?

"Oh!(gibberish sounds)

I'm kind of a foodie,and it's my thing."

Quick tip:posting pictures on Facebook

of food does notmake you a foodie;

it makes you unfriendableon Facebook.

I like a good excuse to drink--

you need that as you get older.(chuckles)

Can't just go all out,especially when you get

into a relationship, you need anexcuse to drink during the day,

which is the best time to drink.

It's like you're getting awaywith something. You're not.

But it seems like it.You're like a spy.

You ever get drunkduring the day and then realize

you have to run an errand?Not a... Not fun.

"Anyway, we reallyshould work on that ba...

"Oh! My kids!

They won't know."

They know.

And it makessome of this happen.

I get... That's why you needa-an excuse.

You know, a good excuse to drink

is a sad friend. Ooh!A sad friend

is the best excuse to drink,'cause if you got that,

then you're set,because it's, like,

you can use that as an excuse.

I have a friend thatgoes through, like,

bad relationships constantly,and that's probably why

I keep him around.

He's, like, "Things aren'tgoing good with me and Amy."

I'd be, like, oh, no!

He needs the...(singing gibberish)

going to the thing, you and me.


Come on, I'll take youto Happy Land!

(laughter)'Cause I'm a good friend.

And now I can use thatas an excuse to my girlfriend.

I could be, like, "Well, whatam I supposed to do, Sheila?"

Fake girlfriend nameI just made up, Sheila.

"What am I supposed to do?

"He's my best friend, you bitch!

"I'm supposedto leave him here by himself?

(stammering):"He... What?

"Yeah. Yeah,I got Irish car bombs.

"I got a whole mess of them,because he just needs to let go,

"we need to do this. Wait.

"What's that?

"Yeah, I got chicken wings.

"Got a whole messof chicken wings,

"'cause he wasn't allowed toeat 'em, and now he's gonna...


"I don't know whenhe's gonna show up.


"But when he does...

we're gonna talk aboutwhy you're so tall in this bit."



I'll tell you a story... I wentto this house party once, and

there was a lot of us hangingout, and it turns out, uh,

Lars Ulrichfrom Metallica was there.

Uh, he's the drummerfor Metallica.

And we're all hanging outand it's, uh, crazy

'cause this guy's... Like,I grew up loving this dude.

I just like... He was one of myfavorite drummers of all time.

Uh, not so much anymore.

And it was like...It was kind of crazy.

I was like,"This is really crazy.

This is Lars Ulrich." And, uh...

I'm not gonna say legallythat he was doing cocaine.

But... cocaine was being done

and it wasn't anybody else.

And he starts trying to tell usabout, like, it's, like, music

and stuff like that, and, likejust start trying to figure out

one song, he's just, like,"Ah, oh, yeah, you got to...

oh, this one song, oh, brother."

And, uh... "Oh, brother"?

You're in a metal band.

And then he's, like, uh,

he's, like, he's, like,trying to tell us a song.

We're like,"Oh, we don't have it."

And this was a while back,too, this happened.

And, uh, he... we're nextto a computer-- he's like,

"Oh, uh, doesthat computer go online?"

And I was like, "Yeah,

"if it didn't I'd throw itout the (bleep) window.

What good would itdo me if it didn't?"

He's like, "Oh, well, anyway,yeah, I'll, um, I'll just, uh,

I'll download that song."

Now, here's the thingyou got to know.

This is pre-iTunes.

To say the words "I'm gonnadownload a song"

was illegal.

Mainly in part to

Lars (bleep) Ulrich.

This is the guy who made itso no one could do that.

The people that did--he sued them.

He sued fans of him--that'd be like

someone coming to me,"I really like your stuff."

And then I'd punch themin the balls.

And take their money.

And then poop on their face.

And then everyone kind of getsweird, they're like, "Whoa.

"This is... you're... what?

Nah, nah, why would...?"

And then, uh, he's, like, heunderstands it's kind of weird.

He's like, "Oh, no, no,it's cool-- I kind of have

an ultimate hall passwhen it comes to this thing."

Again, "ultimate hall pass"--how old are you?

You're in Metallica, come on.

And then, uh, and thenyou're just like, uh...

he's like, "I can do this."

And then I was like,"You know what?

If anyone could do that,it's not you."

That's like Hitler...


Years after that, same house.

I don't know why I went backto it after that situation.

I went to the house and me,and my friend Doug are there.

And, uh, we're bored, and thenwe somehow are drunk enough

to, like, go, "Hey, we shouldall play Truth or Dare,

'cause we're adults."

And then, like,

our whole plan was we were gonnastart a game of Truth or Dare,

and then we're gonna get girlsto kiss,

like, so it's not creepy, it's,like, I was like, "I dare you

to kiss my friend Doug," andDoug's gonna go, "I dare you

to kiss Jonah,"and it was gonna be great.

We were both gonnaget to kiss girls.

I was 25. (laughs)

And so we start playing,

and Doug's not going alongwith the game plan.

Three times, I've gottengirls to kiss him,

he's had his opportunitya handful,

I've not kissed any girls.

So all of a sudden I startlooking like a weirdo going,

like, "You, I dare youto kiss my friend Doug.

"He's so good at it.

He's the king of making out."

And he's doing nothing for me.

And then, walkingthrough the kitchen

where we're playing this

is Courtney Love.

The "musician."

From Hole.

She's walking by

and I see her, and I'm like,

in a drunken Tourette's moment,I'm like,

"Hey, Courtney Love, you in onthis game of Truth or Dare?"

And before I could turn backto my friends and go,

"Did you just see what I saidto Courtney Love?"

she goes, "Okay," and thensaunters up to the table

like a drunken walrus.

And then everyone, like,looks at me going,

"Aw, you justruined this party.

She is the opposite of a party--this is a bummer."

And then, like, uh,

she's, like, part of the game.

She's the newestperson in there.

And, um, so it'sher turn to be asked.

And so a girl goes,"All right, Courtney Love...

(giggly mumbling)

...truth or dare?"(giggly mumbling)

And we're all laughing becausewe're too old to be doing this.

And then Courtney Love says,"Truth."

And then we all go, "Oh, no...

"Oh, what?



"Oh, way to go,

Dumb Girl."

And then we all start zeroingin on the girl going,

"Go and ask her.

Go and ask her, ooh,just ask her, ask her!"

We have this opportunity,we have this window

of an opportunity to askCourtney Love that question.

Anyone that's a fan of musicat all gets to ask her

if she had anything to dowith it, if she knows anything

what, like, what happened...'cause she can't lie.

It's Truth or Dare.

It would negate the whole thing.

And then the girl doesn't knowwhat to do, so she's, like,

"Oh, um... (groans)

uh... best personyou ever had sex with."

Everyone's like,


Literally, everyone said, "Boo."

She starts to answer,

and then everyone's just like,"You know what-- party's over."

We all start getting up,we're all pissed at that girl.

And, like, it's just,like, lame.

And then, like, uh, I goand find that girl later on

in the party, I go, "What wasyour problem back there?

You choked."

And she's like,"Did you really expect me

to ask her that question?"

I said, "Even ifCourtney Love had said, 'Dare,'

"you should have said,'I dare you to tell us

you killed Kurt Cobain.'"