CC Presents: Pat Dixon

  • Season 10, Ep 17
  • 04/13/2006

THANK YOU, NEW YORK.

HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HOW ARE YOU?

HOW ARE YOU?

WOW, YOU MAKE ME FEEL GREAT. I ALREADY FEEL GREAT.

I'VE BEEN FEELING GREATFOR A LITTLE WHILE.

AND YOU GUYS ARE OBVIOUSLY IN A GOOD MOOD TONIGHT.

- IS THAT CORRECT? YES.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I AM, TOO. I FEEL GREAT BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE.

RIGHT, WHICH IS EXCITING. YEAH. UH-HUH.

YEAH. FROM THE MOMENTI HAD LAID EYES ON HER,

I KNEW THAT SHE WAS SOMEONE I WAS LOOKING AT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SHE WAS KIND OF AWHOLE PACKAGE GIRL, TOO.

YOU KNOW? SHE'S GOT A SEXY BODY AND A SEXY VOICE.

AND HER HEAD IS SO HAIRYAND FULL OF BRAINS AND--

I JUST HOPE WE CLICK, LIKE SEXUALLY,

'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO BED YET.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT CHEMISTRY IS THERE OR NOT.

WHEN I WENT TO MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN, I LIKE IT TO FEEL

PASSIONATELY EMOTIONAL,YOU KNOW AND ALMOST

NON-CONSENSUAL, LIKE, YOU KNOW, I...

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A ROMANTIC,IS WHAT I AM, ACTUALLY,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT SEPARATES US FROM THE ANIMALS

YOU KNOW WE CAN LOOKA WOMAN IN THE FACE WHENWE MAKE LOVE, RIGHT?

WE ARE THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT CAN MAKE LOVE WHILE FACING

- ITS VICTIM. - [LAUGHTER]

SO, A LOT OF MEN AND WOMEN HERE TONIGHT--

I BET SOME OF YOU GUYS ARE ON A DATE, RIGHT?

MAYBE SOMEBODY THAT YOU'VE MET AND YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.

OR MAYBE SOMEONE THAT YOU'RE MARRIED TO,

AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THE BEST PART OF ANY RELATIONSHIP IS THE ENGAGEMENT.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE,

I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU-- RIGHT--

- BUT NOT YET. YOU KNOW? - [LAUGHTER]

WHEN YOU'RE ENGAGED, YOU STILL HAVE EXCITEMENT.

YOU KNOW? YOU STILL HAVE HOPE.

HMM, YOU STILL HAVE A FIANCEE. IT'S EVEN A NICE WORD, FIANCEE.

IT MAKES YOU WANT TO CALL HOME. FIANCEE.

AFTER THAT YOU GOT A SPOUSE. THAT A DAMN SPOUSE.

MAKES YOU WANNA CALL AN EXTERMINATOR OR SOMETHING.

I GOT A SPOUSE IN THE HOUSE. I'D LIKE TO GET RID OF IT.

I'VE HAD A COUPLE OF SPOUSES AT THIS POINT. OR SPICE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PLURAL IS FOR IT.

[LAUGHTER]

BEEN THROUGHTWO MARRIAGES, TWO DIVORCES,ONE ATTEMPTED MURDER.

AND I'M TIRED OF TV MAKEOVER'S. 'CAUSE A TV MAKEOVER ALWAYS

TAKES AN AVERAGE WOMAN AND THEY MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL.

AND I CAN'T TAKE AN AVERAGE WOMAN AND MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL.

BUT I CAN TAKE A CRAZY WOMAN AND MAKE HER VIOLENT.

- [LAUGHTER] - AIN'T LOVE GRAND?

SO FIRST MARRIAGE OVER MY WIFE LEFT.

FIRST THING I NOTICEDAFTER SHE LEFT,

MY CLOTHES QUIT WASHINGAND THEY QUIT DRYING

AND HANGING THEMSELVES UP. I FIGURED THEY'RE DEPRESSED.

[LAUGHTER]

GET IN THE MACHINE, FELLAS. WE GOT SOMETHING TO DO.

I GOTTA WASH CLOTHES NOW? I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH DETERGENT

TO BUY EITHER. YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, AND THE DETERGENT AISLE

IS LIKE A HAPPY LAND. ALL THOSE BRIGHT COLORED BOXES.

HAPPY NAMES LIKE CHEER AND GAIN AND SNUGGLE.

YOU KNOW MY LIFE IS BEER; PAIN; STRUGGLE.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T OPERATE THE MACHINES.THERE'S TOO MANY KNOBS

AND SWITCHES AND LEVERS,DIALS, SETTINGS.

I JUST WANNA WASH MY CLOTHES.

I DON'T WANT TO SEND THEM BACK IN TIME OR ANYTHING.

- I JUST WANNA WASH... - [LAUGHTER]

IT'D BE COOL IF YOU COULD SEND THEM BACK TO THREE WEEKS AGO,

- BEFORE THEY WERE DIRTY. - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL, SEND 'EM BACK TO THREE YEARS AGO,

WHEN THEY WERE STYLISH.WHY SHOULD THEY SUFFER?

IF YOU WERE TO ASK MEWHAT'S MY FAVORITE BEER,

I PROBABLY WOULD'VE SAID I DON'T KNOW,

- THE FIFTH ONE, I GUESS. - [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE ONE THAT MAKES ME GOOD-LOOKING, AND CLEVER, AND EVEN WISE.

AND THOSE ARE IMPORTANT QUALITIES TO HAVE

WHEN IT'S NOON AND YOU'RE DRINKING ALONE ON YOUR COUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

ALCOHOL WAS A BIG DRUG OF CHOICE FOR ME. I DID ENJOY THAT.

I TRIED OTHER DRUGS, I GUESS.I'M NOT PROUD OF IT OR WHATEVER.

I DON'T CONDEMN IT. I TRIED TO SMOKE POT AS A TEENAGER.

ME AND SOME FRIENDS OF MINE, WE USED TO TRY POT EVERY DAY

- BEFORE SCHOOL, YOU KNOW. - [LAUGHTER]

AFTER SCHOOL WE'D TRY IT AGAIN. YOU KNOW HOW KIDS ARE,

TRY THINGS EVERY DAYFOR A COUPLE OF YEARS. YOU KNOW.

BOTH OF MY SOPHOMORE YEARS I SMOKED A LOT OF POT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DID START DRINKING TOO YOUNG. I THINK IT HAPPENS NOW.

AND PEOPLE START DRINKING AT TOOYOUNG OF AN AGE AND DOING DRUGS.

I WAS IN THIS CONVENIENCE STOREAND THESE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS

WERE THERE, RIGHT, AND THEY WANTED ME TO BUY THEM

SOME BEER 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO YOUNG.

I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW. WANNA GO CAMPIN'?

[LAUGHTER]

I TRIED TO TELL HER IT WOULDN'TBE LIKE REGULAR CAMPING.

DO LIKE A HOLIDAY INNOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S THE WAY I LIKE TO CAMP,YOU KNOW,

- WITH HOT WATER AND CARPET. - [LAUGHTER]

I DO LIKE A MEDIUM RANGE HOTEL.

THAT'S WHERE I FEEL THE MOST COMFORTABLE.

I DON'T LIKE TOO EXPENSIVE OR TOO CHEAP.

IT ALWAYS BUGS ME WHEN I CHECK INTO

LIKE A REALLY EXPENSIVE HOTEL.WHEN YOU GO IN--

HIGH CEILINGS AND EVERYTHING. AND THE LOBBY'S ALL FANCY;

AND EVERYBODY'S KIND OF DRESSED TOO WELL.

AND MAYBEA LITTLE CONDESCENDING.

MAYBE THEY GOT A FOUNTAIN,

OR MAYBE THEY GOT APIANO THAT PLAYS ITSELF.

TO ME, THERE'S NOTHING MORE ARROGANT

THAN A PIANO THAT PLAYS ITSELF.

IT'S JUST SITTIN' THERE LIKE,I DON'T NEED YOU. I PLAY MYSELF.

YOU LIKE THAT SONG? THAT'S A BEETHOVEN SONATA, BITCH.

- YOU COULDN'T PLAY THAT-- - [LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YOU COULDN'T PLAY THIS.I PLAY MYSELF.

GET YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS AWAY FROM ME.

GET UPSTAIRS WITH YOUR TARGET LUGGAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

I HATE BEING TAUNTED BY A PIANO.

I DON'T WANNA STAY IN A PLACETHAT'S TOO CHEAP EITHER, THOUGH.

YOU EVER STAY IN A PLACETHAT'S TOO CHEAP?

LIKE A LITTLE CHEAPER THAN YOU REALLY INTENDED TO STAY IN?

THE KIND OF ROOM YOU WALK INTO, YOU'RE LIKE, DAMN.

THIS LOOKS LIKE AGOOD PLACE TO SHOOT UP.

[LAUGHTER]

AND LOOK, THERE'S ALREADY A NEEDLE ON THE FLOOR BY THE BED.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T TOUCH IT.I'M SURE THE LAST GUEST WAS DIABETIC.

- THAT'S ALL I KNOW. - [LAUGHTER]

DON'T EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A HEROINE JUNKY, THOUGH.

IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.THEY GOT A LOT OF LOVE.

THEY DO. BUT IT'S ALL IN VEIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M NOT A DRUG USER. BUT ONE TIME I DID ACCIDENTALLY

SWALLOW A BOTTLE OF RUM.AND I PASSED OUT DRUNK.

YOU EVER PASS OUT AND THEN LEAVE SOMETHING ON ALL NIGHT?

HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU? LIKE A CONDOM, OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T KNOW ITUNTIL YOU GET UP TO PEE THE NEXT MORNING.

- THERE'S LIKE NO NOISE. - [LAUGHTER]

JUST FILLS UP LIKE AWATER BALLOON IN THERE.

BUT IT OCCURS TO ME, DAMN, I COULDA LAID IN BED

- ANOTHER TEN MINUTES. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M GONNA TIE THIS OFF AND HIT SNOOZE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA DO THIS EVERY NIGHT.

- I ALWAYS A CONDOM. - [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHY I LOOK AT YOU WHEN I SAY THAT,

- BUT-- - [LAUGHTER]

BUT I DO.[CLICKS TONGUE]

HOW COME DURING SEX IT'S OKAY TO SAY "WHO'S YOUR DADDY",

RIGHT, BUT IT'S NOT OKAY TO SAY I LOVE YOU, MOMMY"?

[LAUGHTER]

WHY DOES THAT RUIN EVERYTHING?

I THINK A MOTHER/CHILD RELATIONSHIP IS A BEAUTIFULTHING TO WATCH.

THERE'S LIKE A KIND OF PEACE THAT SETTLES DOWN OVER THEM,

A MOTHER WITH HER INFANT AND EVERYTHING.

I THINK WOMEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO BREAST-FEED IN PUBLIC, TOO.

BUT THEY SHOULD HAVE TO GO AHEAD AND FLOP THE OTHER ONE OUT.

'CAUSE IT'S FRUSTRATINGYOU KNOW, WHEN THAT HEADGETS IN THE WAY AND--

- I WANNA SEE A BOOB. - [LAUGHTER]

A BIG, MILKY, LACTATING-- I DO. AND I'LL SAY THIS.

MAKIN' LOVE TO AN INFLATABLE WOMAN IS A LOT OF FUN...

- [LAUGHTER] - THE FIRST TIME AND--

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S BECAUSE SHE'S STILL A VIRGIN, OR--

IF I'M STILL JUST LIGHT-HEADED FROM BLOWING HER UP.

- I DON'T KNOW.- [LAUGHTER]

IT'S A JOKE. IT'S A JOKE. I REALLY-- I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH AN INFLATABLE WOMAN.

IF I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH AN INANIMATE OBJECT,

I DON'T EVEN WANT IT TO BE WOMAN-SHAPED.

I'VE MADE THE LEAP ATTHIS POINT. I'M GONNA GET WEIRD.

I'D DO IT WITH A BAGOF ORANGES OR SOMETHING.THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.

GET A NICE CITRUS SMELL IN THE AIR.

AND WHEN I'M DONE,I CAN HAVE SOME JUICE, I GUESS.

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST YOU GET SOMETHING FROM A BAG OF ORANGES.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROMA BLOW UP DOLL? NOTHIN'.

JUST THAT DISAPPOINTED LOOK ON HER FACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT LOOK-- WHOEW!

SHE'S LIKE, IS THAT IT?YEAH, THAT'S IT.

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF, AIR WHORE? I GAVE YOU LIFE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GREAT OF A PERSON, YOU KNOW. I'M VAIN, SELFISH. I'M LAZY.

IF YOU TAKE LIKE A LISTOF MY HOBBIES,

AND THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS, THERE'S WAY MORE CROSS OVER

REALLY, THAN I'M COMFORTABLE WITH.

'CAUSE I REALLY LIKE THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS,

SOME OF THEM,I LOVE GLUTTONYAND LUST, SLOTH.

A LITTLE BIT OF WRATH AND ENVY, RIGHT?

ONLY IF I CAN'T GET SOME GLUTTONY, LUST, AND SLOTH.

THOSE AREN'T IN THE BIBLE, SEVEN DEADLY SINS.

YOU CAN LEARN A LOT AT CHURCH.

YOU KNOW? I DON'T-- I DON'T GO TO CHURCH.

BUT SOMETIMES IF I DRIVE BY THE SIGN, I'LL READ IT.

I SAW ONE THE OTHER DAY THAT SAID,

"'STOP, DROP, AND ROLL'DOESN'T WORK IN HELL."

- [LAUGHTER] - WOW.

THOSE BAPTISTS MEAN BUSINESS.

BUT I THINK IF YOU'RE DEAD THEN HELL'LL PRETTY MUCH

ALL THE FIRE SAFETY'SOUT THE WINDOW.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I DON'T REALLY HAVE A CODE THAT I LIVE BY

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.I HAVE A MOTTO, I GUESS,WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD.

AND IF YOU HAVE A MOTTO, I THINK YOU SHOULD ALWAYS TRANSLATE IT INTO LATIN.

[LAUGHS] MINE IS IN LATIN. I'LL TELL IT TO YOU NOW.

IT'S "CARPE DIEMPOST CRASTINUM."

WHICH, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T SPEAK LATIN, MEANS,

"SEIZE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW."

I WANT TO SEIZE THE DAY;BUT NOT TODAY, THE DAY.

SOMEDAY I'LL SEIZE THE DAY. SO A LITTLE LATIN FOR YOU.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET THAT AT A CARROT TOP SHOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO TALKING ABOUT LATIN.

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE USE IT ANYMORE.

CATHOLICS, I GUESS, STILL TALK A LITTLE LATIN.

ARE THERE ANYCATHOLICS HERE TONIGHT?

- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]- REALLY?

WELL, I THINK CATHOLICISM IS FASCINATING.

THERE'S LIKE A REAL RITUALISTIC ASPECT OF IT.

I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT CATHOLICISM FROM THE MOVIES.

LIKE IF THERE'SLIKE A DEMON POSSESSION,

YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES TO CALL.

RIGHT? YOU GUYS ARE LIKE GHOST BUSTERS,

- OR SO THEY REFER-- - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE THAT IN MOVIES, WHEN THEY HAVE CATHOLICS,

IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE IT'S DEMON POSSESSIONS, YOU KNOW,

AND EXORCISMS ANDSTIGMATA, AND ALL THAT--

DOES THAT BOTHER YOU, ALL THIS CREEPY, GORY IMAGERY?

I MEAN, IT'S ALMOST AS CREEPY AS THE REAL CATHOLIC CHURCH.

YOU KNOW, WITH THE PEDOPHILIA AND EVERYTHING.

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK IS CREEPIER,

DEMON POSSESSION OR PEDOPHILIA?

I MEAN, IF YOU WENT TO A RESTAURANT AND THEY WERE

OUT OF EVERYTHING EXCEPT DEMON POSSESSION...

[LAUGHTER]

AND PEDOPHILIA, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU HAVE?

I THINK IF I HAD A CHOICE OF HAVING EITHER A DEMON

- OR A PRIEST INSIDE ME-- - [GROANS AND LAUGHTER]

AH, I THINK I'M GONNAGO FOR THE DEMON. OKAY?

AT LEAST WHEN THE DEMON'S EXORCISED

IT'S CAST BACK INTO HELL, RIGHT,

INSTEAD OF JUST BEING RELOCATED TO ANOTHER PARISH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THAT'S NOTHING. I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED THAT.

SOME PEOPLE-- SOMETIMES THEY HEAR THAT AND THEY THINK,

"WELL, YOU HATE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH."

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. I REALLY DON'T.

I HATE AND AVOIDCATHOLIC PEOPLE.

BUT I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST...

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

I ACTUALLY LIKE CATHOLIC PEOPLE.

I FIND THAT CATHOLICS REALLY KNOW HOW

TO BLOW OFF THEIR RELIGION. WHICH I THINK IS IMPORTANT.

IF YOU ASK SOMEBODY LIKE, WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?

CATHOLIC. REALLY? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO CHURCH?

- NO. - [LAUGHTER]

WHERE DO I SIGN FOR THAT? THAT'S--

AND CATHOLICS ALSO, ARE NOT ANNOYING ABOUT THEIR RELIGION.

I HAVE HAD A CATHOLIC TALKED TO ME ABOUT JESUS...

- [LAUGHTER] - EVER, MAN.

THEY JUST DON'T DO IT. LIKE, WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION?

CATHOLIC. REALLY? WHAT DO YOU GUYS BELIEVE?

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

- THANKS, FATHER. - [LAUGHTER]

MUST BE LATE FOR A FISH FRY.

IT'S NOT TO PICK ON ANYONE RELIGION, YOU KNOW.

NOT WHEN I CAN PICK ON A COUPLE.

ISLAM. ARE YOU GUYS SCARED BY ISLAM?

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT. I DON'T KNOW. SOME PEOPLE ARE SCARED BY IT.

I THINK THAT ISLAM IS--

OH, WELL THEY TELL US THAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ISLAM.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM IN AMERICA. WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ISLAM.

YEAH, GUILTY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND MORMONS AND THEY'RE ALMOST NORMAL.

AND I DON'T KNOWWHY JEHOVAH'S WITNESSESWANT TO KNOCK ON DOORS,

MUCH LESS WHY MUSLIMS WANNA BLOW STUFF UP.

- YOU GUYS INTO THE BIBLE? - Audience Member: YA-WHEW!

ARE YOU REALLY? THAT'S COOL.

I THINK IF YOU'RE INTO IT THAT'S GREAT, YOU KNOW,

BE INTO YOURRELIGION AND EVERYTHING

BUT KNOW WHAT YOU'RETALKING ABOUT, YOU KNOW.YOU CAN'T JUST BE LIKE,

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, HERE'S WHAT I BELIEVE.

LIKE YOU ASK SOMEBODYSOMETHING LIKE,

YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING IN THE BIBLE? YES.

HAVE YOU READ EVERYTHINGIN THE BIBLE? NO.

OKAY, SO YOU BELIEVE THINGSTHAT YOU HAVEN'T READ?

YES, THAT'S RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THE BIBLE'S KIND OF LIKE THOSE LONG DISCLAIMERS THAT YOU SEE

ON THE INTERNET, RIGHT, 'CAUSE NOBODY READS THOSE EITHER.

YOU JUST SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM AND CLICK, "I AGREE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SLEPT ON A LOT OF COUCHES.

THAT'S KIND OFOLD-FASHIONED, ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE SLEEPIN' ON THE COUCH TONIGHT, MISTER.

WHAT? OUT HERE WITH THE CABLE?

[LAUGHTER]

OUT BY THE REFRIGERATOR. THIS SUCKS.

I WANTED TO CUDDLE.

HERE I THINK IS THE REASON THAT MEN AND WOMEN DON'T GET ALONG.

YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S ACTUALLY PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES

IN OUR BRAINS? I MEAN, YOU GUYS PROBABLY ARE AWARE OF THIS, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A BIG SECRET.

WE ALL HAVE EMOTION ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF OUR BRAIN

AND LOGIC ON THE LEFT. AND IN BETWEEN IS THIS

CONNECTIVE MEMBRANE ANDIT'S CALLED THE CORPUS CALLOSUM.

AND WOMEN HAVE A PHYSICALLY LARGER

CORPUS CALLOSUM THAN MEN DO. WHICH MEANS YOU GUYS CAN THINK

WITH YOUR WHOLE BRAINS. WHICH SOUNDS GOOD.

BUT IT'S NOT.BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS

IT CONDUCTS A LOT OFEMOTIONAL INPUT

FOR EVERY LOGICAL DECISION THAT YOU GUYS TRY TO MAKE.

AND THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T JUST PICK A DEODORANT, OR A SHAMPOO,

OR GIVE AN ACCURATETIME ESTIMATE.

OR TELL A STORY THAT'S LESS THAN

AN HOUR AND [BLEEP]-DAMN FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG.

IT'S, YOU KNOW, SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

IT'S NOT JUSTBECAUSE YOU'RE A BITCH. IT'S BECAUSE IT'S--

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]- IT'S SCIENCE.

AND THAT MAKESME FEEL BETTER, REALLY.

YOU KNOW IT GOES BOTH WAYS

MEN HAVE A SMALLERCORPUS CALLOSUM.

OBVIOUSLY, IT'S PUNYAND IT'S UNDERDEVELOPED.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO TURN THE RADIO DOWN IN THE CAR

WHEN WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR STUFF.

- [LAUGHTER] - SO IT'S A TRADEOFF.

WE CAN'T MULTI-TASK. BUT WE'RE SANE.

- AND-- - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I KNOW YOU GUYS ALL GOT READY TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN A WOMAN ASKS ME

SHOULD SHE WEAR THERED ONE OR THE BLUE ONE;

THE SKIRT OR THE JEANS;THE SHOES OR THE BOOTS.

WITH OR WITHOUT THE BELT, IT MAKES ME WANNA

CRAP IN MY HAND... AND THROW IT AT HER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AIN'T LOVE GRAND? AND WE DON'T EVEN HAVE

THE SAME MEANINGS FOR THE SAME WORDS.

WHAT DOES FIVE MINUTES MEAN TO A MAN?

ANYBODY HERE, WHAT DOES FIVE MINUTES MEAN? FIVE MINUTES RIGHT?

WHAT DOES FIVE MINUTESMEAN TO A WOMAN?

IT MEANS, GO STAND BY THE DOOR.

WE'LL LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU'RE FURIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HERE'S A DIFFERENCETHAT I DIDN'T GET FOR

THE LONGEST TIME, TOO. WOMEN, YOU LIKE TO GET

- FLOWERS, RIGHT? TRUE? YES? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT? AND YOU KNOWWE'D SEND 'EM.

BUT WE DON'TUNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL. WE DON'T GET IT.

BECAUSE WE WOULD NEVER WANT TO GET FLOWERS.

SO WE'RE LIKE A RAT PUSHING A BAR TO GET A PELLET,

- AT THIS POINT. - [LAUGHTER]

WE WOULDN'T WANT TO GET 'EM. SO WE DON'T--

WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO GET FLOWERS-- ANY GUY?

WE'D RATHER GET $40 WORTH OF ANYTHING.

- C-BATTERIES. RIGHT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT FOR WOMEN, IT'S FLOWERS. WHERE DO YOU LIKE TO BE,

WHEN YOU GET 'EM? JUST YELL IT OUT.

AT WORK. RIGHT.YEAH. AND WHY?

YEAH, YOU GET 'EM. YOU'RE LIKE, YEAH,

LOOK AT THIS, YOU BITCHES. CHECK THIS OUT HERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOOK AT THIS, YOU BITCHES. I GOT FLOWERS HERE.

THEY SHOULD MAKE A BOUQUET THAT COMES WITH LIKE A TIARA AND A SASH.

[LAUGHING]OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE. WOMEN LOVE FLOWERS, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE THEY'RE PRETTY AND THEY SMELL GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT MEN LOVE? VAGINAS.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THEY'RE PRETTY...

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOWI'M JUST KIDDING AROUND.I'M JUST KIDDING--

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE GROSS OR WEIRD OR ANYTHING.

I'M JUST SAYIN' WOMEN LOVE FLOWERS.

AND FEEL GOOD ABOUTYOUR BODIES, TOO, WOMEN.

YOU KNOW, DON'T START--YOU GET A LITTLE OLDER,

YOU GET A LITTLE INSECURE. YOUR BODIES STILL LOOK GREAT.

I WAS WITH A LADY ONCE--MUCH OLDER THAN ME--

SHE STILL HAD A GREAT BODY, WHICH I LOVE.

GREAT BREASTS. YOU KNOW, NOT LARGE BUT-- YOU KNOW,

- LONG. - [LAUGHTER]

THEY WERE LONG. THEY WERE LIKE FERRETS, ACTUALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY WERE LONG WITH LITTLE WHISKERS ON THE END, YOU KNOW?

SHE TOOK OFF HER SHIRT. I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO DO

FOREPLAY OR MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS, YOU KNOW. THERE'S A LOT YOU CAN DO.

HEY, THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.YOU'RE FANTASTIC.

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