Non-Denominational Christmas Special

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 11/24/2014

A lonely father and his estranged son discover an Advent calendar full of Comedy Central stars and surprise guests.

>> AND THAT WASTHE BOOK OF CREDITS.

>> THAT SEEMED KIND OFPOINTLESS.

>> OH, BUCK UP, YOUNG MAN.

YOU GET TO SPENDTHE ENTIRE HOLIDAY WEEKEND

WITH YOUR OLD MAN.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOURHOT CHOCOLATE AND MARSHMALLOWS?

>> THIS IS JUST COLD COFFEEWITH A SUGAR CUBE.

CAN I OPEN MY PRESENTSOR SOMETHING?

>> UH, SURE.

>> DID YOU EVEN GET MEA PRESENT?

MOM'S FRIEND KYLEGOT ME A PRESENT.

>> KYLE?

WELL, I MOST CERTAINLY DID.

AND I'M GONNA TELL YOURIGHT NOW,

IT'S WAY BETTER THAN ANYTHING"KYLE" GOT YOU.

IT'S WAY BETTER THAN ANYTHING"KYLE" GOT YOU.

[blows air forcefully][coughs]

COMEDY CENTRAL ADVENT CALENDAR?

WHERE THE HELLDID THIS COME FROM?

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUDDY.

>> ADVENT CALENDAR?

I ALREADY HAVE A CALENDARON MY PHONE.

>> YEAH, YEAH,BUT THIS IS

A REALLY SPECIAL CALENDAR.

BEHIND EVERY ONE OF THESE DOORSIS SOMETHING REALLY NEAT,

AND YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSEDTO OPEN ONE DOOR

FOR EVERY DAY OF THE HOLIDAYS,BUT WHAT THE HECK?

WE'RE ONLY TOGETHERFOR THIS WEEKEND.

LET'S GO TO TOWN!

LET'S OPEN ALL THE DOORS!

JUST YOU AND ME, TOGETHER.

>> OKAY, FINE.

BUT AFTER,WILL YOU PUT ON SOME PANTS?

>> UH, SURE.

>> [slurring] AND THAT'SWHAT I THINK OF ALL OF YOU!

>> [bleep] YOU, BENNIE.

YOU'RE A [bleep] MONSTER.

GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

GET OUT OF OUR LIVES.

GET THE [bleep] OUT OF HERE!

>> OH, OH-->> GO! GO!

>> OKAY, OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS RUINEDBY THIS GUY.

>> GET OUT OF MY LIFE!

>> SAY GOOD-BYE TO THE DRUNKGUY!

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, BENNIE.

[door slams]>> SEEMS LIKE I RUIN

EVERY CHRISTMASWITH MY DRUNKEN ANTICS.

[bottle shatters]I WISH...

I HAD NEVER GOTTEN DRUNK.

I WISH...

I WISH I WAS SOBER.

>> HEY, BENNIE.

[light switch clicking]>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> I'M YOUR GUARDIAN ANGELFRIEND,

AND I'M HERE TO SHOW YOUWHAT YOUR CHRISTMAS

WOULD'VE BEEN LIKEIF YOU'D NEVER GOTTEN DRUNK.

COME WITH ME.

WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?

>> AREN'T WE GONNA FLYOR SOMETHING LIKE MAGIC?

>> JUST STAY STILL,AND THEN AN EDITOR WILL CUT,

AND WE'LL BEIN THE NEXT SCENE.

>> OKAY.

>> [bleep] DRUNK.

>> OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S ME!

>> WELL, SOBER YOU.

LOOK HOW NICE YOU LOOK,AND LISTEN TO HOW WELL-SPOKEN

YOU ARE.

>> I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE,YOUR FAMILY SUCKS.

EXCEPT FOR THAT YOUNGER,HOTTER VERSION OF YOU.

>> MY SISTER?

>> YEAH.

THAT'S A CHRISTMAS BOXI WOULD LIKE TO UNWRAP.

>> OH, JESUS CHRIST.

>> HIGH FIVE!

>> THAT IS DEFINITELY SOBER YOU,BUT WHY ARE YOU ACTING

LIKE THAT?

>> WELL, YOU TELL ME.

YOU'RE MY GUARDIANOF THE GALAXY.

>> THAT IS NO WAY TO TALKTO YOUR GIRLFRIEND...

>> OH!

>> ESPECIALLY AFTER SHE HADTO PAY FOR YOUR GAMBLING DEBT.

>> WHY?

>> BITE ME, MOM!

I'M SOBER AS A STONE,AND I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

>> OH!

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I-I THOUGHT THIS WOULD WORK.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD SEE YOURSELFAND HAVE SOME SORT

OF REALIZATIONTHAT YOU'RE BETTER SOBER,

BUT I GUESSYOU'RE JUST AN ASSHOLE.

MY BAD.

LET'S GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM.

THIS PARTY'S DEAD ANYWAY.

>> GUESS YOU'RE NOT GOINGTO GET

YOUR LEGEND OF GA'HOOLE WINGSNOW, GUARDIAN.

>> WAIT A SECOND.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

I THINK I GOT IT.

I KNOW WHAT THE ISSUE IS.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE.

>> BELIEVE IN WHAT?

>> [scoffs]IF YOU GOT A MIRROR,

WALK TOWARDS IT, KID.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

>> all: AWW.

[bell jingling]>> GRANDMA SAYS

EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS,AN ANGEL GETS ITS WINGS!

>> ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO DO, LIKE,A WHOLE STANDARDIZED TESTING

FOR--IT--IT DOESN'T MATTER.

>> YOU KNOWWHAT I LEARNED TONIGHT?

I'M GOING TO BE LESSOF AN ASSHOLE

BUT I'M STILL GONNA GET DRUNK.

>> UH, I'M NOT SURE HOW WE'RESUPPOSED TO REACT TO THAT ONE.

LET'S JUST OPEN THE NEXT ONE.

>> all: ♪ WE THREE KINGS... >> [mumbling]

>> ♪ WHOA, WHOA, I'M LIKE,DAMN, SHE HAD BO-BOS ♪

♪ AND THEY WAS BOUNCING,JIGGLING ♪

♪ AND I'M LIKE,YOU LIKE ME TOO? ♪

>> [booming voice]STOP SINGING!

>> WHY-->> WAIT. GOD'S TALKING.

>> THE KING OF KINGSHAS BEEN BORN IN BETHLEHEM.

YOU MUST TRAVEL AFAR,THROUGH FIELD AND FOUNTAIN,

MOOR AND MOUNTAIN TO SEE HIM.

>> OKAY, WELL, YOU KIND OFINTERRUPTED HIS RAP.

>> THANK YOU FOR THAT.

>> SO THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.

WHAT THE HELLIS GOD TALKING ABOUT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

DOES THAT HAVE TO BE US?

WE'RE KIND OF BUSY.

>> [chuckles]>> YES.

JUST FOLLOW YONDER STAR.

>> OH.

OH, YEAH,WHAT A BEAUTIFUL STAR IT IS.

IT'S DAY, DUDE.

WE CAN'T SEE STARS.

>> AND ALSO, HOW FAR IS "AFAR"?

YOU'RE NOT BEING VERY SPECIFIC!

AND ALSO, FOLLOW-UP QUESTION:IS THERE A PANDA EXPRESS

ON THE WAY?

DUDE, I GOTS TO GETTHAT ORANGE CHICKEN.

>> GUYS, I HATE TO BETHE BEARER OF BAD NEWS,

BUT AFAR IS ABOUT, UH--IT'S A FEW DAYS',

IF NOT A FEW WEEKS', WALK.

YO, WE NEED TO GET A RIDE.

>> WHERE'D YOU GETTHIS WEIRD-LOOKING HORSE, DUDE?

>> UH, ACTUALLY, ADAM,THIS WEIRD HORSE

TURNS OUT TO BE A CAMEL.

I'VE BEEN DOING SOMECAMEL SHEPHERDING ON THE SIDE.

>> WHY'D YOU WRITE "RAPE"ON THE SIDE OF YOUR CAMEL?

>> OH, DUDE, I WAS TRYINGTO WRITE "REPENT,"

BUT I RAN OUT OF ROOM.

IT'S--IT'S A BIBLE WORD.

>> OH, THAT'S SMART.

THE ROOT WORD OF "REPENT"IS "RAPE."

>> THAT'S TRUE.

WISE MAN OVER HERE.

>> I'M A WISE MAN.

>> GOOD CALL.

>> VERY COOL.

>> WELL, I'M GONNA CALL SHOTGUN,IF THAT'S COOL.

'CAUSE YOU GUYSDIDN'T CALL IT, SO--SHOTGUN!

>> HANG ON A SECOND, DUDE.

BEFORE YOU GET ON A CAMEL,YOU ALWAYS WANT TO CHECK OUT

HOW SMALL HIS PENIS IS.

OH, HE'S PEEING.

[laughter]>> OH, WHY IS IT SO SMALL?

>> CRAZY, RIGHT?

>> BUT WHY IS IT SO SMALL?

THAT IS INCREDIBLE.

LOOK AT IT.

>> HOW DID I NOT KNOWTHAT IT WAS SO SMALL?

>> IT LOOKS LIKE A NIPPLE.

>> OH, MAN.

>> WOW.

IS THAT THE WHOLE THING,OR DID IT GET CAUGHT IN,

LIKE, SOME KIND OF AN ACCIDENT?

>> NO, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S ITS WHOLE DICK.

>> I FEEL LIKE ON A BIG DAY,I WOULD BEAT THAT ONE.

>> WITH THE DESERT HEAT?

YEAH, YOU HANG LOW.

>> YEAH.

I DO HAVE A REAL DROOPY DOG.

[thunder booms]>> HURRY UP.

THE SON OF GOD HAS BEEN BORN.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALREADY!

WE'RE JUST LAUGHINGAT YOUR JOKE.

>> ALL RIGHT, WELL,I'M GONNA GET ON THIS GUY.

YOU READY?

HEY, DID YOU GUYS GRABTHE FRANKINCENSE?

OKAY, HOW DO YOU-->> IS THERE A STEP OR SOMETHING?

[camel grunts]>> WHOA.

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU PUTA STEP ON THESE THINGS?

[camel grunts]>> OH!

>> OOH.

>> THE [bleep] ARE YOU GUYSDOING UP THERE?

ARE YOU GUYS RIDINGTHE HOUSE?

>> UH, WE'RE JUST TALKING.

>> YEAH.

NORMAL ROOF STUFF.

>> WE'RE REALLY HIGH.

[laughs]WE'RE REALLY HIGH RIGHT NOW.

>> CAN'T FEEL MY FACE.

>> OH, MAN...

>> THOUGHT WE WERE ON A CAMEL...

>> [laughs]>> FOR A SECOND.

>> YEAH.

[thunder booms]>> I WISH I HAD NEVER

CREATED WEED.

PSYCH!

>> HAPPY HOLIDAYSTO YOU AND YOURS.

>> YEAH.

>> WOW, THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

>> HEY, LISTEN.

I KNOW THAT THOSE THREE WISE MENLOOKED LIKE THEY WERE HAVING FUN

WITH THAT WACKY TOBACKY,BUT DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT JUNK.

>> DON'T YOU HAVE POTIN YOUR BEDROOM?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I CAN DIAGNOSE YOUWITH A VERY SERIOUS CASE

OF NOSINESS.

[laughs]SERIOUSLY,

DON'T GO INTO MY ROOM.

>> PEOPLE ARE GETTING DATESON THESE PHONES NOW.

TENDER.

[clears throat]FIND TENDER.

FIND THE APPLICATION TENDER.

UH, APPLICATION LOVE FINDERS,TRISTATE AREA,

SOMEONE OVER 40--OVER 30.

>> LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA SNOW.

>> WHOA!

NOTHING. WHAT?

I WAS, UH, CHECKING THE TIME.

>> WANT TO OPEN ANOTHER SQUARE?

>> YEAH, LET'S OPENANOTHER SQUARE.

COME ON!

>> 'TWAS THE NIGHTBEFORE CANADIAN CHRISTMAS,

AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE...

>> NOTHING WAS STIRRING,NOT EVEN A CANADIAN MOUSE.

>> HOW YOU DOIN'?

I'M GENE CREEMERS.

YOU MAY KNOW MEFROM WHEELS, ONTARIO,

SHOW US YOUR SONGS TORONTO,CANADIAN ACTOR.

>> AND I'M BRYAN LA CROIX,MIKEY ON THE TEEN DRAMA

WHEELS, ONTARIO,AS WELL AS TEEN POP SENSATION.

>> YEAH, WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOUDO.

>> NOW, WHEREAS IN THE STATES,YOU ONLY CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

FOR ONE DAY,IN CANADA, WE CELEBRATE IT FROM

25 NOVEMBER UNTIL HALF JANUARY.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, BRYAN.

IT'S ONE OF THE TOP 15 HOLIDAYSOF THE WINTER SEASON.

>> AND IN THE STATES,ONLY CHRISTIANS

ARE ALLOWEDTO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.

BUT IN CANADA, WE INVITEEVEN OUR JEWISH BRETHREN,

WHO LIGHT THEIR WHALE-BLUBBERLANTERNS FOR 85 DAYS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT,OR EVEN IF YOU'RE ONE

OF THESE SUPER-TALL AFRICAN GUYSIN YOUR DASHIKI SWEATER

CELEBRATING KWANZAA.

>> EVERYONE IN CANADA IS WELCOMETO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.

CANADIAN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONSARE AS VARIED

AS THE ROOT VEGETABLE.

>> AND WHEN I FEELTHAT NIP IN THE AIR,

IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO PUT ONMY TUQUE AND LUMBER JACKETS

AND HEAD OUT TO THE NORTH FORESTTO HARVEST MAPLE PLACK.

>> AND ONCE YOU'RE OUTIN THE FOREST,

YOU CAN TELL THE GREAT TALESOF SAINT TIMOTHY HORTON.

MY FAVORITE IS THE ONEWHERE HE DELIVERED

ALL THOSE FISH BONUT CRUMBLESTO THE NEEDY CHILDREN

OF THE YUKON.

>> AH, NOTHING MAKESTHE CHRIST CHILD BLUSH

LIKE SOME FISH BONUT CRUMBLES.

>> AND LEST WE FORGETOUR MOST IMPORTANT

CANADIAN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONOF ALL,

SAYING OUR SORRIES.

>> YUP.

>> GENE, I'M SORRY FOR SAYINGTHAT YOU'RE AN OLD CROTCHETY MAN

BEHIND YOUR BACK.

>> I'D LIKE TO SAY I'M SORRYTO MY HUSBAND, HUGH.

I CHEATED ON YOUAT THE MICHAEL BUBLE CONCERT

AT THE PANTAGES.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

>> BUT THOSE WHO WE OWEOUR MOST PARDONS TO

ARE OUR FIRST NATIONSPOPULATION.

SORRY.

>> SORRY TO THE FIRST NATIONSPEOPLES.

>> PARDON FOR STEALING LACROSSE.

CANADIAN CHRISTMASIS ALL ABOUT TOGETHERNESS.

>> AND ON 2 DECEMBER, WE ALLGATHER TOGETHER AS A FAMILY

TO OPEN THE PRESENTS PERE NOEL'SLEFT IN OUR CHRISTMAS GALOSHES.

>> OOH, I'M PRAYINGTO SAINT TIMOTHY HORTONS

FOR EXTRA-WET POUTINE CANDIESIN MINE.

>> AND LET'S NOT FORGETABOUT THE TASTIEST TRADITION,

THE CANADIAN CHRISTMAS BUNDT.

>> CAN I SYRUP THE BUNDT?

>> WELL, YOU'RE THE THIRD BORN,AREN'T YOU?

>> AND REMEMBER,THROW THE FIRST ONE AWAY

LEST THE CHRIST CHILDTHINK YOU VAIN.

>> WHEREAS IN THE STATESOR IN THE EUROZONE,

YOU'RE PROBABLY FINDINGYOUR FANCIEST BAUBLES

TO EXCHANGETO PROVE HOW RICH YOU ARE...

>> BUT IN CANADA,WE GIVE EACH OTHER

HUMBLE PRESENTSSO AS TO AVOID EMBARRASSMENT.

SO, GENE, I'M SORRY TO DO THIS,BUT CAN I GIVE YOU A GIFT?

HERE IT IS.

IT'S A PAIR OF DAMP SOCKSTHAT WILL DRY REAL SLOWLY.

>> OH. LOOK AT THAT.

THEY LOOK LIKETHEY DON'T EVEN FIT THERE.

NOW, TO YOU, A NICE SQUARE PLATEOF SAUCELESS PASTA, NO SALT.

>> WHOA, SAUCELESS PASTA,EXTRA BLAND?

FANTASTIC!

BOY, OH, BOY,IT'S BEEN SO AMAZING

TO SHARE THIS TIME WITH YOUAND TELL AMERICANS

ABOUT CANADIAN CHRISTMAS.

>> YEAH, AND I WANT TO WISHYOU AND YOURS

A FINE CANADIAN CHRISTMAS.

>> AND ALL PRAISE BETO SAINT TIMOTHY HORTON

AND MY BRYANTOLOGISTS.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

PRAISE BE TO PERE NOEL,ALL RIGHT.

HE'S FATHER CHRISTMAS,AND WE WORSHIP HIM LIKE A GOD.

>> both:HAPPY CANADIAN CHRISTMAS.

>> THEN.

[both speaking indistinctly]>> IS PERE NOEL LIKE SANTA?

>> [laughs]NO, SON.

NOTHING'S AS GOOD IN CANADAAS IT IS HERE.

LET'S OPEN ANOTHER DOOR.

>> HO, HO, HO.

[humming]OH, JESUS CHRIST, NOT NOW.

[both gasp]JIMMY, BOBBY, GET DOWN HERE!

PLEASE!

>> WHAT'S WRONG, SANTA?

>> DIABETIC SHOCK.

>> [stammering]>> REACH INTO MY POCKET.

OTHER POCKET.

JAM IT IN SANTA'S CHEST.

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT'S THE HOLDUP, CLAUS?

WE GOT--OH, SHIT, NOT AGAIN.

>> OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU...

>> PRANCER, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S ME, PRANCER,EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE

[bleep] REINDEER, RIGHT?

AND THIS IS SANTA CLAUS.

AND UNLESS YOU JAMTHAT INSULIN NEEDLE

INTO HIS FAT [bleep] CHEST,CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED FOREVER.

OH, SHIT, WE'RE LOSING HIM.

KID, COME ON!

I'D DO IT MYSELF,BUT I HAVE HOOVES.

>> BUT--BUT-->> BUT--BUT--BUT--

BUT NOTHING.

DO IT!

>> DO IT, JIMMY.

SAVE CHRISTMAS.

>> DO IT, JIMMY.

>> FINE, OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

>> WOW!

>> YES, THERE WE GO!

>> JESUS.

THANK YOU, BOYS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, I GUESS.

YOU WERE VERY NICE THIS YEAR,NOT NAUGHTY.

HO, HO, HO!

>> NO MORE COOKIES, DUDE,SERIOUSLY.

>> HO, HO, HO!

I KNOW. I KNOW.

>> OH, DO YOU?

FAT [bleep].

[both whimpering]>> BOY, CARTOONS

SURE HAVE CHANGED A LOTSINCE I WAS A KID.

>> WHAT WAS DIFFERENT ABOUTTHEM?

>> WELL, NO SWEARING,FOR ONE THING,

UNLESS YOU WERE FRITZ THE CAT.

[laughs]FRITZ THE CAT.

>> WHO'S SHE?

>> THAT'S NOTHING.

IT'S A REINDEERDRESSED AS A LADY.

[whispering]GET OUT OF HERE.

REINDEER'S GONE.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE OPEN UPANOTHER ONE OF THESE, HUH?

>> HI, I'M NATHAN FIELDER.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLETHINK CHRISTMAS

IS ALL ABOUT GIVING GIFTS,BUT I BELIEVE THE TRUE MEANING

IS SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT.

FOR ME, CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT LOVE.

♪ WISE MEN SAY ♪ ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN

♪ WISE MEN SAY ♪ ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN

♪ BUT I CAN'T HELP ♪ FALLING IN LOVE

♪ WITH YOU ♪ LIKE THE RIVER FLOWS

♪ SURELY TO THE SEA ♪ DARLING, SO IT GOES

♪ SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE♪

>> ♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪ TAKE MY WHOLE LIFE TOO

♪ FOR I CAN'T HELP ♪ FALLING IN LOVE

♪ WITH YOU ♪ LIKE THE RIVER GOES

♪ SURELY TO THE SEA ♪ DARLING, HOW IT GOES

♪ SOME THINGS ♪ ARE MEANT TO BE

♪ OH >> both:

♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪ TAKE MY WHOLE LIFE TOO

♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪ TAKE MY WHOLE LIFE TOO

♪ 'CAUSE I CAN'T HELP ♪ FALLING IN LOVE

♪ WITH YOU ♪ OH, I CAN'T HELP

♪ FALLING IN LOVE ♪ WITH YOU

>> WAS THAT REAL,OR WAS THAT ACTING AT THE END?

>> ACTING.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

THAT WAS GOOD, I WAS SAYING.

THAT WAS--YEAH, I WAS ACTING TOO.

WE WERE BOTH--YEAH.

GOOD--YOU'RE VERY GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

>> HEY, HEY, KIDDO,TIME FOR MORE ADVENT CALENDAR.

"BOY, THAT'S FUN.

I LOVE SPENDING TIMEWITH OLD POPS."

HELLO, GROUND CONTROLTO MAJOR TOM.

LET'S SPEND SOME TIMEWITH YOUR OLD MAN.

>> OKAY, FINE.

LET'S OPEN THIS DOOR, KWANZAA.

>> KWANZAA?

>> KWANZAA IS ANAFRICAN-AMERICAN

HOLIDAY.

YOU SHOULD WATCH THIS, DAD.

MAYBE YOU'LL LEARN SOMETHING.

>> 'SUP? 'SUP?

MY NAME IS VANDAVEON HUGGINS.

MY BOY MIKE TAYLOR RIGHT HERE.

>> 'SUP?

>> WE HAVE OUR OWN INTERWEB SHOWWHERE WE LIKE

TO MAKE MOVIES FUNNIER.

WE LIKE TO DO SOME PUNCH-UPSON 'EM AND WHATNOT.

YOU KNOW, WE FIGURED IT'STHE HOLIDAY SEASON AND WHATNOT,

AND US BEING AFRICAN-AMERICANS,THAT WHAT WE WOULD DO

IS TALK ABOUT KWANZAA.

BUT I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO YOU,MAN.

NEITHER OF US KNOWS SHITABOUT KWANZAA.

>> SOUNDS LIKE--SOUNDS LIKE--SOUNDS LIKE A NINJA WEAPON.

>> IT DO--SAY IT. SAY IT.

GO AHEAD. TELL 'EM.

YEAH.

>> NAH, YOU.

>> NO, TELL 'EM--GO AHEAD.

TELL 'EM, MAN.

>> OH, IT'S--THAT'S YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ON CAMERA.

>> BUT I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU SAID.

>> I AIN'T TRYINGTO BE ON CAMERA.

TIME FOR CHRISTMAS MOVIES.

>> LIKE, MY AUNTIE SABRINA,SHE BE WATCHING

A CHRISTMAS STORYWITH THE LITTLE WHITE BOYS.

AND MY FAVORITE PARTIS WHEN THEM MOTHER[bleep] DOGS

JUST BE RUNNING THROUGHTHE HOUSE JUST KNOCKING--

[barking]>> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY

SHOULD HAVE DONE?

>> WHAT?

>> HAD THEM DOGSBITE THAT DUDE'S DICK.

>> OH, THAT WOULD HAVE BEENMY SHIT.

THE DAD SHOULD HAVE COME UPIN THE DINING ROOM

TALKING ABOUT, "OH, THESE DOGS,OH, THESE DOGS,"

AND THE DOGS SHOULD HAVE BEEN,"AROO!" [chomp]

AND JUST BIT THAT [bleep]IN THE DICK.

[both laughing]WHY'S THAT NOT IN THE MOVIE?

NEXT ONE.

>> HOME ALONE.

>> HOME ALONE.

MIKE, YOU--YOU IN THE POCKET NOW, MAN.

MY BOY LITTLE MACAULAY CULKINS,TALKING ABOUT...

>> THAT'S YOUR OPPORTUNITYRIGHT THERE.

DON'T EVEN TELL 'EMWHAT TO DO WITH THAT.

DON'T EVEN TELL 'EM.

THEY GOT TO FIGURETHAT ONE OUT THEMSELVES,

'CAUSE IF THEY DON'T KNOW--IF THEY DON'T KNOW,

THEY'RE NEVER GONNA KNOW.

>> I'M ABOUT TO DO A SPEED ROUNDWITH MIKE RIGHT NOW.

YOU AIN'T EVEN GONNA BELIEVEWHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN

RIGHT HERE.

WATCH THIS.

RETURN OF THE JEDI.

>> RETURN OF THE DICKS.

>> INDIANA JONESAND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.

>> INDIANA BONESAND THE TEMPLE OF BALLS.

>> GONE WITH THE WIND.

>> GONE WITH THE FART.

>> STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.

>> STREETDICK NAMED DEFIRE.

>> EASY RIDER.

>> EASY DICKDER.

>> HEAVEN'S GATE.

>> DICK...'S GATE.

>> EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

>> EMPIRE STRIKESON THE BACK OF MY DICK.

>> JOHN WICK.

>> UH...

>> AND HOW AM I STUMPING YOUWITH THAT ONE?

ONE THAT ISFOR EVERYBODY INVOLVED

AND THE KIDS DO NEED TO SEE ITIS JINGLE ALL THE WAY,

'CAUSE THAT'S A CAUTIONARY TALE.

BUT THAT MOVIE HAS GOTTWO OF THE GREATEST ACTORS

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFEIN ONE MOVIE:

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER...

>> AND...

>> AND...

>> both: SINBAD.

>> GHOST.

>> REMEMBER TONY GOLDWYNWAS UP IN THERE?

>> STRAIGHT UP.

>> TONY GOLDWYN, MAN.

STRAIGHT-UP ON SCANDAL NOW.

>> WORST FRIEND IMAGINABLE.

>> EVER.

>> HOW YOU GONNA [bleep] MYGIRL,

BRO?

>> AFTER I'M DEAD.

>> NOT ON CHRISTMAS, BRO.

>> DON'T DO IT ON CHRISTMAS,MAN.

NOT ON CHRISTMAS, MAN.

WHY YOU DOING THAT, MAN?

CAN'T BE KILLING SAM.

[bleep] KILLED SAM.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOURCHRISTMAS PRESENT WAS,

MOTHER[bleep].

GOT DRAGGEDBY SOME BLACK DEMONS,

SOME SHADOW DEMONS.

>> WHY THEY HAD TO BE BLACK TOO?

YOU KNOW WHO I NEVER TRUST?

>> WHO?

>> LITTLE PERCYFROM THE GREEN MILE.

>> THIS [bleep].

>> THIS [bleep]NEED TO TAKE A WALK.

>> HATE THAT--HE NEED TO TAKEA WALK DOWN THE GREEN MILE.

THAT'S WHAT HE NEED TO DO.

>> UH, JOHN COFFEY,JESUS CHRIST ALLEGORY.

>> MM-HMM, THAT'S RIGHT.

>> SANTA CLAUS.

>> TOUCHING PEOPLE,HEALING PEOPLE.

MY MAN JUST--MY MAN HEALED TOM HANKS' DICK.

SO THERE'S A DICK IN THAT ONE.

>> THAT'S A PERFECT MOVIE.

THAT'S A PERFECTCHRISTMAS MOVIE.

>> PERFECT CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

>> PERFECT CHRISTMAS-->> PERFECT CHRISTMAS MOVIE.

NUMBER ONE ON THE LIST:GREEN MILE.

HEALED A [bleep]WITH HIS DICK.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU,EVERYBODY, MAN.

SO THIS IS VANDAVEON HUGGINS.

THAT'S MIKE.

HOPE THIS HAS BEEN USEFULTO EVERYBODY.

SO YOU GOT A NICE BIG LIST NOWOF HOLIDAY MOVIES

THAT YOU CAN WATCH.

WE SIGNING OFF.

GOOD NIGHT, MERRY CHRISTMAS,AND MAY THE MISTLETOE

BE KIND TO YOU.

>> EBENEZER SPLOOGE.

>> HEY, NOT BAD, HUH?

LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE.

[cheers and applause]>> WELCOME TO THIS VERY SPECIAL

CHRISTMAS EVE MINI-SODEOF @MIDNIGHT.

I AM YOUR HOST, CHRIS HARDWICK.

SO IN HONOR OF THE HOLIDAY,MY NOM DE PLUME

IS NOW CHRIST HARDWICK.

BE SURE TO TWEET MEYOUR ANGRY REPLIES.

I LOOK FORWARD TO THOSE.

TONIGHT'S PANEL CONSISTSOF THREE MALL SANTAS.

HOW'S IT GOING, GUYS?

[cheers and applause]>> I TOTALED MY PONTIAC SUNFIRE.

>> OH, SORRY.

>> CHRISTMASIS A HOLIDAY INVENTED

BY THE WHITE MANTO KEEP THE BLACK MAN DOWN.

>> YEAH.

>> MY WIFE LEFT ME FOR AYOUNGER,

MORE FERTILE MAN.

>> YOU GUYSARE IN VERY POOR SHAPE.

BUT LET'S NOT DWELL ON THAT.

LET'S GET INTO TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[cheers and applause]NOW, SINCE IT IS

THE YULETIDE SEASON,TONIGHT'S HOLIDAY-THEMED HASHTAG

IS RUIN A CHRISTMAS CAROL.

RUIN A CHRISTMAS CAROL.

EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT INCLUDE"DICK THE HALLS"

OR "I'M DREAMINGOF A WHITES-ONLY CHRISTMAS."

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK STARTING NOW.

AND BEGIN.

YES.

>> "I SAW MOMMYFISTING SANTA CLAUS."

>> PERFECT.

POINTS.

BRIAN.

>> "I SAW MOMMYFELCHING SANTA CLAUS."

>> POINTS.

AISHA.

>> "DECK THE HALLSWITH BOUGHS OF FECES."

>> POINTS.

OR WOULD THOSE COMEFROM THE BOWELS OF HOLLY?

>> INDEED.

>> YEAH, STEVE.

>> "O LITTLE TOWNOF BETHLEHEM, PENNSYLVANIA,

IS ROCKED BY A MALL SHOOTING."

>> POINTS.

GOD DAMN IT.

YES, BRIAN.

>> "I SAW MOMMYBLUMPKINING SANTA CLAUS."

>> SO HE MADE IT ALL THE WAYINTO THE BATHROOM.

YEAH.

I MEAN, SANTA'S BEEN EATINGALL THOSE COOKIES.

>> MOMMY'S KIND OF A WHORE.

>> POINTS.

YES, STEVE.

>> "BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE'CAUSE WE'RE HOMELESS."

>> YEAH, POINTS.

AISHA.

>> "IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHTCLEAR

AND MURDERED MY ENTIRE FAMILYIN THEIR BEDS."

>> POINTS.

STEVE.

>> "SILENT NIGHT BECAUSE ZOMBIESARE ROAMING THE STREETS

AND THEY'RE ATTRACTED TO SOUND."

>> POINTS.

THAT'S TRUE.

LAST ONE. AISHA.

>> UH, "RUDOLPHTHE RED-NOSED REINDEER

HAS A DEVIATED SEPTUMFROM TOO MUCH COCAINE."

>> POINTS.

YES, OF COURSE.

BUT THAT'S HOW HE'S ABLETO LEAD THE PACK.

IN TOTALING UP THE POINTS,I SEE THAT IT'S A COMPLETE TIE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ACROSS THE BOARD.

A VERY SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT.

YOUR CHRISTMAS PRIZEIS A RIDE HOME.

>> CAN YOU, UH, DROP ME OFFAT THE MEN'S SHELTER?

OR THE WOMEN'S SHELTER.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

>> UH, NO, I DON'T WANT YOUTO SMELL UP MY JAGUAR.

I'M @NERDIST ON THE INSTAGRAMSAND THE TWEETS.

AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALLAND TO ALL A GOOD @MIDNIGHT.

>> IT'S LIEUTENANT JIM DANGLE

AND...

>> DEPUTY TRAVIS JUNIOR.

>> both: AND WE'RE YOURSHERIFFS ON A SHELF.

>> WE SEE YOUWHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING.

>> WE KNOWWHEN YOU'RE DOING METH.

TRAVIS, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITEPART OF THE HOLIDAYS?

IS IT TRIMMING THE TREE?

IS IT OPENING PRESENTS?

>> IT'S PROBABLY DOINGTHESE MANDATORY PSAs

FOR THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

>> I'VE BEEN ON TRUCKER SPEEDFOR THREE DAYS.

>> [sniffs]>> I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN THREE

DAYS.

>> THAT STUFF GIVES ME THE RUNS.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITEPART

OF THE HOLIDAYS IS, TRAVIS?

>> MM.

>> IT'S ALL THE OVERTIMETHAT WE MAKE

FROM THE PLETHORA OF EMERGENCIESTHAT HAPPEN DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

>> AND SINCE 30% OF ALLACCIDENTS

HAPPEN AT HOME,IF YOU'RE HOME

FOR THE HOLIDAYS,YOU'RE TOTALLY [bleep].

>> CAN YOU GONNA PUT A THING IN?

NO?

BUT THERE AREA FEW THINGS YOU CAN DO

TO MAKE YOUR HOLIDAYSA WHOLE LOT SAFER.

DON'T FOLLOW US.

>> EVERY YEAR, THOUSANDSAND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

ARE ELECTROCUTED,IMPALED ON MENORAHS,

OR SHOOT A FAMILY MEMBEROVER WHICH WAY THE STAR

SHOULD GO ON TOP OF THE TREEJUST 'CAUSE THEY'VE BEEN

DRINKING EGGNOG SINCE 8:00 A.M.

>> GET THE DECORATING DONE,AND THEN BREAK OUT

THE CHARDON-ON-AY.

>> DON'T LICK THE--DON'T--

>> I WAS JUST SEEINGIF IT'S TRUE.

>> DON'T LICK--WHAT'S TRUE?

>> WOW.

HOW MANY TIMESDO WE HAVE TO SAY IT?

DON'T SHOOT YOUR GUNS IN THE AIRTO CELEBRATE NEW YEAR'S EVE.

DON'T SHOOT YOUR [bleep] GUNIN THE AIR

TO CELEBRATE A QUINCEAÑERA.

DON'T SHOOT YOUR [bleep] GUNIN THE AIR

TO CELEBRATE THE FACT THAT YOUJUST BOUGHT A [bleep] GUN.

IN FACT, UNLESS YOU AREIN THE JIHAD

AND JUST TOOK OVERA SUBURB OF MOSUL,

THERE IS NO REASON WHATSOEVERTO EVER SHOOT YOUR GUNS

IN THE AIR.

>> both: WHOA!

>> I CAN'T TELL YOUHOW MANY CHRISTMAS EVES

WE'VE SPENT WITH A JACKHAMMERPULLING SOME DUMB

DEAD SON OF A BITCHOUT OF A CHIMNEY

WITH A BROKEN NECK.

>> THE FLUE OF A CHIMNEYJUST BARELY LETS SMOKE OUT.

HOW, PRECISELY,ARE YOU GOING TO FIT, GENIUS?

>> IT MAY SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEAAT THE TIME, BUT ONE SLIP...

>> both: WHOA!

>> AND YOU'RE GONNA LEAVEYOUR KIDS

WITH A PLUGGED-UP CHIMNEY,A DEAD DAD,

AND SOME SERIOUSLY [bleep]-UPCHRISTMAS MEMORIES.

>> LIKE THAT LITTLE GIRLFROM GREMLINS.

>> PHOEBE CATES.

>> MRS. KEVIN KLINE.

>> MRS.--NO.

>> YEAH.

>> SHE'S MARRIED TO KEVIN KLINE?

>> YEP.

>> I THOUGHT HE WAS, UH-->> MM-MM.

>> HE'S NOT A-->> TRUST ME.

I KNOW.

THE PROBLEM AT THE HOLIDAYSIS THAT EVERYBODY STARTS HITTING

THE EGGNOG,AND THEN THEY START HITTING

EACH OTHER.

THEY HIT THE KIDS.

THEY START HITTING GRANDMA.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,THEY'RE BURYING GRANDMA

IN THE BACKYARD.

>> HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

>> IF YOU'RE GONNA BURY GRANDMAIN THE BACKYARD,

THROW SOME RAW COFFEE BEANS...

>> YEAH.

>> IN WITH THE CORPSE.

>> DOUBLE BAG.

>> DOUBLE BAG IT.

>> TIE IT GOOD.

>> K-9 DOESN'T KNOW.

>> LITTLE BIT OF COYOTE URINEIN THERE

TO KEEP THE RACCOONS OUT.

CAUSE RACCOONS, NUMBER ONEFRIEND TO LAW ENFORCEMENT.

>> THE SILENT ALLY.

ANYWAY...

>> HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

>> HAPPY GENERIC HOLIDAYSFROM THE RENO

SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

>> I NEED A DRINK.

>> NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALLGOOD COMEDY.

AND IT'S PROBABLYEVEN FUNNIER SOBER.

LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE.

>> AND THAT'S WHAT I CALLA HOT DOG.

>> [laughs]>> NOW IT'S TIME TO CHECK IN

AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ONWITH OLD KRIS KRINGLE HIMSELF

WITH OUR CHANNEL 6METEOROLOGIST, DARREN BLAZE.

DARREN.

>> STUPID CARTOONKIDDY-CORNER CRAP.

I'M A REAL WEATHER MAN, OKAY?

I DON'T--HEY! OH, HEY!

HI!

HEY, YOU GUYS.

HI.

DARREN BLAZE HEREWITH, APPARENTLY,

THE SANTA REPORT.

UH, IT LOOKS LIKE SANTA CLAUSIS OUT THERE

GOING ALL AROUND THE WORLDLIKE HE DOES EVERY CHRISTMAS,

HANDING OUT TOYS TO THE GOODLITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS.

AND WE HAVE CLEAR SKIES TONIGHT,SO IF YOU LOOK UP,

YOU JUST MIGHT SEE HIM.

OKAY, GREAT.

BACK TO YOU, DON AND YOLISHA.

>> DARREN, CAN YOU GIVE USA LITTLE MORE INFORMATION

ON SANTA?

>> YEAH, LIKE, WHAT STATEIS HE OVER NOW?

>> OH!

>> UH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS HE'S OVER--LOOKS LIKE IOWA.

HE'S OVER IOWA.

OKAY, BACK TO YOU,DON AND YOLISHA.

>> OKAY, THAT LOOKS MORELIKE COLORADO.

>> SURE DOES.

>> AND I'VE BEEN THERE.

>> I'D HAVE TO SAY COLORADO,EXACTLY.

>> YUP, HE'S OVER COLORADO.

THAT'S GREAT. WHATEVER.

DOESN'T MATTER.

OKAY, GREAT. THANKS.

BACK TO YOU GUYS.

>> HE MUST BE GOING FAST.

HOW'S HE DO IT?

>> IT'S GOT TO BE MAGIC,OKAY?

>> HAS SANTA TOLD YOUWHO'S BEEN NAUGHTY

AND WHO'S BEEN NICE THIS YEAR?

>> ALL RIGHT, LOOK,I'M A METEOROLOGIST, OKAY?

I'M NOT ONE OF THESE LITTLEWEATHER BOYS THAT YOU SEE.

I'M A METEOROLOGIST.

I'M A REAL WEATHERMAN.

I WENT TO SCHOOL FIVE YEARSTO LEARN HOW TO DO THIS.

I HAVE REPORTED ON HURRICANESAND BLIZZARDS.

AND I COME IN TO WORK TODAY--DON'T TELL ME WE'RE LIVE.

I KNOW THAT WE'RE LIVE.

I KNOW HOW THE NEWS WORKS.

I AM DARREN [bleep] BLAZE.

AS EVERYBODYIN THIS BUILDING KNOWS,

I DON'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMASBECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A FAMILY

ANYMORE.

THEY LEFT ME A LONG TIME AGO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FOLLOW-UPQUESTIONS TO THAT, DON?

>> I DON'T.

BUT MAYBE YOLISHA DOES.

>> SURE DO.

DARREN, WHEN CAN WE EXPECT SANTATO TOUCH DOWN

HERE IN THE SOUTHLAND?

>> NEVER.

SANTA'S NEVER GONNA TOUCH DOWNIN THE SOUTHLAND

OR ANYWHERE ELSE.

AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY?

ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE,PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO ME

AS I EXPLAIN WHY SANTAISN'T COMING TONIGHT.

BECAUSE SANTA DOES NOT EX-->> OH!

>> OH!

>> ALL RIGHTY.

WHOO-HOO!

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN.

[chuckles][door clicks open and shut]

[sighs]HEY, DIDN'T I TELL YOU

TO GO TO BED?

>> I DON'T WANT TO.

I'M TOO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS.

>> [groans]ALL RIGHT, I GET IT.

I GET IT. ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT METO FINISH MYSELF OFF?

>> WHAT?

>> I MEAN DO YOU WANTTO FINISH OFF

THIS MAGICAL ADVENT CALENDAR?

>> YEAH.

THERE'S ONLYA FEW DOORS LEFT,

AND I WANT TO DO THIS ONE.

>> OKAY, GREAT.

THIS DOOR.

>> LET'S SEE, ONE OF MY FONDESTCHRISTMAS MEMORIES.

YOU KNOW,BECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST.

WHEN I SAY HAPPY HOLIDAYS,I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT KWANZAA.

FAKE HOLIDAY.

ANYWAY, LET'S SEE.

OH, YEAH.

OKAY, I REMEMBER.

IT'S MY DAD DRESSING UPAS SANTA CLAUS

WHEN I WAS SIX YEARS OLD.

[siren wails]>> HOLD IT!

HOLD IT!

WE'RE ON TO YOU, SLICK.

>> OH.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

>> OH, SHIT.

>> SANTA?

>> JUST HOLD ON, ALL RIGHT?

RELAX, OKAY?

[laughs]I LIVE HERE, ALL RIGHT?

I LIVE HERE.

THIS IS MY HOUSE.

I AM SURPRISING MY SON.

I'M SANTA CLAUS.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

THIS PLACE IS PRETTY NICE.

HEY, KID,YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

>> JUST HOLD ON FOR A MINUTE,ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA SHOW YOUTHAT IT'S ALL--

HEY, HEY, BUDDY.

IT'S ME.

>> [screams]>> IT'S DADDY.

HEY.

>> CLEARLY DOES NOTKNOW YOU, SIR.

>> HE'S A LITTLE NERVOUS.

HE AIN'T BEEN AROUND THESE MANYWHITE PEOPLE BEFORE.

AND I KNOW THAT YOU ALLARE JUST DOING YOUR JOB.

I UNDERSTAND IT.

YOU HAVE TO.

THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A LIVING,RIGHT?

I'M GONNA GETMY DRIVER'S LICENSE.

JUST RELAX.

>> WHOA, WHOA!

[gunshot]>> [yells]

OW!

OH, WHY DID YOU SHOOT ME?

>> I DIDN'T-->> I WAS JUST GETTING

MY DRIVER'S LICENSE.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE MAKINGAN AGGRESSIVE MOVE.

>> NO!

>> YOU WERE MAKING A MOVE.

>> THAT WAS AN AGGRESSIVE MOVE,RIGHT?

>> YEAH, I SAW IT.

"DRIVER'S LICENSE"COULD BE SLANG FOR A GUN

IN THE STREET SOMETIMES.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S CUFF HIM.

>> AGGRESSIVE MOVE.

>> I WASN'T.

>> JUST RELAX.

>> LOOKED LIKE AN AGGRESSIVEMOVE.

>> GIVE ME YOUR HANDS.

>> OH, I HAVE NOTHING.

HOW YOU MOTHER[bleep]GONNA SHOOT SANTA CLAUS?

>> OH, LOOK.

WHAT'S THIS?

WHOA.

GOT YOUR GUN.

>> THAT AIN'T MINE!

THAT AIN'T MINE!

>> UH-OH, TWO GUNS.

>> OH, TRYING TO GO IN THERE,STEAL ALL THOSE SILVER BELLS,

HUH?

>> SANTA CLAUS DON'T HAVENO GUNS.

>> WHAT THE HELLIS WRONG WITH YOU?

>> OW, MY ARM.

STOP RESISTING.

>> WHY?

WHY'D YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?

>> STOP RESISTING.

>> OH!

OH, WE GONNA GETYOU WHITE MOTHER[bleep].

>> HEY, LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S 12:02.

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

>> OH.

>> HEY.

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUDDY.

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> YEAH, THAT IS MY FONDESTHOLIDAY MEMORY.

OH, WELL.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE.

>> DAD, MY BODY FEELS FUNNY.

I FEEL LIKE I'M CHANGING.

>> I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE ON.

>> WAKE UP!

ALL IN THE TRUCK.

OUT.

[blows landing,snowmen screaming]

>> I HAVE, LIKE, NO IDEAWHAT THAT WAS ABOUT.

LET'S JUST DO ANOTHER ONE.

I CAN'T.

THAT--THAT WAS WEIRD.

>> HI, I'M ABBI.

>> AND I'M ILANA.

>> DO YOU LOATHEGOING TO HOLIDAY PARTIES

BECAUSE YOU'REA MODERN HUMAN BEING

WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GOD?

>> WELL, LISTEN UP.

WE GOT SOME TIPSTHAT EVERYONE CAN USE

TO TURNTHAT AWKWARD CHRISTMAS PARTY

INTO A HOLIDAY HOOTENANNY.

>> COME ALONG.

WE'LL SHOW YOU THE WAY.

[both breathe deeply]>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> FIRST THINGS FIRST:OFFER YOUR HOST A GIFT

AS A THANK-YOUFOR HER HOSPITALITY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING US!

>> IT'S FROM BOTH OF US.

IF YOU FORGET YOUR GIFT,JUST SAY YOUR FRIEND'S GIFT

IS FROM THE BOTH OF YOU.

>> NOW IT'S TIME TO MINGLE.

SURVEY THE GROUNDSFOR LAND MINES.

>> SEE, THE FREE MARKETIS INNATELY...

>> YOU BETTER STAY FAR, FAR AWAYUNLESS YOU WANT TO BE

SUCKED IN LIKE A VACUUM:A DYSON.

>> YOU KNOW, I OFTEN WONDERWHAT DREAMS

OF MY TEETH FALLING OUTREALLY MEAN.

>> UGH.

WELL DONE.

NOW YOU'VE EARNED YOURSELFA PEEK INSIDE

THE MEDICINE CABINET.

>> [gasps]CERAMIC NETI POT?

I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS RICH.

>> [gasps]INDIVIDUALIZED FLOSSERS--FANCY.

>> [laughs]>> BONER PILLS.

WHAT, IS SHE [bleep]AN OLD DUDE?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BEEXCITING AND EXPLORATIVE?

IF WE TOOK ONE.

>> I DON'T KNOW...YET.

>> NOW THAT YOU'VESELF-MEDICATED,

WHY NOT AUGMENT ITWITH EGGNOG?

OGGMOG.

[laughs]OH!

>> ALMONDS.

>> AH.

MISTLETOE, ABBI.

>> YOU KNOW, KISSINGUNDER THE MISTLETOE

ORIGINATED AS A PAGANFERTILITY RITUAL.

>> [groans]IF YOU NEED TO AVOID

A MISTLETOE KISSFROM A MANSPLAINING CREEP,

YOU CAN CRAFT A HERPES SOREFROM A PIECE OF PEPPERMINT BARK.

>> UH...

>> WHEW, THAT WAS CLOSE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

DUDE.

MY [bleep] IS ROCK HARD.

I THINK THE BONER PILLSARE WORKING.

OH!

COME ON. DO SOMETHING.

>> NO.

ALL RIGHT, EXCUSE ME, BOYS.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

>> NO!

>> ALL RIGHT, WE GOT TO GET YOUOUT OF HERE.

COME ON.

NO, ILANA.

>> ILANA GOT TO TURN IT OUT!

HEY, COME ON.

>> OH!

YOU SPILLED MY CRAFT BEER!

>> I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU.

COME ON.

TAKE YOUR DICK OUT.

COME ON!

COME ON, TAKE OUT THAT D, BOY.

TAKE YOUR D OUT.

>> OH!

>> COME ON, DUDE.

I'M DYING.

COME ON!

>> NOW YOUR FRIEND'S MADE ASCENE

AND YOU NEED TO CREATEA DISTRACTION

TO GET THE [bleep]OUT OF THERE.

>> COME ON!

>> COME ON.

WE HOPE YOU'VE FOUND THISHELPFUL AND ILLUMINATING.

>> SO TO YOU AND YOURS,HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY

AND A NON-DENOMINATIONAL#BLESSED NEW YEAR.

[siren wailing]>> THOSE ARE MY KIND OF GIRLS:

FUN, SPUNKY,WITH A SELFISH DISREGARD

FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S SAFETY.

[chuckles]WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?

>> WANT TO TAKE BONER PILLS?

>> WHAT?

BONER PILLS?

WHAT ON EARTH?

WHY?

>> THEY MAKE YOU ACT ALL FUNNY,LIKE THAT LADY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY?

>> NO, I DON'T HAVEANY BONER P--

WHY WOULD I NEED BONER P--WHAT DID YOUR MOTHER SAY?

>> SHE SAID KYLEDOESN'T NEED BONER PILLS.

>> ALL RIGHTY,S'MORES TRAIN COMING THROUGH.

TOOT-TOOT!

MAKE A LITTLE ROOM HERE,MY FRIEND.

ALL RIGHT, DADDY DIDN'T HAVEANY GRAHAM CRACKERS,

SO WE'RE GONNA USE SALTINES.

>> OKAY.

>> ALSO, I DIDN'T HAVEANY MARSHMALLOWS,

SO I GOT THESEOUT OF THAT BOX OF CEREAL

THAT WAS IN THE CRAWL SPACE.

OKAY?

>> DON'T YOU THINK THAT-->> NO, AND I THINK

THESE'LL BE GREAT.

AND ALSO,THIS IS NOT A CHOCOLATE BAR

BUT CHOCOLATEPROTEIN SHAKE POWDER.

THIS IS LIVING IN THE HOLIDAYS.

S'MORES FOR EVERYBODY.

'CAUSE IT'S EVERYTHING YOU NEED.

GO FOR IT.

EAT MORE THAN ONE.

>> UGH.

>> I'M A FAILURE.

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I MEAN, THAT WAS GROSS,BUT EVERYTHING ELSE

ABOUT THIS WEEKENDHAS BEEN GREAT.

>> IT HAS?

>> LET'S OPEN ANOTHER ONEOF THESE STUPID DOORS.

>> OKAY.

>> HI, AND WHOO!

WHOO!

I'M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST,BECAUSE THE COLBERT REPORT

ISN'T EVEN ON ANYMORE.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT DAYOF THE ADVENT CALENDAR

AM I RIGHT NOW?

IS IT AFTER--IS IT AFTER DECEMBER 18TH?

'CAUSE IF SO,THIS IS A BREACH OF CONTRACT

FOR ME TO APPEARON THIS NETWORK

OR REALLY EVEN WATCH IT.

AND IF YOU PUT MEON DECEMBER 25TH,

WELL, THEN YOUR SINSARE FORGIVEN.

AND I WOULD WISH YOUA MERRY CHRISTMAS,

BUT I'M NOT REALLY SURE IF I WASREALLY A CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVE

OR IF THAT WAS JUSTMY CHARACTER.

SO LET'S JUST SAY...

L'CHAIM.

BAH, HUMBUG.

AND SOMEBODY TO GET MY LAWYER.

>> WOW, MY PHONE'S CRAP COMPAREDTO THIS ADVENT CALENDAR.

DAD, WASN'T THAT COOL?

>> OH.

>> DAD?

>> JENNY.

JENNY, USE BOTH HANDS.

>> DAD!

>> OH!

>> WHY WERE YOU SAYINGMOM'S NAME?

>> I WAS HAVING A DREAM.

WE WERE HIGH-FIVING.

OH, MY GOD,I MUST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP.

>> IT'S PROBABLY ALL THE EGGNOGYOU WERE DRINKING.

>> OH, THERE'S NOTHING IN THEREEXCEPT A HUGE AMOUNT OF RUM.

[groans]>> WELL, I GUESS I GOT TO OPEN

THIS FINAL DOOR BY MYSELF.

>> OH, OH!

[farts]>> [laughing]

>> HEY.

>> WOW, DAD,ADVENT CALENDARS

ARE PRETTY COOL AFTER ALL.

>> OH, I'M SO GLADYOU LIKED IT, SON.

>> WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW?

>> WELL, GOSH,I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

>> WELL, THAT ADVENT CALENDARGOT ME THINKING

ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS AND FAMILYAND TOGETHERNESS

AND, YOU KNOW, THE STUFFTHAT REALLY MATTERS.

>> YEAH.

>> AND IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO MEIF YOU AND I...

>> IF YOU AND I WHAT?

>> IF WE CAN PUT A DICKON THE NEIGHBOR'S SNOWMAN.

>> YOU'RE READING MY MIND.

ALL RIGHT, KIDDO,THERE'S A LIMP CARROT

IN THE FRIDGE.

GO GET IT!

[laughs]EAT YOUR HEART OUT, KYLE.

>> SON OF A BITCHES,BUMPASSES.

>> WHAT?

>> SON OF A BITCHES.

>> WHAT--BUT I DON'T UNDERSTANDTHE SENTENCE YOU SAID.

>> SON OF A BITCHES,BUMPASSES.

>> [bleep],WHAT'S THE SECOND PART?

>> IT'S BUMPASSES.

>> OH, THE BUMPASSES, RIGHT!

>> BUMPASSES.