Kong of Queens

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 04/28/2010

An obsessive-compulsive giant ape needs a job, and Callie struggles with her sudden attraction to Twayne.

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE.

HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD WEEKEND.

I KNOW GRIMES DID.

HE SPENT THE WHOLE TIMEMONKEYING AROUND.

I SAID, "MONKEYING AROUND."

- I THINK HE'S REFERRINGTO THE FACT

THAT I RISKED MY LIFEARRESTING A GIANT APE.

- IT'S CALLEDAN OPENING JOKE.

- I HAD NO IDEA.

WHAT?WAS I THE ONLY ONE HERE?

- I WAS COMPLETELY LOST.

- CURSE MY WRETCHED DELIVERY.

THAT JOKE SHOULD HAVE KILLED.

- [grunts]

- OOPS, MY BAD.

- MM, BROKEN EYE SOCKET.

SO HOT.

- I'VE NEVER SMELLED MY EARSO CLEARLY.

- OKAY, QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT.

DUE TO A BUDGET ADJUSTMENT,

WE'RE TEMPORARILY SHUTTING DOWNOUR SOCIAL SERVICES DEPARTMENT.

- UH, WHA--

- THIS HAS NOTHING TO DOWITH NOT LAUGHING AT MY JOKE.

- AND SO AFTER TODAY,

ALL SERVICESWILL BE SHUT DOWN TEMPORARILY.

- OH, NO.

NO!

- NO, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO.

- I'M SENSING SOME PANICIN THE ROOM,

AND THAT'S NATURAL.

BUT YOU ARE READY FOR THIS.

- [hissing]

YOU HAD ME CONVINCEDYOU REALLY CARED.

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL!

[sobbing]

- OW!

DO YOU FEEL LIKE BIG MAN NOW?

OW!

- JUST TRY TO HANG IN THERE,

AND WE'LL PICK BACK UPWHEN THE NEW BUDGET KICKS IN.

[knock at window]

YES, UH, KONG?

- I WAS HIRED TO CLEANTHE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING,

AND THAT'S ALL I WAS DOING.

WHEN CAN I GET MY JOB BACK?

- YOU KNOW KONGS ARE NOT ALLOWEDABOVE THE 40TH FLOOR

OF ANY BUILDING.

YOUR SUPERVISOR SAIDHE MADE THAT VERY CLEAR.

- I NEED TO CLEAN...

[shouting]NOW!

[horns honking]

[quietly]SORRY.

- FAIR ENOUGH.

LISTEN, EVERYONE,MESSAGE RECEIVED.

YOU'RE ALL EMOTIONAL DISASTERS.

- IT FEELS GOOD TO BE HEARD.

- THE DEPARTMENTMAY HAVE ABANDONED YOU,

BUT I WILL NOT.

KONG, I'LL TALK TO MY BOSS,SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

- I'M SO SORRY.YOU GOT A LITTLE--

HOLD STILL. HOLD STILL.THERE WE GO.

- ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

- YEAH.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA WRAP THIS UP

SO I CAN TOSS YOUOUT OF THE BUILDING?

YOUR TIBIA'S BASICALLY GROUNDINTO PASTE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO REBUILD ITOUT OF COARSE AGGREGATE.

THE FEMUR AIN'T LOOKINGTOO HOT EITHER.

THE BALL AND SOCKET'SBASICALLY GONE.

WE'RE GONNA NEEDTO ORDER SOME PARTS.

- WHAT'S THE E.T.A.ON THIS?

- NO WAY I CAN GET HIM FIXEDBEFORE MONDAY.

- CHET, THIS IS BULL[bleep].

I HELPED YOU MOVE.FIX ME NOW!

- COME ON. THERE'S GOT TO BESOMETHING YOU CAN DO.

- I COULD GIVE HIM A LOANER.

IT'S NOT GONNA BEA PERFECT MATCH, THOUGH.

[shimmering tone]

- STAY AWAY FROM THAT.

I WILL CUT YOU!

- LEONARD, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- I'M IN A MAN'S HOTEL,

AND I'M ADDICTEDTO SPRAY PAINT.

THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW!

[shimmering tone]

[phone rings]

- HELLO.

- HEY, MARK.

THE GREAT BRAIN HERE.

WANTED TO KEEP YOUIN THE LOOP.

HALF OF MARTINNEARLY O.D.'D,

KOALA MAN'S BEEN RECRUITEDBY AL-QAEDA,

AND THAT GUYWITH A TREE FOR A HEAD

SET HIMSELF ON FIRE

AND IS ONLY 40% CONTAINED.

HOW ARE THINGS ON YOUR END?

- BETTER THAN THAT.

- [grunts]

- ON THE DAY I'M HOSTING

THE BIGGEST VIRGIN SACRIFICEIN THE HISTORY

OF THE FIFTH CIRCLE OF HELL,

YOU GO AND SCRATCHMY COFFEE TABLE?

- I'M SORRY, MA'AM.

IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

- YEAH, I'M SUPPOSEDTO TORMENT YOU, CONSUELA,

NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

[roaring]

- YES, MA'AM.

[door clicks open]

- TWAYNE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

IN THOSE UNDERWEAR?

- THERE'S NO SENSEIN FIGHTING IT, CALLIE.

IT'S WRITTEN IN THE FLESH.

[sexy music grows louder]

MM, MM-MM, MM!

- I'M DISGUSTED,BUT I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.

IS THIS DESTINY OR PITY?

- I'M GOOD WITH EITHER.

[frightening music]

[people screaming]

BE GENTLE.

IT'S--IT'S MY FIRST TIME.

- PLEASE SHUT UP.

[gasping]

[coughing]

- I HOPE LAURIE'SSACRIFICIAL CEREMONY

GOES BETTERTHAN HER BIRTHDAY PARTY.

WHENEVER I SEE HERDRIVING AROUND IN THAT 5 SERIES,

I FEEL EMBARRASSED.

- [sighs]THANK SATAN.

[phone rings]

- WHAT DO YOU THINKOF THE TURTLE POND, BUDDY?

- WHAT CAN I SAY?

MAN DOES NICE WORK.

[phone ringing]

THERE YOU ARE.THANK GOD.

CALLIE, I NEED YOU--

WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT,PLEASE?

- I NEED YOU TOO.

- YOU DATE A DEMON,BUT THIS IS WHAT CREEPS YOU OUT?

DON'T TURN AWAY.LOOK AT IT!

DEAL WITH THIS NOW.

- SORRY ABOUT THAT.

CALLIE, I NEED YOU

TO SIGN KONG'SWORK RELEASE PAPERS.

- WELL, I'M THINKINGABOUT SLEEPING WITH TWAYNE.

- THAT'S HIDEOUS.

BUT I MIGHT HAVE YOU BEAT.

- LISTEN,IF YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST

IN SAVING THE HUMAN RACE,

YOU MAY WANT TO...

[in demon voice] GET YOUR ASSDOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!

- [screeching]

[both roaring]

- [screaming]

- CAREFUL!

YOU SPILLED SODA ON THE RUG.

IF YOU DAB,IT'LL COME RIGHT OUT.

IT JUST HAS TO.

MARK, THANK GOD YOU CALLED.

I'VE CLEANED EVERY INCHOF MY APARTMENT.

I EVEN ALPHABETIZEDMY ENTIRE KITCHEN.

I TRIED TO WASH DIRT,BUT THAT JUST MADE MUD,

AND THEN I STAINED MY SHEETSWITH SOAP.

SOAP, MARK.

HOW DO YOU CLEAN SOAP?IT'S THE ENDGAME.

- I ASSURE YOU, I'M DOINGEVERYTHING I POSSIBLY CAN.

- IS THAT CALYPSO MUSIC?

YEAH, I'M SUREYOU'RE ON IT.

- DON'T BE LIKE THAT, KONG.

I'M A MAN OF MY WORD.

- YOU'RE A DIRTY, DIRTY LIAR.

crash!

I'M SO SORRY.

- ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT.

THIS MADNESS MUST STOP.

- YOU KNOW, YOU WERE MORE GENTLEWITH ME WHEN I HAD LADY PARTS.

- IT'S JUST STRAIGHTFROM THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL.

- WE'VE GOT SICKLES.

[shimmering tone]

- LEONARD, REALLY NOTA GREAT TIME FOR A CHAT.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

- DA NANG, MARK.

THEY WORSHIP MELIKE A GOD HERE.

[claps]

PREPARE FOR THE SLAUGHTERING!

- WOW, WE'RE NOT EVENTHROUGH THE WEEKEND YET.

- YEAH, TURNS OUTI REALLY NEED STRUCTURE.

- I AM WORKING ON IT.

[shimmering tone]

[demons chattering]

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.

MY BOSS, TWAYNE,COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT.

SEE, HE ATE A BABY...

- BABY?- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

- THAT WAS SMOTHEREDIN BAD OYSTERS.

- OH.

- GOT IT.- NOW--NOW I UNDERSTAND.

- HOW ARE WEAT THE DEPARTMENT OF INTEGRATION

DOING OUR PART TO BRING ABOUTTHE END OF DAYS?

THAT'S THE QUESTION.ISN'T IT?

- YEAH, AND I GOT THE ANSWER.IN MY PANTS!

- THE FIRST THING WE DIDWAS ELIMINATE DENTAL COVERAGE

FROM THE HEALTH PLAN.

- I'D LIKE TO ELIMINATEYOUR DENTAL COVERAGE.

[laughs]

- KNOW YOUR LIMITS, GARY.

- [whimpers]

SO WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCEBETWEEN A DEMONIC COUNCIL

AND A ROOM FULL OF CHICKENSWITH THEIR HEADS CUT OFF?

- CALLIE!

- MARK.

- I WILL NOTSTAND IDLY BY

WHILE WE TURN OUR BACKS

ON THE CREATURES WHOSO DESPERATELY NEED OUR HELP.

- WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?I FOUGHT FOR MY COUNTRY.

- I HOPE YOU'RE ALL ENJOYINGYOUR FANCY CONVENTION

WITH YOUR SWAG

AND YOUR SHRIMP COCKTAILS

AND WHATEVER THAT ISYOU'RE EATING UP FRONT.

- IT'S HUMMUS.

- BUT I HAVE A KONGWITH OCD

WHO DESPERATELY NEEDSTO GET BACK TO WORK.

THE AMERICAN DREAMIS ALIVE AND WELL

IN KONG'S GIANT MESSED-UP HEAD.

AND SO I STAND BEFORE YOU,

INSPIRED BY HIS OBSESSION,TO ASK,

NAY, DEMAND,

THAT YOU SIGNHIS WORK RELEASE PAPERS.

- I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO.

THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLEOF HOW OUR PROGRAM WORKS.

IF WE CAN GET BLEEDING-HEARTVAGINAS LIKE MARK LILLY

TO BUY INTO OUR PROGRAM,

WE WILL INCREASETHE CREATURE-TO-HUMAN RATIO,

ASSURING US ALL OF A DIMINISHINGHUMAN POPULATION

AND THE END OF DAYSFOR MANKIND.

- I'D LOVE TO READTHAT BUSINESS PLAN.

- I'D LOVE TO READYOUR VAGINA.

- NO, GARY,WE'RE PAST THAT.

- MY BUSINESS PLAN,ACTUALLY.

[pen scratching]

[cheers and applause]

- YEAH, WIPE OUT THE HUMANS.

OH, EXCEPT MARK.

OO, OO, OO!

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