Monday, April 7, 2014

  • 04/07/2014

Arden Myrin, Kate Walsh and Jim Jefferies guess what YouTubers are ranting about, write an online dating profile for Vladimir Putin and list terrible Facebook statuses.

HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

(APPLAUSE)

THIS IS A NICE STORY.

THE NYPD AND THE NEW YORK FIRE

DEPARTMENT SQUARED OFF IN A

CHARITY HOCKEY MATCH, AND VIDEOS

OF WHAT HAPPENED AT THE EVENT

QUICKLY TOOK OVER INSTAGRAM.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING HAPPENED

WHEN THEY HIT THE ICE?

A. A CEREMONIAL FIRST KISS

AT CENTER ICE BETWEEN A COP

AND A FIREFIGHTER.

B. A WEIRD GANGNAM STYLE TRIBUTE

TO 9/11.

C. THEY BEAT THE (BLEEP)

OUT OF EACH OTHER.

ARDEN.

>> THEY BEAT THE (BLEEP)

OUT OF EACH OTHER.

>> Chris: LET'S GO TO INSTAGRAM

TO FIND OUT.

UH-OH!

YEP.

(CHEERING)

SO WHO ENDED UP WINNING?

THE TERRORISTS.

(LAUGHING)

THANKS TO THAT INSTAGRAMMER WHO

JUST HAD TO CAPTION ALL THAT

DELICIOUS VIOLENCE.

"UFC ON ICE!

EMOTICON COP CAR

VS. EMOTICON FIRE TRUCK,

#PART1, #NYPD, #FDNY."

(CHEERING)

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT THE HELL

CHARITY WERE THEY PLAYING FOR?

ARDEN MYRIN.

>> THE CHRIS BROWN KNUCKLE

SANDWICH FOUNDATION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS TO YOU.

KATE WALSH?

>> I WILL SAY THAT IS THE "NO,

YOU MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

"GAME OF THRONES" IS BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOT ONLY DID THE PREMIERE CRASH

HBOGO, BUT THIS MASTERFULLY

CRAFTED PRESTIGE DRAMA INSPIRED

A DELUGE OF STUPID, STUPID

TWEETS.

WHICH OF THESE IS AN ACTUAL

TWEET ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S

EPISODE?

A. "THE FIRST EPISODE OF

'GAME OF THRONES' WAS GOOD.

I SAW BOOB AND SOMEONE GOT

STABBED IN THE BALLS."

(LAUGHTER)

B. "NAH, I'M NOT (BLEEP)ING

WITH THIS 'GAME OF THRONES.'

THOSE WHITE TITTIES WAS SUPERB,

THOUGH."

(LAUGHTER)

C. "(BLEEP) 'GAME OF THRONES,'

WE HAVE GUNS NOW.

(BLEEP) THAT SWORDS AND

WIZARDRY BULL(BLEEP)."

WE DO HAVE GUNS NOW.

JIM JEFFRIES.

>> I'M GONNA GO...

ALTHOUGH THEY'RE ALL RIGHT,

I'M GOING TO GO A.

>> Chris: ACTUALLY, YOU WERE

RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

THEY'RE ALL REAL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

A COUPLE POSTED A BUNCH OF

THEIR WEDDING "SAVE THE DATES,"

WHICH THEY MADE TO LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE STARRING IN A ROMANTIC

COMEDY, AND IT IMMEDIATELY FLEW

TO THE TOP OF REDDIT.

>> AW!

>> ISN'T IT GOOD THAT THEY FOUND

EACH OTHER?

>> Chris: OH, JESUS.

(APPLAUSE)

COME ON!

SO BECAUSE MONDAY IS ALREADY

KIND OF A BUMMER, WE'RE

CONTINUING OUR HASHTAG

#RUINAMONDAY TRADITION, WHICH

WE'VE DONE THE LAST FEW MONDAYS.

SO IN HONOR OF THESE INDUSTRIOUS

REDDITTORS AND THEIR UPCOMING

NUPTIALS, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #RUINAROMCOM.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE "CHASING AMY

CATCHING HERPES," "JOE VS THE

VOLCANO VS ROE VS WADE," AND

"YOU'VE GOT MALE PATTERN

BALDNESS."

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS

ON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

KATE.

>> FOUR CANNIBALS AND A FUNERAL.

>> Chris: POINTS!

ARDEN.

>> HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO

CUNNILINGUS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JIM.

>> KIDNEY FAILURE TO LAUNCH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KATE.

>> WHEN HARRY KILLED SALLY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

JIM.

>> HOW TO LOSE A PREGNANCY

IN 10 DAYS.

(CHEERING)

>> Chris: POINTS!

ARDEN.

>> NEVER BEEN FIST.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

KATE WALSH.

>> 40-YEAR-OLD ANAL VIRGIN.

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID THAT WITH CONVICTION.

"RICH CAT/POOR CAT."

(LAUGHTER)

CATS: WITHOUT THEM, THE INTERNET

IS NOTHING MORE THAN BOOBS.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU A CROPPED

IMAGE OF A CAT WE FOUND ONLINE,

AND YOU TELL ME IF THE FULL

IMAGE WILL SHOW A RICH CAT FROM

"RICHCATS," AN INSTAGRAM, OR A

POOR CAT FROM SOME OTHER

WEBSITE.

WE DON'T EVEN CARE BECAUSE

THEY'RE POOR CATS.

UP FIRST, THIS LITTLE GUY.

IS THAT A RICH CAT OR POOR CAT?

JIM JEFFRIES.

>> THAT'S OBVIOUSLY A RICH CAT.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

RICH CAT!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THERE'S LIKE $103.

>> IT'S GOT LIKE $200.

THAT'S LIKE A STRIPPER CAT AFTER

A SHIFT.

>> SOMEBODY MADE IT RAIN.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT

LITTLE FELLA, RICH CAT OR POOR

CAT?

YES, ARDEN.

>> I WANT TO SAY POOR CAT

BUT I'M GOING TO SAY RICH CAT

BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE

HE'S IN AN AIRPORT.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

NOPE.

>> OH!

>> HE MIGHT OWN SEVERAL

OF THESE BOOTHS.

(LAUGHING)

HE MIGHT JUST BE COMING DOWN

TO CHECK.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: LAST ONE, THIS LITTLE

FELLA, RICH CAT, POOR CAT?

KATE WALSH.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY POOR.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE THE SAME CAT

FROM THE BODEGA.

>> Chris: RICH CAT!

DANDY RICH CAT.

NOW, IF...

(APPLAUSE)

>> HEY, HEY, HEY.

I WOULDN'T TRUST IT.

IT'S A (BLEEP)ING GINGER.

>> Chris: 100 POINTS FOR JIM

JEFFRIES.

YAHOO IS REPORTING THAT RUSSIAN

PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN-- OR

IN CANADA, "POUTINE" I BELIEVE

IS HOW THEY PRONOUNCE IT--

AND HIS WIFE OF 30 YEARS ARE

SPLITTING UP, AND I ASKED YOU

TO GIVE ME A LINE FROM HIS

DATING PROFILE ON okkremlin.com.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

ARDEN MYRIN.

>> (RUSSIAN ACCENT)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THE TAG IS PERFECT,

"CAR IS DOWNSTAIRS."

>> I DIDN'T KNOW...

DO WE ALL HAVE TO DO THE VOICE?

I DON'T WANT TO DO THE VOICE.

>> Chris: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO

THE VOICE.

YOU CAN DO A SLIGHTLY BUZZED

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

(CHEERING)

>> Chris: OH, GOOD.

"I'M SORRY, I'M SOCHI."

HE'S BEING SARCASTIC.

KATE WALSH.

(APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: WELL DONE.

(CHEERING)

FACEBOOK: IT'S WHAT INSTAGRAM IS

GOING TO BE FIVE YEARS FROM NOW.

LOTS OF PEOPLE YOU KIND OF KNOW

POSTING LOTS OF CRAP YOU SORT OF

CARE ABOUT.

BUT WHEN YOU STOP SHORT OF

CARING, IT'S TIME TO UNFRIEND

SOME PEOPLE.

SO I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME AS MANY

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES THAT

WILL MAKE ME WANT TO UNFRIEND

YOU, 60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK,

AND GO.

JIM.

>> ANY TIME YOU PUT A PICTURE OF

A SALAD AND WRITE "NOM NOM NOM."

>> Chris: POINTS.

YEAH, SUCK IT FOR THAT ONE.

ARDEN.

>> "SANDUSKY WAS FRAMED."

>> Chris: OH, JESUS.

POINTS!

I WOULD UNFRIEND YOU FOR THAT.

JIM.

>> ANY TIME YOU SEE A GUY DO A

SELFIE WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON AND

HE'S WEARING A BASEBALL CAP AND

HE'S TRYING TO SHOW HIS ABS,

I HATE THAT BECAUSE WE KNOW

HE TOOK THE HAT OFF

TO TAKE OFF THE SHIRT

AND HE PUT THE HAT BACK ON.

>> Chris: POINTS, TOO MUCH WORK.

ARDEN.

>> "JUST FEELING BLESSED."

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

KATE.

>> "SUBSCRIBE TO OUR FAMILY

NEWSLETTER."

>> Chris: NO!

POINTS.

ARDEN.

>> "CHECK OUT THESE VINES OF

JADEN'S SOCCER PRACTICE."

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT.

JIM.

>> WHENEVER YOU SEE A BIG GIRL

WHO TAKES A SELFIE BUT LIKE THIS

SO IT LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS

A JAW LINE.

(APPLAUSE)

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE!

>> Chris: I HAVE TO GIVE POINTS

TO JIM JEFFRIES.

THE AUDIENCE ENJOYED IT.

I KNOW.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> I KNOW, POWERFUL.

>> Chris: HEY, HEY, GUYS.

>> YOU'RE UNFRIENDED.

>> Chris: HOW DARE YOU,

AUDIENCE, SPEAK OUT WITH WORDS!

LAUGHTER IS THE ONLY CURRENCY

I WILL ACCEPT FROM YOU!

(CHEERING)

COME UP HERE.

COME HERE.

(CHEERING)

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, MA'AM?

>> STEPHANIE.

>> Chris: STEPHANIE,

I OFFICIALLY UNFRIEND YOU!

>> CHRIS, CHRIS, CHRIS,

I HAVE A COUPLE OF REASONS WHY

YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT, MATE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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