Monday, April 7, 2014

  • 04/07/2014

Arden Myrin, Kate Walsh and Jim Jefferies guess what YouTubers are ranting about, write an online dating profile for Vladimir Putin and list terrible Facebook statuses.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

THE NYPD AND THE NY FIREDEPARTMENT SQUARED OFF IN A

CHARITY HOCKEY MATCH, AND VIDEOSOF WHAT HAPPENED AT THE EVENT

QUICKLY TOOK OVER INSTAGRAM.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING HAPPENEDWHEN THEY HIT THE ICE?

A, A CEREMONIAL FIRST KISS ATCENTER ICE BETWEEN A COP AND A

FIREFIGHTER.

B, A WEIRD GANGNAM STYLETRIBUTE TO 9/11.

C, THEY BEAT THE (BLEEP ) OUTOF EACH OTHER.

>> THEY BEAT THE ( BLEEP ) OUTOF EACH OTHER.

IT'S GO TO INSTAGRAM TO FINDOUT.

SO WHO ENDED UP WINNING?

THE TERRORISTS.

THANKS TO THAT INSTAGRAMERWHO CAPTURED ALL THAT VIOLENCE.

#PART 1, #NYPD.

#FDNY.

COMEDIANS WHAT, THE HELL CHARITYWERE THEY PLAYING FOR?

>> THE CHRIS BROWN KNUCKLESANDWICH FOUNDATION.

>> KATE WALSH?

>> I WILL SAY THAT IS THE "NO,YOU MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION."

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> "GAME OF THRONES" IS BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )NOT ONLY DID THE PREMIERE CRASH

HBO GO, BUT THIS MASTERFULLYCRAFTED PRESTIGE DRAMA INSPIRED

A DELUGE OF STUPID, STUPIDTWEETS.

WHICH OF THESE IS AN ACTUALTWEET ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S

EPISODE?

THE FIRST EPISODE OF "GAME OFTHRONES" WAS GOOD.

I SAW BOOB AND SOMEONE GOTSTABBED IN THE BALLS.

THOSE WHITE TITTIES WAS SUBERB.

( BLEEP ) "GAME OF THRONES."

WE HAVE GUNS NOW.

( BLEEP ) THAT SWORDS ANDWIZARDRY ( BLEEP ).

>> ALTHOUGH THEY'RE ALL RIGHT,I'M GOING TO GO A.

>> ACTUALLY, YOU WERE RIGHT THEFIRST TIME.

THEY'RE ALL REAL.

#HASHTAGWARS.

A COUPLE POSTED A BUNCH OFTHEIR WEDDING "SAVE THE DATES,"

WHICH THEY MADE TO LOOK LIKETHEY'RE STARRING IN A ROMANTIC

COMEDY, AND IT IMMEDIATELY FLEWTO THE TOP OF REDDIT.

>> OH!

ISN'T IT GOOD THAT THEY FOUNDEACH OTHER?

( APPLAUSE )>> COME ON!

BECAUSE MONDAY IS ALREADY KINDOF A BUMMER, WE'RE CONTINUING

OUR HASHTAG #RUINAMONDAYTRADITION.

SO IN HONOR OF THESE INDUSTRIOUSREDDITTORS AND THEIR UPPING

NUPTIALS, TONIGHT'S HASHTAGIS RUIN A ROM-COM.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE CHASING AMY,CATCHING HERPES.

AND YOU'VE GOT MALE PATTERNBALDNESS.

>> FOUR CANNIBALS AND A FUNERAL.

>> HE'S JUST NOT THAT IN TOCUNNINGLUS.

>> KIDNEY FAILURE TO LAUNCH.

>> WHEN HARRY KILLED SALLY.

>> YES!

JIM.

>> HOW TO LOSE A PREGNANCY IN 10DAYS.

>> POINTS!

NEVER BEEN FIST.

>> KATE WALSH.

>> 40-YEAR-OLD ANAL VIRGIN.

"RICH CAT/POOR CAT."

CATS, WITHOUT THEM THE INTERNETIS NOTHING MORE THAN BOOBS.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU A CROPPEDIMAGE OF A CAT WE FOUND ONLINE,

AND YOU TELL ME IF THE FULLIMAGE WILL SHOW A RICH CAT FROM

RICHCATS OF INSTAGRAM OR POORCAT FROM SOME OTHER WEBSITE.

>> YEAH!

>> WE DON'T EVEN CARE BECAUSETHEY'RE POON CATS.

UP FIRST, THIS LITTLE GUY.

IS IT RICH CAT OR POOR CAT?

JIM JEFFRIES.

>> THAT'S OBVIOUSLY A RICH CAT.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

RICH CAT!

( APPLAUSE )>> THERE'S LIKE, $103.

>> THAT'S LIKE A STRIPPER CAT.

>> THIS NEXT LITTLE FELLA, RICHCAT, POOR CAT.

YES, ARDEN.

>> I WANT TO SAY POOR CAT BUTI'M GOING TO SAY RICH CAT

BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S IN ANAIRPORT.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

NOPE.

>> OH!

>> HE MIGHT OWN SEVERAL OF THOSEHE MIGHT JUST BE BECOMING DOWN

TO CHECK.

>> LAST ONE, THIS LITTLE FELLA,RICH CAT, POOR CAT?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY POOR.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE THE SAME CATFROM THE BODEGA.

>> RICH CAT!

DANDY RICH CAT.

NOW.

>> HEY, HEY, I WOULDN'T TRUSTIT.

IT'S A ( BLEEP ) GINGER.

>> 100 POINT FOR JIM JEFFRIES.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUYAHOO IS REPORTING THAT PUTIN,

-- OR IN CANADA,PUT-TEEN, I BELIEVE THEY

PRONOUNCE IT -- PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN AND HIS

WIFE OF 30 YEARS ARE SPLITTINGUP, AND I ASKED YOU TO GIVE ME A

LINE FROM HIS DATING PROFILE ONokkremlin.com.

>> WILL SRAY HIGH-PRESSURE HOSEON YOUR PUSSY RIOT.

GET READY TO PUT PU IN THE TIN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> I DIDN'T KNOW-- DO WE ALL

HAVE TO DO THE VOICE?

I DON'T WANT TO DO THE VOICE.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THEVOICE.

YOU CAN DO A SLIGHTLY BUZZEDAUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

>> THE ONLY THING I HATE MORETHAN WEARING SHIRTS AND

HOMOSEXUALS, IF YOU DON'T AGREEWITH ME, I'M SOCHI.

>> KATE WALSH.

>> I ENJOY LONG WALKS ON THEBEACH, A MOONLIGHT

INTERROGATION, AND IF I SEE ASTRAY DOG, I WILL KILL IT.

( LAUGHTER )CHECK OUT MY (BLEEP) PIC

PAINTED BY GEORGE W. BUSH.

"UNFRIEND ME."

FACEBOOK-- IT'S WHAT INSTAGRAMIS GOING TO BE FIVE YEARS FROM

NOW-- LOTS OF PEOPLE YOU KIND OFKNOW POSTING LOT OF CRAP YOU

SORT OF CARE ABOUT.

BUT WHEN YOU STOP SHORT OFCARING, IT'S TIME TO UNFRIEND

SOME PEOPLE.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO GIVE MEFACEBOOK STATUS UPDATED THAT

WILL MAKE ME UNFRIEND YOU.

60 SECONDS, STARTING NOW.

>> ANY TIME YOU PUT A PICTURE OFA SALAD WRITE "NOM NOM NOM."

>> SANDUSKY WAS FRAMED.

>> POINTS!

>> I WOULD UNFRIEND YOU FORTHAT.

JIM.

>> ANY TIME YOU SEE A GUY WITH ASELFIE WITHOUT A SHIRT, WEARING

A BASEBALL CAP. I HATE THAT,BECAUSE WE KNOW HE TOOK THE HAT

OFF TO TAKE THE SHIRT AND PUTTHE HAT BACK ON.

>> SUBSCRIBE TO OUR FAMILYNEWSLETTER

ARDEN.

>> CHECK OUT VINES OF JADEN'SSOCCER PRACTICE.

>> WHENEVER YOU SEE A BIG GIRLHE TAKES A SELFIE BUT LIKE THIS,

SO IT LOOKS LIKE HE HAS AJAWLINE.

>> I HAVE TO GIVE POINTS TO JIMJEFFRIES.

THE AUDIENCE ENJOYED IT.

>> I KNOW.

>> I KNOW, POWERFUL.

>> HEY, HEY, GUYS.

HOW DARE YOU!

AUDIENCE, SPEAK OUT WITH WORDS!

LAUGHTER IS THE ONLY CURRENCY IWILL ACCEPT FROM YOU.

COME UP HERE.

COME HERE.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, MA'AM.

>> STEPHANIE.

>> STEPHANIE, I OFFICIALLYUNFRIEND YOU!

>> CHRIS, CRIRKS CHRIS, I HAVE ACOUPLE OF REASONS YOU SHOULDN'T

DO THAT, MATE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

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