Soul Sucker

  • Season 1, Ep 13
  • 11/10/2010

Mark and Randall teach a sexed up robot self-control, and Callie mixes up Mark in a demonic ritual.

DON'T GET STICKY.

- WHOA, WAIT.

YOU'RE LEAVINGTHE KILLER ROBOT WITH ME?

- YOU ARE M. LILLY, CORRECT?

CHIEF OPERATING OFFICERIN CHARGE OF...

ROBOTIC ANDROID REHABILITATION?

- NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.

- I MAY HAVE HAD SOMETHINGTO DO WITH THAT.

I THOUGHT I WAS SIGNING YOU UPFOR THE SOFTBALL TEAM.

- BORING LABORATORIES.

I'VE GOT ONE OF THEIRPNEUMATIC EGG POACHERS.

- AND I'VE GOTTHEIR HYDRAULIC MELON BALLER.

TOTAL [bleep].

- DOES IT COMEWITH INSTRUCTIONS?

- USE THE EGG POACHER MANUAL.

SAME PRINCIPLE.

- MY NAME IS MARK.

I COME IN PEACE.

[wet splatter]

UGH.- SO DID HE.

- [grumbles]

- OH, DON'T BE A BABY.

LEMON JUICEWILL TAKE THAT RIGHT OUT.

- TODAY IN HONOROF OUR NEWEST MEMBER, J9,

I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS BOUNDARIES.

WE ALL HAVE BOUNDARIESTHAT NEED TO BE RESPECTED.

RIGHT?

- OH, GOD.[wet splatter]

OH, YOU BASTARD.

- TURN YOUR ANGERINTO A STATEMENT.

- I WANT TO PISSON HIS CIRCUIT BOARD.

- THAT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL.GO DEEPER.

- I GUESS I WONDER,"WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THIS?"

- J9, WHY WOULD YOU DO THISTO TOBY?

[mechanical whirring]

UH, ERIC?

- I LOVE THAT EVERYONEJUST ASSUMES

I READ PUNCH CARD.

GIVE ME THAT.

"CONSULT MANUAL."

- HE DIDN'T COMEWITH A MANUAL,

MUCH LIKE LIFE ITSELF.

- [leaves rustling]

EXCUSE ME.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD PLACE

TO BUY A LAST-MINUTEZECHALECH GIFT

THAT'S NOT GONNA BREAKMY WALLET IN HALF?

all: THAT WAY.

[bell dings]

- I'M LOOKING FOR A ZECHALECHGIFT FOR MY GIRLFRIEND,

SOMETHING THOUGHTFUL THAT WON'TBREAK MY WALLET IN HALF.

- WELL, PUZZLE BOXES ARETHE TRADITIONAL ZECHALECH GIFT.

HOW GUILTY ARE WE FEELING

FOR LEAVING ITTILL THE LAST MINUTE?

- THIS ISN'T HELPING MY HERNIA.

- I NEED THE BIGGESTDAMN PUZZLE BOX YOU GOT.

- GOOD AFTERNOON.

NOTICING SPOOGE STAIN.

JACKETS ARE REQUIRED, SIR.

- THE ZECHALECH CEREMONY.

MAY I INTRODUCE YOUR GRADUATES?

- THIS IS A COOL BIRTHDAY PARTY.

- JUST PUT ON THE HORNS.

- HOW DARE YOU?

YOU UNDERSTANDTHAT WE ARE FROM

TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WORLDS.

- HELLO, HI, HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HI.

- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOWWHO SHE IS.

YOUR EX-WIFE--DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

- I HAVE MOVED ONTO GREENER PASTURES,

AND YOUR ANGER IS UNATTRACTIVE.

- WILL YOU STOP?

- AND FINALLY,CALLIE MAGGOTBONE.

IS THERE NO HUMAN

WHO WILL SPEAK ON HER BEHALF?

- AW.

- GOD, YOU'RE SUCH A PHONY.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEENSUCH A PHONY.

- A PHONY, RIGHT.OKAY, REPEAT, REPEAT.

- WHO SAYS THAT?

- REPEAT, REPEAT.REPEAT, REPEAT.

REPEAT!

- [groans]

- ANY HUMAN AT ALL?

- UH, I'LL DO IT.

- [gasps]

- YOUNG MAN, I DON'T KNOWWHO YOU ARE.

- CALLIE ASKED METO COME TONIGHT.

I SAID, "ARE YOU KIDDING?IT'S YOUR 13TH ZECHALECH.

WILD HORSES COULDN'T STOP ME."

- UGH, KISS-ASS.

- A PUZZLE BOX?

OH, MY GOD, MARK.

THIS IS REALLY UNEXPECTED.

- THERE'S A CARD TOO.

MY SOUL BELONGS TO YOU.

OH, I FORGOT TO SIGN IT THERE.

IT'S A KITTY CAT CARD,EVERYBODY.

all: AW.

- SHOULD I UNSEAL IT?

- STOP TEASING US.

UNSEAL THAT BOX!

all: UNSEAL THAT BOX!

[phone rings]

- QUICK QUESTION.

BEST WAY TO REMOVE MAN JUICEFROM A SAM GOODY EMPLOYEE?

- I'M GONNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE.

[mechanical clanking]

[eerie humming]

- [demonic voice] EATA, ELIA, ES!

all: EATA, ELIA, ES!

EATA, ELIA, ES!

EATA, ELIA, ES!

EATA, ELIA, ES!

EATA, ELIA, ES!

[groaning]

- I'VE HEARD OF MORNING WOOD,MARK,

BUT IT'S NEARLY MIDNIGHT.

[chuckles]

- WHY AM I NAKED, LEONARD?

- THE SECOND ORDEAL.

WHATEVER YOU DREAMED LAST NIGHT,YOU'LL LIVE OUT TODAY.

NOW, HOLD STILL.

WE'RE FITTING YOUR TUXEDO.

- [humming]

IT'S MY BODY.I'M OKAY WITH IT.

HUH?

- YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMEDOF YOURSELF

FOR DREAMING THIS.

- I'VE BEEN UNDERA LOT OF STRESS LATELY.

TODAY'S TOPIC:ADMITTING YOUR FAULTS.

WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?

- I LOOK AT MY POOPBEFORE I FLUSH.

- THAT'S ACTUALLYPRETTY NORMAL.

- I ALSO LOOK AT HIS POOPBEFORE HE FLUSHES.

- EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.

- OOH, LITTLE CIRCLES,LITTLE CIRCLES.

- YOU KNOW,THERE'S A PROCEDURE

TO TAKE CAREOF THOSE SPIDER VEINS.

- [moaning]

splash!

- OH, YOU'RE SO TENSE.

- CALLIE, SWEETHEART,DREAMS COMING TRUE SOUNDS GREAT,

BUT IN REALITY,NOT SO FUN.

- WHO SAID IT'S SUPPOSEDTO BE FUN?

- YOU DID.

- JUST RELAX.

LET MOMMY WORK IT OUT.

- MOMMY?

- I'M SENSING DISTANCE, MARK.

- FOR THE RECORD,

I'VE NEVER DREAMTABOUT MY MOM

IN CROTCHLESS PANTIES.

- I BEG TO DIFFER.

YOU MUMBLE IN YOUR SLEEP.

WHO WANTS TO HEARTHE RECORDINGS?

all: WE DO!

- YOU'RE NOT GETTING COLD FEET,ARE YOU?

- I'M NOT MARRYING MY MOTHER.

- IT'S YOUR DREAM,NOT MINE.

- MARK, STOP ARGUING,AND HAND YOUR PENIS TO YOUR MOM.

- MM.

- YOU WASTE TIME TALKING,TEACHER.

IS MY TURN FROM BEHIND.

- IT'S AN ORGY.I-I WANT IN.

- I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEXWITH MARK'S MOTHER.

- [screaming]

- [laughing]

- HOW FAR IS IT?

ABOUT THAT FAR.

- MM.

[eerie sucking noise]

IS IT ME, OR DOES THATLOOK JUST LIKE A--

[loud thump]

- THERE YOU ARE.

I'VE BEEN LOOKINGEVERYWHERE FOR YOU.

- WHOA.

- HAVE YOU BEEN AVOIDING ME?

- CALLIE, UH, BABY,

WE'VE GOT SORT OF AN EMERGENCYON OUR HANDS.

- OH, MY.YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT THING REALLY ISREADY TO BLOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S JUST FILL ITRIGHT HERE.

WHO NEEDS THAT STUPID CEREMONY,ANYWAY?

GOING DOWN.

[shimmering tone]

- WHAT DID I TELL YOU, MARK?

NO HUMDINGERS.

- I HATE BUTTON FLY.

- SHE'S ABOUTTO SUCK YOUR SOUL OUT

ONE OF THE MANY WAYSTHEY DO IT:

THROUGH THE URETHRA.

- YOU WERE GOINGTO SUCK MY SOUL OUT?

- SO I'M CONFUSED.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THIS.

IF YOU DIDN'T,THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE ME...

[in demon voice]THE STUPID PUZZLE BOX?

- I WAS HORRIBLY MISLEDBY A SALES REPRESENTATIVE

AT THE HELLMARK STORE.

AND THEN I SAW YOU STANDINGON THAT STAGE ALL ALONE,

AND I FELT SORRY FOR YOU.

- THIS IS WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU DATE A HUMAN, CALLIE.

UGH, I HATE MY HUMAN HALF.

WANT A HUMDINGER?

- MORE THAN ANYTHING.

- CALLIE.

- [in demon voice]GET OUT.

[tires screeching]

PRINCE OF THRONES CATHEDRAL.

STEP ON IT.

- SORRY.

- WHOA, WHERE YOU GOING?

- IT'S OKAY, OFFICER.

MARK LILLY,DEPARTMENT OF INTEGRATION.

- SPECIAL AGENT CHET MCGOVERN,FBI.

- YES, SIR.

[mechanical whirring]

- IT'S DR. ALAN BORINGIN THE FLESH.

[mechanical whirring]

[beeping]

- [groans]

- WELL, ROTTING FLESH.

[mechanical clanking]

- IT'S HIS INSTRUCTION MANUAL.

[mechanical whirring]

- AW, HE WANTS A BELLY RUB.

- I DON'T THINKTHAT'S A BELLY RUB.

I THINK HE'S TRYINGTO MAKE SOME STIFFNESS

IN HIS BATHING SUIT AREA.

- WELL, HE NEEDS TO USEMORE STARCH THAN THAT,

BECAUSE THOSE LOOK LIKEWOOL SLACKS TO ME.

- NO, HE'S HERETO REFILL HIS TANK.

- BOY, THAT MUST HAVEBEEN TOUGH,

BEING GAY IN THE '50s.

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