Ricca, Godfrey, Rich, Greenberg

  • Season 3, Ep 0311
  • 02/08/2000

KIDS NOW GOT GUNS.

WISH WE HAD GUNS.

NOT THAT WE GOINGTO SHOOT ANYBODY;

WE HAD TO ACTUALLY FIGHT.

ANYBODY REMEMBER THE 3:00 FIGHT

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

YOU WAS IN?

TILL ABOUT 2:50?

FIGHT PROMOTERSCOME TO YOUR CLASS.

WE HEARD YOU FIGHTING CALVIN.

I AIN'T HEAR THAT.

THAT'S WHY WE TELLING YOU.

YOU EVER GOT A PEER PRESSUREASS WHIPPING?

THAT'S WHEN YOUR FRIENDSCONVINCE YOU

THAT YOU CAN KICK SOMEBODY'S ASS

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'TKICK THEIR ASS.

THERE WAS THIS GIRL NAMED YABO.

I THINK IT WAS AFRICAN FOR"I WILL WHIP YOUR BONY ASS."

MY FRIENDS CONVINCED MEI COULD BEAT YABO.

SHE'S SIX FOOT ONEIN THE SIXTH GRADE.

SHE WHIPPED EVERYBODY ASSBUT MINE.

YOU DAVID, AND SHE GOLIATH.

I SAID, WHERE SHE AT?

RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

SHE TRIED TO WARN ME, YOU KNOW.

( foreign accent ):I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT YOU, BOY.

DON'T LISTEN TO THEM.

THEY'RE GOING TO GET YOU HURT.

I'M SHOWING OFF,YEAH, YABO, WHAT'S UP?

GOT A LITTLE BIT TOO CLOSE.

( snarling noises )

( snarling noises )

CAME HOMEWITH THAT SNOT BUBBLE CRY.

YOU EVER COME HOME,YOU GOT YOUR ASS WHIPPED SO BAD

YOU CAN'T EVEN HARDLY CRY?

YOU COME HOME...

( blubbering and whimpering )

SNOT BUBBLES POPPING...

POUF! POUF!

( blubbering and whimpering )

YOU CAN'T TALK.

YOUR MOTHER BE ALL,BOY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

YAB... YABO...

YABO, YABO, YABO...

YABBA DABBA DOO?BOY, WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ANYONE HERE FROM QUEENS?

YEAH!

I USED TO LIVERIGHT BY THE BODEGA.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE BODEGA IS.

IT'S THE LITTLE LATIN STORE.

AND THEY TRY TO ACT LIKEIT'S A GROCERY STORE.

IT HAS TWO AISLES.

THE GUY ALWAYS TRIES TO HELP ME.

( Spanish accent ):"YOU LOOKING FOR THE BREAD?"

I WAS LIKE, "I CAN SEE ITRIGHT HERE, ALL RIGHT?"

HE'S LIKE,"IT'S IN AISLE TWO."

"THAT'S ALL YOU GOT.

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

EVERY BODEGA HAS A CAT.

( laughter )

EL GATO.

THIS IS A LATIN CAT.

THIS ISN'T THAT STUFFYOU SEE ON TV.

( high-pitched meowing )

NO, THIS IS A LATIN CAT.

EL GATO BEEN WORKINGIN THE BODEGA

FOR, LIKE, 30 YEARS.

AND HE WANTS TO KILLTHE TACO BELL DOG.

DON'T LIKE HIM.

AND YOU KNOW, MOST CATSYOU CAN SCARE AWAY, RIGHT?

YOU SEE A CAT ON THE STREET--"GET OUT OF HERE!"

( meowing )

NOT EL GATO.

I TRIED TO SCARE EL GATO--"GET OUT OF HERE!"

HE SAID, "YOU GET OUT OF HERE!"

"HOMBRE CHOCOLATE, I DON'T LIKE YOU!"

I WAS, LIKE, "SORRY."I LEFT, YOU KNOW.

THEN I DON'T KNOWHOW HE GOT MY NUMBER.

I WAS, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"

HE WAS ON MY CALLER I.D.

IT WAS LIKE, "EL GATO."

( laughter )

I SAID, "HELLO?"

"EL MEOW."

WHAT IN THE...?!

THEN HE CALLED BACKLIKE AN HOUR LATER--

"HELLO?"

"SAMMY SOSA!"

WHAT?! HE KNOWS ABOUT BASEBALL!

WHAT IS GOING ON?

I'M FROM CHICAGO.

YES.

YEAH. I WAS BORN IN NEBRASKA.

( laughter )

LIKE I HAD A CHOICE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I COULD COME OUTOF MY MOM AND SAY--

OH, SORRY, MA,I WANT TO BE BORN IN BROOKLYN.

NO, THAT'S IT,YOU'RE BORN, YOU'RE BORN.

LET ME TELL YOU THE REASON--

I'M NIGERIAN, ALL RIGHT? 100%.

AND THAT'S JUST THE THINGABOUT NIGERIANS.

WHEREVER THERE'S A SCHOOL--

MY FATHERWENT TO SCHOOL OUT THERE--

WHEREVER THERE'S A SCHOOL,THERE'S A NIGERIAN, MAN.

DOESN'T MATTER.

IT COULD BE K.K.K. UNIVERSITY.

( laughter )

A NIGERIAN WILL BETHE FIRST ONE TO SIGN UP.

BUT HE'LL BE HAPPY,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

( Nigerian accent ):OH, MY GOODNESS...

( laughter )

I'M SO HAPPY.

I'M GOINGTO A VERY GREAT SCHOOL.

K.K.K. UNIVERSITY. OH!

I WAS TALKING TO MY PROFESSORTHE OTHER DAY

THE GRAND IMPERIAL WIZARD, YES.

NO, HE'S A SMART MAN.

HE'S A WIZARD.

HE TOLD ME.

HE SAID HE'S SO EXCITED.

HE CANNOT WAITTO SHOW ME THE ROPES.

OH, MY GOODNESS!

( laughter )

HE WANTS ME TO HANG AROUNDOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

AND HE INVITED ME TO A BARBECUE.

I SAID, NO, I CANNOT GO.

CAME WITH NO MONEY.

NO MONEY,NOT THIS WELFARE THING.

THAT'S NOTHING.

WELFARE IS LUXURY, HUH?

IT'S, LIKE, "I'M ON WELFARE."

( Nigerian accent ):"YOU ARE RICH."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, THEY CAMETO THE AIRPORT NAKED.

( laughter )

THEY'RE, LIKE,"CAN WE GET ON THE PLANE?

I DON'T WANT TO SHOW YOUWHERE MY PASSPORT IS."

I'M FOR REAL.

I CAN'T EVEN COMPARE...

( laughter and applause )

GO ON, LAUGH IT UP.

I CAN'T EVEN COMPARE FINANCIALSTRUGGLES WITH MY FATHER.

I CAN'T GO, "DAD,I CAN'T GET THESE NEW NIKES.

I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY."

( Nigerian accent ):"YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEYFOR YOUR NEW NIKES.

"WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE...WE DIDN'T HAVE FEET."

( laughter and applause )

IT'S, LIKE,"BUT I WANT TO GET SOME PUMAS."

"PUMAS?!

"WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,WE HAD TO CHASE IT.

( laughter )

BUT I COULDN'T, 'CAUSE I DON'THAVE FEET, YOU KNOW?"

I WENT TO AFRICATO SEE MY GRANDPARENTS.

NIGERIA WAS NICE, YOU KNOW.

AND IT'S SO FUNNYHOW THEY SHOW AFRICANS NAKED

YOU KNOW, THE WAY THEY DO IT.

JUST THE WAY THEY DO IT.

IT'S SO... YOU KNOW..."HEY, LOOK AT THOSE AFRICANS."

( laughter )

"NO CLOTHES.

THEY'RE POOR AFRICANS."

DO YOU KNOW HOW HOTIT IS IN AFRICA?

( laughter )

HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

THE SUN IS LIKE RIGHT HERE.

THE SUN IS, LIKE,"HI. I AM THE SUN.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"

LIKE, 2,000 DEGREES RIGHT HERE.

OH, MAN, MY FATHER IS WONDERFUL.

MY PARENTSBEEN MARRIED 36 YEARS.

THEY CELEBRATED THEIR 36thANNIVERSARY OCTOBER 1.

YES, THEY DID.

( applause and cheers )

I LOVE MY PARENTS!

I LOVE THEM TO DEATH.

MY... AW, BUT MY FATHER,YOU KNOW, HE'S ABOUT THIS TALL.

NO, HE'S NOT THAT TALL.

HE'S LIKEA LITTLE ACTION FIGURE.

BUT HE HAS A STRONG VOICE;A POWERFUL VOICE.

LIKE, WHEN MY FRIENDS CALLMY PARENTS' HOUSE IN CHICAGO

AND MY FATHER PICKS UP THE PHONE

THEY THINK THEY'RETALKING TO THE LION KING.

LIKE, "UH, CAN I SPEAKTO GODFREY?"

( deep voice ):"GODFREY'S NOT HERE."

"MUFASA?