Ricca, Godfrey, Rich, Greenberg

  • 02/07/2000

KIDS NOW GOT GUNS.

WISH WE HAD GUNS.

NOT THAT WE GOINGTO SHOOT ANYBODY;

WE HAD TO ACTUALLY FIGHT.

ANYBODY REMEMBER THE 3:00 FIGHT

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

YOU WAS IN?

TILL ABOUT 2:50?

FIGHT PROMOTERSCOME TO YOUR CLASS.

WE HEARD YOU FIGHTING CALVIN.

I AIN'T HEAR THAT.

THAT'S WHY WE TELLING YOU.

YOU EVER GOT A PEER PRESSUREASS WHIPPING?

THAT'S WHEN YOUR FRIENDSCONVINCE YOU

THAT YOU CAN KICK SOMEBODY'S ASS

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'TKICK THEIR ASS.

THERE WAS THIS GIRL NAMED YABO.

I THINK IT WAS AFRICAN FOR"I WILL WHIP YOUR BONY ASS."

MY FRIENDS CONVINCED MEI COULD BEAT YABO.

SHE'S SIX FOOT ONEIN THE SIXTH GRADE.

SHE WHIPPED EVERYBODY ASSBUT MINE.

YOU DAVID, AND SHE GOLIATH.

I SAID, WHERE SHE AT?

RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

SHE TRIED TO WARN ME, YOU KNOW.

( foreign accent ):I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT YOU, BOY.

DON'T LISTEN TO THEM.

THEY'RE GOING TO GET YOU HURT.

I'M SHOWING OFF,YEAH, YABO, WHAT'S UP?

GOT A LITTLE BIT TOO CLOSE.

( snarling noises )

( snarling noises )

CAME HOMEWITH THAT SNOT BUBBLE CRY.

YOU EVER COME HOME,YOU GOT YOUR ASS WHIPPED SO BAD

YOU CAN'T EVEN HARDLY CRY?

YOU COME HOME...

( blubbering and whimpering )

SNOT BUBBLES POPPING...

POUF! POUF!

( blubbering and whimpering )

YOU CAN'T TALK.

YOUR MOTHER BE ALL,BOY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

YAB... YABO...

YABO, YABO, YABO...

YABBA DABBA DOO?BOY, WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HEY!

ALL MY PEEPS REPRESENTINGTO THE FULLEST, YOU KNOW!

WE GOT SOME SISTERSIN THE HOUSE...

HEY!

OH, HELL, YES!

I SEE MY NUBIAN PRINCESSESHIDING OVER THERE.

HEY!

I'M ITALIAN, BABY.

ITALIAN, BLACK--IT'S ALL THE SAME THING.

GOLD CHAINS, BIG ASSESAND CADILLACS.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

I KNOW YOU AIN'T MAD AT ME.

YOU'RE A LIGHT-SKINNED BABY

LIKE ME, BABY.

YOU MY BOO.

YOU GOT MY BACK.

I GOT YOUR BACK.YOU GOT IT.

LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING, BABY.

ONCE YOU GO WHITE,YOU MIGHT SAY, ALL RIGHT.

AHH... YEAH!

YOU DON'T KNOW,YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODY.

'CAUSE I'LL MAKE 'EM SAYUHH...

AH...

♪ NI-NA, NI-NA

♪ NI-NA, NI-NA

♪ NI-NA, NI-NA

WHITE PEOPLE LIKE,I'M CONFUSED, MARGE.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE?

HE LOOKS JEWISH,HE'S ACTING BLACK.

I'M CONFUSED.LET'S LEAVE.

SOME ( bleep ) MAY BREAK OUT.

GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL.

GOOD TO BE HOME IN NEW YORK.

GIVE ME A HAND, Y'ALL.

NEW YORK'S IN THE HOUSE!

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

MAKES ME TRULY PROUD TO BE HOME.MAKES ME FEEL TRULY BLESSED.

I REALLY FEEL BLESSED.

I ALWAYS FEEL TRULY BLESSED,BECAUSE I AM BLESSED.

I'M VERY CLOSE TO JESUS CHRIST,ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.

YOU KNOW, ME BEING ITALIAN,JESUS BEING ITALIAN.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN REAL CLOSETO HIM, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

PEOPLE ALWAYS LAUGH AT THAT.

SO DISRESPECTFUL.

YOU KNOW,YOU INSULTED HIM A LITTLE BIT.

YOU DID A LITTLE BIT.

COME ON, JESUS WASN'T ITALIAN?

IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE BIBLE,COME ON.

I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO WENTTO CATHOLIC SCHOOL, COME ON.

Y'ALL WENT TO CATH...Y'ALL KNOW, COME ON.

IT'S IN THE BIBLEIN BLACK AND WHITE.

HIS WHOLE LIFE, HE'SGOING AROUND FEEDING PEOPLE.

THAT'S NOT AN ITALIAN GUY?

LAST SUPPER, DINNER FOR 12.

THAT'S NOT AN ITALIAN HOUSE?

BREAD AND WINE,IT'S NOT AN ITALIAN MENU?

WHO ARE THE APOSTLES?

PAULEY, PETEY, NICKY, SAL

TOMMY, FRANKIE, JOHNNY...

COME ON.

THEY WERE FISHERMEN.THE FIRST LONGSHOREMEN.

THEY WERE THE FIRST UNION.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU CAN'T CONVERT PEOPLEWITHOUT BUSTING HEADS, COME ON.

NEW YORKERSDON'T APPRECIATE STEREOTYPES

ESPECIALLY ITALIAN MAFIASTEREOTYPES.

ITALIANS DON'T APPRECIATE THAT,YOU KNOW.

YOU SEE ALL THESE MAFIA MOVIES.

ITALIANS ARE ALWAYS PORTRAYEDAS ANGRY, VIOLENT PEOPLE.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE AS FAR AS ITALIANSARE CONCERNED

HEY, LISTEN,WE DON'T HURT PEOPLE

BUT PEOPLE GET HURT.

YOU KNOW? ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

YOU WALK OUTSIDE,TRIP AND FALL

ON AN ICE PICKSIX OR SEVEN TIMES, YOU KNOW?

RIGHT AWAY, THEY BLAME VINNIE.THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

COME ON. STEREOTYPES.

AT LEASTWHEN ITALIANS KILL PEOPLE

WE'RE NICE ABOUT IT,MAKE A WEEKEND OUT OF IT

A HUNTING TRIP, A FISHING TRIP,VEGAS, MIAMI-- YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T COME BACK,BUT YOU HAVE A NICE TIME.

I LOOK AT IT LIKE THAT.

I'M ON THE WEST COAST NOW.

IT'S HARD, 'CAUSEYOU DON'T HAVE FOOD OUT THERE.

WHEN I'M IN TOWN I TRY TO EATMY WEIGHT IN PIZZA

'CAUSE THEY DON'T GOT PIZZAOUT THERE.

THEY MESS UP PIZZA OUT THERE.

I USED TO WORK IN THISGOURMET PIZZA PLACE OUT THERE.

THEY HAD A VEGETARIAN PIZZA--

VEGETARIAN PIZZA,NO SAUCE, NO CHEESE.

ISN'T THAT A SALADLAST TIME I CHECKED?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S HARD WHENYOU'RE CHASING YOUR DREAMS

YOU LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD,WORK CRAPPY DAY JOBS.

I'VE WORKED IN RETAILA LONG TIME.

RETAIL IS ROUGH.

USED TO WORK ON RODEO DRIVE.IT'S THE WORST

'CAUSE PEOPLEDON'T LIKE SALESMEN, GENERALLY.

ON RODEO DRIVEEVERYBODY'S SNOBBY, YOU KNOW.

YOUR JOB IS TO GREET PEOPLEWITH THAT STUPID LOOK.

HI. HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

HI. HOW YOU DOING TODAY?RIGHT?

WHAT DOES EVERYBODY SAY?"JUST LOOKING."

RIGHT?

MOST OFTHE "JUST LOOKING" PEOPLE

ARE THE ONES THATARE TOUCHING AND MESSING

RIGHT? AFTER, LIKE, A HALF HOURI'M LIKE, BEFORE I KILL YOU

IS THERE SOMETHINGI CAN HELP YOU FIND?

NO, I'M JUST LOOKING.

NO, YOU'RE NOT JUST LOOKING.

YOU'RE JUST TOUCHINGAND JUST MESSING.

NOW JUST GET THE HELL OUT, OKAY?

BECAUSE I'LL FLEX,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BABY?

I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I'LL FLEX.

I'M TOO BLACK AND TOO STRONG.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT NOBODY,KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S MY TIME.

ANYONE HERE FROM QUEENS?

YEAH!

I USED TO LIVERIGHT BY THE BODEGA.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE BODEGA IS.

IT'S THE LITTLE LATIN STORE.

AND THEY TRY TO ACT LIKEIT'S A GROCERY STORE.

IT HAS TWO AISLES.

THE GUY ALWAYS TRIES TO HELP ME.

( Spanish accent ):"YOU LOOKING FOR THE BREAD?"

I WAS LIKE, "I CAN SEE ITRIGHT HERE, ALL RIGHT?"

HE'S LIKE,"IT'S IN AISLE TWO."

"THAT'S ALL YOU GOT.

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

EVERY BODEGA HAS A CAT.

( laughter )

EL GATO.

THIS IS A LATIN CAT.

THIS ISN'T THAT STUFFYOU SEE ON TV.

( high-pitched meowing )

NO, THIS IS A LATIN CAT.

EL GATO BEEN WORKINGIN THE BODEGA

FOR, LIKE, 30 YEARS.

AND HE WANTS TO KILLTHE TACO BELL DOG.

DON'T LIKE HIM.

AND YOU KNOW, MOST CATSYOU CAN SCARE AWAY, RIGHT?

YOU SEE A CAT ON THE STREET--"GET OUT OF HERE!"

( meowing )

NOT EL GATO.

I TRIED TO SCARE EL GATO--"GET OUT OF HERE!"

HE SAID, "YOU GET OUT OF HERE!"

"HOMBRE CHOCOLATE, I DON'T LIKE YOU!"

I WAS, LIKE, "SORRY."I LEFT, YOU KNOW.

THEN I DON'T KNOWHOW HE GOT MY NUMBER.

I WAS, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"

HE WAS ON MY CALLER I.D.

IT WAS LIKE, "EL GATO."

( laughter )

I SAID, "HELLO?"

"EL MEOW."

WHAT IN THE...?!

THEN HE CALLED BACKLIKE AN HOUR LATER--

"HELLO?"

"SAMMY SOSA!"

WHAT?! HE KNOWS ABOUT BASEBALL!

WHAT IS GOING ON?

I'M FROM CHICAGO.

YES.

YEAH. I WAS BORN IN NEBRASKA.

( laughter )

LIKE I HAD A CHOICE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, I COULD COME OUTOF MY MOM AND SAY--

OH, SORRY, MA,I WANT TO BE BORN IN BROOKLYN.

NO, THAT'S IT,YOU'RE BORN, YOU'RE BORN.

LET ME TELL YOU THE REASON--

I'M NIGERIAN, ALL RIGHT? 100%.

AND THAT'S JUST THE THINGABOUT NIGERIANS.

WHEREVER THERE'S A SCHOOL--

MY FATHERWENT TO SCHOOL OUT THERE--

WHEREVER THERE'S A SCHOOL,THERE'S A NIGERIAN, MAN.

DOESN'T MATTER.

IT COULD BE K.K.K. UNIVERSITY.

( laughter )

A NIGERIAN WILL BETHE FIRST ONE TO SIGN UP.

BUT HE'LL BE HAPPY,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

( Nigerian accent ):OH, MY GOODNESS...

( laughter )

I'M SO HAPPY.

I'M GOINGTO A VERY GREAT SCHOOL.

K.K.K. UNIVERSITY. OH!

I WAS TALKING TO MY PROFESSORTHE OTHER DAY

THE GRAND IMPERIAL WIZARD, YES.

NO, HE'S A SMART MAN.

HE'S A WIZARD.

HE TOLD ME.

HE SAID HE'S SO EXCITED.

HE CANNOT WAITTO SHOW ME THE ROPES.

OH, MY GOODNESS!

( laughter )

HE WANTS ME TO HANG AROUNDOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

AND HE INVITED ME TO A BARBECUE.

I SAID, NO, I CANNOT GO.

CAME WITH NO MONEY.

NO MONEY,NOT THIS WELFARE THING.

THAT'S NOTHING.

WELFARE IS LUXURY, HUH?

IT'S, LIKE, "I'M ON WELFARE."

( Nigerian accent ):"YOU ARE RICH."

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, THEY CAMETO THE AIRPORT NAKED.

( laughter )

THEY'RE, LIKE,"CAN WE GET ON THE PLANE?

I DON'T WANT TO SHOW YOUWHERE MY PASSPORT IS."

I'M FOR REAL.

I CAN'T EVEN COMPARE...

( laughter and applause )

GO ON, LAUGH IT UP.

I CAN'T EVEN COMPARE FINANCIALSTRUGGLES WITH MY FATHER.

I CAN'T GO, "DAD,I CAN'T GET THESE NEW NIKES.

I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY."

( Nigerian accent ):"YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEYFOR YOUR NEW NIKES.

"WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE...WE DIDN'T HAVE FEET."

( laughter and applause )

IT'S, LIKE,"BUT I WANT TO GET SOME PUMAS."

"PUMAS?!

"WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,WE HAD TO CHASE IT.

( laughter )

BUT I COULDN'T, 'CAUSE I DON'THAVE FEET, YOU KNOW?"

I WENT TO AFRICATO SEE MY GRANDPARENTS.

NIGERIA WAS NICE, YOU KNOW.

AND IT'S SO FUNNYHOW THEY SHOW AFRICANS NAKED

YOU KNOW, THE WAY THEY DO IT.

JUST THE WAY THEY DO IT.

IT'S SO... YOU KNOW..."HEY, LOOK AT THOSE AFRICANS."

( laughter )

"NO CLOTHES.

THEY'RE POOR AFRICANS."

DO YOU KNOW HOW HOTIT IS IN AFRICA?

( laughter )

HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

THE SUN IS LIKE RIGHT HERE.

THE SUN IS, LIKE,"HI. I AM THE SUN.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"

LIKE, 2,000 DEGREES RIGHT HERE.

OH, MAN, MY FATHER IS WONDERFUL.

MY PARENTSBEEN MARRIED 36 YEARS.

THEY CELEBRATED THEIR 36thANNIVERSARY OCTOBER 1.

YES, THEY DID.

( applause and cheers )

I LOVE MY PARENTS!

I LOVE THEM TO DEATH.

MY... AW, BUT MY FATHER,YOU KNOW, HE'S ABOUT THIS TALL.

NO, HE'S NOT THAT TALL.

HE'S LIKEA LITTLE ACTION FIGURE.

BUT HE HAS A STRONG VOICE;A POWERFUL VOICE.

LIKE, WHEN MY FRIENDS CALLMY PARENTS' HOUSE IN CHICAGO

AND MY FATHER PICKS UP THE PHONE

THEY THINK THEY'RETALKING TO THE LION KING.

LIKE, "UH, CAN I SPEAKTO GODFREY?"

( deep voice ):"GODFREY'S NOT HERE."

"MUFASA?

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

IT'S REALLY GREAT.

AH, NO, ESPECIALLYBECAUSE I'M BROKE.

ANYBODY ELSE?

( laughing )

I KNOW, THE WOMEN AREALWAYS SO PROUD, AREN'T WE?

SPEND EVERY DIME!

GOOD FOR YOU, THAT'S OUR JOB.

YOU CAN'T BEAT ME, THOUGH.

I'M REALLY BAD. OH, GOD, YEAH.

I GOT STUFF ON LAYAWAYAT THE DOLLAR STORE.

DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

I'M USED TO IT, THOUGH.

SEE, I'M FROM A BIG FAMILY.

YEAH, WELL, NOT BY IRISHSTANDARDS-- ONLY SIX KIDS.

THAT'S LIKE FRIGID FOR IRISH,ISN'T IT?

OH, YEAH.

BUT WE MADE UP FOR IT,THOUGH, OKAY.

BECAUSE ALL SIX KIDSAND MY MOM AND DAD--

GET THIS-- FLAMING RED HAIR.

NO, NO.IT SOUNDS CUTE?

NO!

THAT'S LIKE BEINGIN A FREAK SHOW.

WE WERE SO RIDICULOUS, WE EVENHAD AN IRISH SETTER, TOO.

YOU GETTING THE PICTURE?

HALLOWEEN WAS A WASTE OF TIME.

WELL, WHO THE HELL DIDN'T KNOWIT WAS US?

SIX LITTLE CHUCKIES COMING UPTO YOUR FRONT DOOR.

YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND'SGOT A HAIR PROBLEM, TOO.

NO, HE'S NOT GOING BALD.

I'M PRAYING FOR THAT,OKAY. YEAH.

HE'S EVOLVINGINTO ANOTHER SPECIES.

YEAH.

NO, HE'S ONE OF THE TERMINALLYHAIRY.

EWW, EWW.

NO, IT IS, IT'S TERMINAL.

BECAUSE SOME DAY IT WILLALL JUST GROW OVER

AND HE'LL SUFFOCATE.

AND IN THE MEANTIME, I MUST GOTO THE BEACH WITH THIS CREATURE.

HE LOOKS LIKE A TUMBLEWEEDWITH EYES, LAYING THERE.

KIDS ARE FRIGHTENED,YOU KNOW.

REALLY. PEOPLE TALK LIKE

"OH, LOOK, LOOK, SHE PUT HER DOGIN A BATHING SUIT."

( laughter and applause )

AND WE'RE TRYING SO HARDTO HAVE KIDS, TOO, RIGHT.

SO, YEAH, I WAS THRILLED.

I THOUGHT I WASFINALLY PREGNANT.

NO. IT WAS A HAIR BALL.

YES.

YEAH, IT HURT.

THAT'S RIGHT, WE KEPT IT.

IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM.WHAT THE HELL.

WITH MY HUSBAND...

( laughter )

IS WEARING LINGERIETHAT HE HAS PICKED OUT.

TRY TO AVOID THIS ADVENTURE,ALL RIGHT.

BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL,LET ME EXPLAIN.

I HATE LINGERIE TO BEGIN WITH.

RIGHT, GIRLS?YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THEY THINK WE LOVE THIS STUFF.

NOW, I'VE GOT ONE WORD FORVALENTINE'S DAY, GUYS: JEWELRY.

YOU GOT THAT?

WRITE IT DOWN, WRITE IT DOWN,WRITE IT DOWN.

BUT HE'S NOT HAPPY, RIGHT.

IT'S A MARRIAGE.

SO I SAY,"LOOK, YOU PICK OUT THE OUTFIT

AND I'LL WEAR IT."

ALL RIGHT, NEVER THINKING THATHE'D COME HOME WITH THIS OUTFIT

MY FRIENDS, ALL RIGHT...WITH THE BLINKING CUPS.

OH, I WAS NEVER MORE PROUD.

YEAH, ELECTRIC BLINKING CUPS.

NOW, HOW IS THAT EXCITING, SIR?

YEAH, I MEAN, ELECTRIC.

I WAS AFRAID TO SWEAT.

HE SAYS,"HONEY, YOU SEEM TENSE."

I SAID, "WELL, UNPLUG ME...

BIG, HAIRY PERVERT."

LISTEN, GUYS

WE WOULD NOT MIND EVER DOINGTHIS STUFF FOR YOU

IF, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST ONCEYOU'D RETURN THE FAVOR.

YEAH. RIGHT, WOMEN?

( cheers and applause )

WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?

WE WOULD LOVE ITIF YOU WOULD DRESS UP FOR US

BUT YOU NEVER DO. WHY?

WE BUY YOU LITTLE OUTFITS.

YOU PUT THEM ON THE DOG. WHY?

WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?

YOU'RE WITH HIM, YEAH?

COULDN'T YOU SEE HIM IN LITTLECOWBOY CHAPS WITH NO BACK?

LITTLE LASSO,CHASE ME, CHASE ME!

HMM... I'M YOUR HORSE WHISPERER.

OH, I'M ALL EARS.

OH, YEAH.

LOOK, GUYS, WE KNOW YOU TRY.

IT'S SAD, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?YEAH.

DID YOU EVER SEE A GUY WHOTHINKS HE'S DRESSED UP FOR YOU?

OH, VERY SENSUOUS.

YOU EVER SEE A GUY WHO THINKSHE'S IN LINGERIE?

YEAH, THE BOXER SHORTS AND THE BLACK SOCKS.

( applause )

"THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY.

OH, I'M SHOWING NO MERCYTONIGHT."

PLEASE, I'M ONLY HUMAN.

( laughter )

( audience cheering lasciviously )

( whistling )

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( pedal clicking )

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( laughter )

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( plays melodic scale )

( audience cheering )

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( laughter )

( playing intro to "The Entertainer" )

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( applause )

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( laughter )

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( ending song )

( cheering and applause )

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