November 18, 2015 - Ben Carson's Map & Emojis

  • 11/18/2015

Ben Carson releases a bungled map of the U.S., and Larry talks emoji etiquette with Ty Dolla $ign, Robin Thede and Rory Albanese.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Larry: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE SO KIND.

VERY KIND, PLEASE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME "THE NIGHTLY SHOW."

I LOVE YOU TOO.

I DO.

ESPECIALLY ALL MY BALD GUYS OUT THERE.

WE'RE IN BALD SOLIDARITY.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW.

TY DOLLA SIGN JOINS US ON THE PANEL TONIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]GUYS, FIRST THERE'S SOME

SHOCKING NEWS.

>> I'M SUSPENDING MY CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES.

>> Larry: THAT'S RIGHT I KNOW.

MOST PEOPLE WERE SURPRISED BOBBYJINDAL WAS EVEN RUNNING FOR

PRESIDENT.

I'M TELLING YOU GUYS, WE NEED TOMAKE THIS GUY A SPY.

HE'S LIKE MASTERED INVISIBILITY.

SEE, HE'S GONE

IN REAL POLITICAL NEWS BEN CARSON'S CAMPAIGN --

[LAUGHTER]>> Larry: IN SHOW OF SUPPORT FOR

THE GOVERNORS SAYING NO TO SYRIAN REFUGEES RELEASED THIS

MAP OF SIMPATICO STATES.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THE SUPPORT BUT I'M GOING

TO NEED EVERYBODY TO TAKE A MUCHCLOSER LOOK AT THE MAP.

LOOK CLOSELY AT THE NORTHEAST.

OKAY.

WHAT?

SINCE WHEN IS VERMONT SOUTH OF MASSACHUSETTS?

AND SHAPED LIKE A HANDGUN?

OR IS IT JUST GUN-SYLVANIA?

AND MAINE AND NEW HAMPSHIRE I GUESS HAVE BEEN SOLD TO CANADA

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE RIGHT NOW.

WHAT THE [BLEEP], RIGHT?

I'M SORRY, DR. CARSON DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY GOD

MADE THE EARTH?

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO FIND A MAP THIS WRONG IF I

WANTED TO BUT I KNOW WHERE TO FIND ONE THAT'S RIGHT, LITERALLY

ANYWHERE ELSE.

SERIOUSLY, LOOK HOW OFF THE CARSON MAP IS COMPARED TO AN

ACTUAL MAP.

LOOK AT THAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Larry: HOW DOES THIS EVEN

HAPPEN, YOU GUYS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRAW FREEHAND.

YOU COULD HAVE TRACED ONE.

HAVE GIFTED HANDS.

COULD HAVE DONE IT IN YOUR SLEEP.

GOOD -- WHAT WAS THE ATTENTION TO DETAIL WHEN HE WAS PRACTICING

DID PATIENTS WAKE UP POST SURGERY AND HAVE AN EAR ON THEIR

FOOT?

I WALKED INTO HIS OFFICE FOR BRAIN SURGERY AND SAW A MAP LIKE

THAT I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, I'M TAKE MY CHANCES WITH THE BRAIN

TUMOR."

>> A "THE NEW YORK TIMES" ARTICLE QUOTES ONE OF HIS

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISORS AS SAYING CARSON CANT GET ONE IOTA

OF INTELLIGENT INFORMATION ABOUTTHE MIDDLE EAST AND NEEDED

WEEKLY BRIEFINGS ON FOREIGN POLICY SO QUOTE, WE CAN MAKE HIM

SMART.>> Larry: HUNDRED BUCKS SAYS YOU

CAN'T. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN HISMAP? AND THE CRAZY PART

IS THE AIDE WENT ON THE RECORDWITH THE CRITICISM

SO GUYS, HE PUBLICLY THREW HIS CANDIDATE UNDER THE BUS AND WANT

US ALL TO KNOW IT.

THAT'S HOW [BLEEP] CRAZY HE THINKS BEN CARSON IS.

HE'S TRYING TO SAVE AMERICA.

HE'S A PATRIOT.

A PATRIOT.

OKAY.

SO FOR WE GO TO ANOTHER ADVISOR ON THE CARSON CAMPAIGN, PLEASE

WELCOME JAN McMAHON.

SORRY.

>> I GET IT ALL THE TIME, JAN THE MAN.

THAT'S MY NAME.

>> Larry: WHY DID DR. CARSON PUT OUT SUCH A RIDICULOUS MAP?

>> NO, IT'S A GREAT MAP, LARRY.

HE PICKED IT OUT HIMSELF AND WE AT TEAM CARSON STAND BEHIND IT.

>> Larry: YOU GOT FIVE STATES WRONG.

I MEAN AS A TOP AIDE HOW DO YOUNOT TELL HIM THE MAP IS SCREWED

UP?

>> I DON'T WANT TO GET STABBED.OF COURSE THE MAP'S AWFUL!

VERMONT AND NEW HAMPSHIRE ARESUPPOSED TO BE CONJOINED AND

HE SEPARATED THEM. YOU WANT TOBE THE GUY TO TELL HIM?

HE [BLEEP] STABS PEOPLE.

>> Larry: HE DID THAT WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER.

WHY'S YOUR CAMPAIGN LEAKING NEGATIVE COMMENTS?

>> BECAUSE WE'RE TRYING TO GET FIRED BEFORE WE GET STABBED,

LARRY.

>> Larry: I STILL THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING TO THE STABBING

THING.

>> HE'S BACK.

OKAY, OKAY.

HOLD ON.

OKAY.

WATCH IT.

>> Larry: IS THAT BEN -- >> NO, ANOTHER BLACK GUY

STABBING PEOPLE.

OF COURSE IT'S BEN CARSON.

BELT! BELT! GET BACK.

GET BACK.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

BELTS ARE -- IT'S LIKE A CROSSTO THE VAMPIRE.

>> Larry: THAT'S CRAZY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST QUIT THE CAMPAIGN?

>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION BUT THE ANSWER'S SIMPLE.

OH, MY -- HE GOT ME.

>> Larry: OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS HORRIBLE.

>> HOW BAD IS IT?

>> Larry: GET A DOCTOR.

>> CARSON 2016.

>> Larry: JAN McMAHON EVERYBODY.

OH, MY GOSH.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

HORRIBLE.

OKAY.

I HOPE HE'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

WE'LL CHECK IN WITH HIM AT ANOTHER TIME IN THE CAMPAIGN.

BIG NEWS IN THE DICTIONARY WORLD.

THE OXFORD DICTIONARY ANNOUNCED THE WORD OF THE YEAR FOR 2015

THE DECISION MAY MAKE YOU CRY.

>> OXFORD DICTIONARY HAS CHOSEN THIS EMOJI AS THE WORD OF THE

YEAR, IT MEANS L-O-L.

>> Larry: DID WE NEED A SHORTERWAY TO SAY L-O-L OR HAS TYPING

THREE LETTERS BECOME TOO TAXING FOR OUR OBESE DORITO FINGERS.

WHICH REMINDS ME, NACHO DUST.

THEY CHOSE IT OVER FINALISTSSUCH AS DARK WEB, LUMBERSEXUAL,

THEY CHOSE IT OVER FINALISTSSUCH AS DARK WEB, LUMBERSEXUAL,

AND REFUGEE. NOT EVENDICTIONARIES DON'T WANT TO TAKE

IN REFUGEES. HEY, I DON'T WORKFOR OXFORD.

>> THEY SAID EMOJIS EMBODY ACORE ASPECT OF THE DIGITALWORLD.

>> AND THEY CAPTURE THE MOOD OF 2015.

>> Larry: THE MOOD OF 2015?

2015 HAS NOT BEEN A TEARS OF JOYYEAR.

IF EMOJIS AREN'T WORDS -- >> BOOOO.

>> Larry: WHO IS THAT?

>> I'M [BLEEP], LARRY.

>> Larry: WHO?

>> I'M THE POOP EMOJI AND IF ANYEMOJI DESERVES WORD OF THE YEAR

IT'S ME.

>> Larry: WHAT MAKES YOU BETTER THAN FACELESS TEARS OF JOY?

>> 2015 WAS A TERRIBLE YEAR THE ONLY PEOPLE TEXTING TEARS OF JOY

IN 2015 WERE SADISTS.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERN THE MOST IMPORTANT EMOJI OF 2015 IS

[BLEEP].

>> NOT SO FAST.

>> Larry: WHO ARE YOU?>> I'M PRAYER HANDS

>> TO SAY YOU DON'T KNOW ME WOULD BE A SIN.

>> Larry: I THINK MY DAUGHTER TEXTED YOU WHEN I GOT HER

BEYONCE TICKETS.>> AH YES,

>> I'M ALWAYS HERE TOAWKWARDLY BRING RELIGION INTO

IT. I THINK I SHOULD BE OXFORD'S CHOICE.

>> SHUT UP YOU [BLEEP].

>> DOES SOMEONE SAY [BLEEP]?

>> Larry: WHO IS THAT?

>> EGGPLANT.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW MELARRY.

YOU USE [BLEEP] ALL THE TIME.

YOU SLIDE ME INTO THOSE DMs.

>> Larry: SURELY YOU DON'T THINKYOU SHOULD BE IN THE DICTIONARY.

>> YOU CAN'T SAY DICTIONARY WITHOUT SHOUTING ME OUT.

THIS SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED A LONGTIME AGO EVEN IF IT'S JUST AN

ATTEMPT FOR THE OXFORDDICTIONARY TO STAY RELEVANT.

I WISH THERE WAS A QUICK WAY TO EXPRESS HOW IMPRESSED I AM WITH

MYSELF.

>> Larry: ALL RIGHT.

EMOJIS EVERYONE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

THE NIGHTLY SHOW CONTRIBUTOR ROCHY ALBANESE AND ROBIN THEDE

AND HIS LATEST ALBUM IN STORES NOW RAPPER TY DOLLAR SIGN.

FOR EVERYONE AT HOME JOIN THE CONVERSATION ON TWITTER USING HE

#NIGHTLY.

THE OXFORD DICTIONARY CHOSE THE WORD OF YEAR OF THE TEARS OF JOY

EMOJI.

LET'S SHOW IT AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]>> THAT'S THE WRONG NAME FOR IT.

>> Larry: IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S AN PAIN ACTUALLY.

ARE EMOJIS DUMBING DOWN OR COMMUNICATION OR MAKING IT FUN?

>> I THINK THERE'S A COMPONENT THAT'S FUN ESPECIALLY LIKE THE

OPPOSITE SEX.

>> SEXTING OR TEXTING?

>> Larry: TEXTING.

>> I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE EGGPLANT.

I'M AN EGGPLANT GUY.

THAT'S FUNNY EVERY TIME.

>> YOU DON'T WANT THE CRYING LAUGHING ONE WHEN YOU'RE

SEXTING.

>> Larry: WHAT WOULD THAT MEAN?

>> TEARS OF JOY IS NOT THE RIGHTNAME FOR THAT EMOJI.

IT'S CRYING LAUGHING.

THAT'S CRYING LAUGHING.

IT'S NOT TEARS OF JOY.

YOU DON'T COME HOME FROM AFGHANISTAN AND SEE SOMEONE TRIP

ON THE SUBWAY.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

>> IF YOU'RE HUSBAND HOME COMES FROM AFGHANISTAN AND YOU GREET

HIM WITH AN EMOJI YOU'RE AN [BLEEP].

UP YOUR GAME.

>> DO YOU THINK THEY CAUSE MORE PROBLEMS?

>> Larry: APPLE GOT IN TROUBLE COMING OUT WAY BLACK EMOJI AND

THEN BLACK PEOPLE GET TOUCHY ABOUT THAT.

IF YOU SEND A BLACK EMOJI -- LIKE A THUMB'S UP FROM A WHITE

PERSON AND THEN THERE'S THE BLACK EMOJI.

>> I USE BLACK THUMB'S UP ALL THE TIME.

>> I TOLD YOU YOU CAN'T DO THAT>> IT'S MY PHONE.

IT'S MY SPACE.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUTTHAT.

>> Larry: A BLACK THUMB'S UP LIKE HEY, DOLLA, WHAT'S UP, MAN.

>> THEY MADE THE BLACK ONE FORUS

>> DID THEY?

>> Larry: DOES THAT MEAN YOU CANONLY SEND THE BLACK ONE ONE WAY

OR WHAT IF IT COMES BACK BUT HEY, YOU SENT IT TO ME.

>> DEPENDS ON WHO YOU SENT IT TO.

AND BLACK PEOPLE GOT KNOW YOU HAVE TO MATCH YOUR SHADE.

>> Larry: THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

>> I CAN ONLY USE THE SECOND ONEBARELY.

[LAUGHTER]>> I LOVE IN THE SUMMERTIME

YOU'RE LIKE I CAN UP MY SHADE.

>> NUMBER THREE.

>> I WAS AT THE BEACH, I'M GOINGWITH THE NUMBER THREE.

IS THERE AN ASIAN ONE ALSO?

WHAT DID THEY DO FOR THAT?

>> DON'T BACK ME INTO A RACIST ANSWER.

>> Larry: YOU CAN BE INDIAN, ASIAN, HISPANIC.

>> THERE'S VARIATIONS.

>> Larry: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONE TO SEND?

>> YOU GET TO CHOOSE.

WHATEVER IS CLOSEST TO YOUR SHADE THAN THAT'S COOL.

>> Larry: THE PROBLEM IS IT FEELS LIKE IT'S MAKING THINGS

MORE RACIST.

>> I'M A PRIVILEGED WHITE GUY AND HAD EMOJIS FROM DAY ONE.

I GET IT.

I'VE NOT WALKED A DAY IN EMOJILESS SHOES.

>> IS THIS LIKE A LAZY WAY OF REPLYING.

>> Larry: DO YOU THINK WE TEXTTOO MUCH? WE NEVER TALK ON

THE PHONE ANYMORE.

>> SOMETIMES. I CALL FAMILY.

OTHER PEOPLE I TEXT.

>> MONEY OR FAMILY.

>> Larry: WHAT'S THE LONGEST TEXT LIKE THREE WORDS, ONE

SENTENCE?

>> DEPENDS HOW BAD YOU ARE.

>> Larry: OKAY.

SO A LONG SENTENCE OR ONE WORD?

>> DEPENDS WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO.

IF IT'S SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT YOU MIGHT SEND A STORY.

>> Larry: YOU SEND LONG TEXT.

>> SHE SURE DOES.

>> Larry: I'M SENDING YOU THREE BLACK EMOJIS THUMBS UP RIGHT

NOW.

>> I HAVE SENT THEM WHEN THEY'RENECESSARY.

I'M SCARED OF LONG TEXTS.

IF I SEE A REAL LONG TEXT SOMEONE'S CURSING ME OUT OR A

TELEMARKETER.

>> Larry: YOU GET TEXTED BY TELEMARKETERS?

>> THE MOST ELEGANT ONE IS YOU, UP, QUESTION MARK, EGGPLANT,

QUESTION MARK.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> MAYBE I'M MAKING EGGPLANT PARMESAN AND GETTING A TEXT.

>> Larry: SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE POOP EMOJI?

[LAUGHTER] IS IT AN EXCLAMATION POINT.

>> PEOPLE USE IT DIFFERENT WAYS.

>> IT'S USED A LOT.

>> ALL THE TIME.

>> IT MEANS [BLEEP], [BLEEP] OR [BLEEP].

IT CONVEYS SO MANY EMOTIONS IN AHAPPY POOP.

>> AND THERE'S NO RULES.

YOU CAN DO THINGS WITH AN EMOJI YOU WOULDN'T SAY IN PERSON LIKE

I JUST COOKED THE [BLEEP] OUT OFTHIS MEAL AND THEN YOU PUT POOP

AND FOOD NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN ATEXT IS SOMETHING YOU WOULD NOT

DO IN PERSON.

>> Larry: THAT'S A HEALTH CODE VIOLATION.

I'M A FUSSY PERSON.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE EMOJI.

>> THE 100 IS THE MOST FREQUENT.

>> OR THE TEARS.

LAUGHING AT PEOPLE.

>> MY FAVORITE IS I LIKE THE TWINS FROM THE SHINING THE ONES

IN THE LEOTARDS.

>> Larry: I WISH THEY HAD A BEN CARSON ONE THAT COULD DETATCH

THEM. THAT COULD BE COOL.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ONE?

>> THE EGGPLANT.

>> EGGPLANT SQUIRTY. HEY THEWHOLE POINT HERE IS TO KEEP IT

100. SHE ASKED MY FAVORITE.

I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS CLASSY.

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> Larry: MAYBE 200 ON THAT ONE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

NOW WE HAVE TO PLAY A LITTLE GAME I'M GOING TO HOLD UP A

SERIES OF EMOJI MESSAGES.

TELL ME WHAT THEY MEAN.

>> APPLEBEE'S.

>> I GET THAT.

>> Larry: THIS ONE THIS IS SIMPLE.

>> THAT IS AIR FORCE ONE.

[LAUGHTER]>> Larry: THERE YOU GO.

>> [BLEEP] AND DIE.

>> Larry: YOU GOT IT.

EAT [BLEEP] AND DIE.

RIGHT THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

>> [BLEEP] [BLEEP].

>> Larry: NO, NO.

>> [BLEEP].

NO PANTIES.

>> OH, OH, NO PANTIES ON.

[LAUGHTER]>> Larry: THAT'S MY POINT.

THAT'S JUST A BUNCH OF [BLEEP].

I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GOT IN THERE.

THIS IS A GOOD ONE.

>> [BLEEP].

>> Larry: OKAY.

THIS ONE'S REALLY HARD.

>> ALL RIGHT.

ONE FIRE, SCREAM.

>> Larry: I HAVE TO HELP YOU OUT.

>> IT'S A BABY AND LET ME EXPLAIN.

FLEEK.

>> Larry: HOW DID YOU GUYS NOT GET THAT ONE.

LAST ONE.

YOU HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT.

>> I GOT THIS ONE.

THIS IS PEOPLE SHOULDN'T USE EMOJIS BECAUSE [BLEEP].

>> YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

>> Larry: I THINK THAT WAS HIS STORY.

>> THE MEANS OF LIFE.

>> Larry: NO, THE PLOT TO BACK TO THE FUTURE.

[LAUGHTER]>> Larry: THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.