Comedy Central Presents
Season 1

CC Presents: Lewis Black

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 12/21/1998

I'M ECSTATIC.

FIRST, EL NINO, THEN LA NINA.

NO WONDER YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.

THE WEATHER IS OUT OF CONTROLTHROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE COUNTRY.

WHEREVER YOU GO, ONE DAY IT'S 90

THEN IT'S 30, THEN IT'S 80,THEN IT'S 20

AND MY BALLS CAN'T TAKE IT.

BIG AND THEN SMALL,BIG, SMALL, BIG-SMALL-BIG...

( laughter and applause )

APPARENTLY, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS'CAUSE MY SPERM ARE GAGGING.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE WEATHEROR THE WEATHERMEN, OKAY?

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, INNEW YORK CITY, WE HAD A BLIZZARD

AND OUR WEATHERMAN AT THE TIMEWAS AL ROKER.

YOU KNOW AL. OKAY?

HE PREDICTED,BEFORE THE BLIZZARD--

WHICH IS AN EMERGENCY CONDITION,BY THE WAY--

HE PREDICTED WE WOULD HAVE

FOUR TO TWELVE INCHES OF SNOW.

WE HAD 36 INCHES OF SNOW.

NOW, GIVING HIMTHE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

HE'S TWO FEET OFF.

THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.

IF YOU WERE A ROOFER

AND YOU BUILT A ROOF,AND IT WAS TWO FEET OFF

YOU'D STILL BE IN PRISON.

( laughter )

WHAT DOES THE WORD"METEOROLOGIST" MEAN IN ENGLISH?

IT MEANS LIAR.

( laughter )

AND WHAT'S THE BEST JOBYOU CAN POSSIBLY HAVE?

IT'S BEING THE WEATHERMANIN SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA.

IT DOES NOT GETANY BETTER THAN THAT.

YOU'VE GOT A SIX-FIGURE INCOME.

YOU'RE ON TVFOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS.

PEOPLE GO, "WHAT'S THE WEATHERGOING TO BE LIKE, LEW?"

"NICE."

( laughter )

"BACK TO YOU."

( laughter and applause )

WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL

AND THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONGTEN YEARS AGO.

I WAS IN BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTSIN FEBRUARY, OKAY?

NORMALLY, IN FEBRUARY, IN BOSTON

AND IN MOST OF THE COUNTRY

THE WEATHER IS GRAY, RAINY GRAY

SLEET GRAY, RAIN GRAY,SLEET, SNOW GRAY...

EVERY DAY IT JUST GETS GRAYERAND GRAYER AND GRAYER.

YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY

AND YOU GO,"I'M NOT COMING TO WORK."

YOUR BOSS GOES,"WHY NOT? YOU SICK?"

"NO! IT'S TOO GRAY."

I DON'T KNOWIF IT'S DAWN OR DUSK.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHY THE SUN BOTHERS TO COME OUT.

AND THEN YOU WAKE UP

AND IT'S THE GRAYEST DAYYOU'VE EVER SEEN.

AND THE NEXT DAY,IT'S EVEN GRAYER.

AND THAT'S USUALLYVALENTINE'S DAY

AND THAT'S THE DAYYOU LOOK AT YOUR WRISTS

AND GO, "HEY, MAYBE I SHOULDSLIT THEM TO SEE COLOR."

BUT IN THAT...THAT FEBRUARY IN BOSTON

IN FOUR DAYS,I EXPERIENCED FIVE SEASONS.

IT WAS 30, IT WAS 60,IT WAS 90, IT WAS 12.

ON THE LAST DAY

THERE WAS THUNDER, LIGHTNINGAND SNOW... TOGETHER.

AND I HADN'T DONE DRUGS.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RELYING IN BED, OKAY...

AND YOU HEAR THUNDER OUTSIDE

AND YOU GET UP TO LOOK,YOU HAVE AN EXPECTATION

THAT IT'S NOT SNOWWITH LIGHTNING BEHIND IT.

THAT'S...

NOT RIGHT.

THEY DON'T EVEN WRITE ABOUT THATKIND OF WEATHER IN THE BIBLE.

AND I IMAGINE IF A PROPHETHAD SEEN THAT KIND OF WEATHER

AFTER HE WIPED THE POOPOUT OF HIS PANTS

HE'D HAVE TOLD US ABOUT IT.

I WAS SUPPOSEDTO WORK THAT NIGHT.

I SAID, "I'M NOT COMING IN.I'M SCARED TO DEATH."

'CAUSE I KNOW WHAT THE NEXTSEASON'S GOING TO BE:

LOCUSTS.

AND THERE WILL COME A TIME--MARK MY WORDS--

WHERE THERE WILL BE A SEASON

OF JUST GREAT BIG GIANT FROGSTHAT FALL FROM THE SKY.

OH, YEAH, LOOK AT MELIKE I'M NUTS.

YOU'LL SEE WILLARD SCOTT...

WILLARD SCOTT--HE SMILES SO MUCH

I DON'T THINKHE HAS A CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM.

WILLARD SCOTT'LL BE STANDING INFRONT OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT

DRESSED IN A CHIPMUNK OUTFIT

AND FROGS'LL BE BOUNCINGOFF HIS HEAD.

AND HE'LL BE GOING,"GIANT FROGS, GIANT FROGS.

WHAT CAN I SAY? BACK TO YOU."

( laughter and applause )

AND EVERYBODY KNOWSWHY THE WEATHER IS SCREWED UP.

IT'S CAUSE WE LOSTTHE OZONE LAYER.

WELL, IF WE LOST THE OZONE LAYER

WHY DIDN'T WE PUT ITON MILK CARTONS

AND TRY TO FIND IT?

IT'S ABSOLUTELY STUPID

THAT WE LIVEWITHOUT AN OZONE LAYER.

WE HAVE MEN, WE'VE GOT ROCKETS,WE'VE GOT SARAN WRAP.

FIX IT!

AND DON'T COME BACK TILL YOU DO.

THE ONLY THINGTHAT WE'VE COME UP WITH

TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THATWE DON'T HAVE AN OZONE LAYER

IS SUNBLOCK...

AND I DON'T TRUST THAT STUFFAT ALL, OKAY?

WHY? BECAUSE THE PEOPLEWHO TOLD US ABOUT SUNBLOCK

ARE THE SAME PEOPLEWHO SAID EGGS ARE GOOD.

AND THEN THEY SAIDEGGS WERE BAD...

AND THEN THEY SAIDEGGS WERE GOOD.

THEN THEY SAID THEY WERE BAD.

THEN THEY SAIDTHE YELLOWS ARE ACTUALLY BAD

BUT THE WHITES ARE...MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

IT'S BREAKFAST! I'VE GOT TO EAT!

YOU'LL FIND OUT ABOUT SUNBLOCKIN A NUMBER OF YEARS.

YOU'LL FIND OUT THAT THAT'STHE REASON YOU HAD CHOLESTEROL.

THEY'LL GO,"IT WASN'T THE STEAK.

IT WAS THE SUNBLOCK."

I DON'T USE...I DON'T USE SUNBLOCK.

WHAT I USE IS CRISCO.

IT'S THE BEST.

YOU CAN GET A TUB OF IT.

IT COSTS ABOUT A BUCK TEN.

YOU CAN SHARE ITWITH EVERYBODY AT THE BEACH.

AND THE GREAT THING ABOUT CRISCOIS YOU NEVER GET BURNED.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU START TO SIZZLE,YOU MOVE YOUR ASS.

DON'T GET A FLU SHOT, OKAY?

EVERY YEAR, IT'S THE SAME THING:

THEY SCARE PEOPLEINTO GETTING FLU SHOTS.

EVERY YEARIT'S THE WORST FLU EVER.

IT'S COMING OUR WAY.

( blubbers )

EVEN AS I'M SPEAKING

THERE'S A GUY GETTING ON A BOATIN FORMOSA

HE DIDN'T WIPE HIMSELF PROPERLYAND HE'S COMING OUR WAY.

HE'LL GET OFF THAT BOAT

AND HE'LL START SHAKING HANDSWITH EVERYBODY

AND BOOM! THE FLU SEASONIS RUINED.

LAST YEAR, THEY SCARED MEINTO GETTING A FLU SHOT.

WHAT YOU GOT TO REALIZE

WHEN YOU GET A FLU SHOTIS THIS:

WHAT IT DOES,IT GIVES YOU A COLD.

EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UPAND GO ( snorting )

"I GOT A COLD!"

BUT YOU NEVER GET THE FLU'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS GOT A COLD.

I LIKE THE COLD, THOUGH

'CAUSE I GET TO TAKEMY FAVORITE DRUG

WHICH IS NYQUIL.

( applause and cheers )

I LOVE THAT STUFF.

WHAT'S THE MATTERWITH THE REST OF YOU?

WHAT DO YOU TAKE, ROBITUSSIN?

NON-NARCOTIC, SISSY PANSY.

NYQUIL IS 180-PROOF.

IT'S THE MOONSHINE OF MEDICINE.

WHY WOULD YOU BOTHERWITH ANYTHING ELSE?

YOU KIDDING ME?

WHEN I GOT A COLD,I WANT SOMETHING

THAT'S GOING TO SCREW ME UP

'CAUSE THAT WAY,THE BLUR SEEMS INTERESTING.

NYQUIL COMES IN TWO COLORS:

RED AND GREEN.

IT'S THE ONLY THINGON THE PLANET

THAT TASTES LIKE RED AND GREEN.

THE NICE THING ABOUT ITBEING RED AND GREEN IS

THOSE ARE CHRISTMAS COLORS

AND I'M GOINGTO TELL YOU SOMETHING:

IT MAKES A DANDY EGGNOG.

OH, YEAH, SURE, AT FIRST...

I HAD A PARTY LAST YEAR.

MY FRIENDS WERE UPSET.

THEY DIDN'T LIKE THE TASTE,BUT AFTER A COUPLE OF HOURS

WE HAD A SLEEPOVER!

THERE'S A DAYTIME NYQUIL,THERE'S A NIGHTTIME NYQUIL.

DRINK EITHER ONE YOU WANT,OKAY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE COLD DOESN'T CAREWHAT TIME IT IS!

GOD, THESE PEOPLE ARE STUPID!

I ONCE GOT...

I ONCE GOT TO A POINT

WHERE I ALMOST SNAPPED

SO YOU CAN IMAGINEWHAT THAT WAS LIKE.

I HAD JUST ABOUT HAD IT

SO I WENT TO A PLACETO CALM DOWN.

I WENT TO MY HEALTH CLUB...

THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSEOF PANCAKES.

THERE'S NO REASON

TO BODYBUILD, NONE.

THAT'S WHY GOD GAVE US

THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSEOF PANCAKES

'CAUSE YOU'LL ALWAYS FEEL GOODABOUT YOUR BODY

WHEN YOU GO THERE,NO MATTER WHAT YOUR BODY IS

BECAUSE THERE'SALWAYS SOMEONE THERE

THAT WEIGHTS 350 POUNDS MORETHAN YOU'LL EVER WEIGH.

IT'S GUARANTEED.

IT'S ON THE BACK OF THE MENU.

READ IT SOMETIME.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT ITTHE BEST IS

THEY DON'T GIVE YOUA CUP OF COFFEE THERE.

THEY GIVE YOU A THINGCALLED A "HOGGLE" OF COFFEE

THAT'S THIS BIG.

EVEN IF YOU'RE ALONE,YOU GET THIS BIG JUG OF COFFEE

WHICH MAKES ME FEEL GOOD

'CAUSE I THINK MAYBE SOMEBODY'SCOMING AND I DON'T KNOW WHO.

SO I PUT IN THE MILKAND THE SUGAR

AND I DRANK THE WHOLE THINGAND THEN I GO

"BRING ME SOME PANCAKES!"

THAT WAS WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE!

AND YOU NEED A LOT OF PANCAKES

'CAUSE I GOT SIX SYRUPSON THE TABLE

AND I GOT TO USEEVERY ONE OF THEM.

SO I FINISHED THE MEAL

AND I WAS DRINKINGTHE BOYSENBERRY--

WELL, BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKETHE EDGE OFF THE COFFEE--

WHEN FROM BEHIND ME,A YOUNG WOMAN OF 25

UTTERED THE FOLLOWING:

IT WAS THE DUMBEST THINGI EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE

UNTIL DAN QUAYLE WAS ELECTED

THE VICE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES.

SHE SAID, "IF IT WEREN'TFOR MY HORSE

I WOULDN'T HAVE SPENTTHAT YEAR IN COLLEGE."

I'M GOING TO REPEAT THATBECAUSE IT BEARS REPEATING.

"IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE..."

AS IN, GIDDYAP, GIDDYAP,LET'S GO--

"...I WOULDN'T HAVE SPENTTHAT YEAR IN COLLEGE"

WHICH IS A DEGREE-GRANTINGINSTITUTION.

DON'T, DON'T THINKABOUT THAT SENTENCE

FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES

OR BLOOD WILL SHOOTOUT YOUR NOSE.

THE AMERICAN MEDICAL PROFESSIONDOES NOT KNOW WHY

WE GET AN ANEURYSM.

AN ANEURYSM IS WHENA BLOOD VESSEL BURSTS

IN YOUR HEADFOR NO APPARENT REASON.

THERE IS A REASON!

YOU GO TO THE MALL ONE DAYWITH YOUR FRIENDS.

SOMEBODY OVER THERE SAYS

THE DUMBEST THINGYOU'VE EVER HEARD

AND IT GOES IN YOUR EAR.

NOW, YOU TURN AROUNDTO SEE IF YOUR FRIENDS HEARD IT

BUT YOUR FRIENDS ARE OVER THEREAND THEY'RE PRETENDING

THAT THEY'RE GOING TO BUYA CELLULAR PHONE.

AND THEY'RE NOT GOINGTO BUY A CELLULAR PHONE

BECAUSE THESE IDIOTSDON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT THE RATE STRUCTURE MEANS.

SO YOU TURN BACK TO SEEWHO SAID IT

BECAUSE IF YOU TALK TO THEMAND ASK THEM

"WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

BUT THEY'RE GONE.

AND NOW THOSE WORDSARE IN YOUR HEAD.

AND THEY STAY THERE.

THEY DON'T GO AWAY.

I KNOW YOU THINKYOU'RE DRIVING TO WORK

BUT YOU'RE NOTDRIVING TO WORK.

ALL YOU'RE BRAIN'S THINKING IS

"IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE,IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY HORSE."

YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE DINNERWITH YOUR FAMILY

AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVINGDINNER, BUT IT'S NOT.

IT'S GOING, "HOW DID YOUGET INTO COLLEGE WITH A HORSE?"

IT'S LIKE A MOBIUS STRIPIN YOUR HEAD.

IT JUST GOES OVERAND OVER AND OVER.

FOR SEVEN DAYS,THAT'S ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE THINKINGABOUT IT

BUT YOU'RE BRAIN'S GOINGOVERTIME

AND AT THE END OF THE WEEK

THIS COUNTRY HAS FINALLYLOST ITS MIND.

( scattered applause )

I KNOW EXACTLY THE MOMENTTHAT IT OCCURRED.

I WAS IN MY APARTMENT.

I WAS WATCHING TV.

IT WAS JANUARY.

AND THE PRES...

AND IT WAS ANNOUNCED...

IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THEPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HADORAL SEX WITH A 21-YEAR-OLD

IN THE WHITE HOUSEAND THAT THAT--

AND NOW I'M QUOTING--"WASN'T THE BAD NEWS."

( laughter )

WHAT WAS THE BAD NEWS?

THE BAD NEWS WAS

HE MAY HAVE MADE HER LIE.

OOH!

( laughter )

AT THAT POINT, I WENT DOWN

TO THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSEOF PANCAKES

'CAUSE I NEEDED TO PUTMY TEETH INTO SOME PANCAKES

BEFORE THEY REACHED AROUNDTO TRY TO EAT MY BRAIN!

( laughter )

THE NEXT DAY

THIS COUNTRY WENT NUTS.

NEXT DAY A DISCUSSION STARTED

AND IT WAS...

AND IT TOOK PLACEIN EVERY OFFICE.

IT WAS IN ALL MEDIA.

IT WAS EVERYWHERE.

AND THE DISCUSSION WAS

IS ORAL SEX ADULTERY?

AND I KEPT THINKING

DID I MISS A DAYAT SCHOOL SOMEWHERE?

( laughter )

I KNOW I DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION

BUT AT WHAT POINT DID THEPRINCIPAL ANNOUNCE THAT...

DID HE COME ON, LIKE, A THURSDAYAFTERNOON AND SAY

"YOU KNOW, TOMORROW YOU'LL BEHAVING FISH STICKS FOR LUNCH

AND I WANT YOU KIDS TO REMEMBERTHAT B.J.s DON'T COUNT."

( laughter )

IS ORAL SEX ADULTERY?

YES!

THERE IS NO DISCUSSION!

IF CURLING ISAN OLYMPIC SPORT...

THEN ORAL SEX IS ADULTERY.

AND ORAL SEX SHOULD BEAN OLYMPIC SPORT.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S HARDER THAN CURLING

AND IF YOU'RE ANY GOOD AT IT,YOU DESERVE A MEDAL.

( laughter and applause )

I DID SOME LSD DURING MY LIFE.

THE REASON I DID LSD WAS BECAUSEIT ALLOWED ME

I THOUGHT, TO HAVE EVERY THOUGHTTHAT WAS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

I THOUGHT AFTER TAKING LSD

I WAS PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING.

WELL, I WASN'T.

BECAUSE I WATCHED THE TESTIMONYOF BILL CLINTON--

FOUR HOURS.

I DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH IT

BUT SINCE THE INTERNATIONALHOUSE OF PANCAKES

IS MY HEALTH CLUB

I SCREWED UP MY BACK.

SO I WAS STUCK AT HOMEHAVING TO LISTEN TO THIS.

NOW, IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH THIS,IT WAS NOT ONLY THE TESTIMONY

OF BILL CLINTON WAS ONONE CHANNEL

BUT ON THE OTHER CHANNEL

HE WAS IN FRONT OF THE U.N.SPEAKING LIVE.

AND I WENT BACK AND FORTH.

AND THERE I TURNED HIM ONAND HE'S DOING HIS TESTIMONY.

AND HE SAYS TO THE LAWYER

"CAN YOU DEFINETHE WORD 'ALONE'?"

HE'S GOT TO KNOW WHATTHE WORD "ALONE" MEANS!

HE'S THE PRESIDENT.

IF HE DOESN'T KNOW WHATTHE WORD "ALONE" MEANS

THAT MEANS THAT HE MAYBE THINKING

THAT THE VOICES IN HIS HEADARE OTHER PEOPLE.

( laughter and applause )

AND THEN I FLIPPED IT BACK

TO HIM STANDING IN FRONTOF THE U.N.

AND THEY'RE ALL GIVING HIMA BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

THEY'RE STANDING UP,"YAY! YAY!

YOU GOT A B.J.!YOU GOT A B.J.!"

AND THEN I FLIPPED BACKAND HE SAID

"COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU MEANBY THE WORD 'IS'?"

JIZZ? NO, "IS."

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD"IS" MEANS!

YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHATTHE WORD "IS" MEANS.

THAT'S THE FIRST WORD.IT'S THE WORD "TO BE."

IT'S WHY HE WENT OUT TO TRYAND GET HIS WINKY WHACKED.

AND I FLIPPED BACK AND HE'SFRONT OF THE U.N. "YAY! YAY!"

AND I FLIPPED BACKAND HE SAID

"NO, I DIDN'T HAVE SEX.

"'CAUSE, YOU SEE,IT'S LIKE THIS--

"IF I PUT A PROPHYLACTICON MY FINGER

"AND PUT IT IN MY EAR

I'M NOT REALLY SCREWINGMY EAR, AM I?"

AND I FLIPPED IT BACK.

AND THERE HE IS,"YAY! YAY!"

AND I'M SITTING THERE

AND I'M GOING,WHICH ONE IS REAL?

AND THEN, JUST BEFOREI PASSED OUT...

I THOUGHT, IF IT WEREN'TFOR MY HORSE...

( laughter and applause )

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A DEMOCRATAND A REPUBLICAN?

A DEMOCRAT BLOWS,A REPUBLICAN SUCKS.

( laughter )

THE DEMOCRATS BELIEVETHAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

SHOULD BE IN CHARGE

AND THE REPUBLICANS BELIEVE THATTHE STATES SHOULD BE IN CHARGE

AND THEY'RE BOTH WRONG.

IT HAS TO BE...

AND IT HAS TO BE THE WAY OURFOUNDING FATHERS THOUGHT OF IT

AS A COMBINATION OF FEDERALAND STATE.

AND THE REASON THEY THOUGHTOF IT THAT WAY

THAT WE'D BE ASSUREDIF IT WAS FEDERAL AND STATE

THERE'D BE ENOUGH PEOPLEIN THE ROOM

THAT MAYBE A FEW OF THEMCOULD READ.

( laughter )

THE ONE THING YOU DON'T DOIS GIVE STATES

BLOCK GRANTS OF MONEY TO DOWITH THAT MONEY WHAT THEY WISH.

AND THE REASON IS

IS BECAUSE WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOLIN CHAPEL HILL, NORTH CAROLINA

I THOUGHT THAT THAT STATEWAS A SMART STATE.

WELL, NO.

THEY HAD A $600,000 GRANTTO FIGHT CRIME.

THEY TOOK $15,000 OF THAT GRANT

TO FUND A STUDY

TO FIND OUT WHY PRISONERS

WANTED TO ESCAPE FROM PRISON.

( laughter )

DON'T YOU THINK FOR, LIKE, $500

THEY COULD HAVE CALLEDANY ONE OF US?

AND EVEN THOUGH WE'VE NEVERBEEN IN PRISON, OKAY

WE COULD IMAGINEWHAT IT WAS LIKE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THE CELLIS DARK AND DANK

AND WE DON'T REALLYGET CABLE

AND THERE'S A BIG GUYNAMED BUBBA

WHO WANTS TO DANCE WITH ME.

( laughter )

THE ONE THING I'VE LEARNEDOVER THE LAST 20 YEARS

IS PRETTY SIMPLE.

WE FUNCTION VERY WELLWITHOUT A LEADER.

WE'VE DONE TERRIFICALLY.

AND I'VE LEARNEDONE OTHER THING THIS YEAR.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD ECONOMICS.

I DON'T GET IT.

I'VE NEVER COMPREHENDED IT.

I'D TRY TO TAKE IT

BUT I'D GO INTO THE CLASSAND THREE MINUTES INTO IT

I'D GO...

AND PASS OUT.

( laughter )

BUT I LEARNED SOMETHINGTHIS YEAR.

IT'S THIS--

WHEN DID THE DOW JONESGO UP?

IT WENT UP WHEN HE WAS GETTINGHIS WINKY WET.

( laughter )

SO THAT'S ALL IT TAKES.

THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T NEEDA PRESIDENT.

ALL THIS COUNTRY NEEDSIS A GUY IN THE WHITE HOUSE

WHO'S... WHO'S WILLING TO GETA HUMMER EVERY NOW AND THEN.

AND I THINK I'M JUST THE MANFOR THE JOB.

THANK YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN TERRIFIC.

( cheering and applause )

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