Obama Shutdown

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 10/16/2013

The Obamas get intimate, the founding fathers talk gun control, and Metta World Peace makes a wish.

[water bubbling]

- [inhales]

[exhales]

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME HIT THAT.

- REALLY?- I CAN HANDLE IT.

- I AM CERTAINTHAT YOU CANNOT.

- NAH, COME ON, I SMOKEDA TON OF WEED IN THE '90s.

- RIGHT, THE '90s.

UM, YOU KNOW, WEED HAS GOTTENA LOT STRONGER SINCE THEN.

- YOU HONESTLY THINKIT'S GOTTEN SO MUCH STRONGER

THAT I JUST FLAT-OUTCAN'T HANDLE IT?

YOU THINKI'M SUCH A LIGHTWEIGHT,

THAT IF I TAKEONE PUFF--

- KEEGAN, YOU ALREADYTOOK A PUFF AN HOUR AGO.

WE'VE HAD THE SAME CONVERSATION15 TIMES IN A ROW.

YEAH.

[flicks lighter]

[water bubbling]

[inhales]

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?LET ME HIT THAT.

- REALLY?

[soul music]

[jazz music starts playing]

[clears throat]

- OH, HONEY,I AM TIRED.

I AM GOING TO BED.

GOOD NIGHT.

- UH, WELL...

[laughs]

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- WELL, THAT'S, UH--

IT'S--IT'S JUSTTHAT I WAS HOPING THAT--

WELL, THAT WE COULD--

AND I-I WANNA MAKETHIS CLEAR.

I-I-I WANNABE STRAIGHTFORWARD.

I WANT TO HAVE A--

- OKAY.UH, LUTHER?

ARE YOU AVAILABLETO TRANSLATE?

- YES, MA'AM.

[clears throat]

- I REALLY WAS HOPING WE COULDSPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.

- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEWE HAD SEX, WOMAN?

REELECTION NIGHT?

WHAT DOES A BROTHERNOT NAMED "BILL CLINTON"

HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME [bleep]IN THIS HOUSE?

- WELL, YOU HAVE BEENVERY BUSY LATELY.

- MM-HMM.MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF I COULD J--CANWE GET YOUR TRANSLATOR?

- OH, YES, CERTAINLY.UH, CATENDRA?

- YEAH, HONEY?

- COULD YOU PLEASE TRANSLATE

"WELL, YOU HAVE BEENVERY BUSY LATELY."

- SURE.- HM.

- MY [bleep] AIN'TONE OF YOUR LIMOUSINES

THAT YOU CAN JUMPIN AND OUT OF

WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE.

I DON'T SEE YOUALL DAY,

THEN YOU WANTA BOOTY CALL?

I NEED AN EMOTIONALCONNECTION, [bleep].

- THOUGHT THIS WAS ROMANTIC.

- I'M [bleep]IN'TRYIN', BITCH!

CAN'T YOU SEE?

I'M PLAYIN'THE ROMANTIC MUSIC.

I GOT THE PINOTIN THE GLASSES.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANTFROM ME?

AN ENGRAVED INVITATIONFROM MY NUTS?

- MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKEA DATE.

- WHAT AM I SUPPOSEDTO DO,

JUMP OUT OF MY CLOTHESEVERY TIME

LITTLE BARRY STANDSAT ATTENTION?

YOU AIN'T MY COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF,MOTHER-[bleep],

AND MY VAGINA AIN'T SOME CAVEIN THE MIDDLE EAST

YOU CAN FLYYOUR HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE INTO

WHENEVER YOU FEELLIKE IT.

- WELL, I-I DIDN'T MEANTO CALL YOU,

BUT I-I HAD MEETINGSALL DAY LONG.

- I'M DEALIN' WITH THESEMOTHER-[bleep] REPUBLICANS

HEARIN' "NO, NO, NO"ALL DAY LONG.

THEN I COME HOME,AND YOU AIN'T GONNA LET ME

GET MY JAM ONUP IN HERE?

- WELL, YOU KNOW,I HAVE HAD A BUSY DAY TOO.

- YOU ACT LIKE I AIN'T GOTNOTHIN' ELSE TO DO, [bleep].

I GOTTHESE OBESE MOTHER-[bleep]

ON MY ASS 24/7.

WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT--YOU GETTIN' YOUR WICK DIPPED

OR SOME EIGHT-YEAR-OLD FAT-ASSCOLLAPSIN' IN HIS BUNK BED?

- OKAY.

- YOU SEEM TO BE FORGETTIN'JOB NUMBER ONE.

YOU ARE MY SECRETARYOF [bleep], BITCH!

GET TO WORK!

- YOU.[chuckles]

[groaning and moaning]

- LUTHER?CATENDRA?

- OH, YES, YES, SIR.

- WE'LL--WE'LL TAKE ITFROM HERE.

- ABSOLUTELY--YES, SIR.- YES, MA'AM.

- GOOD NIGHT.GOOD NIGHT.

- [laughs]

[chuckles]

- COME HERE.- OH, THIS FEELS GOOD.

- UM, MOM?DAD?

I KNOW YOU ALREADY SAIDTHAT I CAN'T GO,

BUT CAN I PLEASE GOTO THE PARTY TONIGHT?

- MALIA, USE YOUR TRANSLATOR.

- IF YOU DON'T LET ME GOTO THIS PARTY,

I WILL GET A TATTOO

ON MY FACE.

- HAVE FUN.- YEAH.

- THE SECOND AMENDMENTOF THE CONSTITUTION STATES

THAT A WELL-REGULATED MILITIA,BEING NECESSARY

FOR THE SECURITYOF A FREE STATE,

THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLETO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS

SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.

- HERE, HERE.- YES.

- PLEASE, GENTLEMEN,

WE NEED ALLOF YOUR SIGNATURES.

- GENTLEMEN.

A POINT OF ORDER.

WHAT IF SOMEONE MADEA GUN

THAT COULD SHOOT, SAY,

50 PEOPLEIN 30 SECONDS?

[laughter]

- CONGRESSMAN PEELE, WE HAVEMANY ORDERS OF BUSINESS TODAY,

ONE OF WHICH IS NOT JUDGINGYOUR SENSE OF HUMOR,

PRODIGIOUS ASIT MAY BE.

[laughter]

- THEN ONE MAN

WOULD BE ABLE TO WALKINTO A CROWDED AREA

AND KILL SCORES UPON SCORESOF PEOPLE

BEFORE ANYONE WOULD HAVEA CHANCE TO STOP HIM.

- CONGRESSMAN PEELE,

WHERE ARE YOU GETTINGTHESE HAREBRAINED IDEAS?

HOW COULDYOU POSSIBLY KNOW

WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS?

- BECAUSE I AMFROM THE FUTURE.

I KNOW WHAT THIS AMENDMENTWILL BRING,

AND I CANNOT LETANY OF YOU SIGN IT.

[gunfire][screaming]

[sighs]

I DID IT.

- DID YOU SEE THE--THE MUSKETS HE HAD?

- MAGNIFICENT.- [laughs]

- HAND ME THE QUILL SO I CANDRAW THEM BEFORE I FORGET.

- [sighs]

DAMN IT.

- STILL SCORELESS WITH ONLYA FEW MINUTES REMAINING.

TRAVINO PASSES TO FEDERNOIR.

CLEARLY A FLOP.NO CONTACT MADE.

[operatic music playing]

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THISAS THE POWER FALCONS PREPARE

TO TAKE THE FREE KICK.

THIS IS THE LAST CHANCETO WIN THE GAME.

THESE ARE THE DYING SECONDSOF THE MATCH.

AND WHAT IS THIS?CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

HE'S ALIVE AND TAKINGTHE FREE KICK.

HE SHOOTS. HE SCORES.OH, MY!

SO MANY RULES CLEARLY BROKENLEADING UP TO THAT GOAL,

BUT THEY'VE ALLOWED IT.

POWER FALCONS WINTHIS MATCH!

[groans]

[all moaning and groaning]

- WHOA.

[laughs]

HI.

THAT WASN'T--EXPECTED TO SEE YOU

ALL UNDULATIN' UP HERE.

UH, HI.

I JUST PUT MY JACKETON THE BED

WHEN I FIRST CAMETO THE PARTY,

BUT I DIDN'T REALIZETHAT THE PARTY

MADE ITS WAYUP HERE.

BUT I'LL GETTHAT NOW.

I WILL, IF YOU--

CAROL, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU'RE IN THERE SOMEWHERE,

BUT WHEREVER YOU ARE,

THANK YOUFOR THE INVITATION.

I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF.

I'LL SEE YOUAT WORK TOMORROW.

OKAY, HEY, SIR, I THINKI SEE MY JACKET.

I THINK--I THINK YOUR ARMIS IN THE SLEEVE, ACTUALLY.

I'LL GRAB--THAT'S NOT MY JACKET,

AND THAT'SNOT YOUR ARM.

IT'S NOT YOUR ARM.WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.JUST LOOKIN' FOR A JACKET.

SIR, OKAY, YES,VERY NICE MUSTACHE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ONEABOVE THE NOSE.

THAT'S INTERESTING.THAT'S NOT YOUR NOSE.

OKAY, SORRYTO DISTURB YOU, SIR.

JUST LOOKIN' FORA JACKET,

JUST A ORDINARY MANLOOKIN' FOR A JACKET.

YOU WANNA SAY SOMETHINGTO ME, SIR?

ARE YOU TRY--OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

MM-MM.NO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

IT TASTED A LITTLE BITLIKE SALTY BUTT HOLE,

BUT THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S TWEED,THE JACKET I'M TALKING ABOUT,

AND IT'S GOT LEATHER PATCHESON IT.

JUST--OH, MAYBETHIS IS IT.

THANK YOU, FOUND IT, AND--NOPE, THAT'S NOT IT,

BUT CONGRATULATIONS, MA'AM.

YOU ARE DOING GREATWITH WHAT GOD GAVE YOU.

NOPE, DON'T LOOK AT MEIN THE EYES, MA'AM.

I DON'T WANT YOUTO STEAL MY SOUL.

HI, LADIES.VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

AND, SIR,YES, I DO SEE YOU TOO.

OKAY, YES.WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.

OH, NO, I'M--I'M OKAY.I REALLY AM.

I'M ALREADY SEEINGA-A GROUP OF PEOPLE,

AND WE'RETAKING IT SLOWLY.

WE ARETAKING IT SLOWLY.

IT'S A CHURCH.

MAYBE SOME OF Y'ALLWOULD BE INTERESTED

IN LOOKING INTO THAT.

NOT MINE,BUT ONE SOMEWHERE,

IF THAT'S--OKAY, THANK YOU, MA'AM, FOR--

THERE IT IS.I FOUND IT.

FOUND THE JACKET.IT'S RIGHT HERE.

I'MA PULL IT,AND I BELIEVE

IT MIGHT BE LOST SOMEWHEREWITHIN YOU.

I'M JUST GUESSINGBECAUSE THAT

IS JUST A LITTLE BITOF RESISTANCE.

ALL RIGHT,THERE WE GO.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?THAT IS GOING TO BE YOURS.

KEEP IT, THANK YOU.COVER YOURSELVES UP.

CAROL, IF YOU'REIN THERE,

I'LL SEE YOUAT THE OFFICE TOMORROW.

JUST BRING THE BOWL.YOU CAN FINISH THE EGG SALAD.

MY GOD,WHITE PEOPLE CRAZY.

- WELCOME TO METTAWORLD NEWS.

I WISH

THERE WAS A GENIEIN HERE.

WELL, THAT WRAPS UPMETTA WORLD NEWS

FOR THIS WEDNESDAY,MARCH HYBRID ICE RINK.

I'M METTA WORLD PEACE.GOOD NIGHT.

- JOHNNY.

OKAY, CARTER.

I CAN STAY HEREALL NIGHT.

SO WHY DON'TYOU AND I CUT THE CRAP,

AND YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENEDON MARCH 15TH?

- AND WHAT'S IN ITFOR CARTER FINLEY?

- WHAT'S IN ITFOR YOU

IS I DON'T SEND YOU BACKTO JAIL.

- [sighs]

THE GUY'S NAMEIS CAT BRANCHMAN.

I MET HIM DOWNTOWN AT A CLUBCALLED "THE CLUTCHING KITTEN."

YOU MAY HAVE HEARDOF IT.

IT'S DOWN ON THE CORNEROF HANG AND FUR STREET.

- CAT BRANCHMAN.

SO WHAT'S A GUYLIKE YOU

AND A GUY NAMED CAT--

[sighs]

OKAY.

I KNOW WHATYOU'RE DOIN', FINLEY.

YOU'RE JUST USING WHAT YOU SEEIN MY POSTER.

- I'M NOT, DETECTIVE.

I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

- WE'LL SEE HOW MUCH TRUTHYOU TELL

AFTER A FEW WEEKSIN SOLITARY CONFINE--

- FINE, DETECTIVE.

YOU'VE TWISTED MY ARM.- NOW, THAT'S BETTER.

- THE GUY'S NAME WASN'TCAT BRANCHMAN.

- THANK YOU.

- IT WAS A CHINESE GUY NAMED"MR. MEOW."

HE'S THE REALGANG BOSS.

STORY WENT HE HUNG GUYSFROM TREES

AND TOOK PICTURESOF THEM.

- FINLEY.- USED TO RUN A CLUB DOWNTOWN.

A FRONT, OF COURSE.CALLED IT "THE PAW AND POSTER."

- FINLEY.

- RAN IT WITH A GUY NAMED"HONG IN THAR."

- OKAY.

LET'S TRY THISONE MORE TIME.

FINLEY?

WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

- UM...

COFFEE.MR. COFFEE COOP.

- YOU--COFFEE COOP?

- HIS NAME WAS"BALDY TALL MAN COFFEE COOP."

- [sighs]

NOW YOU'RE JUST TALKINGABOUT ME.

FINLEY, I'M GONNA GIVE YOUONE MORE CHANCE.

WHO IS IN CHARGE?

- HIS NAME WAS"ANGRY MAN."

- [sighs]

- THE WAREHOUSE IS LOCATED

IN THE DIPLOMAFOR BEING A DETECTIVE.

- I WANT A NAME.- JUSTIN.

- THANK YOU.

- HANGTREE--- DON'T SAY "HANG."

GOD DAMN IT,DO NOT SAY "HANG."

- HANG--- NOPE.

- HANGMAN JUSTIN CATS...- FINLEY.

- POSTER.- DO NOT SAY "POSTER" OR "CAT."

- CAT POSTER.- OKAY, THAT'S IT.

I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE.

WINSLOW, GET THIS MORONOUTTA HERE.

- [sighs]

- I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE.

LET'S TRY THISONE MORE TIME.

I'M GETTIN TOO OLDFOR THIS [bleep].

[groans]

- WELL-PLAYED, DETECTIVE.

WELL-PLAYED, INDEED.

- HEY, CARTER.

YOU HANG IN THERE.

- Right,it's Vandaveon and Mike,

"The Van and Mike Show,"episode five, season three.

Received a gift recently.

It's not even a big thingor nothing like that.

Mike...

♪ Shrump-bada-scamp-dada-famp-bada-du-du-dum, braugh ♪

- The envelope open.

- It's a signed pictureof Key and Peele.

Whatever, I mean,it's not a thing.

They wrote on it their names,which are authentic.

I mean, but it's, you know, it'sclearly an official picture.

It's got the "Key & Peele"insignia and whatnot.

It's got the Comedy Centralinsignia.

And because of the certain typeof glossiness on it,

you know that it's real.

- As one artist to another,

a show of mutual appreciation.

- It says, "Good luck, guys,"right there.

I'm not sure why.

We doing great,2.5 million hits.

I mean, not 2.5,but just under 2.2.

Good luck to you guyson your fourth season,

if you get one.

We know we gonna geta fourth season.

- Fuck you, "Key & Peele."

Don't even fuckingcare about that.

- We don't even care.

- Hold up, hold up,why you holding that?

- No, I'm just gonna keep it--I don't know.

I ain't gonna put it in a frameor nothing like that.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- But anyway, we wantedto show that to you fans,

thought you mightfind it interesting.

And probably justgonna get rid of it.

- I'll throw this out myself,with my own two hands.

I'd rather havea blank paper,

without any of the writingon it.

What you doing, though?Hold up.

You gonna get fingerprints.

You can see it.

- Let me hold itby myself.

- What's the efficacy of that?

- I ain't talkingabout no efficacies.

I'm just saying, let me just--you hold it,

and then I'm gonnahold it by myself.

- Cool, don't mean shit to me.

- We sent them a picturein the mail a long time ago.

- We thought of it first.

- Difference between us andthem, though, is that we humble,

and none of thishas gone to our heads.

We're more than happyto show them

that we received their picture.

All right, man,it's a very special scene

that we saw todayin the "Key & Peele" episode.

Dude, in this one scene wherethis dude came into the room

and there's a bunch of whitepeople on a bed having sex,

and he was black, and he wastrying to get his coat

out from under themat the party and whatnot.

- Do you want to say something?

Are you--oh, my bad.

Mm, no, thank you very much, sir.

It tastes a little bit like salty butthole,

but that's okay.

It's tweed.

- The one point where dudeput his hand up like this

and stuck his thumbin his mouth,

just should have been a dick.

- Should have been a dick.

- He kept on referringto dicks,

but never did we see a dick.

- Why don't you just show it?

- This might be the worstwaste of dicks

ever in the historyof "Key & Peele."

We giving this two dicks.

- Hold up, real quick, let mejust see something, though.

- Maybe at some pointin time today,

we might geta little Mike's corner.

You ready, Mike?

- Does he look likehe's looking at me?

Just trying to do...forced perspective.

- Look at Peele,he looking right at me.

- Not anymore.What you doing?

- Just let me hold ita little bit.

- What you doing--man, you being stupid.

- Just let me hold it.

- Man, you being stupid.

Well, look happened then.

See, now it's got"Jordan P--"

That doesn't evensay nothing now.

- This just says "-eele" on it.

We want to thank"Key & Peele."

Whatever, who cares?

You know, they sent usthe picture, you know.

What do you got cooked upin Mike's corner, Mike?

- Just a littlesomething-something.

- Can't give us a little previewor nothing like that?

- Don't want to spoil it.

Spoiler alert.

- The spoiler alert is thatthere is no spoiler alert.

Well, see you next week, then.

Peace out, everybody.