Obama Shutdown

[water bubbling]

- [inhales]

[exhales]

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME HIT THAT.

- REALLY?- I CAN HANDLE IT.

- I AM CERTAINTHAT YOU CANNOT.

- NAH, COME ON, I SMOKEDA TON OF WEED IN THE '90s.

- RIGHT, THE '90s.

UM, YOU KNOW, WEED HAS GOTTENA LOT STRONGER SINCE THEN.

- YOU HONESTLY THINKIT'S GOTTEN SO MUCH STRONGER

THAT I JUST FLAT-OUTCAN'T HANDLE IT?

YOU THINKI'M SUCH A LIGHTWEIGHT,

THAT IF I TAKEONE PUFF--

- KEEGAN, YOU ALREADYTOOK A PUFF AN HOUR AGO.

WE'VE HAD THE SAME CONVERSATION15 TIMES IN A ROW.

YEAH.

[flicks lighter]

[water bubbling]

[inhales]

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?LET ME HIT THAT.

- REALLY?

[soul music]

[jazz music starts playing]

♪

[clears throat]

- OH, HONEY,I AM TIRED.

I AM GOING TO BED.

GOOD NIGHT.

- UH, WELL...

[laughs]

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- WELL, THAT'S, UH--

IT'S--IT'S JUSTTHAT I WAS HOPING THAT--

WELL, THAT WE COULD--

AND I-I WANNA MAKETHIS CLEAR.

I-I-I WANNABE STRAIGHTFORWARD.

I WANT TO HAVE A--

- OKAY.UH, LUTHER?

ARE YOU AVAILABLETO TRANSLATE?

- YES, MA'AM.

[clears throat]

- I REALLY WAS HOPING WE COULDSPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.

- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEWE HAD SEX, WOMAN?

REELECTION NIGHT?

WHAT DOES A BROTHERNOT NAMED "BILL CLINTON"

HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME [bleep]IN THIS HOUSE?

- WELL, YOU HAVE BEENVERY BUSY LATELY.

- MM-HMM.MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF I COULD J--CANWE GET YOUR TRANSLATOR?

- OH, YES, CERTAINLY.UH, CATENDRA?

- YEAH, HONEY?

- COULD YOU PLEASE TRANSLATE

"WELL, YOU HAVE BEENVERY BUSY LATELY."

- SURE.- HM.

- MY [bleep] AIN'TONE OF YOUR LIMOUSINES

THAT YOU CAN JUMPIN AND OUT OF

WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE.

I DON'T SEE YOUALL DAY,

THEN YOU WANTA BOOTY CALL?

I NEED AN EMOTIONALCONNECTION, [bleep].

- THOUGHT THIS WAS ROMANTIC.

- I'M [bleep]IN'TRYIN', BITCH!

CAN'T YOU SEE?

I'M PLAYIN'THE ROMANTIC MUSIC.

I GOT THE PINOTIN THE GLASSES.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANTFROM ME?

AN ENGRAVED INVITATIONFROM MY NUTS?

- MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKEA DATE.

- WHAT AM I SUPPOSEDTO DO,

JUMP OUT OF MY CLOTHESEVERY TIME

LITTLE BARRY STANDSAT ATTENTION?

YOU AIN'T MY COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF,MOTHER-[bleep],

AND MY VAGINA AIN'T SOME CAVEIN THE MIDDLE EAST

YOU CAN FLYYOUR HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE INTO

WHENEVER YOU FEELLIKE IT.

- WELL, I-I DIDN'T MEANTO CALL YOU,

BUT I-I HAD MEETINGSALL DAY LONG.

- I'M DEALIN' WITH THESEMOTHER-[bleep] REPUBLICANS

HEARIN' "NO, NO, NO"ALL DAY LONG.

THEN I COME HOME,AND YOU AIN'T GONNA LET ME

GET MY JAM ONUP IN HERE?

- WELL, YOU KNOW,I HAVE HAD A BUSY DAY TOO.

- YOU ACT LIKE I AIN'T GOTNOTHIN' ELSE TO DO, [bleep].

I GOTTHESE OBESE MOTHER-[bleep]

ON MY ASS 24/7.

WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT--YOU GETTIN' YOUR WICK DIPPED

OR SOME EIGHT-YEAR-OLD FAT-ASSCOLLAPSIN' IN HIS BUNK BED?

- OKAY.

- YOU SEEM TO BE FORGETTIN'JOB NUMBER ONE.

YOU ARE MY SECRETARYOF [bleep], BITCH!

GET TO WORK!

- YOU.[chuckles]

[groaning and moaning]

- LUTHER?CATENDRA?

- OH, YES, YES, SIR.

- WE'LL--WE'LL TAKE ITFROM HERE.

- ABSOLUTELY--YES, SIR.- YES, MA'AM.

- GOOD NIGHT.GOOD NIGHT.

- [laughs]

[chuckles]

- COME HERE.- OH, THIS FEELS GOOD.

- UM, MOM?DAD?

I KNOW YOU ALREADY SAIDTHAT I CAN'T GO,

BUT CAN I PLEASE GOTO THE PARTY TONIGHT?

- MALIA, USE YOUR TRANSLATOR.

- IF YOU DON'T LET ME GOTO THIS PARTY,

I WILL GET A TATTOO

ON MY FACE.

- HAVE FUN.- YEAH.