Obama Shutdown

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 10/16/2013

The Obamas get intimate, the founding fathers talk gun control, and Metta World Peace makes a wish.

[water bubbling]

- [inhales]

[exhales]

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME HIT THAT.

- REALLY?- I CAN HANDLE IT.

- I AM CERTAINTHAT YOU CANNOT.

- NAH, COME ON, I SMOKEDA TON OF WEED IN THE '90s.

- RIGHT, THE '90s.

UM, YOU KNOW, WEED HAS GOTTENA LOT STRONGER SINCE THEN.

- YOU HONESTLY THINKIT'S GOTTEN SO MUCH STRONGER

THAT I JUST FLAT-OUTCAN'T HANDLE IT?

YOU THINKI'M SUCH A LIGHTWEIGHT,

THAT IF I TAKEONE PUFF--

- KEEGAN, YOU ALREADYTOOK A PUFF AN HOUR AGO.

WE'VE HAD THE SAME CONVERSATION15 TIMES IN A ROW.

YEAH.

[flicks lighter]

[water bubbling]

[inhales]

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?LET ME HIT THAT.

- REALLY?

[jazz music starts playing]

[clears throat]

- OH, HONEY,I AM TIRED.

I AM GOING TO BED.

GOOD NIGHT.

- UH, WELL...

[laughs]

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

- WELL, THAT'S, UH--

IT'S--IT'S JUSTTHAT I WAS HOPING THAT--

WELL, THAT WE COULD--

AND I-I WANNA MAKETHIS CLEAR.

I-I-I WANNABE STRAIGHTFORWARD.

I WANT TO HAVE A--

- OKAY.UH, LUTHER?

ARE YOU AVAILABLETO TRANSLATE?

- YES, MA'AM.

[clears throat]

- I REALLY WAS HOPING WE COULDSPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER.

- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEWE HAD SEX, WOMAN?

REELECTION NIGHT?

WHAT DOES A BROTHERNOT NAMED "BILL CLINTON"

HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME [bleep]IN THIS HOUSE?

- WELL, YOU HAVE BEENVERY BUSY LATELY.

- MM-HMM.MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF I COULD J--CANWE GET YOUR TRANSLATOR?

- OH, YES, CERTAINLY.UH, CATENDRA?

- YEAH, HONEY?

- COULD YOU PLEASE TRANSLATE

"WELL, YOU HAVE BEENVERY BUSY LATELY."

- SURE.- HM.

- MY [bleep] AIN'TONE OF YOUR LIMOUSINES

THAT YOU CAN JUMPIN AND OUT OF

WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE.

I DON'T SEE YOUALL DAY,

THEN YOU WANTA BOOTY CALL?

I NEED AN EMOTIONALCONNECTION, [bleep].

- THOUGHT THIS WAS ROMANTIC.

- I'M [bleep]IN'TRYIN', BITCH!

CAN'T YOU SEE?

I'M PLAYIN'THE ROMANTIC MUSIC.

I GOT THE PINOTIN THE GLASSES.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANTFROM ME?

AN ENGRAVED INVITATIONFROM MY NUTS?

- MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKEA DATE.

- WHAT AM I SUPPOSEDTO DO,

JUMP OUT OF MY CLOTHESEVERY TIME

LITTLE BARRY STANDSAT ATTENTION?

YOU AIN'T MY COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF,MOTHER-[bleep],

AND MY VAGINA AIN'T SOME CAVEIN THE MIDDLE EAST

YOU CAN FLYYOUR HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE INTO

WHENEVER YOU FEELLIKE IT.

- WELL, I-I DIDN'T MEANTO CALL YOU,

BUT I-I HAD MEETINGSALL DAY LONG.

- I'M DEALIN' WITH THESEMOTHER-[bleep] REPUBLICANS

HEARIN' "NO, NO, NO"ALL DAY LONG.

THEN I COME HOME,AND YOU AIN'T GONNA LET ME

GET MY JAM ONUP IN HERE?

- WELL, YOU KNOW,I HAVE HAD A BUSY DAY TOO.

- YOU ACT LIKE I AIN'T GOTNOTHIN' ELSE TO DO, [bleep].

I GOTTHESE OBESE MOTHER-[bleep]

ON MY ASS 24/7.

WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT--YOU GETTIN' YOUR WICK DIPPED

OR SOME EIGHT-YEAR-OLD FAT-ASSCOLLAPSIN' IN HIS BUNK BED?

- OKAY.

- YOU SEEM TO BE FORGETTIN'JOB NUMBER ONE.

YOU ARE MY SECRETARYOF [bleep], BITCH!

GET TO WORK!

- YOU.[chuckles]

[groaning and moaning]

- LUTHER?CATENDRA?

- OH, YES, YES, SIR.

- WE'LL--WE'LL TAKE ITFROM HERE.

- ABSOLUTELY--YES, SIR.- YES, MA'AM.

- GOOD NIGHT.GOOD NIGHT.

- [laughs]

[chuckles]

- COME HERE.- OH, THIS FEELS GOOD.

- UM, MOM?DAD?

I KNOW YOU ALREADY SAIDTHAT I CAN'T GO,

BUT CAN I PLEASE GOTO THE PARTY TONIGHT?

- MALIA, USE YOUR TRANSLATOR.

- IF YOU DON'T LET ME GOTO THIS PARTY,

I WILL GET A TATTOO

ON MY FACE.

- HAVE FUN.- YEAH.

- STILL SCORELESS WITH ONLYA FEW MINUTES REMAINING.

TRAVINO PASSES TO FEDERNOIR.

SLIDE TACKLE BY GOZURP.

CLEARLY A FLOP.NO CONTACT MADE.

[operatic music playing]

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THISAS THE POWER FALCONS PREPARE

TO TAKE THE FREE KICK.

THIS IS THE LAST CHANCETO WIN THE GAME.

THESE ARE THE DYING SECONDSOF THE MATCH.

AND WHAT IS THIS?CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

FEDERNOIR IS BACKON THE PITCH.

HE'S ALIVE AND TAKINGTHE FREE KICK.

HE SHOOTS. HE SCORES.OH, MY!

SO MANY RULES CLEARLY BROKENLEADING UP TO THAT GOAL,

BUT THEY'VE ALLOWED IT.

POWER FALCONS WINTHIS MATCH!

- JOHNNY.

OKAY, CARTER.

I CAN STAY HEREALL NIGHT.

SO WHY DON'TYOU AND I CUT THE CRAP,

AND YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENEDON MARCH 15TH?

- AND WHAT'S IN ITFOR CARTER FINLEY?

- WHAT'S IN ITFOR YOU

IS I DON'T SEND YOU BACKTO JAIL.

- [sighs]

THE GUY'S NAMEIS CAT BRANCHMAN.

I MET HIM DOWNTOWN AT A CLUBCALLED "THE CLUTCHING KITTEN."

YOU MAY HAVE HEARDOF IT.

IT'S DOWN ON THE CORNEROF HANG AND FUR STREET.

- CAT BRANCHMAN.

SO WHAT'S A GUYLIKE YOU

AND A GUY NAMED CAT--

[sighs]

OKAY.

I KNOW WHATYOU'RE DOIN', FINLEY.

YOU'RE JUST USING WHAT YOU SEEIN MY POSTER.

- I'M NOT, DETECTIVE.

I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

- WE'LL SEE HOW MUCH TRUTHYOU TELL

AFTER A FEW WEEKSIN SOLITARY CONFINE--

- FINE, DETECTIVE.

YOU'VE TWISTED MY ARM.- NOW, THAT'S BETTER.

- THE GUY'S NAME WASN'TCAT BRANCHMAN.

- THANK YOU.

- IT WAS A CHINESE GUY NAMED"MR. MEOW."

HE'S THE REALGANG BOSS.

STORY WENT HE HUNG GUYSFROM TREES

AND TOOK PICTURESOF THEM.

- FINLEY.- USED TO RUN A CLUB DOWNTOWN.

A FRONT, OF COURSE.CALLED IT "THE PAW AND POSTER."

- FINLEY.

- RAN IT WITH A GUY NAMED"HONG IN THAR."

- OKAY.

LET'S TRY THISONE MORE TIME.

FINLEY?

WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

- UM...

COFFEE.MR. COFFEE COOP.

- YOU--COFFEE COOP?

- HIS NAME WAS"BALDY TALL MAN COFFEE COOP."

- [sighs]

NOW YOU'RE JUST TALKINGABOUT ME.

FINLEY, I'M GONNA GIVE YOUONE MORE CHANCE.

WHO IS IN CHARGE?

- HIS NAME WAS"ANGRY MAN."

- [sighs]

- THE WAREHOUSE IS LOCATED

IN THE DIPLOMAFOR BEING A DETECTIVE.

- I WANT A NAME.- JUSTIN.

- THANK YOU.

- HANGTREE--- DON'T SAY "HANG."

GOD DAMN IT,DO NOT SAY "HANG."

- HANG--- NOPE.

- HANGMAN JUSTIN CATS...- FINLEY.

- POSTER.- DO NOT SAY "POSTER" OR "CAT."

- CAT POSTER.- OKAY, THAT'S IT.

I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE.

WINSLOW, GET THIS MORONOUTTA HERE.

- [sighs]

- I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE.

LET'S TRY THISONE MORE TIME.

I'M GETTIN TOO OLDFOR THIS [bleep].

[groans]

- WELL-PLAYED, DETECTIVE.

WELL-PLAYED, INDEED.

- HEY, CARTER.

YOU HANG IN THERE.

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