Extended - Thursday, September 10, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 09/10/2015

Jon Lajoie, Steve Rannazzisi and Paul Scheer of "The League" expose #NewNFLScandals and list bad porn magazines in this uncensored, extended episode.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WELL, IT'S THURSDAY, WHICH MEANS

IT'S TIME TO PULL BACK THEROTTING CURTAIN OF OUR DISEASED

POLITICAL PROCESS.

IT'S PANDERDOME.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)RAGE-FILLED PANT SUIT WITH A

SHOCK OF BLONDE HAIR-- HILLARYCLINTON-- TWEETED OUT A PICTURE

OF A THANKS BOX WHICH WILL BEMAILED TO SUPPORTERS WITH A

MYSTERY GIFT INSIDE.

THIS IS...

MEET THANKS BOX, A PERSONALTHANK YOU FROM HILLARY.

GET ON THE WAITING LIST TO FINDOUT MORE.

SO, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, CLEARLY, SOMEONE ON HERSOCIAL MEDIA TEAM PROBABLY HEARD

THE WORD "ENGAGEMENT" AT A TEDTALK OR SOMETHING, AND SO

THEY'RE HAVING HILLARY ASK HERFOLLOWERS TO GUESS WHAT'S IN THE

BOX.

SPOILER ALERT!

IT'S GWYNETH PALTROW'S SEVEREDHEAD FROM "SE7EN."

NOW, THE TRUTH IS, NO ONE KNOWSWHAT'S IN THERE.

NOT EVEN BILL WHO HAS AVOIDEDHILLARY'S BOX FOR THE LAST TWO

DECADES.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)SO...

MM.

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE TELL MEWHAT YOU THINK IS IN HILLARY'S

MYSTERY BOX.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> A HILLARY CLINTON MOLDEDPOCKET PUSSY.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)EVERYONE'S DOING IT.

WHY NOT HER?

I HAVE THE DONALD TRUMP BUTTHOLEONE.

>> I HAVE HIS FLESH LIGHT, SO...

>> HARDWICK: SO, I THINK NOMATTER WHAT WE GUESS, I WOULD

BET EVERYTHING I OWN IT'SPROBABLY NOT GONNA BE THAT.

>> AAH!

>> HARDWICK: IT'S PROBABLY NOTGONNA BE A BOX IN A BOX.

(LAUGHTER)ALTHOUGH IF IT WERE, THEY'D CALL

IT "HILLARY CLITTON."

>> OH!

>> AH! BAM! NAILED IT.

>> WELL DONE.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: UH, STEVE.

>> OH, WELL, CONSIDERING BILLDELIVERED IT, IT'S DEFINITELY

HIS ♪ DICK IN A BOX! >> HARDWICK: YEAH, PERFECT.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)POINTS TO YOU.

JON LAJOIE.

>> UH, INSIDE HILLARY'S BOX.

UH... UH, MONICA LEWINSKY'SGONORRHEA.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

POINTS. MM-HMM.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> THANK YOU.

ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL A MONICALEWINSKY JOKE.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S FINE... ABOUTTIME.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

I'M SO GLAD...

>> HIGH FIVE THAT HORSE.

>> HARDWICK: ...SOMEONEFINALLY...

>> I KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: ...WAS BRAVE ENOUGHTO...

>> WHAT A STANCE YOU TOOK ON@MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, JON.

>> SINCE I WAS 13, I'VE BEENHOLDING ONTO THAT.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)>> HARDWICK: UH... ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S A NEW PRESIDENTIALHOPEFUL THROWING HIS TINFOIL HAT

INTO THE RING, AND IT'S NONEOTHER THAN JOHN MCAFEE.

NOW IF YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OFJOHN MCAFEE, HE'S THE GUY WHO

INVENTED MCAFEE ANTI-VIRUSSOFTWARE AND THEN ALSO SPENT

MOST OF 2012 ON THE LAM FORMAYBE ROOTING HIS NEIGHBOR OUT

LIKE AN UNWELCOME VIRUS.

UH, JUST GOOGLE "MURDER INBELIZE," AND IT'LL COME UP.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)UH, HERE HE IS ANNOUNCING HIS

CANDIDACY.

(GUNSHOTS)(LAUGHTER)

OH, YES, LOOK HOW INNOCENT HEIS.

(LAUGHTER)LAST MONTH, WHILE THE OTHER

CANDIDATES WERE EATING CRITTERPIES WITH VOTERS AT THE IOWA

STATE FAIR, MCAFEE GEARED UP FORHIS PRESIDENTIAL BID BY GETTING

ARRESTED IN TENNESSEE FORDRIVING DRUNK WHILE IN

POSSESSION OF A FIREARM.

SO, COMEDIANS, CONSIDERING THISFELLA WHO'S BASICALLY LIKE IF

EVERY NICOLAS CAGE CHARACTERFUCKED A WARREN ZEVON SONG.

HE'S JUST JOINED THE RACE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HIS CAMPAIGNSLOGAN SHOULD BE?

UH, STEVE.

>> JOHN MCAFEE-- FOLLOW ME TOTHE APOCALYPSE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)UH... JON LAJOIE?

>> JOHN MCAFEE-- I MAY BE CRAZYBUT I'M NOT BLACK OR A WOMAN.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YEP.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> JOHN MCAFEE-- I GOT ONEREASON YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)MM-HMM.

YES. WELL, AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOTKNOW, TONIGHT WAS THE FIRST GAME

OF THE NFL SEASON, BETWEEN THEPITTSBURGH STEELERS AND THE NEW

ENGLAND PATRIOTS, AND THOUGHFANS TUNE IN FOR THE CIRCUS

CATCHES AND TOUCHDOWN DRIVES,AMERICA'S GAME HAS BEEN BESIEGED

BY SCANDALS IN RECENT YEARS,SUCH AS DEFLATE-GATE, SPY-GATE,

AND ONLY-LIVING-TO-AGE-42-BECAUSE-YOUR-BRAIN-HAS-BEEN-

DESTROYED-BY-CONCUSSIONS-GATE.

(LAUGHTER)SO TONIGHT WE WANT TO PREDICT

THE PROBLEMS THE LEAGUE WILLFACE THIS SEASON WITH OUR

HASHTAG NEWNFLSCANDALS.

NEWNFLSCANDALS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:THE PACKERS KICKER CLOPPER TURNS

OUT TO BE A FIELD GOAL-KICKINGMULE!

OR: BILL BELICHICK IS REVEALEDTO BE SMURFS VILLAIN GARGAMEL.

(LAUGHTER)I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> GISELE IS ACTUALLY TOM BRADYIN MAKEUP.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JON LAJOIE.

>> THE REDSKINS FINALLY CHANGETHEIR NAME TO...

(WAR WHOOPING)(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: OH... OH...

OH, I DON'T FEEL... OH, I FEELWEIRD.

UH, OKAY, POINTS.

UH, STEVE.

>> UH, DOCTORS SAY CONCUSSIONSARE ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

PAUL.

>> MARSHAWN WASN'T JUST THERE SOHE WOULDN'T GET FINED, HE WAS

ALSO THERE FOR FREE WI-FI.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

JON.

>> TIM TEBOW GETS CUT FROM THEEAGLES AND JOINS THE EAGLES THE

BAND AS A TOURING BASSIST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> UH, THE PLAYERS WILL STARTBEATING YOUR WIFE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)>> JUST A NICE TWIST.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T SEE HOWANYONE... POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)UH, JON.

>> UH, THE BROWNS ARE GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAYVINE-HS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)UH, KIDS, VHS IS A NOW-EXTINCT

VIDEO FORMAT, BUT FORTUNATELY,THE VINE ACCOUNT IT CAME FROM,

THE VCR, HAS SOME OF THE ODDESTVHS CLIPS SAVED FOR POSTERITY

FOR US TO RELIVE AGAIN ANDAGAIN.

COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ACLIP OF AN OBSCURE AND OUTDATED

VHS-- FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOUTO TELL ME WHAT THE NEXT LINE OF

DIALOGUE IS.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE-- THESE TWOBFF'S...

>> THIS IS CALLED A "SHIFT INVALUES," AND IT'S REALLY QUITE

EXCITING WHEN IT HAPPENS.

(LAUGHTER)NEXT LINE? PAUL SCHEER.

>> OKAY, I'LL TRY ANAL.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)STEVE RANNAZZISI.

>> SEE, FRANKIE? I TOLD YOUTHESE UNDER-THE-TABLE BJ'S WERE

AMAZING.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

SO THEY'RE GETTING BLOWN RIGHTNOW?

>> UNDERNEATH, YEAH.

WHILE IT'S HAPPENING.

>> HARDWICK: AND THEY'RE JUSTEMBRACING EACH OTHER WHILE

THEY'RE BOTH GETTING...

>> WELL, THEY'RE JUST...

>> HARDWICK: ARE THERE TWODIFFERENT PEOPLE UNDER...

>> BUT THEY'RE NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER.

>> HARDWICK: NO, THAT'S TRUE.

WELL, YEAH, I MEAN, CLEARLY, UH,CLEARLY, THIS GUY'S ALREADY

FINISHED AND HE'S ABOUT TOFINISH.

IT'S, LIKE, I'M GONNA GET YOUTHERE, RIGHT OVER THE FINISH

LINE, RIGHT THERE!

>> OR MAYBE THEY'LL SWAP AT THEEND TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

OH, OH, THAT... OH, I'M SORRY.

MY FAULT.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WAS THE LINE.

THAT WAS THE THRESHOLD.

>> THAT WAS IT, WE DID IT AS...

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE!

TOO FAR!

(LAUGHTER)UH, JON LAJOIE.

>> UH, SEE? I TOLD YOU THERE WASNOTHING WEIRD ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OF COURSE.

POINTS. PERFECT.

OH, THEN I THINK WE KNOW WHO'SBLOWING THEM UNDER THE TABLE.

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING)DAMN IT!

>> NAILED IT.

>> HARDWICK: I DIDN'T SAY WHO.

YOU-YOU FILLED THAT INYOURSELVES.

NEXT ONE-- THIS DOPE OF A DEAR.

THIS DOPE OF A DEAR.

>> (WHISPERING): I GUESS YOU'REWONDERING WHY I'M ON THIS WALL.

I'M TRYING TO HIDE FROM GOD.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, SO CREEPY.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT THE SHIT?

UH... STEVE.

>> BUT SCHIZOPHRENIA ALREADYFOUND ME.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)PAUL.

>> DID I SAY GOD? I MEANT DOUG.

I FUCKED DOUG'S WIFE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, UH, NEXT ONE-- THISBLUE-COLLAR BEAU.

>> WHEN I WAS 18, IT BECAMECLEAR MY DOG BUDDY AND I COULD

NO LONGER SHARE THE SAME BED ONACCOUNT OF MY ALLERGIES.

THAT WAS A DARK DAY.

>> HARDWICK: WELL. STEVE.

>> BY THE WAY, DO I LOOK LIKEJOHN GOODMAN?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)JON LAJOIE.

>> FUNNY ENOUGH, WHEN MY WIFEDIED I DIDN'T SHED A SINGLE

TEAR.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THAT WAS CARING. COME ON.

>> BUT THEN I WENT ON A CLOTHES-SHOPPING SPREE AT COSTCO.

>> HARDWICK: BOUGHT... I BOUGHTFIVE OF THIS SHIRT.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> BUT THEN I REALIZED, I DON'THAVE TO FINGER MY DOG IN BED.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, PERFECT.

NEXT ONE-- THIS EASILY IMPRESSEDIDIOT.

>> HELLO?

(CHUCKLES)ANYWAY...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: UH...

JON LAJOIE.

>> ANYWAY, THAT'S HOW YOU MAKEVAGINAS DISAPPEAR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)AND FINALLY, THIS EERIE

EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM.

>> I AM GOING TO GET MY GUN.

(GASPS)>> HARDWICK: NO! NO, I WANT TO

SEE MORE!

WHY DID IT HAVE TO END? STEVE.

>> I TOLD MY DAUGHTER TO STAYAWAY FROM BLACK LABS!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, YES.

POINTS.

POINTS.

JON.

>> UM, AND THAT, KIDS, IS HOWTHE BAND NIRVANA BROKE UP.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)(APPLAUSE)

>> BE-BECAUSE OF THE GUN...

BECAUSE OF THE THING THATHAPPENED.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH,THERE... YEAH.

THANKS FOR WALKING THEM THROUGHIT.

>> BUT THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE THEGREAT MUSIC OF HOLE, SO ANYWAY,

DON'T WORRY.

>> HARDWICK: UH, PAUL.

>> UH, WHICH I, A PUPPET DOG,DID EASILY BECAUSE OF THE LAX

GUN CONTROL LAWS IN THISCOUNTRY!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I ASKED YOU TOTELL ME WHAT THIS DISGRUNTLED

OFFICE BABOON IS SAYING.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UPWITH.

JON, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> WAIT, HOW MUCH MONEYDOES TAYLOR SWIFT MAKE ON HER

SONGS? THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I WRITE ALL THE LYRICS.

THAT SKINNY BITCH IS PAYING MESEVEN BANANAS A DAY.

THAT'S IT, I'M RELEASING OUR SEXTAPE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

FAIR ENOUGH.

STEVE.

>> AW, WHO AM I KIDDING?

MY SCREENPLAY'S TERRIBLE.

THIS SUCKS, I MEAN, THE...

AW, FUCK IT, I'M NOT...

AW, I'M EATING IT.

I'M EATING IT.

NOW IT'S GONE.

>> HARDWICK: PAUL.

PAUL SCHEER.

>> ALL RIGHT.

UGH, HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TOUPDATE ADOBE?

I MEAN, CAN'T THEY JUST WAIT ANDDO ONE BIG UPDATE, NOT A BUNCH

OF LITTLE ONES?

GOD!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,DISCONTINUED PORNO MAGS.

DISCONTINUED PORNO MAGS.

YOU GODDAMN KIDS, YOU DON'T KNOWHOW EASY YOU GOT IT.

BEFORE THE INTERNET, WE ALL HADTO SETTLE FOR WHATEVER RANDOM

DIRTY MAGAZINES WE COULD GET OURMASTURBATORY HANDS ONTO.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THATAIRBRUSHED PLAYBOY CRAP, EITHER.

I MEAN THE GRITTY STUFF, THEREAL STUFF, THE BIG, PENDULOUS

BOOBS WITH THE NIPPLES POINTINGDOWN LIKE HOMER EYEBALLS.

AND BOOBS THAT COULD FEED ANENTIRE ALPACA FARM, THEY WERE SO

BIG.

AND BUSHES SO THICK YOU COULDHIDE A WEATHER VANE IN 'EM.

I'M TALKING ABOUT MAGAZINES LIKEJUGGS, WITH TWO GS.

OR...

OH.

WAIT, UH, THE... I'M SORRY, UH,WHAT IS A TOPIC LIKE ANAL

ANGUISH DOING IN A MAGAZINECALLED JUGGS?

RIGHT HERE.

OH, AND THERE'S A NEW ENEMAORDEAL?

>> BY THE WAY...

>> HARDWICK: GOSH, GUYS, I JUSTGOT OVER THE LAST ONE.

>> THAT TOP THING SAYS, "SOBUSTY, SO HAIRY, SO FREAKIN'

GORGEOUS."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

BY THE WAY, I'M NOT SURE THEY'REUSING A COLON PROPERLY IN

THIS...

INSTANCE RIGHT HERE.

UH...

>> HOW MUCH IS IT?

>> HARDWICK: WAIT, THIS IS FROM2004?

>> WELL, OF COURSE, THAT'S WHENTHE WHOLE ENEMA ORDEAL CAME OUT.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: HEY, GUYS, JUGGS ISABOUT TO BURST WITH MEGA-PREGGO

SCARLET.

>> EW.

>> HARDWICK: SHE'S MEGA-PREGGO.

>> THAT...

>> HARDWICK: OF COURSE... OR THEALWAYS-TASTEFUL BEAVER HUNT.

UH...

WHERE EVERY COVER GIRL LOOKSLIKE A DEAD-EYED FORMER CINNABON

EMPLOYEE.

>> WE HAD BEAVER HUNT MAGAZINEIN CANADA, BUT IT'S COMPLETELY

DIFFERENT.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT,COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO

COME UP WITH AS MANY NAMES FORDISCONTINUED, SLEAZY PORNO MAGS

AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN IN 60SECONDS.

AND BEGIN.

YEAH, STEVE?

>> COPS & THROBBERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> QUEEFERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> SQUIRTERS QUARTERLY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JON.

>> HEY, WHERE'D THAT CUCUMBERGO?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> DISCERNING FISTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THAT'S...

PAUL.

>> STICKY PAGES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> BIG OL' BEEFERS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JON.

>> USE THIS FOR MASTURBATINGYOUR PENIS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

STEVE.

>> HAIRY AREOLAS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH, YOU MEAN HAIREOLAS?

>> HAIREOLAS.

>> HARDWICK: J-JON.

>> PUBES & FALLOPIAN TUBES.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S SO SPECIFIC!

STEVE.

>> RANK UNDERCARRIAGE.

NOW WITH SCRATCH 'N' SMELL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

PAUL.

>> CHOAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JON.

>> HILLARY'S MYSTERY BOX.

>> HARDWICK: POINT... (LAUGHS)OH, MY GOD, POINTS.

DEFINITELY POINTS.