CC Presents: Andrew Kennedy

  • 01/18/2007

LOOK AT THIS,

THEY'VE GOT THE COLOMBIAN FLAG AND THE BRITISH FLAG

JUST IN CASE I FORGOT THAT I'MHALF COLOMBIAN AND HAVE ENGLISH,

- THEY PUT IT UP FOR ME... - [LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I FORGET SOMETIMES.

WHEN I SPEAK IN SPANISH, PEOPLE ARE SHOCKED,

ESPECIALLY LATINOS. LATINOS WILL EITHER

- STARE AT ME...- [LAUGHTER]

OR ANSWER ME IN ENGLISH LIKE I DIDN'T JUST

- SPEAK TO THEM IN SPANISH. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE NEVER FIGURED THAT ONE OUT OR DENY THEY SPEAK SPANISH.

I HAD A DOMINICAN WOMAN DENY SHE SPOKE SPANISH,

'CAUSE I THINK SHE WAS OFFENDED THAT HAVING NEVER MET HER,

I ASSUMED SHE DID, SO SHE WANTED ME TO BE WRONG.

I SAID TO HER, [SPEAKING SPANISH]

[THICK ACCENT] "I DON'T UNDERSTAND A SPANISH, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT.

"THAT'S-- THAT'S PRESUMPTUOUS AND RUDE OF YOU

"TO ASSUME THAT I COULD BE LATINA.

"THAT'S-- CRAZY, FOR YOU TO ASSUME THAT

I COULD BE--THAT I COULD-- THAT I--"

- AND I'M LIKE..." - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"CLEARLY YOU'RE FROM ALABAMA.I AM SO SORRY.

I DIDN'T PICK UP THAT SOUTHERN DRAWL."

"YES, I'M FROM ALAS BAMAS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE WAS-- SHE WAS UPSET.

AND THEY MET IN BOGOTA, WHERE MY FATHER WAS SELLING

ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA'S IN SOUTH AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AT WHAT POINT DID THAT SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA?

[BRITISH ACCENT] "OH YES, I'VE GOT ABOUT TWENTY-SIX

"LEATHER BOUND BOOKS ALL WRITTEN IN ENGLISH

"AND NEEDING TO BE SOLD IN A BUNCH,

WHERE TO GO-- WHERE TO--SOUTH AMERICA, GREAT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY PARENTS DIDN'T UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER WHEN THEY GOT MARRIED,

WHICH IS, I THINK, THE REASON THEY HAD CHILDREN.

THEY WERE TOO POOR TO HIRE INTERPRETERS,

SO PROCREATION BECAME THE NEXT LOGICAL STEP

IN COMMUNICATING WITH ONE ANOTHER.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS THREE, MY FATHER PLEADING WITH ME.

[BRITISH ACCENT] "COME ON, SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES,

"I'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT WACKY WOMAN WANTS.

- "I DON'T KNOW! - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BLOODY HELL."

AND MY MOTHER WOULD BE IN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE

STARING AT UNSOLD BOXES OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA'S.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

AND THAT'S THE FOUNDATION FOR MY CHILDHOOD.

THAT AND EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS WE'D PACK UP AND MOVE

TO DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY.

COLOMBIA, PUERTO RICA, VENEZUELA, HONG KONG,

THE U.S., BACK TO VENEZUELA,BACK TO THE U.S.

APPARENTLY MY FATHER GOT FIRED A LOT.

I THINK YOU CALL THAT "FLEEING NATIONS," TECHNICALLY.

HOW BADLY FIRED DID MY FATHER GET FOR US TO GO TO HONG KONG?

"OH, DADDY REALLY BUGGERED IT UP THIS TIME I'M AFRAID.

COME ON.PACK IT UP. PACK IT UP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NINE-YEARS-OLD,MY OLDER BROTHER WAS 11;

MY YOUNGER BROTHER LAWRENCE WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD.

WE WERE KIDS LIVING IN HONG KONG.HOW COOL IS THAT?

THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND,EVERYTHING YOU WERE PLAYING WITH

WAS MADE HERE, RIGHT HERE. THEY HAVE IT IN STOCK.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

WE'RE GETTING EVERYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS, LOLO.

- WE'RE GET-- JUST-- - [LAUGHTER]

HOW COOL IT IS AS A KIDTO TURN OVER YOUR TOY

AND JUST READ, "MADE HERE."

- [BING, BING] - [LAUGHTER]

THEN WE WENT TO THE STATES, WENT BACK TO VENEZUELA,

AND THEN MOVED TONEW CANAAN, CONNECTICUT,

THE WHITEST TOWN ON THE PLANET.

DO YOU KNOW HOW I KNOWIT WAS THE WHITEST TOWN?

'CAUSE I WAS THE BLACK KID AT SAX MIDDLE SCHOOL,

THAT'S HOW WHITE THIS TOWN WAS.I WAS THE BLACK KID, LOOK AT ME.

I LOOK LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS IN

[SNOOTY VOICE]NEW CANAAN, CONNECTICUT, OH YES.

BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH THAT YOU LOOK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE THERE

'CAUSE THEY CHECK YOUR BLOODLINES WHEN YOU MOVE INTO THE TOWN

BEFORE YOU CAN BECOMEPART OF THE COLLECTIVE.

THEY PULLED ME OUT OF CLASS ONE DAY.

"OH YES, WE HAVE THE RESULTS-- ANDREW,

AND THERE'S A GLITCH IN YOUR DNA."

- "WHAT? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

A GLITCH IN MY D--" "YES. YOU'RE NOT ALL WHITE.

"YES, YOU ARE A LATINO WITH SOME TYPE OF CAUCASIAN GLAZING.

- "YES IT'S-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"A NEW TYPE OF HISPANICNOT EASILY DETECTED,AND WE'RE NO PLEASED.

HOW CAN WE PROFILE? WE CAN'T DO IT."

'CAUSE WHEN YOU COMBINE ETHNICITIES,

YOU COULD END UP WITH JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

MY FAMILY IS A RECESSIVE GENE POOL.

IT'S LIKE A FRAPPE OF RECESSIVENESS.

MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE WAS BLACK.

YEAH, TAKE THAT IN FOR A SECOND,

I DIDN'T WANNA START AND OPEN THE SHOW WITH THAT,

I WANTED TO EASE INTO THAT. MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER

ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE WAS BLACK, MOEISA.

AND SHE MARRIED A EUROPEAN, AND HER DAUGHTER,

MY GRANDMOTHER MARRIED A EUROPEAN,

SO THERE'S A LOT OFRECESSIVENESS GOING ON,

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY MY BROTHERS AND I LOOK NOTHING AT ALL ALIKE.

MY BROTHERS AND I ARE ALL DIFFERENT HEIGHTS, HAIR COLOR,

EYE COLOR, SKIN TONE, SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

WE DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A FAMILY.

YOU LOOK AT A PHOTO IT LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE

JUST GATHERED AT ABUS STOP ON A SUNNY DAY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT A FOUR-YEAR-OLD, TWO-AND-A-HALF-YEAR-OLD,

AND A SIX-WEEK BABY GIRL. IT'S AWESOME.

- IT'S AWESOME. - [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

SO NOW MY PARENTS WANT TO MOVE BACK FROM FLORIDA

TO BE CLOSER TO THEIR GRANDCHILDREN

WHICH, I DON'T THINK IS A GOOD IDEA, BECAUSE MY FATHER'S

LOSING HIS MIND. HE'S COMPLETELY CRAZY.

WE THOUGHT HE WAS CRAZY BEFORE, HE'S 73-YEARS-OLD.

IT'S NOT GOOD.

LAST TIME THEY WERE VISITING HE GOT PULLED OVER BY A COP,

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF GETTING THE TICKET POLITELY DISAGREED

AND DROVE AWAY. LIKE, YOU CAN DO THAT, LIKE YOU CAN ACTUALLY

HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH A COP WHO PULLS YOU OVER AND TELL HIM

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,

AND THEN GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

"OH, YES OFFICER SMYTH,OFFICER SMYTH,

- "WELL THERE, YOU GOT ME. WHOA. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU VERY EFFECTIVELY GUIDED ME TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

"WITH YOUR INTERESTING ILLUMINATIONS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- HAZZA." - [LAUGHTER]

LIKE HE'S FROM THE 1500s OR SOMETHING, AND YOU CAN'T EVEN--

"UNFORTUNATELY, MY WIFE VITA AND I VEHEMENTLY DISAGREE

WITH YOUR ASSESSMENT.SO, GOOD DAY--" AND JUST DROVE--

- JUST TOOK OFF. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SO NOW OF COURSE, HE GETS CHASED AGAIN,

AND NOW IT'S FIVE COP CARS, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO

WHEN YOU RUN FROM THE POLICE, THEY CHASE YOU, EVEN IF YOU'VE

GOT YOUR TURN SIGNAL ON, AND MERGING BACK ONTO TRAFFIC,

CLUELESS THAT YOU'RE BEING CHASED AGAIN.

SO HE GOT PULLED OVER AGAIN.

AND NOW HE STARTS CORRECTING THE COP'S GRAMMAR.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY FATHER DOES,

'CAUSE HE'S 73-YEARS-OLD, AND A RETIRED ENGLISHMAN.

THAT'S WHAT HE THINKS HIS JOB IS.

HE'LL OVERHEAR YOU WITH YOUR FRIENDS SPEAKING,

AND YOU SAY SOMETHING INCORRECT,

AND HE'LL JUST BLURT OUT,"IT'S ANYWAYS."

"WHAT? WHO SAID THAT? IS THAT MR. MAGOO? WHAT?"

"YES, I OVERHEARD YOU SAY 'ANYWAYS,' BUT THERE IS NO 'S'

"AT THE END OF THAT WORD. THE WORD IS 'ANYWAY.'

"THAT IS A WORDIN OUR ENGLISH LANGUAGE, YOURS AND MINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S SHORTER,ISN'T THAT A GOOD REASON

TO USE THE RIGHT BLOODY WORD?"

HE GETS UPSET. SO NOW HE'S CORRECTINGTHE COPS GRAMMAR,

AND AT THAT SAME MOMENT I'M IN MY HOUSE WITH MY WIFE,

AND WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE AFTERNOON SEX,

WHICH DOESN'T HAPPEN EVER BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A

FOUR-YEAR-OLD, A TWO-AND-A-HALF-YEAR-OLD, AND A BRAND-NEW BABY GIRL,

THAT'S JUST LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY,

IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.BUT IT'S HAPPENING NOW,

AND THAT'S WHEN MY MOTHER CALLS ME ON THE PHONE.

"[SPEAKING SPANISH]...AND NOW HE'S CORRECTINGTHE POLICEMAN'S GRAMMAR

AND THE POLICEMAN DON'T LIKE IT."

- YOU KNOW, IT'S SO... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE ARE YOU? "LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW,

WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE."

OKAY, YEAH. SO I'M NAKED. I WAS AROUSED,

I'M NOT AROUSED ANYMORE,BUT I'M STILL NAKED,

AND I'M LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW AND I CAN HEAR MY FATHER

ON THE CELL PHONE GIVE A COP A GRAMMAR LESSON.

"YOU'RE NOT BRINGING ME TO JAILYOU'RE TAKING ME TO JAIL.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"JAIL IS NOT HERE, IT'S IN A SEPARATE LOCATION,

"AND YOU ARE TAKING METO SAID LOCATION.

"YOU-- YOU COULD ONLY BRING SOMETHING "TO THE SPEAKER,

- TO THE SPEAKER. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU, OFFICER SMYTH, IN THIS CASE, ARE THE SPEAKER.

YES, YOU ARE." HE'S SO BAD, ISN'T HE? HE'S SO CONDESCENDING.

"YOU COULD SAY, 'BRING ME COOKIES,'

"AND I MIGHT CHOSE TO DO SO OR NOT,

- "PROBABLY NOT,- [LAUGHTER]

"DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU ARE, TAKING ME TO JAIL.

I DON'T WANT TO GO."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

LAST TIME WE WERE IN FLORIDA, HE PUT HIMSELF IN HIS OWN

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

WE'VE BEEN LIVING IN THIS COUNTRY FOR 20 YEARS.

THAT'S 20 YEARS OF JUNK MAIL.

AND ONE DAYHE JUST FINALLY SNAPPED.

AND HE WALKED DOWN THE STAIRS WITH AN ELECTRIC CHAINSAW

AND OUT THE FRONT DOOR."IT ENDS TODAY!" WHAT?

WHAT'S DAD DOING WITH A CHAIN SAY?

[SPANISH ACCENT] "I DON'T CARE AS LONG AS HE'S NOT DOING IT

- IN THE HOUSE." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO WE HEAR THE CHAINSAW GO ON,

AND THEN HE WALKS IN WITH THE MAILBOX STILL ATTACHED

TO HALF THE POST. "WE'VE GOT A P.O. BOX NOW.

"WE'RE INCOGNITO, NOT MORE JUNK MAIL

"COMING TO 20 COTTONWOOD COURT, 'CAUSE I'VE GOT THE MAILBOX.

IT'S TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE."

- [LAUGHTER] - HE'S RIDICULOUS.

AND SO IF ANYTHING GETS THROUGH THE FIREWALL HE SET UP, RIGHT,

HE'LL HAND WRITE LETTERS, 'CAUSE HE'S UPSETANYTHING GETS THROUGH.

HOW CAN JUNK MAIL, [BRITISH ACCENT] "DEAR KMART,

"YES HOW-- HOW-- HOW COULD I PUT THIS DELICATELY,

"I ASKED YOU REPEATEDLY TO REMOVE ME FROM YOUR COUPON LIST

- EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. - [LAUGHTER]

[BLEEP] OFF. YOU KNOWHE WAS A LOSS FOR WORDS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

MY FATHER IS 5'7", 142 POUNDS,NOT ATHLETIC WHATSOEVER.

EVERY FATHER-SON THING WE EVER DID,

WE LOST MISERABLE.

[BRITISH ACCENT] "WE'LL GET THEM NEXT TIME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"NO, NO WE WON'T DAD.

NO. WE RAN THE WRONG WAY, YEAH?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WELL, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA GO AGAINST THE GRAIN,

- THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY." - [LAUGHTER]

"THEY HAD CONES DAD.THEY HAD CONES FOR US."

[LAUGHTER]

SO HE'S THIS LITTLE GUY,ENORMOUSLY WELL ENDOWED,

LIKE PORN STAR, LEGENDARY, TALK-OF-THE-STATE LARGE. OKAY?

AND MY 2 1/2 YEAR-OLD SON GOT IT.

IT SKIPPED ME, BUT GOT HIM RIGHT BETWEEN THE LEGS.

HOW WEIRD IS THAT? HOW WEIRD IS THAT, THAT I HAVE

THE GENETIC INFORMATION TO CREATE AN ENORMOUS ONE,

IT'S JUST NOT FROM ME. IT'S JUST-- RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT A GLANCING BLOW,BUT I-- I DIDN'T GET THE

[BRITISH ACCENT] "STAFF OF KNOWLEDGE, WELL DONE!

I SAY HE'S GOT IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE BEING THE CARRIER, THE MESSENGER,

LIKE A UPS GUY THAT HOLDS ONTO A PACKAGE FOR 32 YEARS

AND THEN HANDS IT OFF TO HIS SECOND BORN.

AND MY WIFE WON'T EVEN LET ME HAVE FUN WITH THE REACTION

FROM PEOPLE THAT SEE HIMBECAUSE THERE ARE MANY

ASSUMPTIONS MADE OF ME."APPLE TREE, NOT FAR."

WHENEVER THEY SEE IAN, LIKE AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

HE WAS AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND THE NURSE WALKED IN,

- SAW IAN, "WOW."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- LOOKED AT ME, HMMM.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- AND SO OF COURSE, I WENT... - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[SUAVE VOICE] "THAT'S HOW WE ROLL AROUND HERE."

[MEN CHEERING]

AND MY WIFE SAW THE WHOLE THING.

SO SHE JUST CHIMES IN, "OH, HE DIDN'T GET IT FROM HIM.

"MR. MAGOO OVER HERE IS THE GUY YOU SHOULD BE FLIRTING WITH."

[LAUGHTER]

THERE ARE SO MANY CLOSE CALLS.

SO MANY, THAT I DON'T TELL MY WIFE ALL OF THEM.

AS LONG ASNOBODY GETS REALLY HURT,WHY TELL HER EVERYTHING?

THAT'S JUST DUMB, ISN'T IT, RIGHT?

LIKE WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR KIDAT A SUPER STORE FOR 45 MINUTES,

BUT THEN YOU FIND HIM, WE FOUND HIM.

WE WERE ONLY ONLOCKDOWN FOR 45 MINUTES.

NOBODY WAS GOING IN, NOBODY WAS COMING OUT.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE PLAYEDHIDE-AND-SEEK WITH HIM.

THAT WAS MY FAULT. THAT WAS STUPID.

'CAUSE HE'S REALLY GOOD,HE DOESN'T MAKE A SOUND.YOU CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

NAVY SEALS WOULD LEARN FROM AIDAN HOW TO KEEP QUIET.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT BIG N' TALL UNDERWEAR RACK HE WAS HIDING UNDER.

WE WERE IN PENNSYLVANIA AT A HOTEL A FEW YEARS AGO

AND IAN WAS 10 MONTHSAT THE TIME AND AMY WENT

TO PUT HER MAKEUP ONIN THE BATHROOM AND SHE TOLD ME,

"HONEY, I PUT IAN ON THE BED, JUST WATCH HIM."

HE'S 10-MONTHS-OLD, "JUST WATCH HIM. IT'S SIMPLE,

WATCH HIM,I'M GONNA DO MY MAKEUP."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,BUT 10-MONTH-OLD CHILDREN

DON'T STAY ON A BEDFOR VERY LONG.

THEY REALLY DON'T. THEY'LL FIND THE EDGE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY,

AND SIT WITH THEIR BACKTO THE EDGE OF THE BED.

SO, I'M WATCHING A SHOW WITH AIDAN,

AND I TURN AROUND TO SEEMY SON FALL OFF THE BED,

IN SLOW MOTION, 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T STOP IT FROM HAPPENING.

ALL I CAN DO IS REMEMBER THE HORRIBLE SCENE AS IT UNFOLDS

RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. IT WAS SLOW-MOTION,

BUT HE DID A PERFECT TUCK AND ROLL,

AND IT WAS LIKE THE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL

CAME TO THE RAMADA INN--NOTHING HAPPENED.

HE BURPED, LAUGHED,SHE WALKED OUT, I PICKED HIM UP,

WE'RE PLAYING SUPERMAN,SUPERMAN LOOK AT THIS.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BLEEKY, BLEEKY, BLEEKY, BLEES. BLEEKY, BLEEKY, STINKY KNEES.

'CAUSE YOU COVER UP WITHSTUPID SONGS WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

BUT MY WIFE AMY KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP,THEY ALWAYS KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- "GIVE ME THE BABY." - [LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE-- JUST THE MESS,THE HORRIFIC AFTERMATH.

WHEN YOU GO IN WITH KIDS THERE'S FOOD ON THE TABLE.

THERE'S FOOD UNDERNEATH THE TABLE,

ON OTHER PEOPLE'S PLATES. "OH YEAH, I'M SO SORRY.

"YOU KNOW I KNOW YOU DIDN'T ORDER CHICKEN NUGGETS,

"I WAS--BUT HE JUST THROWS 'EM,

"IAN LIKES TO THROW CHICKEN--HE USED TO THROW ROCKS.

SO THAT'S BETTER, ISN'T IT?" IAN'S ALWAYS THROWING STUFF.

"STOP THROWING CHICKEN NUGGETS IAN, OKAY? OR THE FOOD MONSTER'S

GONNA GET YOU," THAT'S HOW I GET HIM TO STOP.

THE FOOD MONSTER, REMEMBER THE FOOD MONSTER?"

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

BUT I MADE UP THE FOOD MONSTER, "STOP IT."

AND AIDAN, FOUR-YEAR-OLD AIDAN,

WANTS TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING HE SEES,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE DOES. SO HE LOOKS OVER,

AND HE'S NOTICED THE MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN AT THE END TABLE.

AND THAT'S WHATHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT.

HEY DADDY, DADDY, LOOK AT THAT LADY, DADDY.

AND I'D SEEN HER WHEN WE WALKED IN, RIGHT, BUT I DID WHAT WE ALL DO,

WHICH IS, YOU TAKE IT IN, AND YOU LET IT GO,

YOU NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YEAH AIDAN, YEAH I SEE HER. THAT'S NICE, EAT YOUR FOOD.

IAN, STOP THROWING THE CHICKEN NUGGETS, OKAY,

REMEMBER? NO DADDY,THAT LADY'S REALLY FAT.

HE WON'T STOP. HE WON'T LET IT GO.

AND HE'S GETTING LOUDER EVERY TIME,

'CAUSE I'M NOT GIVING HIM THE REACTION THAT HE'S LOOKING FOR.

AND I DON'T WANNA MAKE A SCENE AND I JUST WANT HIM TO STOP.

YOU KNOW, YEAH, SHE'S A LITTLE LARGE.

THAT'S VERY NICE, YOU KNOW, IAN, PLEASE STOP

WITH THE CHICKEN NUGGETS. I-- THAT'S GREAT.

AND NOW THE PEOPLE AROUND US ARE CRINGING

'CAUSE THEY CAN HEAR HIM. SHE CAN'T, BUT THEY'RE

CHOKING ON THEIR FOOD 'CAUSE-- AND THEY'RE LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE,

"PLEASE, STOP HIM FROM LETTING HER HEAR HIM.

HE'S A CUTE KID, YOU JUST GOTTA STOP HIM."

AND HE'S LIKE DADDY, "NO DADDY, THAT LADY IS FAT."

FINALLY I SNAPPED, "YES, SHE'S ENORMOUS, I GET IT, SHE'S BIG!

"AND LOOK, SHE'S OKAY WITH IT. LOOK WHAT SHE ORDERED.

LOOK WHAT SHE ORDERED, AIDAN!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"TWO BURGERS, A ROOT BEER FLOAT AND ALL THE FRIES, HOT OR COLD.

"WHO ORDERS ALL THE FRIES? YOU KNOW WHAT,

"SHE IS THE FOOD MONSTER, THAT'S-- IAN,

STOP THROWING CHICKEN NUGGETS, SHE'S GONNA GET YOU."

AND MY WIFE'S STANDING UP, "CHECK PLEASE. CHECK--"

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

Loading...