Tuesday, April 22, 2014

  • 04/22/2014

Jessica St. Clair, Lennon Parham and Rob Huebel list #GreenTVShows, write slogans for a bootleg Viagra medication and create upsetting online dating usernames.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HEY, GUYS, THIS MAKES ME SO

HAPPY, RAPID REFRESH HAS A

SPONSOR, WHICH MEANS WE GET TO

KEEP MAKING SHOWS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

YOU'RE GOING TO STEP ON ME

SAYING THE SPONSOR.

SHUT UP.

RAPID REFRESH TODAY IS BROUGHT

TO YOU BY: "DARK SOULS 2," IN

STORES NOW.

"DARK SOULS II" SPONSORING

RAPID REFRESH.

OKAY, THIS IS BAD NEWS FOR BINGE

WATCHERS, NETFLIX ANNOUNCED

THEY'RE GOING TO BE RAISING THE

PRICE OF THEIR STREAMING SERVICE

FOR NEW CUSTOMERS.

OH, COLLECTIVE GASP.

ARE YOU ALREADY A NETFLIX

MEMBER?

THEN SHUT UP, IT'S FOR NEW

MEMBERS.

IT'S TWO BUCKS A MONTH, ALL

RIGHT?

IT'S TWO EXTRA DOLLARS A MONTH

YOU CAN SCRAPE TOGETHER.

THEY CAN PROVIDE YOU SO MUCH

EXTRA ENTERTAINMENT, GUYS.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS A REAL

MOVIE CURRENTLY STREAMING ON

NETFLIX?

A) "ZOMBIE ASS: TOILET OF THE

DEAD".

(LAUGHTER)

DO YOU SEE NOW WHERE THE EXTRA

TWO DOLLARS IS GOING TO GO?

(LAUGHTER)

B) "WHITE FISH: A CELEBRATION OF

JEWISH SEAWORLD."

(LAUGHTER)

OR C) "WEREMILFS IN LONDON."

ROB HUEBEL.

>> I HOPE IT'S "WEREMILFS IN

LONDON."

>> Chris: I'M SO SORRY, A IS THE

CORRECT ANSWER, "ZOMBIE ASS:

TOILET OF THE DEAD."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND JUST IN CASE YOU WANT TO

KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, IT'S ONLY 85

MINUTES OF YOUR TIME SO YOU KNOW

IT'S GOING TO BE GOOD.

A CROWD OF ZOMBIES ATTACKS A

GROUP OF TEENAGERS, ONE OF THEM

HAS AN UNUSUAL TIE TO THE

UNDEAD AND ONE WHO HOLDS THE

KEY TO THEIR ESCAPE.

SO I DON'T SEE ANY ZOMBIES OR--

YOU DON'T EVEN REALLY SEE ASS IN

THAT PICTURE, BUT...

(LAUGHTER)

>> IT SOUNDS SO SEXY UNTIL YOU

GET TO THE TOILET PART.

>> YEAH.

YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ALCOHOL IS SO

INCONVENIENT YOU'VE GOT TO OPEN

THE BOTTLE, DRINK IT, GET

ARRESTED, WHO HAS THE TIME?

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, SCIENCE FINALLY INVENTED

SOMETHING ALCOHOLICALLY

MIRACULOUS.

THIS IS ONE OF THE TOP GOOGLE

SEARCHES TODAY, YOU GUYS.

SO YOU KNOW PEOPLE ARE GETTING

THE SHAKES JUST THINKING ABOUT

IT.

WHAT IS THIS BOOZY BREAKTHROUGH?

IS IT A) WINE GELCAPS?

B) POWDERED ALCOHOL.

C) ELECTRONIC BEER.

COME ON.

WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> POWDERED ALCOHOL, BRO.

>> Chris: YEAH, BRO, POWDERED

ALCOHOL, THERE IT IS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ANSWERS OFTEN POSE SOME OF

LIFE'S MOST DIFFICULT QUESTIONS,

BUT THIS ONE WAS SUCH A STUMPER

WE THOUGHT IT WAS WORTHY OF ONLY

ONE PERSON TO READ IT, AND HERE

HE IS, THE STAR OF "SHATNER'S

WORLD," MR. WILLIAM SHATNER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THE QUESTION IS TITLED, "THIS

GUY AT MY CHURCH LOOKS LIKE

WILLIAM SHATNER?"

AND THE POST READS, "WOULD IT BE

AWKWARD TO BUY HIM A GOLD STAR

FLEET UNIFORM FOR CHRISTMAS?

LIKE, IF OUR CHURCH ENDS UP

DOING A GIFT EXCHANGE AGAIN?

HE DOESN'T KNOW ME VERY WELL,

BUT HE USUALLY TAKES JOKES

PRETTY WELL.

WORST-CASE SCENARIO, HE WOULDN'T

GET THE REFERENCE.

AND I'M FINE WITH THAT.

BUT WOULD IT BE TOO AWKWARD ON

HIS END?

I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE END UP

GIVING GAG GIFTS ANYWAY."

(LAUGHTER)

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I HOPE YOU WERE FEELING

CONNECTED TO THE PLANET BECAUSE

TODAY WAS EARTH DAY, WHICH IS

LIKE FATHER'S DAY, EXCEPT YOU

BUY A SNAZZY TIE FOR THE EARTH.

BUT WE'VE GOT AN EVEN BETTER

GIFT.

IN HONOR OF EARTH DAY, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #GREENTVSHOWS.

SOME EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE--

OH, WELL, YOU SEEM CONFUSED BY

THAT SO I'LL EXPLAIN TO YOU.

EXAMPLES OF THIS MIGHT BE BOB'S

VEGGIE BURGERS.

OR DOCTOR WHO LEFT ALL THE

LIGHTS ON?

OR UFC: ULTIMATE FRISBEE

CHAMPIONSHIP.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK AND GO.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> KALE-AFORNICATION.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LENNON.

>> THE WALKING, NOT DRIVING,

DEAD.

>> Chris: POINTS!

HUEBEL.

>> COMMUNE-ITY.

>> Chris: EHH...

>> COME ON!

COME ON!

FINE, TAKE THEM ALL AWAY.

TAKE THEM ALL AWAY.

I DON'T CARE, WIPE THEM CLEAN.

>> Chris: YOU'RE GOING TO CARE

IF I TAKE ALL YOUR POINTS AWAY.

>> PLEASE DON'T TAKE THEM AWAY.

>> Chris: OKAY, I WON'T TAKE

THEM.

LENNON.

>> JUST THE TEN PRIUS.

>> Chris: TEN... OH, JUST THE

TEN OF US.

YES, POINTS.

NO, THAT'S AN OLDER DEMOGRAPHIC,

YES, YES, YES.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> CSI THINK WE CAN RECYCLE

THIS, GUYS.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

INTO A SHOW THAT TAKES PLACE IN

MIAMI.

JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

>> BREAKING I FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT

BRINGING MY BAG TO WHOLE FOODS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, WELL DONE.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> AMERICAN HORROR STORY BECAUSE

OF FOSSIL FUEL.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HERE'S WHERE I MAKE FUN OF

PEOPLE WHO POST SELFIES IN

PLACES LIKE THE GYM, WHEN I

RECENTLY POSTED A SELFIE OF

MYSELF IN A SPIDER MAN SHIRT AT

THE GYM.

(LAUGHTER)

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU... IT'S COOL WHEN I DO IT,

THOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME

SELF-ABSORBED FIT-PICS.

FOR 250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO GIVE

ME THAT PERSON'S INNER

MONOLOGUE.

(LAUGHTER)

I LOVE THAT YOU'RE ANTICIPATING

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

THIS MIGHT BE FINE.

THIS MIGHT BE TOTALLY NORMAL.

LET'S START WITH THE WOMAN WHO

STARTED THE BUTT-SELFIE MOVEMENT

HERSELF, JEN SELTER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ROB HUEBEL.

>> HEY, HEY, GUYS, JUST PUT UP A

NEW PROFILE PIC ON FACE-BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: FACE-BUTT.

>> I CALLED IT FACE-BUTT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> DAD!

DAD!

DAD, GET OUT OF HERE!

I'M HANGING WITH MY FRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

CAN I DO AN AUDIO CUE?

>> Chris: YES, PLEASE.

(FART SOUND)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE AN

OUTER MONOLOGUE THAN AN INNER

MONOLOGUE.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR IT.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR IT.

>> SHE URINATES LIKE MY DOG

DOES.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> CHRIS: WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU TELLING ME YOUR DOG

URINATES WHILE TAKING A SELFIE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> NO, MY DOG HAS A REALLY SWEET

ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH, ROB!

>> Chris: WELL, LOOK AT THIS

SWEAT-SOAKED BLOKE.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS LIKE A SWEAT RORSCHACH

TEST, SO YOU'RE GOING TO SEE

WHATEVER... JESSICA ST. CLAIR?

>> PENIS SHOWN IS ACTUAL SIZE,

LADIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE

WHO I JUST BUMPED INTO GETTING

OUT OF THE SHOWER.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL!

SEE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NEXT ONE.

LOOK AT THIS ACTIVE COUPLE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

YES, LENNON.

>> I LOVE WORKING OUT WITH MY

SISTER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

YEAH, POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHO'S TAKING THE PICTURE?

>> EXACTLY.

THEIR MOM.

>> Chris: THEIR MOM.

100 POINTS TO JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IF ONLY THERE WAS A VIDEO

UPLOADING APP THAT ALLOWED

PEOPLE TO MIMIC WHAT CERTAIN

PEOPLE BE LIKE IN SIX-SECOND

INCREMENTS.

WHAT'S THAT, YOU SAY?

THERE IS?

THE "BLOBBITY BLOBBITY BE LIKE"

TREND ON VINE IS PRETTY MUCH

UBIQUITOUS, SO COMEDIANS, I'M

GOING TO SHOW YOU A THUMBNAIL

OF A VINE AND GIVE YOU TWO

OPTIONS.

YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHICH ONE IS

BE LIKE IS RIGHT, OKAY?

HERE WE GO, FIRST ONE, FIRST

ONE.

ROB HUEBEL?

>> GIRL SEEING HER BESTIE BE

LIKE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> WHEN A GIRL SEE HER BESTIE,

SHE BE LIKE--

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> IT'S TRUE, IT'S 100% TRUE.

>> Chris: IS THIS TRUE?

>> LENNON AND I ARE...

(SCREAMING)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

LENNON.

>> RATCHET GIRLS IN CLASS BE

LIKE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, MY GOD.

I HATE THIS CLASS.

WHAT HER WORD?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> OH, MAN.

>> Chris: ALL THOSE RATCHET

GIRLS.

>> SHE TOOK US ON A REAL

EMOTIONAL JOURNEY IN THAT VINE,

DIDN'T SHE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THERE WAS AN ARC.

IT WAS WELL DONE.

>> YEAH.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE:

YES, JESSICA.

>> CHICKS TAKING SELFIES BE

LIKE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> UNICORNS BE LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)

>> NO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FLAG.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANKS TO ONLINE DATING, WITH

THE CLICK OF A BUTTON, THOUSANDS

OF SINGLES HAVE FOUND THEIR

BETTER HALF, AND WITH THE SIMPLE

CLICK OF A BUTTON, COUNTLESS

MORE HAVE FELT DISTURBED AND

VIOLATED.

SOME VERY REAL OKCUPID USERNAMES

INCLUDE BALLSDEEPNOCOND, AND

SISTERWIFE4U, CHLAMYDIA_LYDIA.

THERE SHE IS!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(LAUGHTER)

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> Chris: SHE'S IN BROOKLYN.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO RING IN

WITH SOME BRAND NEW RED FLAG

DATING USERNAMES.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, AND GO.

YES, LENNON.

>> WIDOWED THREE TIMES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

ROB HUEBEL.

>> PULL OUT AND PRAY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> EEW!

EEW!

>> Chris: PRAY THAT YOU DON'T

GET PREGNANT OR JUST LIKE LET'S

HAVE OUR MOMENT WITH THE LORD?

>> I THINK IT'S JUST PULL OUT

AND LET'S JUST HAVE SOME

SPIRITUALITY.

>> Chris: GOOD, POINTS, POINTS.

LENNON.

>> TEA-PAR-TAY.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

JESSICA.

>> LET'S SEE.

SECRETLY YOUR MOM.

(LAUGHTER)

WOULDN'T THAT BE A HOW DO YOU

DO, RIGHT?

>> Chris: THAT WOULD BE, WHAT A

SHOCKER.

POINTS.

LENNON.

>> KING JOFFREY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

ROB.

>> TOM FROM MYSPACE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YEAH.

(BUZZER)

>> WHY IS IT OVER THE SHOULDER?

>> Chris: POINTS.

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