Tuesday, April 22, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01052
  • 04/22/2014

Jessica St. Clair, Lennon Parham and Rob Huebel list #GreenTVShows, write slogans for a bootleg Viagra medication and create upsetting online dating usernames.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH,

HEY, GUYS-- THIS MAKES ME SOHAPPY, "RAPID REFRESH" HAS A

SPONSOR, WHICH MEANS WE GET TOKEEP MAKING SHOWS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP.

YOU'RE GOING TO STEP ON MESAYING THE SPONSOR.

SHUT UP.

"RAPID REFRESH" IS BROUGHT TOYOU BY

"THE DARK SOULS 2," IN STORESNOW.

>> BAD NEWS FOR BINGE WATCHERS--NETFLIX ANNOUNCED THEY'RE GOING

TO BE RAISING THE PRICE OF THEIRSTREAMING SERVICE FOR NEW

CUSTOMERS.

OH, COLLECTIVE GASP.

ARE YOU ALREADY A MEMBER?

SHUT UP. IT'S FOR NEW MEMBERS.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS A REALMOVIE STREAMING ON

NETFLIX?

"ZOMBIE ASS: TOILET OF THEDEAD."

YOU SEE WHERE THE EXTRA $2 ISGOING TO GO?

"WHITEFISH: A CELEBRATION OFJEWISH SEAWORLD."

ORWEREMILFS IN LONDON."

ROB HUEBEL.

>> I HOPE IT'SWEREMILFS IN LONDON."

SORRY, THE ANSWER IS"ZOMBIE ASS: TOILET OF THE

DEAD."

IT'S ONLY 85 MINUTES OF YOURTIME.

A CROWD OF ZOMBIES ATTACKS AGROUP OF TEENAGERS, AND ONE

HOLDS THE KEY TO THEIR ESCAPE.

I DON'T SEE ANY ZOMBIES OR-- YOUDON'T EVEN REALLY SEE ASS IN

THAT PICTURE, BUT--

>> IS SOUNDS SO SEXY UNTIL YOUGET TO THE TOILET PART.

( LAUGHTER )>> ALCOHOL IS SO INCONVENIENT

YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE BOTTLE,DRINK IT, GET ARRESTED-- WHO HAS

THE TIME?

WELL, SCIENCE FINALLY iNVENTEDSOMETHING MIRACULOUS.

WHAT IS THIS BOOZE BREAKTHROUGH?

A-- WINE GELCAPSB-- POWDERED ALCOHOL

C-- ELECTRONIC BEER.

HEUBEL.

>> POWDERED ALCOHOL, BRO.

>> YES, POWDERED ALCOHOL, THEREIT IS.

>> USERS OF YAHOO! ANSWERS OFTENPOSE SOME OF LIFE'S MOST

DIFFICULT QUESTIONS, BUT THISONE WAS SUCH A STUMPER WE

THOUGHT IT WAS WORTHY OF ONLYONE PERSON TO READ IT, AND HERE

HE IS, THE STAR OF "SHATNER'SWORLD, MR. WILLIAM SHATNER.

>> THE QUESTION IS TITLED, "THISGUY AT MY CHURCH LOOKS LIKE

WILLIAM SHATNER?"AND THE POST READS, "WOULD IT BE

AWKWARD TO BUY HIM A GOLDSTAREDFLEET UNIFORM FOR CHRISTMAS?

LIKE, IF OUR CHURCH END UP DOINGA GIFT EXCHANGE AGAIN?

HE DOESN'T KNOW ME VERY WELL,BUT HE USUALLY TAKES JOKES

PRETTY WELL.

WORST-CASE SCENARIO, HE WOULDN'TGET THE REFERENCE.

BUT WOULD IT BE TOO AWKWARD ONHIS END?

I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE END UPGIVING GAG GIFTS ANYWAY."

#HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I HOPE YOU WERE FEELING

CONNECTED TO THE PLANET.

TODAY WAS EARTH DAY, WHICH ISLIKE FATHER'S DAY, EXCEPT YOU

BUY A SNAZZY TIE FOR THE EARTH.

BUT WE'VE GOT A BETTER GIFT.

IN HONOR OF EARTH DAY, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #GREENTVSHOWS.

EXAMPLES ARE-- SEEM CONFUSED SOI'LL EXPLAIN.

BOB'S VEGGIE BURGERS.

DOCTOR WHO LEFT ALL THESE LIGHTSON.

AND UFC: ULTIMATE FRISBEECHAMPIONSHIP.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK STARTING NOW.

>> KALE-IFORNICATION.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> THE WALKING, NOT DRIVING,DEAD.

>> POINTS!

>> HEUBEL.

>> COMMUNE-ITY!

>> EEH.

>> COME ON! TAKE ALL MY POINTS!

YOU'RE GOING TO CARE IF I TAKEALL YOUR POINTS AWAY.

LENNON.

>> JUST THE 10 PRIUS

>> THAT'S AN OLDER DEMOGRAPHICS.

>> CSI-- I THINK WE CAN RECYCLETHIS, GUYS.

>> YES, POINTS.

>> A SHOW THAT TAKES PLACE INMIAMI.

JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

>> BREAKING I FEEL BAD FOR NOTBRINGING MY BAG TO WHOLE FOODS.

>> AMERICAN HORROR STORY:BECAUSE OF FOSSIL FUEL.

"SELFIE CONTROL."

HERE'S WHERE I MAKE FUN OFPEOPLE WHO POST SELFIES

IN PLACES LIKE THE GYM, WHEN IRECENTLY POSTED A SELFIE OF

MYSELF IN A SPIDER-MAN SHIRT ATTHE GYM.

( LAUGHTER )SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW

YOU-- IT'S COOL WHEN I DO IT,THOUGH.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOMESELF-ABSORBED FIT-PICS.

YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THATPERSON'S INNER MONOLOGUE.

I LOVE THAT YOU'REANTICIPATING--

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

THIS MIGHT BE FINE.

THIS MIGHT BE TOTALLY NORMAL.

LET'S START WITH THE WOMAN WHOSTARTED THE BUTT-SELFIE TREND.

>> HEY, HEY, GUYS, JUST PUT UP ANEW PROFILE PICK ON FACE-BUTT.

I CALLED IT FACE-BUTT.

>> DAD!

DAD!

GET OUT OF HERE!

I'M HANGING WITH MY FRIENDS.

CAN I DO AN AUDIO QUEUE.

>> YES, PLEASE.

>> THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE ANOUTER MONOLOGUE THAN AN INNER

MONOLOGUE.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR IT.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINT FOR IT.

>> SHE URINATES LIKE MY DOGDOES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU TELLING ME YOUR DOGURINATES WHILE TAKING A SELFIE?

>> NO, MY DOG HAS A REALLY SWEETASS.

( LAUGHTER )>> OH, ROB!

>> WELL, LOOK AT THISSWEAT-SOAKED BLOKE.

( LAUGHTER )IS THIS, LIKE, SWEAT ROHRSHACH

TEST?

ARE YOU GOING TO SEE WHATEVER?

JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

>> PENIS SHOWN IS ACTUAL SIZE,LADIES.

>> POINTS.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVEWHO I JUST BUMPED INTO GETTING

OUT OF THE SHOWER.

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL!

SEE.

>> POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )NEXT ONE.

LOOK AT THIS ACTIVE COUPLE.

LENNON.

>> I LOVE WORKING OUT WITH MYSISTER.

>> POINTS?

YEAH, POINTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WHO'S TAKING THE PICTURE?

>> EXACTLY.

>> THEIR MOM.

100 POINTS TO JESSICA ST. CLAIR.

"VINE BE LIKE."

IF ONLY THERE WAS A VIDEOUPLOADING APP THAT ALLOWED

PEOPLE TO MIMIC WHAT CERTAINPEOPLE BE LIKE IN SIX-SECOND

INCREMENTS.

WHAT'S THAT, YOU SAY?

THERE IS!

THE "BLOBBITY BLOBBITY BE LIKE"TREND ON VINE IS UBIQUITOUS, SO

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUTHE THUMBNAIL OF A VINE AND GIVE

YOU TWO OPPOSITIONS.

YOU GUESS WHICH BE LIKE ISRIGHT.

A GIRL SEEING HER BESTIE BELIKE, OR WHITE PEOPLE WITH

DREADS BE LIKE.

HEUBEL.

>> GIRL SEEING HER BESTIE BELIKE.

>> WHEN A GIRL SEE HER BESTIE,SHE BE LIKE

>> WHEN A GIRL SEE HER BESTIE,SHE BE LIKE

( SCREAMING )STONED DUDES AT WAFFLE HOUSE BE

LIKE, OR RATCHET GIRLS IN CLASSBE LIKE.

>> LENNON.

>> RATCHET GIRLS IN CLASS BELIKE.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, MY GOD.

WHAT HOMEWORK?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> OH, MAN.

>> ALL THOSE RATCHET GIRLS.

>> SHE TOOK US ON A REALEMOTIONAL JOURNEY IN THAT VINE,

DIDN'T SHE?

YEAH.

>> IT WAS WELL DONE.

>> YEAH.

>> NEXT ONE:UNICORNS BE LIKE OR CHICKS

TAKING SELFIES BE LIKE.

JESSICA.

>> CHICKS TAKING SELFIE BE LIKE.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> UNICORNS BE LIKE.

>> NO!

"RED FLAG," "RED FLAG."

THANKS TO ONLINE DATING,THOUSANDS OF SINGLES HAVE

THEIR BETTER HALF, AND WITH THESIMPLE

CLICK OF A BUTTON, COUNTLESSMORE HAVE FELT DISTURBED.

SOME VERY REAL OKCUPID NAMESINCLUDE BALLSDEEPNOCOND,

SISTERWIFE4U, CHLAMYDIA-LYDIA.

THERE SHE IS!

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> SHE'S IN BROOKLYN.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO RING INWITH SOME BRAND NEW "RED FLAG"

DATING USER NAMES.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND GO.

LENNON.

>> WIDOWED THREE TIMES.

>> POINTS.

POINT.

ROB HEUBEL.

>> PULL OUT AND PRAY.

>> EEW!

EEW!

>> PRAY YOU DON'T GET PREGNANTOR JUST HAVE OUR MOMENT

WITH THE LORD?

>> I THINK IT'S PULL OUT ANDLET'S HAVE SOME SPIRITUALITY.

>> GOOD, POINT.

LENNON.

>> TEA PARTAAAAY!

>> POINTS.

JESSICA.

>> SECRETLY YOUR MOM.

WOULDN'T THAT BE A HOW'D DO YOUDO?

>> WHAT WOULD BE A WHAT ASHOCKER.

POINTS.

LENNON.

>> KING JOFFREY.

>> POINTS.

ROB.

>> TOM FROM MYSPACE.

>> YEAH.

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