CC Presents: Gregg Rogell

  • Season 7, Ep 24
  • 07/31/2003

NEW YORK CITY'S THE ONLY CITY

IN THE WORLD YOU CAN GET ON A

SUBWAY CAR, WALK OFF WITH A

PACK OF BATTERIES AND A YO-YO.

HOW COOL IS THAT?

EVERY DAY'S CHRISTMAS ON THE

E-TRAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

HAVE YOU SEEN THE BATTERY SALE

IN THE SUBWAY?

IT'S AWESOME, 75 BATTERIES

FOR A BUCK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT COUNTRY'S SMUGGLING IN THIS

BIG BATTERY SURPLUS AND

UNLOADING IT ON THE E-TRAIN?

YOU THINK THERE'S SOME

SRI LANKAN SLAVE DRIVER

SOMEWHERE STUFFING PEOPLE

INTO THE CARGO HOLD OF A SHIP.

"GET IN THERE.

HERE, AND TAKE THESE AAA's

WITH YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU SUPPORT YOUR PRESIDENT,

GEORGE W?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GEORGE W. SAYS HE READS

THE BIBLE EVERY DAY.

HE'S 56 YEARS OLD.

FINISH THE BOOK.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I POLISHED OFF THREE TOM CLANCY

NOVELS SINCE HE'S BEEN ELECTED.

WRAP IT UP, BIBLE BOY.

I'D TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENS

TO JESUS, BUT I DON'T WANNA

RUIN IT FOR HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

SOME PEOPLE READ THE BIBLE

TOO MUCH.

TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING ISN'T

GOOD FOR YOU.

THAT'S WHY HAVE FANATICS

WHO MISINTERPRET THE BIBLE.

IT'S FROM READING IT 150,000

TIMES.

YOU READ "GREEN EGGS & HAM"

150,000 TIMES YOU'LL COME UP

WITH ALL SORTS OF TWISTED IDEAS.

"I WILL NOT EAT IT IN THE HOUSE.

I WILL NOT EAT IT WITH A MOUSE.

JEWS ARE THE DEVIL."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS A GREAT COUNTRY,

AMERICA.

YOU REALIZE IN THIS COUNTRY

IT ONLY COSTS 70 CENTS A DAY

TO SPONSOR A STARVING PERSON,

AND IT COSTS $2.99 A MINUTE

TO TALK DIRTY TO SOMEBODY.

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

ONE HOUR OF PHONE SEX

WILL FEED 259 STARVING PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF WE COULD SOMEHOW GET THESE

STARVING PEOPLE TO JUST TALK

DIRTY TO US--

[LAUGHTER]

THE ANSWERS ARE OUT THERE.

YOU JUST GOTTA LOOK FOR 'EM.

"I'M FAMISHED, CALL ME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHEN THEY WASH YOUR HAIR

IN THESE PLACES, CAN THEY

DO SOMETHING TO GAGE THE WATER

TEMPERATURE BEFORE THEY STICK

YOUR HEAD IN THE SINK?

"IS THE WATER TOO HOT FOR YOU?"

"NO, MY LEGS ALWAYS KICK OUT

LIKE THAT, THANKS."

[LAUGHTER]

"YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY HOT.

IS THAT FOLGERS?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'

TO ME?"

[LAUGHTER]

"WOULD YOU LIKE A MILD

CONDITIONER?"

"YOU SAY FIRE EXTINGUISHER?"

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE NOT INTIMIDATED BY

THE TERRORISTS HERE IN NEW YORK.

IT'S REALLY THE PEOPLE FROM

THE OTHER STATES THAT WORRY

TOO MUCH.

THEY'RE INTERVIEWING SOME GUY

FROM NORTH DAKOTA.

HE GOES, "IT CAN HAPPEN HERE."

NO, IT CAN'T.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

YOU HAVE TO BUILD A CIVILIZATION

FIRST.

[LAUGHTER]

OOH, CRASH A PLANE INTO A

STEAK & SHAKE.

THAT'LL CHANGE THE WORLD.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU BLOW NORTH DAKOTA BACK

INTO THE STONE AGES.

YOU'RE ONLY SETTING 'EM BACK

LIKE SIX MONTHS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A LITTLE PARANOID WITH

THE TERRORISTS, THOUGH.

I DEFINITELY THINK THERE SHOULD

BE A FEDERAL MARSHALL IN EVERY

AIRPLANE.

WHY NOT?

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE ONE

IN EVERY TAXICAB JUST TO BE ON

THE SAFE SIDE.

I'M WAITING ON THAT WRONG CAB

RIDE.

"TAKE ME TO 32nd & 1st."

"YOU WANNA GO TO ALLAH?"

"NO, NOT AT ALL."

Gregg Rogell: MY FAVORITE

TIME OF YEAR IS BETWEEN

THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS.

I LOVE THAT TIME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE

THE MACY'S DAY PARADE HERE

IN NEW YORK ON THANKSGIVING.

NEW YORK IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE

FROM OTHER COUNTRIES WHO HAVE

NO IDEA WHAT WE'RE CELEBRATING.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DOES SOME JAPANESE TOURIST

THINK WHEN HE SEES A BIG BARNEY

FLOATING DOWN 6th AVENUE.

IT'S GOTTA BE UNSETTLING

FOR THE POOR GUY.

"GODZILLA!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"GODZILLA?"

"GODZILLA."

[LAUGHTER]

CHRISTMAS, THAT'S MY FAVORITE

HOLIDAY.

IT'S IRONIC 'CAUSE I'M A JEW.

[LAUGHTER]

JEWS LIKE CHRISTMAS.

WE COME OUT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THAT'S ONE OF OUR FAVORITE DAYS.

WE GO OUT.

YOU CHRISTIANS DON'T KNOW

ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE INSIDE UNWRAPPING GIFTS.

WE OWN THIS CITY ON CHRISTMAS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE COME OUT LIKE THE MUNCHKINS

IN THE WIZARD OF OZ

WHEN THE WITCH KICKS.

WE'RE HIDING BEHIND TREES.

"ARE THE CHRISTIANS GONE?"

"THEY'RE GONE.

COME ON."

HE-HE-HE-HE-HE!"

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE A PARADE DOWN BROADWAY.

YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW

ABOUT IT.

YEAH, IT STARTS IN THE

DIAMOND DISTRICT, ENDS AT A

CHINESE RESTAURANT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JEWS DON'T BELIEVE IN SANTA,

YOU KNOW.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,

MY PARENTS TOLD ME STRAIGHT OUT

AIN'T NO SUCH THING AS

SANTA CLAUS.

YOU SEE A FAT MAN IN A RED SUIT

COME DOWN THAT CHIMNEY, YOU BLOW

HIS (BLEEP) DAMN HEAD OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

THE GUN'S NEXT TO THE COOKIES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

JEWS AND CHRISTIANS ARE

DIFFERENT.

CHRISTIANS SPREAD THE WORD.

SOME USE BUMPER STICKERS.

"JESUS IS KING."

"THE LORD SAVES."

JEWS DON'T DO THAT.

YOU NEVER SEE A REALLY NICE CAR

IN GREAT NECK WITH "HONK IF YOU

LOVE MOSES" ON THE BACK OF IT.

[LAUGHTER]

DOES THAT WORK CONVERTING

SOMEBODY WITH A BUMPER STICKER?

HOW WEAK OF A MIND DO YOU

HAVE TO HAVE?

[LAUGHTER]

"JESUS IS KING"?

OH.

[LAUGHTER]

GUESS I WON'T BE NEEDING THIS

ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS ON MY WAY TO TEMPLE.

THANK GOD THAT WINNEBAGO

CUT ME OFF."

[LAUGHTER]

EXCEPT THE AMISH.

THEY'RE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS.

THEIR HOLY LAND IS IN

PENNSYLVANIA FOR CHRIST SAKES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU SEE THE FLAW RIGHT THERE?

I'M PRETTY SURE JESUS DIDN'T

RESURRECT SEVEN MILES SOUTH

OF PHILLY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE SHOULD TAKE THEIR LAND.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEY'D NEVER SEE IT COMING,

YOU KNOW.

JUST START BUILDING SETTLEMENTS

IN LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA.

THEY'D HAVE TO FORM THE A.L.O.,

AMISH LIBERATION ORGANIZATION,

START ATTACKING US.

"TWO MEN WERE SHOT DEAD TODAY.

WORK OF THE MUSKET SNIPER."

[LAUGHTER]

PUT ANTHRAX IN OUR BUTTER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ISLAM, THAT'S A TOUGH RELIGION.

THEIR HOLY HOLIDAY IS RAMADAN.

THAT'S A MONTH LONG HOLIDAY

WHERE EVERY DAY YOU CAN'T EAT,

CAN'T DRINK, YOU CAN'T SMOKE,

YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX TILL SUNDOWN

FOR 28 DAYS.

IT'S DIFFERENT THAN CHRISTMAS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T SAY HAPPY RAMADAN,

'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT REALLY

HAPPY AT ALL, YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

"HAPPY RAMADAN."

"HUNGRY, HELP ME, PLEASE."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THEY CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT

THEIR WOMEN IN SOME OF THESE

COUNTRIES.

WOMEN GOTTA DRESS UP LIKE

HOCKEY GOALIES.

IT'S SICKENING.

THESE ARE SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED

PEOPLE.

YOU WANNA LIBERATE THESE PEOPLE.

WE SHOULDN'T BE DROPPING BOMBS

ON THEM.

WE SHOULD BE DROPPING HOOKERS

ON THESE PEOPLE.

CONFUSE THE CRAP OUT OF THEM.

"DOWN WITH AMERICA.

DOWN-- OOH, (BLEEP).

OH.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I LOVE AMERICA.

I'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY,

YES, I AM.

WHOO-HOO.

BASEBALL, ICE CREAM, LOLLY POPS.

YOU KNOW, THE JEWS REALLY AREN'T

SO BAD EITHER."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS WATCHING THE

OSAMA BIN LADEN VIDEO THAT GOT

ALL THAT CONTROVERSY.

HE WAS EATING THIS WHITE

MUSHY STUFF WITH HIS FINGERS

ON THE VIDEO.

HOW SCARED AM I SUPPOSED TO BE

OF THIS GUY?

HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A FORK.

IT TAKES AWAY ALL HIS POWER.

"WE HAVE THE MOST SOPHISTICATED

TERRORIST DEVICES.

ALLAH HAS BLESSED US GREATLY.

OOH, WHITE MUSHY STUFF."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M WAITING FOR SALLY STRUTHERS

TO POP OUT IN FRONT OF THE

CAMERA.

"THIS IS OSAMA.

[LAUGHTER]

OSAMA LIVES IN A SMALL, DAMP

CAVE WITH 50 OTHER TERRORISTS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"FOR ONLY 70 CENTS A DAY,

THE PRICE OF A SOMALIAN WHORE,

OSAMA WILL TALK DIRTY TO YOU

AND YOUR LOVED ONE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Gregg Rogell: YOU KNOW WHAT

THE SECRET TO LIFE IS?

IT'S JUST LEARNING HOW

TO APPRECIATE ALL THE LITTLE

THINGS.

MIDGETS.

[LAUGHTER]

NEXT TIME YOU'RE WALKING DOWN

THE STREET, YOU SEE A MIDGET,

PICK HIM UP.

GIVE HIM A LITTLE HUG.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'LL PUT UP A LITTLE FIGHT,

YOU KNOW.

LITTLE LEGS KICKING IN THE AIR

THERE.

"PUT ME DOWN.

I GOTTA GET TO WORK.

SOMEBODY GOTTA MAKE THOSE

DELICIOUS COOKIES."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DO.

THEY MAKE DELICIOUS COOKIES,

THE MIDGETS.

THEY HAVE LIMITED JOB OPTIONS,

YOU KNOW.

EITHER THEY WORK FOR KEEBLER OR

YOU SHOOT 'EM OUT OF A CANNON.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S OKAY YOU CAN LAUGH.

NO MIDGETS COME OUT TO THE

COMEDY CLUBS ANYWAY.

MAYBE THEY HAVE THEIR OWN CLUB.

WE JUST CAN'T SEE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M JUST KIDDING.

IT IS THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE

THAT ARE IMPORTANT: A GOOD MEAL,

FRESH FALLEN SNOW.

THE LOOK IN A YOUNG CHILD'S FACE

RIGHT BEFORE YOU HIT HIM.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S JUST A JOKE.

DON'T HIT YOUR KIDS.

THEY GOT GUNS NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

KIDS ARE TOUGH NOW.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER,

LITTLE JIMMY?"

"BILLY TOOK MY ICE CREAM CONE.

SO I HAD TO CREEP UP ON HIM

AND BUST A CAP IN HIS PUNK ASS."

"WHOA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU GOTTA QUARTER?"

"YEAH, NO PROBLEM, JIMMY."

"THOSE ARE NICE SHOES YOU'RE

WEARING."

[LAUGHTER]

KIDS GOT GUNS.

NUMBER TWO CAUSE OF DEATH AMONG

TEENAGERS IN AMERICA TODAY

ARE GUNS.

YOU KNOW THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE

OF DEATH?

NOT HAVING A GUN.

[LAUGHTER]

IN ENGLAND, THE POLICE DON'T

EVEN CARRY GUNS.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

HOW DO YOU CATCH CRIMINALS

WITHOUT GUNS?

[ENGLISH ACCENT] "ALL RIGHT,

WE'VE GOT THE PLACE SURROUNDED."

[LAUGHTER]

"RED ROVER.

RED ROVER!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SEND THE BAD GUY OVER.

HOLD TIGHT, IAN."

(BLEEP) IAN EVERY TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW DO THEY TAKE THE COPS

SERIOUSLY OVER THERE?

THEY DON'T CARRY GUNS,

AND THEY WEAR THE BIGGEST HATS

ON THE PLANET.

THE HATS ARE LIKE THIS TALL.

HOW DO THEY FIT IN THE

SQUAD CARS WITH HATS THAT BIG?

"QUICK, NIGEL, HE'S GETTING

AWAY.

[HEADS KNOCK] OH!

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, SCREW IT.

WE'LL HAVE A BEER.

IT'S EXPENSIVE HERE IN NEW YORK,

THOUGH.

I JUST GOTTA NEW CELL PHONE

PLAN.

I GET 200 ANY TIME MINUTES

AND 3000 WE'RE-GONNA-PLUCK-YOU

LIKE-A-PIGEON-AND-LAUGH-AT-YOU

MINUTES.

IT'S GREAT.

I CAN CALL ANYBODY ON MONDAY

BETWEEN 5:00 AND 7:00 AM.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK THAT EVERY TIME YOU USE

A ROAMING CHARGE, A LITTLE ICON

SHOULD POP UP OF A GUY GETTING

(BLEEP) IN THE (BLEEP).

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT WAY

YOU'D KNOW YOU'RE ROAMIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

CELL PHONES CAN GIVE YOU

BRAIN TUMORS, AND YET THE

ANTHRAX ONLY KILLED FIVE PEOPLE.

MAYBE THE TERRORISTS SHOULD HAVE

JUST CALLED US ON OUR

CELL PHONES.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE

EFFECTIVE.

RING, RING, RING.

"HELLO?"

"ICH BA ALLAH."

[LAUGHTER]

RING, RING, RING.

"HELLO?"

"I CALL BACK AGAIN."

"OH, JESUS, HE KEEPS--"

RING, RING, RING.

"HELLO."

"YOU HAVE A COLLECT CALL.

CALLER SAY YOUR NAME, PLEASE."

"ICH BA ALLAH."

"OH, (BLEEP).

OH, ROAMING CHARGES?

YOU EVIL BASTARD!

MY LITTLE GUY'S GETTING

(BLEEP) IN THE (BLEEP)."

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

QUIT SMOKING 'CAUSE I WANNA

LIVE.

AND NOW THAT I'M NOT SMOKING,

I DON'T WANNA LIVE ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T FEEL HEALTHIER BEING

A NON-SMOKER.

MY CLOTHES DON'T SMELL LIKE

CIGARETTE SMOKE, THAT'S A BIG

PLUS.

THEY SMELL A LOT LIKE SCOTCH

AND MARIJUANA.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M EXERCISING NOW.

YEAH.

I LOVE ALL SPORTS, TOO.

GOLF'S NOT REALLY A SPORT,

THOUGH.

GOLF'S THE ONLY SPORT THAT COMES

WITH A SLAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, TAKE THAT TO THE NEXT

HOLE."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY GOTTA STOP COMPARING

TIGER WOODS TO REAL ATHLETES,

TOO, 'CAUSE HE'S NOT AN ATHLETE.

HE'S COMPETING AGAINST

THE ELDERLY FOR GOD SAKES.

[LAUGHTER

NONE OF THOSE GUYS ARE ATHLETES.

HOW COME THE CROWD HAS TO BE

QUIET IN GOLF.

THE GUY HAS TO CONCENTRATE?

THE BALL'S JUST SITTING THERE.

BASEBALL, THEY HURL THE BALL

AT YOU AT 100 MILES AN HOUR.

THE BATTER CAN GET KILLED.

THE CROWD CAN SAY WHATEVER

THE HELL THEY WANT.

ONCE, I'D LIKE TO SEE THE BATTER

TURN AROUND.

"HEY, YOU PEOPLE MIND SHUTTIN'

THE (BLEEP) UP, PLEASE?

HE'S HURLING A BALL AT ME

AT 100 MILES AN HOUR."

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

"THIS ISN'T GOLF."

[LAUGHTER]

GOLF.

I DON'T THINK SHAQUILLE O'NEAL'S

A REAL ATHLETE EITHER, THOUGH,

YOU KNOW.

THE GUY'S NOT ATHLETIC.

HE'S JUST 8 FEET TALL,

750 POUNDS.

CAN'T EVEN FREE THROW SHOOT.

HE COULD DUNK, BUT HE COULDN'T

WIN A STUFFED ANIMAL AT A

CARNIVAL TO SAVE HIS LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY COULD WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP,

BUT HE'S A BIG LOSER

AT THE SAN GENARO FESTIVAL,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T DUNK, BUT AT LEAST

I HAVE AN EXCUSE.

I'M A JEW.

JEWS DON'T DUNK.

IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

YOU TAKE TEN JEWS AT RANDOM,

PUT 'EM ON A BASKETBALL COURT.

YOU HAVE A REAL ESTATE SEMINAR.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE NOT ATHLETIC PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHY IT TOOK US SO LONG

TO GET THROUGH THAT DESERT

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

40 YEARS, WE'RE NOT

SPEED DEMONS.

WE JUST KEPT STOPPING

AND BITCHING THE WHOLE TIME

PROBABLY.

[LAUGHTER]

"IT'S SO HOT, MOSES.

JESUS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Gregg Rogell: I'M TRYING TO GET

IN SHAPE NOW A LITTLE BIT.

BEEN JOGGING.

JOGGERS TELL YOU WHEN THEY RUN

THEY GET A RUNNER'S HIGH.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY MEAN

BY THAT.

BUT IF THEY MEAN PUKING

ALL OVER MYSELF AND COLLAPSING,

I WAS PRETTY WASTED.

[LAUGHTER]

BUDDY OF MINE RAN THE NEW YORK

CITY MARATHON LAST MONTH,

26 MILES THROUGH NEW YORK.

I DON'T HAVE THE STAMINA

TO WATCH IT ON TELEVISION

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

WHO WANTS TO WATCH IT?

IT'S PEOPLE JOGGING.

THEY SHOULD MAKE IT DIFFICULT.

TURN IT INTO THE NEW YORK CITY

TRIATHLON.

HAVE IT START IN THE SOUTH BRONX

AT AROUND MIDNIGHT.

THAT I'D WATCH.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YOU HAVE TO RUN FOR

YOUR LIFE TO THE HUDSON RIVER,

SWIM ACROSS TO NEWARK,

STEAL A CAR.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN FOR THE ENDURANCE

PART OF THE RACE, DRIVE THE CAR

BACK TO MANHATTAN AND GET IT

REGISTERED AT THE DEPARTMENT

OF MOTOR VEHICLES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SMOKED SOME MARIJUANA WITH A

FRIEND OF MINE NOT TOO LONG AGO,

WATCHED SURVIVOR.

I WAS WONDERING WHY

THEY WOULDN'T KICK OFF

THE SKINNY GUY WITH THE

RED SHORT WHO KEPT SCREWING UP.

AND THEN I REALIZED WE WERE

WATCHING GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T WATCH MICKEY MOUSE HIGH.

HE'LL SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

MICKEY'S KIND OF FREAKY,

NO SHIRT, TIGHT SHORTS.

I'M A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

AROUND MICKEY MOUSE.

I THINK HE'S JUST

MICHAEL JACKSON IN A COSTUME.

THEY GOT WAY TOO MUCH IN COMMON.

MICKEY AND MIKEY, IT'S GOTTA BE

THE SAME GUY.

THEY GOT THE SAME VOICE,

SAME PHYSIQUE.

SAME SHORTS.

BOTH LOVE KIDS.

BOTH WEAR A GLOVE.

BOTH HAVE AN AMUSEMENT PARK

IN THEIR BACKYARD.

BOTH BLACK WITH A WHITE FACE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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