Wednesday, July 20, 2016

  • 07/20/2016

Jon Heder, Will Sasso and Chris D'Elia make life-changing decisions for Jeb Bush, give #CrappyCompliments and bid on weird political merchandise on eBay.

First up is the GOP's ownTommen Baratheon--

Jeb!, exclamation point.As the brother and son

of presidents,Jeb! exclamation point

should have beena shoe-in for the nomination.

Problem is, he turned outto have the charisma

and self-confidenceof Gil from The Simpsons.

"Oh! Oh! Oh,Jeb's gonna give 'em heck

out there, I tell ya."

Like in this bizarre interviewwith The Huffington Post.

Said, if you couldgo back in time

and kill baby Hitler, would you?I need to know.

-MAN: And?-Hell, yeah, I would.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Uh...

It's weird.

We were just asking aboutsanctions in Iran,

but thank you.

-Wasn't...? -Imagine himkilling a baby, too.

-(laughter)-That's the boring part.

I'm doing thisfor the good of mankind!

-So easy.-HARDWICK: Why would you...?

I don't know.I'm just assuming.

-(laughter)-Yeah. Yeah.

Comedians, what's another thingJeb Bush would change

about his life if he couldgo back in time? Chris D'Elia.

I'd go back to September tenth

to take a picturein front of those buildings

-before my brother blew them up.-HARDWICK: Oh, no.

(groaning, applause)

(audience whooping)

HARDWICK:Oh, my God.

I'll be atthe Fort Lauderdale Improv,

-coming up. -HARDWICK:Fort Lauderdale Improv!

-Uh, Jon Heder.-Uh...

-(laughter)-I go...

How do you... follow that?

(laughter)

-That's the problem Jeb had.-Yeah, yeah.

(laughter)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS:Yo! Yo!

I'd go, uh, check outmy mom in high school

before having kidsruined her bod.

-HARDWICK: Oh, (bleep)!-(groaning, laughter)

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

We've all had to dealwith online haters

in some form or another,possibly every day,

but because subtlety and nuanceare totally not things

on the Internet,sometimes intended compliments

seem like sick burns.

@Hardwick...

(laughter)

So in honorof this backhanded phenomenon,

tonight's hashtagis #CrappyCompliments.

Examples might be:You kiss better than Daddy;

or: Nice Daewoo,Your (bleep) Highness.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-D'Elia. -You're very wellbehaved for your race.

-Points.-(groans, applause)

(laughter)

Uh, Asian! It was Asian!

Ah! Ah!I was just gonna say,

-it had to be.-It had to be.

-Will Sasso. -In my country,when you (bleep) yourself,

-it means you like the food.-All right, points.

-Chris. -Your wife's (bleep)feels great!

-Uh, points.-(whooping, applause)

-Jon Heder. -This isthe best sex I've ever had

at a Magic: The Gatheringconvention.

Points. Chris D'Elia.

(gasps)Are these your children?

I hope you don't mind me saying,but they're really sexy.

-(laughter, whooping)-Points.

(laughing):"I hope you don't mind."

"Oh, well, you prefaced itwith that, so..."

-Chris.-You're more beautiful

than the entire castof Making a Murderer.

-Points.-(laughter, groaning)

Put together.All of them put together.

(whooping, applause)

Jon.

Ooh. I've never smelledhair like yours

that smells likeauthentic diarrhea.

-Points. Authentic!-(groaning) -Authentic?

Not like that fake,store-bought diarrhea.

No, the kind you get on Amazon.

-Yeah.-That was a real one.

-The kind you getat the nature mart. -Yeah.

Hi. I'm... I'm Wilford Brimley

for Jon Heder'sAuthentic Diarrhea.

It's time to play, eBay Priceis Right RNC Edition.

(cheers and applause)

(contestants whooping)

Jon! Jon!

The biggest challenge for anypresidential candidate

is getting young peopleamped up to vote,

which is why their campaignssell hot swag

like Donald Trump hats,

Carly Fiorina tees,Marco Rubio ear flaps,

and Mike Huckabee thongs!

So we're going to show youa selection of the wei--

Just sit with it--

we're going to show youa selection

of the weirdest campaign(bleep), for 250 points,

whoever comes closestto the real price wins

the chance to pickthe next president.

First up, a fine gift for the

Rand Paul aficionadoin your life, right here:

an enormous Rand Paulbirthday card.

It's a three-foot-tall cardthat comes

with a three-foot-tallcard envelope.

The front says, "There's onething I have to say to you,"

as if Rand Paul has everjust said one thing.

Comedians, how much did theywant for this strange gift?

Jon Heder?

Uh, $11.20...

(audience shouting)

Oh, no.Oh, my God, listen to this.

-That's a lot of pressure.-Geez.

Go up? You haven't even heardmy original bid.

-(audience shouting)-Go up?

-Okay. A hundred dollars.-All right.

-A hundred dollars.-Pretty good guess.

A hundred dollars.

(applause)

Will Sasso, Will Sasso.

What do you think?

-(audience shouting)-I don't-I don't know.

I don't know.I don't know.

I don't... way up.

Way... Way up.

Uh, one dollar, Drew.

(applause)

One dollar.

All right.

One dollar.

Chris D'Elia?

(audience shouting)

Okay, without going over, uh...

without going over, right?

Uh, okay, okay, okay, uh...

all right, all right, okay.

Okay, okay, okay, $14.5 million.

$14.5 million.

(cheers and applause)

All right, the, uh...

the closest without goingover the answer was $35.

Will Sasso gets the point!

D'ELIA:That's really cheap for that.

-Well, that's what you do.-(cheering)

Just one dollar.

-Wow, wow, wow.-Just one dollar.

-They told me to.-A really low...

that's a really low price.

Next up, we have another pieceof unofficial merch,

a one of a kindTed Cruz face dildo.

Now, it's...

(audience yelling and laughing)

D'ELIA:Wow. Wow.

HARDWICK: This is a prototypefrom their Indiegogo campaign

and they say...

HARDWICK (reading):

It's all there.

How much did they ask for anearly release Ted Cruz dildo?

Will Sasso?

(audience shouting)

Uh... I...

Last time I went dildo shopping,

uh, I would have...

(hisses)Ooh, one like that.

You wouldn't happen to know

what-what grade of plasticthat's made out of?

-Never mind, um...-(Hardwick laughs)

Um... hmm, I'm gonna say,I'm gonna say a-around...

around $50.

$50.

All right.

(cheers and applause)

Chris D'Elia.

Okay, look, I know, look,

all right, look, look,look, look.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, chill.

I mean, that's the most rarething I've ever seen in my life.

HEDER:That could be anyone.

I honestly think the only wayyou could get that

is if you sell your soul,so your soul.

HARDWICK:Your soul.

-SASSO: Your eternal soul.-Soul!

HARDWICK:All right, your eternal soul.

Soul!

I just said, "Soul," dude.

Jon Heder, $50 and soul.

What do you think?

It's an Indiegogo project,

so it's probably, like, free.

HARDWICK:You think free?

For right now, right now.

-Okay, so you're saying free.-Yeah.

You're saying $50.

You're saying soul.

The correct answer is $40.Jon Heder, 'cause he was

-the only one who didn'tgo over. -Yeah! (whoops)

-I was so close! -So close.-I would think a soul would be

-worth more than $40.-Do I get it?

Yeah, you actually...

-Is that the prize?-Yes, you get the prize.

I will remove mineat the commercial break

-and give it to you.-Oh.