Warren Thomas & Todd Glass

  • Season 1, Ep 0143
  • 02/24/1992

( applause )

I AM SO FED UP WITH MY HAIRAND MAKEUP PEOPLE, I TELL YOU.

THEY HAVE PUSHED MERIGHT TO THE EDGE.

IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW,THEY WANT, THEY WANT, THEY WANT

THEY GIVE ME NOTHING.

NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

HAIR AND MAKEUP PEOPLEIN THIS TOWN ARE INSANE.

THEY RULE THIS TOWN.

THANK GOD, SOMEBODYCAN RELATE TO IT.

ARE YOU AN ACTRESS?

YOU THE REDHEAD.

OH, YOU WERE BOTH AGREEING.

SO YOU KNOW HOW THEY AREWITH YOU, RIGHT?

OF COURSE, THEY ARETHE SUPERSTARS AS WELL.

YOU KNOW, ALL HAIR

AND MAKEUP PEOPLEIN THIS TOWN...

YOU THINK OF EVIL PEOPLE

YOU THINKOF MURDERERS, RAPISTS...

NO, HAIR AND MAKEUP PEOPLEARE THE MOST EVIL OF ALL.

BECAUSE WHAT THEY DO TO YOU

HOW THEY TEASE YOUR HAIR

HOW THEY APPLY THE EYE SHADOWWHEN THEY JAB YOU IN THE EYE

IT'S LIKE, UNBEARABLE,I JUST DON'T...

BUT I'LL DO ANYTHINGFOR FASHION.

OBVIOUSLY.

I GUESS THIS IS REALLY

THE ULTIMATEFASHION VICTIM STATEMENT

NO, THIS IS A REALLYINCREDIBLE SHOW TONIGHT.

IT'S BIG.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ON MY WAYTO A FRATERNITY PARTY.

THANK YOU, THAT'S MY SHOW.

I THINK I GOTMY HAIR CUT TOO SHORT.

NOT JUST SAYING ITFOR THE ACT.

TOO SHORT.

LADY KEEPS CUTTING IT SHORTER,SHE GOES, "HOW DO YOU LOOK?"

I GO, "I LOOK LIKE FRED FLINTSTONE ANDOLIVER NORTH HAD A BABY.

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT'S VERY COMFORTING."

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

THE LAST TIMEI PERFORMED IN THE AREA

THEY SAID MY ACT WAS FUNNY

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A MESSAGE.

THE OTHER COMEDIANSWERE POLITICAL COMEDIANS.

YOU KNOW HOW SOME OF THEMVOICE THEIR OPINIONS?

I DON'T REALLY DO THAT

BUT SHE WAS SAYING EVERY JOKESHOULD HAVE A MESSAGE.

NOW EVERY JOKE HAS A MESSAGE.

YOU'LL BE LAUGHING

BUT OUT OF NOWHERE,YOU'LL BE LIKE--

"THAT'S WHAT HEWAS TRYING TO SAY.

OH, HE'S GOOD."

LET'S GET STARTED.

REMEMBER THE DOG'S NAMEFROM THE BRADY BUNCH?

Woman:TIGER.

NO, IT WAS ALICE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

DON'T DO CRACK,IT'S BAD FOR YOU.

ANYWAY...

JUST CELEBRATED MY, AH...

YOU'RE TOO KIND.

JUST CELEBRATEDMY NIECE'S BIRTHDAY.

SHE'S SIX AND ADORABLE

AND I BOUGHT HER A GALLOPINGHORSE FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

IT LOOKED LIKE IT GALLOPEDON THE BOX.

IT'S A PIECE OF JUNK,EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE.

THE THING VIBRATES,THAT'S ALL IT DOES.

( makes buzzing sound )

I WAS THINKING SOMETHING

BUT I DIDN'T SAY IT, YOU KNOW,IT'S MY BROTHER'S KID.

THEN HE SAID, "SHE'LL BEON THAT THING TILL SHE'S 30."

I COULD JUST SEE THE MOM--

"LET ME SHOW YOUHOW TO USE IT, HONEY."

"I KNOW HOW, I'M 28."

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE, IT'S NOTJUST YOUR RIGHT, IT'S YOUR DUTY.

I FIGURED OUT RELATIONSHIPSA LITTLE.

IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP THERE'S AOVERREACTOR AND AN UNDERREACTOR.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS THE WOMANTHAT'S THE OVERREACTOR

BUT I THINK THE WAYTO DEAL WITH IT

IS JUST BECOME THE OVERREACTORIN EVERY SITUATION.

MAKE THEM BE THE CALMER-DOWNER.

I'M EATINGWITH MY GIRLFRIEND;

SHE'S LIKE, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THE WAIT."

I GO, "I CANNOT BELIEVEYOU HAVE TO WAIT.

"WHEN THAT WAITER COMES OVER,HE IS GOING DOWN!

"I'M KICKING HIS FACE!HE IS GOING DOWN!

"DON'T HOLD ME BACK,YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT!

I'M GOING TO KICK HIMRIGHT IN HIS HEAD!"

SHE'S LIKE, "IT'S JUSTA SANDWICH, RELAX."

SO I GO, "ALL RIGHT,BUT I'D DO IT FOR YOU."

( applause )

LAST NIGHT I GOT TO SEEA LITTLE TV EVANGELISM

WHICH I GET A BIG KICK OUT OF.

I LIKE THIS GUY ROBERT TILTON,HE SAYS HE SPEAKS IN TONGUES.

YEAH, HE SAYSGOD SPEAKS THROUGH HIM.

I THINK HE'S LYING.

I'M NOT SURE, I DON'TWANT TO BE QUOTED ON THAT.

BUT HE SAYSHE SPEAKS IN TONGUES.

HE'S LIKE--

( babbling )

AND PEOPLE SEND HIM MONEY.

LOTS OF MONEY.

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING

TO THE PEOPLETHAT SEND HIM MONEY--

DUH!

THANK YOU.

I MEAN THAT FROM MY HEART.

RICHARD SIMMONS,THAT'S THE DEAL-A-MEAL THING.

WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE DEAL-A-MEAL?

YOU ORDER DEAL-A-MEAL,HE SHOW'S UP AT YOUR HOUSE

AND YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE.

HE SHOWS UP IN TIGHT SHORTSAND HIS ASS HANGING OUT.

"PUT THAT FOOD DOWN,YOU'RE NOT EVEN HUNGRY."

"WE'RE FULL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

NEUTER YOUR PETS.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW...

( laughter )

I LIKE PHIL AND OPRAH,THEY'RE GOOD

BUT SOMETIMES IT'S JUSTPEOPLE COMPLAINING AND WHINING

AND THOSE FAKE REACTION SHOTS,LIKE ON GERALDO.

ARE THEY PATHETIC?

I WANT TO PUKE.

YOU KNOW, SOMEONE IS LIKE--

"AND THEN SHE GOT RUNOVER BY A STEAMROLLER..."

THEN THEY PAN TO GERALDO,HE'S LIKE--

( laughter )

PHIL HAS BEEN ONFOR SO MANY YEARS

HE DOESN'T GET EFFECTED.

"OH, I HAD TO LIVEIN A REFRIGERATOR BOX..."

THEY PAN TO PHIL, HE'S LIKE--

( laughter )

I LIKETHE HOME SHOPPER'S NETWORK.

THEY CAN SELL ANYTHING,HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

IT'S PUKEABLE.

UH, THEY HAVE, LIKE, AN ASHTRAY

ARE THEY THE BEST SALESMEN?

AND THEY TALK AND TALK,THEY'RE LIKE--

"WHAT WE HAVEIS A GLASS ASHTRAY.

"IT'S GLASS ON THE INSIDEAND THE OUTSIDE.

"THIS HAS LACQUERTATE ON IT.

"THAT WON'T CHIPNO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

"WE FINDWITH THE GLASS ASHTRAY

"IT GOES WITHTHE FRENCH PROVINCIAL

"MODERN, OR ANY STYLE.

"WE GOT A CALL FROM A LADY

"WHO HAD FRENCH PROVINCIALSWITCHED TO COLONIAL

"AND SAID IT FIT RIGHT IN.

"WE'RE GLAD WE GOT THAT CALL.

"NOTICE HERE YOU HAVESOME INDENTATIONS.

"MAYBE THE PHONE IS RINGING,MAYBE YOU'RE COOKING

"MAYBE THE KIDS NEED TENDED TO.

"YOU JUST PUTYOUR CIGARETTE IN THERE

"AND MY, YOUR HANDSARE TROUBLE FREE.

"I SAID YOU GET THREE,BUT LOOK, ON THE Q.V.C. ASHTRAY

"YOU GET A FREE ONERIGHT OVER HERE.

( laughter )

( applause )

STOP, STOP.

( applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO RELAX?

I'VE BEEN DOINGPOLICE RIDE-ALONGS.

HAS ANYONE EVER DONE ONE?

YOU LEARN THEIR JOB ISA LOT HARDER THAN YOU THINK.

I DID ONE IN IRVINE AND...

WELL, IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

BUT, UH, WE GOT A CALL--

THIS IS TRUE,I'M NOT JUST SAYING IT--

HOW DO I TELL THIS CLEAN?

THERE WAS A GUY ON HIS PATIO,UH, TOUCHING HIMSELF.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HAVING A LITTLE PARTYALL BY HIMSELF

NO INVITATIONS WENT OUT.

WE HAVE TO RESPOND.

THE WOMAN WAS FREAKING OUT.

SHE WAS LIKE,"HE WAS RIGHT OVER THERE

"HE HAD HIS PANTSAT HIS ANKLES."

SHE GOES, "I WORK A 13-HOUR DAY.

I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT,THAT'S DISGUSTING."

NOW, I DON'T CONDONE WHAT HE DIDBUT IF THERE WAS A GUY

AND HE SAW A GIRL WITH, LIKE,HER DRESS AT HER ANKLES

WE'D BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, WOO!"

NOT ONE GUY, NOT ONE, NOT ONEWOULD SAY--

"I DON'T NEED TO SEE THATAFTER A HARD DAY AT WORK."

( laughter )

I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING HERE.

HAVE YOU NOTICED BARBASOLSHAVING CREAM NEVER RUNS OUT?

YOU BUY ONE CAN OF THAT STUFF

AND HAND IT DOWNGENERATION TO GENERATION.

WHY CAN'T DEODORANTLAST THAT LONG?

YOUR DEODORANT RUNS OUT

AND THE RIM ACTUALLYGETS HIGHER THAN THE DEODORANT

BUT YOU STILL SCRAPE IT ON.

BLOOD IS DRIPPING FROM YOUR ARM.

A PIECE FALLS ON THE GROUND.

YOU BEND OVER AND GET ITAND START USING IT.

"OH, YEAH,THIS IS WORKING, OH, YEAH."

THEN YOUR SHAMPOO RUNS OUT,YOU FILL IT WITH WATER.

"OKAY, I'LL GETMORE OUT OF THERE."

WORST IS WITH TOOTHPASTE--

"DON'T TELL METHERE'S NO MORE..."

THEN YOU TAKE WHAT'S IN THE RIMAND YOU START BENDING IT HALF.

A LITTLE BIT BENDS OUT, "YEAH!"

THANK YOU.

THIS ISA LITTLE IMPRESSION HERE.

CHILLING.

MMM, HMM, HMM.

OKAY.

THIS IS AN IMPRESSIONOF MY DAD SMOKING.

HE SMOKES LIKEHIS WHOLE FACE HURTS HIM.

YOU EVER NOTICETHEY ALL SMOKE LIKE THAT?

LIKE THEY'REIN A MAJOR AMOUNT OF PAIN.

HERE'S THE WAY ALL DADS SMOKE.

( laughter )

HE'D COME WATCH MEPLAY LITTLE LEAGUE.

HE'D BE IN THE STANDS.

"KEEP YOUR EYEON THE BALL, TODD.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL."

( laughter )

"DAD, I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING

"SMOKE COME OUTEVERY HOLE OF YOUR HEAD.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE LOSING,GO HOME."

HE ALWAYS HAD SMOKELEFT TO COME OUT HIS NOSE

WHEN HE WAS DONE YELLING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DID IT.

HE'D BE LIKE--

"I HAVE HAD ITWITH THE ROUGHHOUSING."

( laughter )

AN EXCLAMATION POINTWOULD FLY OUT HIS NOSE.

NOW, WHEN YOU CHECK INTO A HOTEL

THEY ASK YOUIF YOU WANT A NONSMOKING ROOM.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T SMOKE

DOESN'T IT AUTOMATICALLYBECOME A NONSMOKING ROOM?

WHAT IF YOU DON'T SMOKE?

DO PEOPLE COME IN,"HOW, YOU DOING, JERK?

GET THIS OUT OF THE DRAPES."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

( applause )

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