That Brother's My Father

  • Season 3, Ep 4
  • 10/07/2014

Denzel becomes Woody's stepfather after marrying his mother, and Connie abducts Pat Sajak.

- AM I GONNA DIE, CAPTAIN?

- IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT, PRIVATE.DO YOU HEAR ME?

YOU NEED TO LOOK THATANGEL OF DEATH RIGHT IN THE EYE

AND SHOUT,"WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT?"

- MACHO MAN T-SHIRT.

- A MACHO MAN T-SHIRT?

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE STOP!

GOD DAMN IT, I TOLD ALL OF YOUWE NEED TO MAKE THIS AUTHENTIC,

AND LOOK AT YOU.

- UH, YEAH, YOU GUYS.

DON'T YOU KNOWWHAT REBELS LOOK LIKE?

THE ONLY ONE TAKINGTHIS REENACTMENT SERIOUSLY

IS DR. KUZNIAK.

- REENACTMENT?WHAT REENACTMENT?

- QUICK QUESTION,CAN I BUY HIM?

- THIS SOME BULLSHIT.

- I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUTYOUR COTTON-PICKING PROBLEMS.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE?[laughs]

- I'MA GET YOUFOR THIS, ASSHOLE.

- QUIT COMPLAINING.

YOU'RE NOTTHE ONLY SLAVE HERE.

- EW.

DENZEL,THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

IN CIVIL WAR REENACTMENTIS HISTORICAL ACCURACY.

[phone ringing]

HOLD ON.IT'S A, UH...

A CALL FROM THE FUTURE.

WHAT?

- LISTEN,SOME OLD WOMAN CALLED

CLAIMING TO BEYOUR MOTHER.

I SAID,"THAT'S A CRUEL JOKE.

HIS MOM IS DEAD."

THEN SHE GOT REALLY UPSET.

SHE SAIDSHE'S ON HER WAY OVER.

- MOMMY?

NO!

- CAPTAIN'S LEADINGTHE CHARGE.

LET'S GET THEM SUMBITCHES!

[gunshots]

- HEY, NO FAIR.I SHOT YOU.

- LICK MY MUSKET BALLS,YANKEE.

- FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN--AAH!

[gunfire][grunting]

- YEE-HAW!- WHOO-HOO!

- WE JUST WON THE CIVIL WAR.

- I TOLD YOUTHE SOUTH WOULD RISE AGAIN.

- IT'S GOING TO BE JUST LIKETHE GOOD OLD DAYS.

AWKWARD.