Slow Your Roll

  • 05/13/2014

Amy consults a celebrity nutritionist, feels uncomfortable about her new boyfriend's collection of inkblot tests and sells glasses to serial killers.

Amy?

Hi, I'm Cheryl Oberwood,nutritionist to the stars.

Thank you so much formeeting with me.

Phylicia Rashad has saidthe nicest stuff about you.

She looks incredible,right?

She's 90.

Wow.

Okay, I'm justgonna dive right in.

I can tell by looking you'renot the least you can be.

Yeah, no, I'm not.

Well, we'regonna change that.

So what are your fitnessgoals?

Well, my goal weight.I don't work in weight.

I workin celebrities.

Which celebrity would youlike to be the same as?

I wouldsay Christian Bale.

"Machinist", "Metroland"?

"Newsies"?I think "The Fighter."

Okay, now, walk me throughwhat you eat

in a typical day.All right.

In the morning, usuallyI'll have, like,

some yogurtwith some granola

and then at lunch,some salad.

Okay-- Let meask you a question.

Yeah.

Have you alwaysbeen a (bleep) trash heap?

Excuse me?I'm gonna find youthe perfect diet

You're gonnastick to that diet

and you're gonna becomethe perfect woman.

Okay, option one:The Instagram Diet.

That's where you orderwhatever you want,

take a pictureof it, post it,

throw it in the garbage.

Tweet it, don'teat it.

I don'twant to do that one.

Option two,the Beyoncé Diet.

You find out whatBeyoncé eats

and you tellme all about it.

I don't know her.

Option three:The Chilean Miners Diet.

Wow-- They're sosvelte.

Have you thoughtabout doing a cleanse?

What kind?

The kind where youeat anything and everything

as long as you don'tswallow?

That's just anorexia.

Do you want a third seasonof your show?

I do.Okay.

The Tapeworm Experience.

Colonic Blastoff.Um...

Cambodian Holiday.

Get Motivated.Oh, what.What's that one?

That's where you are arrestedwithout due process.

I don't think so.

Everest Drop,The Great Depression.

Kentucky Meth Cycle.

Harriet Tubmanand the Underground Railroad.

No?

Tammy from "The Real World,"Season Two, Wired Jaw.

Who areyour clients again?

Well, have you ever seenthe movie, um,

every(bleep) movie?

I work with everyone.(knocking)

Come in.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Angel face!

Amy, this is McClarty--She's the new Bond girl.

Wow--What diet did she do?

I just smoke.

But they should just do a"Real World: Massachusetts."

Sure.

(groaning)

I'm gonna headto class.

Oh...

I can't believeyou're still in school.

It makes me feel likesuch a cougar.

I'm not still in school.

I'm studying formy PhD.

I'm, uh-- I'mactually older than you.

For now.

Okay.

Um...

Can you grabmy psych textbook?

It's right there onthe table.

Oh, yeah, sure--This one?

Oh&

Okay.Sorry.

Excuse me?

What's wrong?

Um, why do you have allthese pictures

of mymother's vagina?

The ink blots?

The ink pictures.

Of my mother'svagina!

Um, yeah,I don't think those are-

Here's my mom's vagina beforeshe was pregnant with me.

This is my mom'svagina

when she didn't want toteach me how to ride a bike.

Jesus, the detail.

Where do you see a bikein that?

I mean, these are-These are for my class.

Yeah, your class-- Well, whatclass is that, Drew?

The Draw PicturesOf Your Girlfriend's

Mother's Vagina class?

Seems likeyou're acing it!

Um, first of all,I think "girlfriend"

is a strong term for usat this point.

Here's my mother's vaginawhen she was my age.

Here's my mom's vagina whenI came home drunk from college

and I got in a fightwith her

and I accused herof stealing my style,

Okay, okay, okay, okay.I feel so guiltyabout that.

Sit down,sit down, sit down.

Why did I do that?

Amy, did you actually seeyour mother's vagina

in these scenarios?

You're not a doctoryet, okay?

Slow yourroll, ass (bleep).

Okay.God, you're so sick.

I've onlyknown you three weeks.

Well, that'swhat I was saying

about the "girlfriend"thing.

I mean,and how can you possibly

identify your mother'svagina?

You meanhow did I identify

the origin of my whole(bleep) life?

You're a freak,Drew-- You're a sick freak!

I- I didn't drawthose.

Well, thenwho did, my mom?

Did she keep a vagina diarywith a fountain pen?

Uh, maybe, did she?

Did you?No!

It doesn't makeany sense!

These are ink blots!

That you see whatever youwant in them.

Well then,what do you see?

So that's, like,a cloud.

And whatabout this one?

It's like a-a bear.Yeah...

And this one?

Well, that one does looklike a vagina.

Oh, yeah,I drew this earlier.

Jesus, Amy, every daywith you.

You didn't say not to drawon your stuff.

♪♪

I can do this.

It's too hard.

In order for you tomove forward with your life,

you need to confrontthis issue.

Okay.

(breathes out)

(sighs)

Hi, Mom.Hi, darling.

Hi, welcome.Hi, how do you do?

Please sit down.

It'll be very importantthat you're here

for Amy's progress.

Amy?

Mom...

What's the issue you've beenhaving with your computer?

Oh, I just wanted to e-mailthat cute picture

of you and yoursister to your uncle...

It's this way....Pat,

but the photos justdisappeared.

I just think thatmachines don't work around me.

They don't.

Okay, well, let's just turnon your computer.

Isn't it on already?

No, wait, no-- I pushed thelittle button thingy.

Mom, you know how to turnon your computer.

Don't talk tome in that tone, honey.

I didn't grow up withthese things.

Amy, what are you hearing yourmother say to you?

I hear her saying that shedoesn't know

how to turn on her computer whenI know for a fact...

Yeah, easy.... that she does knowhow to turn.

Easy, easy--Let's just take it easy.

I knew yesterday,but I don't know today.

Can you see how that doesn'tmake sense?

You forget.

All right...

How canyou accept her request

in a spirit of generosityand maturity?

Okay.

Mom?

You press the "on" button.

(startup sound)

There you go, it's on.

All right, now where'syour photo folder?

If I knew that, I wouldn'tbe asking for help.

I don't have all day tostare at computer screens.

I think I'm done.

I don't think I can dothis, actually.

Obviously,that triggered you,

but it's because youallowed it.

And youwill not allow it.

Well, here.

Here it is.

Why do you have all thesephotos of the TV?

Oh-- I wanted toshow you the hangers

that I just orderedfrom HSN.

These are cedarand they smell like wood.

Just. Let's take a lookat 'em.

No, no, no,I'm good, I'm good.

You saidyou needed hangers.

I saidthat five years ago

and you've bought me severalsets of them.

Now here's the pictureof me and Kim you wanted.

Will youjust drag it to your desktop?

It's like a shadow of...It's okay?

Yeah, just--(alert tone)

Ugh.Just hold itdown and drag it.

Hold the left down?

Yeah, and then just.

Just anywhere in the desktop.(alert tone)

Desktop meaningthe whole screen?

Anywhere on the screen.

(alert tone)Hold the left,roll the right.

(alert tone)It's holding, it'sholding.

(alert tone)

Desktop.

There you go--Okay, now open your browser.

You mean my AOL?

Let's just attachthe photo.

To the computer.

No, to the e-mail.

Well, I didn't bringa cord.

Mom, there's no possiblelogical reason

that you wouldneed a cord for this.

Just letme do it, all right?

(sighing)Okay, here.

I did it, it's done, you cansend it now.

I click "send"?

Yes.

(mouthing words)

(whoosh)Wow, okay,I figured it out.

Huh!

Mrs. Schumer, thankyou so much for coming in.

Thank you.

I believe you both had abreakthrough today.

Breakthrough.Be very proud of yourself.

These are cute.

They golike that, right?

No, they go howthey are-- They are already.

Swashbuckling.(buzzer)

Sorry.

My nextpatient's buzzing in.

it's the new systemwe have.

(buzzing)Gosh darn this thing,

I just don't know howthis works.

I just press thisand what's happening?Well, what.

And I press where it sayspress, P-R-E-S-S,

nothing's happening.Yeah, well,what's that thing?

Try that one.(buzzing)

See that.See what I mean?No.

Did you just see it goon and off?

I know!And now it's beeping at us.

See, this issupposed to say "enter."I know.

What have wedone to deserve this?I don't care.

I don't understand.(laughing)

Amy, could you please comehelp, uh, with this?

Jimmy, you are a comedianand my good friend

and a real life pervert.

Yeah.

What's the dirtiest thinga girl's ever said to you?

I've gotten goldenshowers

and had girlscall me a toilet.

That's pretty dirty.Okay.

When a girlcalls you a toilet.

Yes, that is.And you.

you swallowand agree wholeheartedly.

I feel like I should'veprepared myself more.

Yeah.'Cause I just thought youwere gonna

say somethingdirty she said and now...

Why golden showers?

Yeah, I don't know why-- It'snice and warm and uh...

You can also justtake a bath.Listen...

They haveheated blankets nowadays.

They're so sweet.

You know, sometimes whensomeone says,

"Why do youlike golden showers?"

You realize it's verydifficult to come up

with asatisfactory answer.

That's a reallytough question.

I probably should havean answer ready for that,

but I don't.

I noticed the other day

when you were looking fora picture to show me,

when you were going throughyour cell phone pictures,

you hadit covered, like,

as though you had the codesto, like,

disarm nuclearweapons in there.

I have to look throughmy phone

the way the referees dowhen they're doing a replay

in the NFL withthe thing over,

'cause it's just so.

There's so many things thatcould embarrass me.

What's, um,the most (bleep)-up, uh,

girl you've ever hadsex with or guy?

Um, I don'thave sex with guys.

Transsexuals are ladies.

Sorry, ladies.Absolutely, ladies.

Ma'am, sorry.Yes, there's this whole.

Oh, they have. You know,they have a (bleep).

I'm like, what are you.What are you, judgmental?

Right, what is this?

What century is this thata (bleep) makes someone a dude?

That's exactly whatI'm saying.Please.

It's like, if she's got a wigon and a bright smile,

look atthis lovely gal.

Is that eyeshadowand testicles?Absolutely.

You're a girl.Absolutely.

I'm an American and if I goto Europe and come back,

it doesn'tmake me a European.

No.I'm still an American.

Yes, you are.You're the best American.

Just enjoy Europe.

How many women do you thinkyou've paid for sex?

Take all the women I'vehad sex with...Okay.

... subtract four.(laughing)

And the remaining numberis how many I paid.

A lot.Yes.

Yeah-- A lot, a lotof women.

What's the most you'veever paid?

$1,000.

What's the least?

$7 and two cigarettes.

What age whereyou when you realized

you liked, uh, differentsexual things

than maybethe average bear?

(laughing)

That's where you live.Yeah, right.

My one friend who used to makeme have oral sex with him,

I say make me, 'causeit sounds better on camera,

Sure, yeah.but there's no victims,only volunteers.

I showed up for it.

There's no pain inyour eyes.

We werein the public pool.

He was having me givehim oral sex

and hewhizzed in my mouthUh-huh.

and I was, like,really mad at that

and I came up and I went"Don't do that again."

He went, "All right."

So I went right back downand he did it again.

He did it again, you werelike, wait a minute.Yes, yeah.

Maybe always do this.What's the old expression?

Uh, uh.

"Fool me once.""Shame on you,and then you know,

"fool me twice..."Fool me twice..."

shame on me."...you're whizzing in my face.

As a child.Yeah, I didn't quite havethose words at that age.

Yeah, it really is, likethe same story of

"Searching for Bobby Fischer,"

just, like, early on yourealized what you were good at.

Exactly, you know, but insteadof playing with a rook,

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