CC Presents: Rachel Feinstein

  • Season 14, Ep 11
  • 01/11/2010

'CAUSE I DON'T LEARN, AND, UH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, YOU KNOW, THE NICE THINGABOUT SEEING A PUERTO RICAN GUY

IS, LIKE,THEY DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT

WHEN YOU GET INSECURE.

WHITE WOMEN -- WE'RE CONSTANTLYOBSESSED ABOUT OUR BODIES.

WE ALWAYS THINK WE'RE FAT.WHITE GUYS UNDERSTAND THIS.

YOU'RE GONNA CALL YOURSELF FATSEVERAL TIMES A WEEK.

THEY HAVE SOME SORT OFREASSURING STOCK LINE

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TOARGUE THAT WITH.

IT'S JUST THISCYCLICAL CONVERSATION

THAT WHITE COUPLES HAVEFOR THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT, YOU KNOW,PUERTO RICAN, LIKE, MEN --

THEY DON'T KNOWWHAT TO DO WITH THAT

'CAUSE THEY'VE NEVERDEALT WITH THAT BEFORE

'CAUSE PUERTO RICAN WOMENARE THE MOST CONFIDENTWOMEN IN THE WORLD.

LIKE, HIS MOM WEIGHS LIKE --LIKE 300 POUNDS, YOU KNOW?

AND SHE JUST KIND OF TITS AROUNDIN THIS HOT-PINK T-SHIRT

THAT SAYS, "I LOOK GOOD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, WHITE WOMEN -- WECAN'T EVEN GIVE EACHOTHER COMPLIMENTS.

YOU'D BE LIKE,"OH, YOU LOOK NICE."

"NO, I'M GROSS. I'M FAT.I'M DISGUSTING. I'M GROSS."

YOU GIVE A PUERTO RICAN WOMANA COMPLIMENT,

THEY'LL ACT LIKE YOU'RE GETTINGA QUESTION CORRECT ON EXAM,

YOU KNOW?

I'D TELL HER SHE LOOKED NICE.SHE'D BE LIKE...

[ Puerto Rican accent ]"YEAH, MOMMY, THAT'S RIGHT.

I LOOK REAL GOOD.I KNOW I LOOK GOOD, YEAH."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YEAH, MOMMY.

"MY ASS IS NEIGHBORHOOD --

"I'M NEIGHBORHOOD-APPROVED,MOMMY, YEAH.

I LOOK NICE, YEAH."

A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT.

DOES ANYBODY LIKE TO DRINK HEREAT ALL?

ANYBODY DRINKING?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I -- I DO DRINK A LOT.

I'VE BEEN GOING OUTWITH MY FRIENDS DRINKING

TO MEET GUYS AND STUFF.

I'VE NOTICED NOW THAT THERE'STHIS NEW BREED OF MEN.

THEY'RE NOT REALLY STRAIGHTOR GAY.

THEY'RE JUST KIND OFSPRINKLED WITH GAY...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...WHICH, UH --WHICH I FIND VERY CONFUSING.

NOW THE STRAIGHT GUYSDON'T EVEN WEAR SHIRTS ANYMORE.

THEY WEAR, LIKE,IRONIC '70s BLOUSES.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

IT NEEDS TO END.

THEY HAVE THESE NEW HAIRCUTS,

THESE NEW"IT'S FUN TO BE A BOY" HAIRCUTS.

THEY LIKE TO KIND OF MESS IT UPAND SPRITZ IT THAT WAY.

I JUST --I LIKE MY STRAIGHT MEN STRAIGHT

AND MY GAY MEN GAY, YOU KNOW?

I -- THANK YOU.[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I FEEL THAT'S FAIR.

I -- I DON'T WANT A STRAIGHT GUYWITH SOME [BLEEP] ON TOP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I, UH...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY MOM'S VERY SASSY.MY MOM'S JUST VERY SASSY.

SHE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE CRAZY,KIND OF OVERLY SPIKED MOM DOS,

LIKE HER HAIR JUST KEEPS GETTINGMORE AND MORE AGGRESSIVE

EVERY TIME I SEE HER.

SHE LOOKS INSANE.

SHE LOOKS A LOT LIKE VANILLA ICEAT THIS POINT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HER HAIR LOOKS LIKEIT WAS CUT BY A COMPUTER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND SHE LOVES TURQUOISE.

[ Midwestern accent ] SHE JUSTLOVES AMERICAN INDIAN PIECES.

SHE LOVE ANYTHING TURQUOISE.SHE COLLECTS THEM.

SHE LOVES ANYTHING --

ANYTHING AMERICAN INDIAN AT ALL,SHE LOVES IT.

[ Normal voice ] AND SHE WEARSA RIDICULOUS AMOUNT

OF THESE OBNOXIOUS,LIKE PLAQUE-SIZED THINGS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN SHE ACTS VERY SURPRISED

IF ANYONE COMPLIMENTSONE OF THEM.

SHE DOES A REAL MODEST PLAY.

[ Midwestern accent ]SHE GOES, "OH, THANK YOU.

"OH, I FORGOTTHAT I HAD THIS ON TODAY.

"THAT'S SO --ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

"I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT.HOW SWEET OF YOU TO NOTICE.

HMM. WHAT FUN."

[ Normal voice ] MEANWHILE,IT'S LIKE A NAVAJO GRAVEYARD

COVERING HER ENTIRE LEFT BREAST.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE REALLY WANTS TO BEBLACK OR ETHNIC SOMEHOW.

IT'S -- IT'S VERY EMBARRASSING.[ CHUCKLES ]

HER FAVORITE THINGTO TELL PEOPLE

IS THAT SHESHOULD HAVE BEEN BLACK.

SHE LOVES TO SAY THISAT PARTIES AND STUFF.

IT'S JUST REALLY STRANGE.YES.

IT'S REALLY --IT'S REALLY PROBLEMATIC.

SHE --SHE'S ALWAYS GOING...

[ Midwestern accent ] "YOU KNOW,PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME.

"THEY GO, 'KAREN,YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLACK.

YOU DANCE LIKE YOU'RE BLACK.YOU DO. IT'S TRUE.'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S TRUE.

"I'M A VERY --I'M A VERY SOULFUL DANCER,

"SO PEOPLE REALLY RESPONDTO MY DANCING.

IT'S TRUE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]MEANWHILE,

HER DANCING IS ACTUALLYSO AWFUL, IT'S CONFUSING.

LIKE, I --

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON WHEN SHE'S DANCING.

I KNOW I DON'T FEEL SAFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HER DANCING IS PERHAPS THEMOST AGGRESSIVELY WHITE THING

I'VE EVER SEEN.

SHE SORT OF DANCESLIKE SHE'S STIRRING HERSELF.

IT'S JUST THIS VERY...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND SHE LOVED THAT I WAS DATINGA PUERTO RICAN GUY

'CAUSE SHE FELT LIKEIT JUST BROUGHT HER ALITTLE CLOSER TO BLACK.

[ Midwestern accent ]JUST A LITTLE CLOSER.

JUST INCHING HER WAYOVER TO BLACK.

[ Normal voice ]YOU KNOW?

SO, SHE INVITES HIM PREMATURELYOVER TO OUR HOUSE

FOR A DINNER PARTY,

AND IT'S USAND THIS GAY UNITARIAN COUPLE

SHE'S BEFRIENDED AGAINSTTHEIR OWN WILL, YOU KNOW?

SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR.

SHE'S WEARINGSOME KIND OF A DASHIKI.

SHE LOOKS INSANE.

I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOWWHAT SHE'S ROCKING,

BUT I'M GOING INTO DENIALWITH THAT NONSENSE."

AND THEN SHE STARTS BLASTINGGLORIA ESTEFAN,

WHICH IS CUBAN MUSIC.

IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE,BUT SHE'S JUST...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND THEN, SO,SHE'S BLASTING GLORIA ESTEFAN.

MY MOM WANTS TO BE LIKE ONE OFTHOSE WHITE WOMEN IN THE MOVIES

THAT SAVES A BLACK SCHOOL,

THAT PUTS ON A LEATHER JACKETAND JUST SAVES A BLACK SCHOOL.

THAT'S HER DREAM, YOU KNOW?

LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFERIN "DANGEROUS MINDS," JUST...

[ Midwestern accent ]JUST MARCHES IN THERE

WITH HER SASS-ITUDEAND JUST FIXES EVERYTHING,

JUST TALKS STRAIGHT!

HAVE SOME FUN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Normal voice ]SHE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO SET ME UP

WITH SOME KIDI USED TO TAKE BATHS WITH

WHEN I WAS LIKE 3, TOO.

SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE...

[ Midwestern accent ]"YOU AND DARREN BIEDERMEIERSHOULD GET TOGETHER.

"SURE, HE HASN'T COME OUTOF HIS ROOM IN A WHILE,

"AND WHEN HE DID, HE WAS WEARINGA LONG BLACK CAPE,

"BUT I JUST THOUGHTHE DEALT WITH

"THAT SCHIZOPHRENIC DIAGNOSISSO WELL.

"IT WAS SO MANLY, THE WAYHE HANDLED THAT, WASN'T IT?

"AND, YOU KNOW,HE LOVES RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS,

"WHICH IS A LOT LIKE STAND-UP,

SO I THINK YOU GUYSWOULD REALLY HIT IT OFF."

[ LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

[ Normal voice ] HER ANDALL HER FRIENDS ARE INSANE.

I -- I FINALLY REALIZEDI'M WORTH IT, AND...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND, UH...

THANK YOU.

I -- WE JUST STARTEDSLEEPING TOGETHER.

FOR ME, SEX IS NEVER GOODIN THE BEGINNING.

IT ALWAYS TAKES ME A LONG TIME

TO GET COMFORTABLEWITH A NEW PERSON.

IT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL LIKE SEXAT FIRST.

IT JUST FEELS LIKESTRANGE POKING, AND...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I CAN'T TALK DIRTY, EITHER.

I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE ARE

ENOUGH HUMILIATING THINGSGOING ON, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T -- I DON'T SEE WHY

I SHOULD BE ASKED TO ADD THATTO THE COCKTAIL.

I TRY.

I-I DO WANT TO BE GOOD AT IT,

AND I'VE BEEN COACHEDBY MY WHORIER FRIENDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I'M NOT TALENTED.

I-I DO TRY, BUT I'M AWFUL.

I JUST SEE THE GUY IN THE ROOM

JUST, LIKE,REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN ME.

I GET VERY NERVOUS.

I'LL SEE MY MOM IN THE ROOMMAKING FUN OF ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Midwestern accent ]LIKE, "REALLY, RACHEL?

"'SCREW ME HARDER'?

IS THAT WHAT THE GIRLSSAY AT SCHOOL, HUH?"

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

"'RAM ME'? 'RAM ME'?'I'M A DIRTY LITTLE BITCH'?

"IS THAT WHAT CHRISTINE SAYS?

"IS THAT WHAT CHRISTINE SAYS?

"NOW YOU HAVE TO START SAYING ITJUST 'CAUSE CHRISTINE SAYS IT?

"IT'S THAT IMPORTANTTO BE POPULAR?

"YOU'RE JUST GONNA SIT THEREON YOUR HANDS AND KNEES

"SCREAMING,'RAM ME, RAM ME HARDER'?

"'IT FEELS SO GOOD.I LOVE TO BE RAMMED,' HUH?

"I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'THAVE GOTTEN HER EARS PIERCED.

"HOWARD, LOOK AT HER.SHE'S ON HER HANDS AND KNEES.

THAT'S WHAT SHE DOES NOW."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"THERE ARE MULTIPLE WARSGOING ON IN THE WORLD,

"AND THIS IS GONNA BEHER CONTRIBUTION.

"SHE'S GONNAJUST SIT THERE LIKE THIS.

"I THINK YOU TALKED ABOUTBEING A WOMEN'S STUDIES MAJOR

"AT ONE POINT,SO I HOPE YOU'RE PLEASED.

YOUR FEET ARE ON HIS SHOULDERS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY DAD'S REALLY CHEAP.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE HAS A --A CHEAP PARENT.

IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU GETA CROWD TO RAISE THE ROOF OVER,

BUT I APPRECIATE THAT.

YEAH, MY DAD'S GOTA REAL PROBLEM.

HE'S A -- HE'S A SICK MAN.

HE WAS VOLUNTEERINGON THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN

FOR ALMOST A FULL YEARBEFORE HE WAS ELECTED.

AND HE COMES UP TO VISIT ME

AND HE GETS OFF THE TRAINAND HE'S WEARING A McCAIN HAT,

WHICH I COULDN'T QUITEFIGURE OUT.

AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S BECAUSEHE FOUND IT ON THE TRAIN.

THAT'S HOW CHEAP MY FATHER IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

HE WOULD WEAR A HITLER JUMPSUITIF IT WAS FREE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A FUN-LOVING HITLER JUMPSUITTHAT SAID, "HITLER -- WHY NOT?"

JUST COULDN'T QUITE KEEPHIS JEW FINGERS --

HIS "JINGERS" --OFF THE FREE THING.

HE HAD TO GRAB IT.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

I TRY TO MEET GUYSWITH MY FRIENDS, BUT, AH--

MY PROBLEM WITH --WITH MY FRIENDS

IS JUST THAT THEY'REREAL WHORES,

REAL, UNSTOPPABLE WHORES.

[ LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.AND I'VE HAD IT.

I-I REALLY HAVE.

I WAS OUT WITH THEMTHE OTHER NIGHT

AND WE'RE AT THIS BARAND I'M TALKING TO THIS GUY

AND HE'S KIND OF LEANING IN,

LIKE MAYBE HE'S INTRIGUED BY MEOR SOMETHING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I LOOK UP,

AND I NOTICE,OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE,

MY FRIEND THAT I CAME THERE WITHIS DOING SOME SORT OF A --

A TITTY DANCE ON THE BARRIGHT ABOVE US.

AND YOU CAN'T REALLYCOMPETE WITH THAT,

'CAUSE I THINK EVERY MANHOPES AND PRAYS

THAT A TITTY JIGIS JUST GONNA ERUPT

AT ANY MOMENTDURING THEIR LIVES.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN SHE STARTS MAKING OUT

WITH THIS RIDICULOUSLY HOTFEMALE BARTENDER.

LIKE HE'S GONNA STOPAND CHOOSE MY CONVERSATION

OVER THE TWO OF THEMQUEERING OFF RIGHT ABOVE HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAD TO SEND HER HOME,WHICH WAS KIND OF AWKWARD

'CAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TOSPEND THE NIGHT AT HER HOUSE.

SO, I'M LIKE,"GO HOME, YOU WHORE.

I'LL SEE YOU IN AN HOUR."

AND -- AND I GET --I GET TO HER APARTMENT

AT JUST SOME WORTHLESS TIME --

AND I OPEN THE DOORAND THE FIRST THING I SEE

IS HER LYING COMPLETELY NAKEDON THE KITCHEN FLOOR,

REAL -- REAL CLASSY LIKE.

AND, UH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THERE WAS A PIECEOF FRENCH TOAST ON HER TIT,

WHICH WAS, UH...

[ LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

...WAS REALLY A MYSTERYOF SORTS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...'CAUSE SHE WASN'T SO DRUNK

THAT SHE COULDN'T WHIP UPSOME FRENCH TOAST, WHICH IS --

WELL, IT'S ALMOSTA CLASSY DESIRE AT THAT HOUR.

YET SHE WAS ENOUGH OF A MESSTO LEAVE IT ON HER TIT

WITH A BITE OUT OF IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THESE ARE THE ELEGANT LADIESI KEEP WITH.

AND THEN SHE PROPS HERSELF UPREALLY FAST, AND SHE GOES,

"I WAS JUST THINKING I WOULDWAIT UP FOR YOU TONIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

REALLY, LIKE I WAS GONNA BELIEVEIT WAS AN ACT OF HOSPITALITY,

HER LYING THERE LIKEA BLUDGEONED PROSTITUTE...

WITH CONTINENTAL BREAKFASTON HER RACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY MOM HAS THIS FRIENDNAMED SANDY PASTERNAK,

AND SHE ACTUALLY INTRODUCESHERSELF TO PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

SHE GOES,"HI, I'M SANDY PASTERNAK.

LET THE PASTOR KEEPING NAPPIN'.LET'S HAVE SOME FUN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SEE, THAT'S NOT OKAY.THAT'S...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND EVERY TIME I SEE HERAT A PARTY OR A FUNCTION

OR SOMETHING, SHE'LL GIVE METHIS KIND OF LIKE

"WE'RE BOTH NAUGHTY" WINKFROM ACROSS THE ROOM.

LIKE, EVERY TIME I SEE HER,SHE KIND OF -- LIKE WE BOTH --

WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE,ME AND SANDY, YOU KNOW?

EVERY TIME I SEE HER,SHE ALWAYS GOES...

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE WE'RE GONNA STEAL A CARTOGETHER LATER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND MY GRANDMOTHER'SAT THIS AGE NOW

WHERE SHE'S SO OLD,SHE'S SUSPICIOUS.

SHE'S JUST WALKING AROUNDLIKE...

[ Strained voice ] "WHAT THEHELL IS GOING ON? WHAT IS THIS?"

[ Normal voice ]SHE'S FURIOUS. SHE'S LIKE...

[ Strained voice ]"WHAT IS THIS [BLEEP]"

[ Normal voice ]AND MY MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE...

[ Midwestern accent ]"NO, GRANDMA'S FINE.

WE GOT HER CABLE.SHE'S FINE."

[ Normal voice ]REALLY, WHO CARES THATSHE'S CONSTANTLY TERRIFIED

AS LONG AS SHE HAS SHOWTIME?

THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.

SHE'S BEWILDERED, LIKE,EVERY MOMENT OF HER DAY, LIKE...

[ Strained voice ]"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ] I DON'T THINKI WANT TO LIVE THAT LONG,

WHERE, LIKE, EVERYTHING --

I MEAN,EVERYTHING CONFUSES HER.

LIKE, I THINK --AND SHE SITS THERE.

SHE WATCHES THE CABLE.SHE LOVES IT.

I THINK SHE KNOWS MOREABOUT POP CULTURE THAN I DO

'CAUSE SHE WATCHES MTV ALL DAY.

BUT SHE JUST STUDIES ITLIKE SHE'S STUDYING THE ENEMY

ON THE EDGE OF HER SEAT,YOU KNOW?

AND I'LL GO OVER THERE,AND SHE'LL RANT ABOUTWHATEVER SHE'S SEEN.

SHE'LL BE LIKE...

[ Strained voice ] "YOU KNOW,I WATCHED SOME OF THESE VIDEOS,

"AND I NOTICEDTHAT NOW THE FELLAS --

THEY PURSUE THE WOMENVERY DIFFERENTLY."

[ Normal voice ]I'M LIKE, "REALLY? NO [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Strained voice ]"'CAUSE, YEAH, IT USED TO BE,

"IF A FELLA LIKED YOU, YOU KNOW,

"HE WOULD TAKE YOU FOR A WALKOR SOMETHING.

"BUT NOW WHAT THEY DOIS THEY TAKE YOU OUT BY A POOL

AND THEY JUST POUR LIQUORALL OVER YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW, I WASWATCHING SOME OF THESE VIDEOS,

"AND I NOTICE NOW, YOU KNOW,THEY -- THEY DO THIS NEW DANCE.

"IT'S CALLED THE BOOTY CLAP.

"THEY TAKE THE SIDESOF THEIR REAR,

"AND THEY CLAP IT TOGETHER.

"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

"IT USED TO BE A FELLA WOULD,YOU KNOW,

"GIVE YOU A PIECE OF TOFFEEAND WALTZ WITH YOU.

"NOW THEY JUST SIT THERE

AND THEY WATCH YOU BY THE POOLWHILE YOU SMACK YOUR REAR."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I NOTICE NOW THAT THERE'STHIS NEW KIND OF HARASSING,

WHERE GUYS WILL DO THIS THING

WHERE THEY KIND OFWALK BEHIND YOU

AND THEY'LL ACT LIKE THEY HAVE

SOME VERY IMPORTANTINFORMATION FOR YOU,

BUT IT'S --IT'S A BIT OF A TRICK.

I WAS WALKING THE OTHER DAY.THIS GUY'S WALKING BEHIND ME.

AND HE KEEPS TALKING TO ME

IN THIS DUMB, GENTLE,SLOW-JAM VOICE.

[ Deep voice ] HE KEEPS GOING,"EXCUSE ME, MISS, NO --

NO DISRESPECT, BABY GIRL,BUT I JUST --"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M SAYIN'.I'M SAYIN'.

"NO DISRESPECT.I'M SAYIN', BOY.

"I JUST GOT ONE THINGI WANT TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.

"JUST ONE THING -- THAT'S ALL.

MM. MM. MM."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"PLEASE, BABY.COME ON, BABY.

I'M SAYIN'."

[ Normal voice ]LIKE, REALLY, THE TWO OF US --

WE HAVE SOME BUSINESS TOGETHER.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

BUT I'M A BIT OF A DRINKER,

SO THERE'S ALWAYS THAT CHANCE IDROPPED A DEBIT CARD, YOU KNOW?

I KIND OF HAVE TO TURN AROUND.

I'M, UH...

I'M A SLOPPY GAL.

SO, I TURN AROUND.HE GOES...

[ Deep voice ]"NO -- NO DISRESPECT, BABY GIRL.

"I JUST --I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW

"THAT YOUR DRESS IS, LIKE,A LITTLE BIT SEE-THROUGH.

"JUST WANT TO -- JUST TRYIN'TO LOOK OUT, YOU KNOW?

JUST WANT TO LET --JUST TRYIN' TO LOOK OUT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I GOT YOU.I GOT YOU."

[ Normal voice ]IT'S LIKE, "REALLY?

"AND WHAT ARE YOU, SOME SORT OFGUARDIAN ANGEL OF THE STREETS,

"TRYING TO PROTECT ME FROM A MANTHAT MIGHT BE AROUSED BY THAT?

"NOT YOU, NO, GOD FORBID.

NO, IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.THAT'S NOT YOUR POST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, I START TO TURN AROUND,

AND I REALIZED THAT HEWAS WALKING SO CLOSE TO ME

THAT SOMEHOW THE ZIPPERON HIS JACKET

GOT CAUGHT IN MY DRESS, WHICH --THAT'S RIGHT.

FOR -- FOR ME, THAT'S SORT OFTHE DEFINITION OF HELL,

BEING ATTACHED TO SOMEONEYOU'RE DISGUSTED BY.

AND I REALIZED THAT WE WEREGONNA HAVE TO WORK AS A TEAM

FOR THE NEXT FEW MOMENTSOF OUR LIFE,

TO SORT ALL THIS OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, I STOP ON THIS DUMB CORNER.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS

WHERE YOU HATE EVERYTHINGABOUT THE PERSON.

YOU REALLY HATE THE PERSONNICE AND THOROUGHLY.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "UGH. UGH!"LIKE, WE'RE SITTING THERE.

I'M PULLINGON HIS STUPID JACKET.

AND HIS JACKET SAID "HOT SPOT"ON IT.

JUST THOSE TWO MEANINGLESS WORDSWERE MAKING ME SO ANGRY,

YOU KNOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M PULLING ON HIS --AND HE KEEPS GOING --

AS I'M PULLING ON HIM,HE KEEPS GOING...

[ Deep voice ]"COME ON, BABY GIRL.

"JUST TRY TO BE EASY.YOU GOT TO BE EASY WITH THESE.

JUST WANT YOU TO BE EASY.TAKE IT EASY."

[ Normal voice ]HE SAYS IT IN THIS VOICE

LIKE WE'RE HAVING SEX, AND I'MA LITTLE TOO EXCITED AGAIN.

I'M GETTING TO THAT POINT

WHERE I CAN'T CONTROL MY LUSTANY LONGER.

SO, I'M PULLING ON IT,AND RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT,

I SEE THIS GUYTHAT I DATED A YEAR AGO.

AND HE ACTUALLY DUMPED ME.

HE TOLD ME DIDN'TSEE IT GOING ANYWHERE

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVEENOUGH OF A PLAN IN LIFE.

AND OF COURSE,THIS IS THE [BLEEP] MOMENT

HE'S GOT TO SEE ME,OF ALL THE MOMENTS, YOU KNOW?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S GOT TO BE NOW.

LIKE, THERE'S NO WAYI CAN EXPLAIN WHAT'SGOING ON AS HE'S PASSING.

THERE'S NO POSSIBLE WAYI CAN TELL HIM

WHY I'M ALL, LIKE,CAUGHT UP IN THE THROES OF LOVE

WITH HOMELESS JENKINS OVER HERE.

AND I DIDTHE GAYEST THING POSSIBLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY. I JUST FELTMYSELF GIVING HIM A THUMBS-UP.

IT WAS JUST ONEOF THOSE DUMB, LIKE --

WHO EVEN DOES THAT ANYMORE?

NOBODY GIVES A THUMBS-UP.IT'S NOT DONE. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

AND HE GAVE ME ONE BACK, TOO,BUT HIS WAS --

HIS WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENTTHAN MINE.

HIS SORT OF SAID, "BITCH,YOU'RE -- YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN."

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

Loading...