Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 04/27/2014

Jim Gaffigan dissects everything from weddings to his hatred for shellfish, proving once again that nobody can obsess over the little things quite like he can.

- My three-year-old's now four.

I also have a nine-year-oldand an eight-year-old

and a two-year-oldand a one-year-old.

I have five kids.

I used to have more,but I ate them.

Five kids.

I love it, but I don't knowwhat happened.

Ten years ago,I couldn't get a date,

and now my apartment'sliterally crawling with babies.

It's like I left peanut butterout or something.

Strangers, for some reason,

think I'm unawarethat it's a lot of kids.

"Five kids.That's a lot of kids."

"Oh, you think so?Thanks for the heads-up.

Do you mind if I stab youin the head?"

The best is when I'm alonewith my five kids

and inevitably struggling,and some stranger

will come up to me and go,

"Looks like you gotyour hands full."

Why would you say that?

It's like going up to someonein a wheelchair,

"Looks like you don't doa lot of dancing."

"Looks like you gotyour hands full."

Yeah.I could still punch you.

But it is a lot of kids,you know.

We've jumped the shark.

Because when you havefour kids,

people are like, "Wow,"but when you have five,

people are like,"Just stop.

"What, are you creatingyour own nationality?

"Settle down.

"Is there gonna be a countrycalled 'Gaffganistan'?

Make a plan."

Some people thinkit's religious.

Like, "You have all those kidsfor religious reasons."

That's not how it works.

If anything, you havefour or five kids,

and then youbecome religious.

Because once you lose a kidat the mall,

you know, atheist or not,

you start talking to Godright away.

You're like, "Hey, God.

"I know I haven't talked to youin a while,

"probably since finalsin high school.

"Anyway, if you could help mefind my son,

"I promiseI'll change my life.

"I'll stop going to Wendy's.

"Oh, there he is.Never mind, God.

Well, we're off to Wendy's."

♪ Doo doo doo doodoo doo ♪

"Talk to youwhen I get cancer."

♪ Doo doo doo doo

- It's good to be herein Boston.

[cheers and applause]Oh, I love Bo--This is a--

Boston's a tough city, right?

It's like, Boston!

Boston! Lob-stah!

I love the Boston energy.

And you guys,all of New England,

you guys love your seafood,

and it's just disgusting.

Lob-stah! Lob-stah!

I was vacationingon Cape Cod because I'm white.


I was at thisseafood restaurant, right?

And this guy came overto our table.

Wasn't even our waiter.He came over to the table.

He was like,"Hey, I couldn't help--"

I don't know how to dothe Boston accent.

"You're not eating lobster.

Is there a reason whyyou're not eating lob-stah?"

And I was like, "Uh, I thoughtI'd order what I want.

I wasn't reallyin the mood for bug meat."

Because that'swhat shellfish are.

They're just creepy-crawly,giant insects

on the bottom of the ocean.

You know fishare swimming around like,

"We got to get an exterminatorup in this piece."

They're bugs.They have a shell like a bug.

They have spindly legsand crawl around like a bug.

They have antennaelike a monster.

They're probably monsters.

Like, if you went home and yousaw a chicken in your house,

you'd be like, "What the hell'sa chicken doing in my house?"

But if you saw a lobster,you'd be like, "We're moving."

Because there's nota nickel's worth of difference

between a lobsterand a giant scorpion.

Now, I understand everyoneloves lobster, "I love lobster."

Hey, I like butter too, okay?

How can I eatthree sticks of butter?

Well, I found this giant,swimming sea scorpion.

It's just a spoonful of butterhelps the bug meat go down.

In the most delightful way.

Lobster tail.

Is that the areanear the butt? Mmm.

That's what I want,a little turf and bug butt.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

How about those restaurants

where you have to pick outyour own lobster?

You're like,"I guess I'll take that one

"that's really strugglingwith the rubber bands.

He seems appealing.Why don't we boil him to death?"

Why am I involvedin this decision?

But the Northeast?It's all shellfish.

Maryland with the crab.

Isn't it kind of a red flagyou need a hammer to eat a crab?

Oh, you're having the crab?

Let me get you some tools,so you can crack open

that bug shell and getthat half a bite of bug meat.

Crab, it's too much work.

They're like the pistachioof seafood.

And there's that nasty partof the crab

you're not supposed to eat.

I think it's calledall of it!

'Cause they're crabs,

as in the sexuallytransmitted disease.

That has the same name becauseit's the exact same thing!

They're just the baby versionof the dinner crab.

You know God'sup in Heaven going,

"What do I got to do to stopthem from eating the crabs?

"I gave it a rock-hard shell.

"I put it on the bottomof the ocean.

"I named a disease after it.

Jesus, you're gonna haveto go back down there."

I don't even know how people

order crabswith a straight face.

"Yeah, my wife and I--You know what?

"I'll get crabs,and I'll give her some.

Don't tell her.I want it to be a surprise."

Even the crabas a creature is creepy.

It always looks like it's tryingto avoid an awkward situation.

"Is that--Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap."

Clams and oysters.

How did we evenstart eating those?

"Hey, I found a rockwith a snot in it.

I was thinking of eating it."

"Go ahead."

"All right."[slurps]

"What's it taste like?""Pneumonia."

Oysters on the half shell.

As opposed to what,in a Kleenex?

Even the way you'resupposed to eat an oyster--

Squeeze some lemon,a little hot sauce,

throw it down the back of yourthroat, take a shot of vodka,

and try and forgetyou ate a snot from a rock.

That's nothow you eat something.

That's how you overdoseon sleeping pills.

I mean, that--

That stuff tasteslike bug spray.

I was lookingat a can of bug spray.

It said,"Made with real kale."

Kale is a superfood,

and its special poweris tasting bad.

It's inedible.

All you have to dois freeze-dry it,

cover it in cayenne peppers,

put it in a shake,and bury it in the ground.

Kale is so good for you.

It's like a really bitterspinach with hair.

Kale is so good for you.

They could find out kalecures cancer, and I would still

be like, "I'm just gonna dothe chemo, all right?

I've tried the kale.Okay?"

The police,they love donuts, right?

Hey, cop.Why don't you get a donut?

Cops love donuts.

Which isan interesting stereotype,

because you knowwho else loves donuts?

Absolutely everyone.

Of coursecops love donuts,

'cause they know the differencebetween right and wrong.

And not liking donutsis wrong!

Have you ever met someonethat doesn't like a donut?

You want to know why?Because they're in jail.

[chuckling] I had a donutbefore I came onstage.

I was with a friendlast week.

I was like,"You want to get a donut?"

He was like, "I'm not hungry."

I'm like, "What does thathave to do with it?"

As if there's ever beena good reason to eat a donut.

Well, doctor says I needmore powdered sugar in my diet.

Donuts are bad for you,

and accordingto my health-nut wife,

they're "not appropriatefor a trail mix," you know.

I'm juston a different trail, right?

Mine leadsto the emergency room.

That joke will be even funnierwhen I die from cardiac arrest.

"That's why I didn't laugh."

Donuts areall about taste.

In Los Angeles, there's a placecalled Yum Yum Donuts.

It's like, what?

Do you need the IQ of 1to find that appealing?

Yum Yum?

Me like yum yum.

It's like, who'sthe target audience, cavemen?

I know two thing.

Yellow fireball rise in skyand Yum Yum Donuts.

Yum Yum Donuts, yum yum.

Sometimes I feel like I'mtrying to get fat.

Last night, I was eatinga pint of ice cream,

and I finished it,because I'm American, all right?

I took off the lid,and I threw it away,

'cause I'm nota quitter, everyone.

And because I careabout the environment.

I was conserving energyby not refreezing it.

You're welcome.

Of course it was at night.

You ever eat ice creamduring the day?

You're like, what are we--six years old?

Did we just getour tonsils out?

Why are there peoplearound me?

Shouldn't I be alonewatching Lifetime?

Those hoarders, those arethe ones with the problem.

I was eating a pint of ice creamin sweatpants, like a man.

My wife came in the room,and she was like,

"Jim, are you gonna eatan entire pint

of ice cream by yourself?"

And I was like, "Hopefully.

Unless you selfishlywant a bite."

"Jim, you havea nine-year-old daughter.

Don't you want to beat her wedding?"

"Not really. No.

"Wait, is there gonna beice cream at her wedding?

Because if you promise--I still don't want to go."

How would attending a wedding--Why would that be an incentive?

It's like, "Don't you die!

"In 18 years, there's an awkwardparty you have to pay for!

And we need youto write a check."

No, I understand weddingsare an important event

where we spend a lot of moneyso that the bride

can pretend to be a princess!

And marry her princeand live happily ever after

because magic exists.

[laughs]And we're a bunch of weirdos.

Weddings are kind of weird.I mean, what's the logic?

It's like,"Well, we love each other.

"Why don't we pretendwe have a kingdom?

"We'll invite your parents'friends and my parents' friends,

"and we'll have a banquet.

"And the two kingdomsshall come together as one.

"And we can start our marriedlife with a total fantasy

before we go on a completelyunjustified vacation."

It's strange, right?

I mean, weddings started off

as these crude,medieval ceremonies

where women, daughters,were exchanged as property.

Yet over the courseof centuries, they got worse.

That's whypeople cry at weddings.

"I can't believe we're stillwasting money on this."

Whenever I see someonecrying at a wedding,

I always say, "Don't worry.It probably won't work out."

It is nice to be invitedto a wedding,

but you always lookat that invitation

like,"Ah, this is gonna cost me.

"Oh, good.It's out of town.

Wouldn't want to use thosevacation days for vacationing."

And you can tell how mucha wedding's gonna cost you

by the typeof invitation you receive.

You're like, "[gasps] Oh, no.This one's made of baby skin."

And that fontand the language on that.

"The honorable king slayercordially invites you

"to the marriageof his 40-year-old daughter

"to her live-in boyfriendof 12 years.

Bring thy wallet."

Because you have to getthe newlyweds a gift

because they've done nothing!

So you go to the registry.

The registry,which is a nice way of saying,

"You don't haveto get us anything.

But when you do, make sureit's one of these things."

You ever go to the registrylate, and you're like,

"Aw, the only thing leftis a fork for $300.

"I guess we'll bethe fork friends.

We'll get them the fork."

My wife had us registerfor fine china

because you never knowwhen the Pope's gonna swing by

and want a microwaved hot dogon a $200 plate.

My parents--growing up,my parents had fine china

that you couldn't even putin the dishwasher.

"[gasps]Don't get that wet.

"You need to clean itwith a kitten.

It needs to bea white kitten."


At most weddings, the guestsreceive a gift, right?

Sometimes it's, like, a bagof almonds covered in candy.

Thanks.I guess we're even...

since you got mea bag of nuts.

"Feel free to takethe centerpiece."

Sure you don't want usto bus some tables?

Uh, I didn't bring a broom,but I could sweep.

It's not always, like, nuts.

Sometimes the gift is,like, a knickknack

or a Happy Meal toykind of thing.

The last wedding we were at,everyone at the wedding

got a wine stopperfilled with sand

because the themeof the wedding was waste.

I got in trouble when I askedthe bride--I was like,

"At what point are we supposedto jab this in our throat?

During the first dance?"

That's horrib--[chuckles]

I do find it fascinating.

There's always a drunk personat a wedding, right?

And I think it's becausethere's so many awkward moments.

Like that receiving lineas a guest?

I never know what to sayto those people.

I always feel likeI've just seen a friend

in a play or something.

"That was great.You were great up there.

"What you said.I like this program.

"Well, I'm gonna lieto someone else now.

"You were good too.You're the grandma.

"We got them the fork.

Is the bar open?"

Some of thosewedding rituals--

have you beento one of the weddings

where the groom removesthe garter belt from the bride

and flings itto a crowd of perverts?

Because he cherisheshis br--what?

Who came up with that one?

Hey, you know how the bridethrows the bouquet?

How 'bout somethingfor the fellas?

Maybe the bride's underwear?

What happensto that garter belt?

Oh, I have itin a very special place.

It's in a room coveredwith photographs of the bride.

And there's candlesand fried bread everywhere.

I have been toVictoria's Secret.

I had a reason.

You know, as a man,you need a reason

to be in Victoria's Secret.

You can't just be in therelike, "I'm looking around.

See what you ladiesare buying."

I was getting my wife somethingfor Valentine's Day.

You have to reach a pointin a relationship where you can

get a woman somethingfrom Victoria's Secret.

It's not likea first-date thing, like,

"Thanks for meeting mefor dinner.

"I got you a bustier.

Why don't you go in the baño and throw that on?"

Secretly, every guy wantsto go in Victoria's Secret.

We walk by in the mall.

We're like,"Oh, one day.

One day, I'll have a reason."

Because, you know,we've seen the catalog.

You don't even haveto search out the catalog.

It just shows up in your mail.

You're like,"Oh, what's this?

"Seems like there'ssome good articles in here.

If I wasn't married, I could getrejected by all these women."

And guys,we're just dumb enough,

we seethat Victoria's Secret store,

and we think, "Maybe that'swhere those models live.

"They're probablyin there right now,

"walking aroundin angels' wings.

"They're probably in therehaving a pillow fight right now.

"If I could find a practicalreason to go in there,

it would be amazing."

And then you finallygo into Victoria's Secret,

and it's likea Greyhound bus station.

What, are you guysin between shifts in here?

Where's all the angels?

There's just stressed-outsalesladies with headsets on.

"Underwear,underwear, underwear."

"Where's the open bar?"

But you're still a guyin a woman's underwear store.

And you don't wantto look like a creep.

That's why every manat Victoria's Secret

has the same expressionon his face of, "Boring!

"This is place is boringbecause I'm not a pervert.

"There's nothing stimulatingin here

"because it's boring to me,

"especially those huge postersof supermodels mostly naked.