Tuesday, August 16, 2016

  • 08/16/2016

Maz Jobrani, Gina Yashere and Jon Dore battle it out in night two of @midnight's Non-Trademark-Infringing International Competition for Gold, Silver and Bronze Medals.

Things are looking grimfor the presidential candidacy

of swollen Nicolas Cagecharacter Donald Trump.


He's respondingto dropping poll numbers

by softening his rhetoricand taking a more reasoned,

compassionate tonewith his speeches.

Nah, I'm just (bleep) with you.

He's headed backto the bat (bleep) buffet

for another heaping helpingof jingoistic nonsense.

Here he is talking abouthis cool new immigration policy.

I call it "extreme vetting."

I call it extreme...

extreme vetting.

(laughter) -Wait.I'm a little... I'm a little

unclear on that.What kind of vetting was that?

Was that just normal,run-of-the mill vetting,

or extreme?!

(applause and cheering)

-♪ -I call it extreme...

extreme vetting.

(applause and cheering)


-That works? That works?-Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

-The kids love heavy vetting.-(laughter)

Now this totally bitching newpolicy would require immigrants

to take an intense loyalty test

to prove that they'reas American as (bleep)

enough for Trump's U.S. of A.

I guess if this questionnairebecomes a reality, what's

a question you think Trumpmight put on it? Maz Jobrani.

He's gonna say, "I'm gonna dosome word association with you.

"I'm gonna give you a word.

"You say the first thingthat comes to your mind.

Allahu Akbar!"


-HARDWICK: All right.-(applause and cheering)


I think he's gonna asksome hard questions,

see if he can catch you at it.

He'd be like, "What do youprefer-- hot dogs and fireworks

on the Fourth of July,or September the 11th?!"


-(applause and cheering)-Ah, oh. Ah, oh. Oh, no!

Jon Dore.

He'd probably say,"Are you a rapist?

-I mean, Mexican?"-(laughter)

It's time once again to crownthe song of the summer, and,

so far, a few jams havestood out above the rest.

"One Dance" by Drake,

"Can't Stop the Feeling"by Justin Timberlake,

and, of course,"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"

by Dick Van Dykeand the Vantastix.

♪ Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ♪

♪ Oh, you,pretty Chitty Bang, Bang ♪

♪ Chitty Chitty Bang Bangwe love you, and in... ♪

-(laughter, applause & cheering)-Oh.


-Quality.-I like that. I like that.

Just wait till the other patronshear his, uh,

fantasticcockney rendition of...

(cockney accent):♪ My neck, my back

♪ My pussy and my crack.

-Uh... -Yeah!-(laughter)

I would also like to givea hundred apology points

-to Great Britain for that.-Yeah, that was horrible.

Well, Twitter user@rodger_sherman has found a late

Song of the Summer candidatefrom the Rio Olympics--

a horrible rip-off of Queen,as you can see from this video.

It brought the house down!Look at the mayhem!

(to "We Will Rock You"):♪ Let's get, let's get

-(rhythmic clapping)-♪ Into it

♪ This is Rio, 2016

♪ Thank you all for coming in

♪ Help us keepthe arenas clean... ♪

-HARDWICK: Uh...-Yeah! -Wow!

-(cheering)-He liked it.

Unfortunately, it cuts outbefore the lines...

♪ Someone stole my kidneys,Zika's so mean ♪

♪ Pissin' in the pooltill the water turns green ♪

♪ We will, we will

♪ Rob you!

-(laughter, cheering)-And then...

They liked it. They liked it.

And then I think they gointo "Brazilian Rhapsody,"

which is 14 minutes long.Now, since we didn't get to hear

the entire song, comedians,please give us another line

from this Olympic-themedSong of the Summer.


♪ Michael Phelps wins medalsand everybody gloats ♪

♪ But Simone Manuel provesthat black people float. ♪

-(cheering, applause) -Ha-ha!Points. Well done. Points.

Okay. Thank you.

-(whooping, whistling)-Thank you.

-And now it's time

for tonight's competitionof #HashtagWars.


Iran, Great Britain, Canada--who will emerge triumphant?

The Olympic Gamesare star-making

for a lot of otherwiseobscure foreign athletes.

One day you're justa beefy Estonian nobody

who's good at shot put, andthe next you're a national hero

with a soft drink endorsement

who's pullingdeejay-quality tail.

So in that spirit,tonight's hashtag is


Examples might be:Greece Witherspoon;

and: The Leaning Towerof P. Diddy;

or: Chris Hardwickshire.Hmm? Huh? Yes?

It's a real place.It's a real place!

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Gina.-Iggy Israelea.

-Yes, points! Very good.-(cheering)

-Maz.-Iran-ald McDonald.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

-Gina.-Tupac Shakur-distan.


Very good.

-That beats it, yeah.-Very well done, Great Britain.

-(bell dings)-Jon Dore.

Uh, Kurd Cobain.

HARDWICK:Yes. Points.

Points. Maz.

Chaka Khan Go.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

Maz Jobrani.

-Vanilla Iceland.-HARDWICK: Yes, points.

Right there. Gina.

Kanye West Bank.

Yes, points.Very good.


CeeLo Greenland.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

Very good. Maz.

Notorious UAE.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

-(bell buzzing)-Jon Dore, Jon Dore,

buzzing in at the last minute.

Um, this is the winner,

Tom York.