Comedy Central Presents
Season 13

CC Presents: Eddie Ifft

  • Season 13, Ep 15
  • 01/11/2009

I'VE JUST GOTTEN BACK FROMTRAVELING ALL OVER THE WORLD,

AND IT'S REALLY FUN RIGHT NOWTO TRAVEL AND BE AN AMERICAN...

BECAUSE WE'RE REALLY POPULAR.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU KNOW THIS --

WE USED TO BE, LIKE,THE COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

WE WERE THE COOLEST COUNTRY.

WE WERE LIKE FONZIE.

NOW WE'RE KIND OF LIKEHENRY WINKLER.

AND YOU TRAVEL, AND YOU GETYELLED AT FOR BEING AN AMERICAN.

THEY'RE LIKE,"OH, YOU'RE AN AMERICAN?

YOU STARTED THAT WAR."

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH.IT WAS ME.

I FORGOT. I MUST HAVE DONE THATRIGHT AFTER MY SUDOKU."

AND THEY THINK WE'RE DUMB, TOO,SO I ALWAYS PLAY IT UP.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT WAR?

"THERE'S A WAR GOING ON?

"THEY DON'T TELL US ABOUT THATIN AMERICA.

"DO YOU MEAN THE ONEWITH BRITNEY AND K-FED?

"'CAUSE THAT WAS CRAZY!

I DIDN'T KNOWWHO WAS GONNA GET THE BABIES!"

AND THE BEST PART IS,

THEY ALWAYS WANT TO ARGUEWITH ME ABOUT THE WAR.

THEY WANT TO HAVEA RATIONAL ARGUMENT.

YOU CAN'TBECAUSE I'M A COMEDIAN.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW

"AMERICAN ONLY WENT TO WAROVER THE OIL,

"'CAUSE THE OIL'S THE MOSTEXPENSIVE COMMODITY

IN THE WORLD."

AND I'M LIKE, "APPARENTLY,

YOU'VE NEVER BOUGHTPRINTER INK."

'CAUSE IF YOU'VE EVER BOUGHTAN INK CARTRIDGE OR TONER,

YOU KNOW, POUND FOR POUND,

THAT'S THE MOST EXPENSIVE STUFFIN THE WORLD.

SERIOUSLY,I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I THINK IT MUST BE MADEOF THE BLOOD AND TEARS

OF YOUNG CAMBODIAN CHILDREN.

'CAUSE I'VE DONE THE RESEARCH.

PEOPLE BITCHABOUT THE PRICE OF OIL.

OIL COMES IN A BARREL --IN A BARREL!

IT'S $140 FOR A BARRELOF THE STUFF!

MY INK CARTRIDGE --

THIS BIG!

IT'S THIS BIG!

IT'S [LAUGHS]

IT'S $76!

MY PRINTER ONLY COST $40!

I'M A PACIFIST.

I DO NOT BELIEVE IN WAR.I REALLY DON'T.

BUT WHEN I CLICK "PRINT"ON MY MAC

AND THAT LITTLE BUBBLE POPS UP

AND GOES,"YOUR MAGENTA IS LOW..."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAGENTA IS,

BUT IT MAKES ME WANT TO BOMBTHE HELL OUT OF A COUNTRY.

I WILL TAKE OUTWOMEN AND CHILDREN.

THAT'S A WARI'M WILLING TO FIGHT.

I WILL FIGHT THAT WAR,

'CAUSE NOBODY WILL EVERPROTEST THAT WAR.

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE PEOPLEWITH BIG SIGNS,

"NO WAR FOR TONER!"

'CAUSE THEY DON'T WANTTO PRINT THE SIGNS.

THE WORLD IS.

AMERICA --WE'RE NOT ENVIRONMENTAL.

THEY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENTOVER THERE.

AND I USED TO CARE,TILL I WENT THERE

AND THEY MADE MERIDE A BIKE EVERYWHERE.

I'M IN AMSTERDAM -- THEY GIVE MEA BIKE WITH A BABY SEAT ON IT.

I'M A SINGLE DUDE.I'M TRYING TO MEET THE LADIES.

I LOOK LIKE A BAD FATHER.LIKE, "DING-A-LING-A-LING."

"GOT THE DAY OFF."[ LAUGHS ]

I WAS LIKE, "I MIGHT AS WELLHAVE FUN WITH IT."

SO I RODE AROUND WITH THIS BIKEWITH THIS EMPTY BABY SEAT

JUST GOING, "HAS ANYBODYSEEN MY BABY?

HELP ME!I'VE LOST MY BABY!"

AND PEOPLE WERE COMING FROMALL OVER LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED?"I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

"I HIT A BUMP, AND HE JUSTBOUNCED OFF THE BACK!

I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS."

AND THEY'RE LIKE, "WELL,WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?"

AND I'M LIKE, "LIKE A BABY."

AND THEY GO,"WELL, DESCRIBE HIM."

"HE'S LITTLE. AND HE'S BALD."

AND I KNOW THEY'RE ALL STONED,SO I'M LIKE,

"AND HE'S GOT A MUSTACHEAND TATTOOS."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,"OKAY, WE'LL FIND HIM."

AND THEY WENT RUNNING OFFIN THEIR WOODEN SHOES.

EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE HIPPIE.

THIS ONE AMERICAN HIPPIECAME UP TO ME.

HE GOES, "DUDE...

"YOU DON'T HAVE A BABY."

"YOU HAVE A MIDGET."

[ LAUGHS ]

HE'S LIKE,"YOU LOST YOUR MIDGET."

HE GOES, "DON'T WORRY.WE'RE GONNA FIND YOUR MIDGET.

"THEY'RE EASY TO FIND

'CAUSE EVERYBODY'S ALWAYSPOINTING AT THEM."

AND THEN, EVEN WORSE THAN THAT,

SOME GUY COMES UP TO MEWITH A BABY.

HE'S LIKE, "IS THIS YOUR BABY?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

YES, IT IS."

AND I TOOK HIM, AND I DIDN'TKNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIM,

SO I USED HIM AS A HEROIN MULE

TO SMUGGLE HEROIN BACKFOR WHEN I'M 90.

WHAT? BABIES MAKE THE BESTHEROIN MULES.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKEAN AIRPLANE NOISE,

AND THEY SWALLOW IT.

YOU'RE LIKE [IMITATES AIRPLANE]

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE...

SOME OF THESE ARE JOKES.

SOME OF THEM ARE FACTS.

BABIES MAKE GREAT HEROIN MULES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT THIS ISN'TTHE LAND OF THE FREE.

'CAUSE I JUST WENTTO AMSTERDAM, I THINK.

[ SCATTERED WHOOPING ]

YEAH, YOU GO THERE,AND YOU FIND OUT THINGS LIKE

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVELEGAL THINGS LIKE DRUGS.

AND, YOU KNOW,I GOT TO BE HONEST,

I THINK DRUGS SHOULD BE LEGAL...FOR THE ELDERLY.

LIKE, REALLY,IF YOU'RE 90, YOU MADE IT.

LIKE, COME ON.YOU SHOULD BE DEAD ANYWAYS.

DOES ANYBODY CARE IF, LIKE,A 90-YEAR-OLD DOES DRUGS?

THEY MAKE A BIG DEALOUT OF A 90th BIRTHDAY PARTY.

THEY BRING OUT A CAKE.

DON'T BRING OUT A CAKE.BRING A POUND OF COCAINE.

BE LIKE, "GO AHEAD, GRANDPA,PUT YOUR NOSE IN THAT.

"YOU'RE PROBABLYGONNA DIE TOMORROW

"FROM TRIPPING OVER A RUGAND BREAKING YOUR HIP.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO OUTWITH A BANG, SERIOUSLY."

AND NOBODY WANTS TO GOTO NURSING HOMES

TO VISITTHEIR GRANDPARENTS EVER.

BUT IF GRANDPA'S A TWEAKER...

THAT'S A PARTY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S EMBARRASSING WHEN GRANDMAPOOPS HER PANTS --

NOT IF SHE'S ON MUSHROOMS.

WHEN I'M 90, I'M DOING HEROIN.REALLY, I'M GONNA DO IT.

SERIOUSLY, I'M GONNA BE LIKE,"GO AHEAD, TAP A VEIN.

"THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

"YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHOOT ITRIGHT IN THE ONE IN MY FOREHEAD.

GO AHEAD."

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