Psychopath Test

  • Season 4, Ep 7
  • 06/02/2016

Amy appears on a terrible sitcom, plays a cute character in a phone commercial and compares birth plans with other moms-to-be.

Excuse me.

I think my internetbill's too low.

Too low?

That's asurprise.

My wife says I'mpretty unpredictable.

No, I meant asurprise sale.

With the Mobile Cfamily plan,

we'll give you a surprisediscount once a year

as a way of sayingthanks for making us

your 4G wirelesshotspot provider.

I didn'texpect that.



(bell ringing)Okay, fine.

Um, can we get a partin her bangs?

Just a partright there?

Hair?That was fun.

So, wha-what is thatexactly-- a hotspot?

It's like wifi?

Amy, great stuff.

Really great--so adorkable.

So awkward...I love it.

Steve, whois this guy...

(stammering)Who are you, Steve?

Uh, I think he's just,like, a normal guy.

Yeah, that's howyou're playing it.

That's the problem,Steve.

He's not anormal guy, you know?

It's not a normal day.

It's a special day.

See, he'smeeting Amy, right?

Mmm.The Mobile C girl.

Mmm.Look at her,she's beautiful.

How often does this guy getto talk to a girl like this?

Right, right,got it.Right?

Okay, great.Rolling.

So... because I havewifi in my apartment.

And action!

Excuse me, I think myinternet bill's too low.

Too low?

That's asurprise.

Well, my wife says I'mpretty unpredictable.

(man)Cut!(bell ringing)

What are you doing?

(Steve)Wh--You're flirting with her?

Well, you just saidshe was something else.

That take feltreally good to me.

Amy, you are perfect, you arean angel and I love you.

Can we fixthese bangs, please?

Does anybody here know what agoddamn bangs part looks like?

Steve, canI talk to you?


Have you seenthese commercials, Steve?

Be honest with me.

Mobile C commercials?Any of 'em.

Car commercials...Uh, insurance--

cell phones,prescription pills, whatever.Yeah, yeah.

In every one,you've got a girl, right?

A nice girl.

We like the girl,the girl is the company.

You can't flirt witha company, Steve.

You can't (bleep)the company.


You don't have a shot.

Okay, you justsaid she's sexy.

Not sexy--She's got an oxford shirt on.

She's beautiful.

Like a picture of your motherwhen she was a young woman.

And, you, you'reJohn Q. Dickhead

going into her storeto say hello.

And you're lucky she evengives you the time of day,

so you want tomake it last.

You makea little joke.

You share a little laugh,but the whole time

you're trying tohang onto that moment.

That moment where you, a grownman with no dick

and a child's hobbies getsto talk to the Mobile C girl

for a second beforeyou go back

to your useless,stupid (bleep) life.

Got it.

That's how people outthere see themselves, Steve.


Can't make eye contact.

They sit at home going click,click, click, click, click,

well, I'll guessI'll go to the store

and buy a mobile hotspot for thewifi router in my porn dungeon,

because I letmy life come to this.



Oh, so it'sa router.


Excuse, I think my, uh,internet bill is too low.

Too low?

That's asurprise.

My wife says I'mpretty unpredictable.

(man)Okay, we're gonna cut tothe wife here, Steve,

so can Ijust see a hate her.

Can I just see a hateyour wife's guts.

You hate your family,but you love Mobile C.

You love Mobile C

because it's a girlwho's being nice to you.

Your family is trash, butthe phone company is a girl

who gets you and littleshrug back to Amy perfect.

No, I meant a surprise sale,you silly, wonderful man.

Mobile C will giveyou a surprise

as a way ofsaying thanks.

(man)That's it, Steve--That's the spot.

Guy on the edge.

Nothingto live for.

He's thinking of burningit all to the ground

with a rifle he boughton the Mexican Internet

until holy shit,this sweet woman

gives him10 seconds reprieve

from his ownscreaming mind.

So maybe the reckoning can waitfor another day, huh, Steve?

That's who'swatching TV, Steve.

People onthe (bleep) brink.

Mobile C saves the day

and awkward... keepit fun... very cute.

Bangs are perfectand rolling!

It's our wayof saying thanks.

Didn't expect that.


What the (bleep)is this?


(man)Perfect matches is filmedbefore a live studio audience.

(newscaster) Tonight on the 7:15news, is your husband cheatingon you

with a hotter woman?

Wait, what?


(cheering and applause)

Are you cheatingon me?


The GirlScouts are comin'.

So?So, I owe 'em $2,000.


(woman)Hello,anyone there?

Oh my God.

They got inthe back door.


Here...Hide under this.


When's lunch?


It's just Amy.

I thought you werea Girl Scout.


Going sailing?


Actually, I'm about to gotake care of some business.


I'm terrified.

I think Ralphie'scheating on me.

With what,a doughnut hole?

(slight laughter)


(whooping and whistling)

Don't you knock?

We don't knock.

The postmanalways rings twice.


You lookvery nice, Amy.

I like your haircut.

(audience "ooooh"ing)

Aren't you just supposedto deliver the mail

and not pickup lines?

Come on.

When are you goingto let me take you out?


(cheering and clapping)

Your breath's alreadydoing it from there.

(a few laughs)




Anybody see Candy?

Ralphie, every dayof his life.

Hey, uh, ease upon the fat jokes.

That's myscripted line.

You're blowingthis.

Hey, arethose new jeans?

I like 'em.

Oh, yeah...Thanks.

Is there a mirrorin your pocket,

because I sure cansee myself in 'em.

(one man clears throat)

'Cause that would mean thatwe would have had sex.

(man)We heard you.

(Bonnie)No one is evenlistening to me.

I think Ralphie'sseeing someone else.


Well, we know it'snot his feet.


What the (bleep) isgoing on today?

(hooting, toilet flushing)

Hey, everybody, I just took ahuge dump 'cause I'm so fat.

(loud laughing)

Ralphie, you'renot that fat.

For a sperm whale.



No, every joke is that he'sso fat and you guys love it.

(booing)No, no, (bleep) you.

What-- no.

This show isnot funny.

It's disgusting.

It's a horrible depictionof an Indian man, first of all.

When is lunch?

(uproarious laughter)


You're all(bleep) sheep.

These jokes aren'tfunny.

You're just used to therhythms and laughing at them!

No!(crowd chanting)

Where are youtaking me?

(cheering and clapping)

(screaming, gun fires)


You lookdifferent.

Yeah, you know,I feel different.


Honey, I'vegot terrible news.

(gasping)Are youcheating on me?

No, the toilet'sbroken.


I was so scared,jinga-binga-boom.

You got nothing tobow-wawow-wowow.(laughing)







When's lunch?

(cheering, music playing)

(cheering grows louder)

(machine winding down)