Airplane Showdown

  • Season 5, Ep 2
  • 07/15/2015

An airline passenger has a standoff with a flight attendant, Shaboots and T-Ray deliver a lecture on women's periods, and a prayer group receives a visit from God.

(male announcer)Joey Bluntsin the m-m-m-morning.

Yo, Joey Blunts here,101.2.

[all talking at once]

Yo, hey,everybody, man.

We still trippingon that last--

[all talking at once]

- That was crazy!- Wardrobe malfunction.

[laughs]

Y'all are crazy.I can't tell you no more.

Like, all dirty,but she's crazy.

- Would you do that, Meatball?- Look, man...

I grew upin the hood, all right?

So no.

[laughter]

No, he would want to,but he can't do it

'cause of that fat ass.

[laughs]

Why y'all alwaysclowning on Meatball?

Meatball!

You brought it up.

For real, though.

You're a lesser person.

Y'all you twogot to stop playing.

Meatball!

Lady J with me here,Meatball.

Meatball.

This the top of the hour.I'm Joey Blunts.

We'll be right back.

- Meatball.- Whoo!

[indistinct talking over radio]

(man)And back from commercial.

(announcer)KBeat 101.3.

[all screaming]

Meatball, Meatball!

[haunting Western music]

(Mark)He's disgusting.

Bernard?He's disgusting.

He's not even like her.

He's an airplane technician.I mean, come on.

And he talks too much.That's why I like you.

You don't talk.You just listen.

- It's good.[bell dings]

Okay.

And the captain has turned onthe "fasten seat belt" sign.

Got a little turbulencecoming up.

Should be no problem.

Just remain in your seatuntil the sign is turned off.

Thank youfor your cooperation.

Okay.

Excuse me.I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Hi, excuse me.

- Yeah?- Yeah.

I'm gonna need youto take your seat.

The "fasten seat belt"sign is on.

Yeah, I'm just gonna goto the bathroom for a second.

I'll beright back, okay?

I understandwhat you want to do.

Unfortunately,I'm gonna need you

to observethe "fasten seat belt" sign.

That'd bemuch appreciated.

Right, it's justI read on the Internet

that it's notagainst the law

for me to goto the bathroom

while the "fasten seat belt"sign is on, so...

"Seat belt" signis on.

But is itagainst the law, though?

The light is on.

[inhales sharply]

Is it against the law?

You seethat there's a picture

of a seat belton that sign.

I know, but is itagainst the law, though?

The "fasten seat belt" signis on.

But is it againstthe law, though?

- "Seat belt" sign is on.- But is it against the law?

- But is it against the law?- "Seat belt" sign.

- But is it against the law?- It's on.

- Law.- "Seat belt" sign is on.

- Legal.- "Seat belt" sign is on.

- Lawful.- "Seat belt" sign is on.

- Sir, you're being difficult.- Law.

- You're being very difficult.- Law, law, law.

- Seat belt, seat belt.- Not illegal, not illegal.

- Okay.- Legal.

- Fasten--- Legal.

- Fasten your seat--- Legal.

- Sir.- I have to piss.

And I have to shitin the toilet.

Can you loweryour voice?

[whispering]I have to piss,and I have to shit.

Okay, loweryour intensity.

You're louderthan me.

You're yellingin my face.

Sir, you're the one who I thinkneeds to tone it down right now.

You arescreaming at me.

[whispering]You're hurting my eardrums.

[mouthing words]

[mouthing words]

That wasn'ta word.

You're not sayinga word there.

This is a word.

- That's not--- That's a word.

That's not a word.That's a tongue trick.

Okay, sir.Sir, sir.

If you would like--

I would not like to.

I would not liketo sit down.

What I'd like to do is gotake a shit in the bathroom...

because it's not

against the law.

So I'm gonna goto the bathroom, okay?

Mark with a K.

[tense music]

[people scream]

[people screaming]

[dramatic choral music]

[people screaming]

[people screaming]

[exhales deeply]

[bell dings]

And your captain has turned offthe "fasten seat belt" sign.

Feel free to movearound the cabin.

Thank youfor your cooperation.

[dark music]

[whimsical music]

[blows raspberry]

[coins jingle]

ding!

Wow.

Good to see you,old boy.

- Yes.- How was Kenya?

I love Kenya.Absolutely adore the place.

You know,it's so important

to protect them,you know...

Indeed.

The few untouchedtribes left.

- Indeed.- Yes.

And while we'reon the subject,

I've got somethingof a confession to make.

Oh, dear.

While I was down there,I caught the attention

of a young Masai woman.

You didn't.

She took mefor an exotic,

sophisticated supermanof sorts

and developed somethingof a liking to me.

Well, isn't thatalways the way?

Yes, it is.

And it's quite awful,Gerald.

She came down to my hut

wearing nothingbut a fertility headdress

and carryinga husband stick,

and, oh, I had to participatein the customs.

Well, it would bemorally irresponsible

if you did not participatein the custom.

You could destroytheir entire social structure.

Oh, I felt so terribleabout it.

Of courseyou did, Gerald.

- I felt terrible seven times.- Oh, dreadful.

But, you know, Gerald,I, too, have a confession.

Do tell.

Remember several years agowhen I went to the Amazon?

- Yes.- Yes.

Well, I accidentally packeda lighter in my satchel.

Oh, my.

Yes, well, one day,I absent-mindedly lit the flint,

and the entire villagetook me for a god.

- Oh, no.- Yes.

Every sundown,as I was being fellated

by all the young womenof the village,

which is the local custom,

I felt completely embarrassedby the entire affair.

I can only imaginein some vivid detail,

but you can't denythe local custom.

You absolutely cannot denythe local customs.

(both)You can't denythe local customs.

One thing you must dois adhere to the local customs.

[muttering]

You must adhereto the local customs.

[both muttering]

[muttering]You must adhereto the local customs.

Local customsmust not be denied!

It's, oh, the leastone can do.

It all reminds me of the timeI was in Papua New Guinea

and I introduced the local tribeto the French term

ménage à trois.

After that evening,a couple of the local men

called me "Papua."

Oh, dear.

Whoops-a-daisy!

[imitates explosion]

Whoops-a-daisy,indeed.

It's getting harder and harderto protect the local tribes

from the influenceof the outside civilizations.

I know exactly what you mean,old boy, exactly,

and I must confessthat the last time

I was deep in the bushin Australia...

Yes?

I ended up deep in bushin Australia.

Boo-yah.

Well, where are youoff to now, old boy?

I'm off to Tanzania.

Tanzania--make surethat you go during an eclipse,

because then everyonewill want to have sex with you.

(both)Mm.

Hmm.

[chuckles]

(both)Regrettably.

[both muttering, humming]

[bright music]

[applause]

What if we told y'allthat once a month,

half the human raceis in pain?

And the other half

don't want to hear shitabout it?

- I'm Shaboots Michaels!- I'm T-Ray Tombstone!

Welcome to...

(both)Menstruation Orientation!

Oh, no,you don't.

Now, we know you don't wantto hear about it.

But they don'twant to have it,

so sit your ass down and listenfor once in your life.

Today we're gonna talkto all you men

about what happens to your womenwhen they're on their periods

and whyit's important to...

(both)Be sensitive to that shit.

Don't say "chillax," "relax,""calm down," and "how come?"

Don't say "ass," "fat,""grumpy," or "cranky."

They ain't cranky.

They got blood comingout of their vaginas, y'all!

That's some biblicalplague shit, y'all!

That would be likeonce a month

if you had locusts flyingout of your dick for a week!

Your asswouldn't be cranky.

Your asswould be like...

- Oh, fuck![both screaming]

- My dick![screaming continues]

(both)So be nice to your bitcheswhen they bleeding!

If you ain'tgetting 'em shit...

Get the fuckout they way!

- They got cramps!- They got headaches.

They got weight gain!

And every timethey pee,

it's like The Shiningin the toilet.

- Be supportive.- Be empathetic.

But whatever you do...

(both)Do not try to solve it!

Don't even bringthat shit up!

When women behanging out together,

their periodswill sync up.

Vaginasbe communicating.

They got their ownvagina language.

(both)Talking about...

[both speaking gibberish]

If you find yourselfaround a group of women

and they all havea backache...

(both)Back away slowly.

What's that in your pocketthere, Shaboots?

Recognize this,motherfuckers?

That ain'tspace dynamite.

That's a tampon.

Learn what your bitchhas to go through.

First, you putthis piece in your vagina!

Oop.

Then you push this partinto the first piece!

Gweeps

Then you throwthis part away!

Do that several timesa day for a week

every goddamn month!

It's the worst thing everall the time!

It's much worse for them

than it is for youto hear about it.

And periodsis important.

That's how the bodygets rid of the old egg

so it can cook upthem new ones.

So listen to what'sgoing on with your female

emotionally and...

(both)Get your bitchsome chocolate!

Don't call hera bitch, but...

(both)Get your bitchsome chocolate!

[both singing]

♪ Chocolate, chocolate,chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ Chocolate, chocolate,chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ Chocolate, chocolate,chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ Chocolate, chocolate,chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ Chocolate, chocolate,chocolate, chocolate ♪

♪ Chocolate

There's no waythat he can win.

No, mm-mm, no.

So, anyway, what did you thinkof the season finale

of Game of Thrones?

- [gasps]- Right?

- That was--- No, no, no.

I'm readingthe books.

Oh, sorry, sorry,sorry, sorry.

And he reads slow.

[laughter]

We can nevertalk about it.

We're nevergonna talk about it.

Okay.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.- Uh-huh.

Hey, has anybody seenthat new Russell Crowe thriller?

'Cause let me tell--

Ah, ah, ah!

Ah.

Sorry, it's just

we're going tomorrow,and I don't want to know

a thing about it.

Doesn't wantto know a thing.

- Got you. Okay, all right.- Sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.That is--

How--who won the game?

- I think--- N-n-n-n-n-n-n.

That--I'm--I'm gonna watch it later.

- Oh, you're--- Oh, you have a DVR.

- I got it--- Sorry, okay.

Mum's the word.

- Yeah.- So...

- So...- Yeah.

What's the weathergonna be like this--

[squawking]

[dog barking in the distance]

Sorry.It's, uh...

[sighs]

We're havinga barbecue this weekend,

and I don't want to stressabout the weather.

- No, of course you don't.- We just--Yeah.

Yeah.You know, yeah.

[clears throat]

This three-beancasserole is--

[scatting]

I'm so sorry, babe.I just--

- I hadn't tasted them yet.- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.- Really looking forward to it.

You know?

Don't talk aboutthe ingredients, I know.

It's a surprisefor your mouth.

- Yeah.- Really.

Oh, uh...

[laughs]

You know thatcommercial with--

Okay, never--

Oh.

[laughs]

[laughing]Okay.

(woman)Never mind.

That's probably best.

- Yeah.- [clears throat]

Oh.

No, it's fine.

- Cheesecake.- [gasps]

- What?- Huh?

We got cheesecake.

- I mean...- Oh, yeah.

No, I'd lovesome cheesecake.

- Yeah.- Let's do that.

- Yeah.- Yeah.

All right,what the hell?

- Okay, cheesecake.- Cheesecake.

I mean, I've been watchingmy cholesterol intake,

but what the hell, right?

We're all gonna diesomeday anyway.

- What?- Honey.

- Wow.- Come on.

Are youkidding me?

You just ruin itevery time!

I'll see youat home.

- But wait a second.- So rude!

Now, how would you not knowthat that was taking place?

Father, please hear our prayerfor the poor.

Thank you, Father.Yes.

We beseech Youfor the disenfranchised,

the less fortunate,and those that suffer.

Yes.

Show us Your willso we can continue

to do Your work.

(both)Yes.

[overlapping voices] I've cometo answer your prayers.

Listen carefullyto my instructions.

Oh, God.Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I want you to sendeverything you own...

immediatelyin service to the poor.

[bright choral music]

Just want to clarify.Um...

everything?

[overlapping voices]Yes, rid yourself

of all earthly possessions.

Oh, shit!This house is haunted!

[screams]

It's a ghost!

(man)It's a haunted house!

Go, go, go,go, go!

It's Insidious.

[overlapping voices]Oh.

I seewhat they did there.