Mayor Hernandez

  • Season 5, Ep 4
  • 02/06/2008

Reno's Mayor Hernandez asks the Sheriff's Department for help, and the deputies must decide whether to uphold the law or uphold local government.

KIND OF JUST FOR A GOOF.

UH, FOR THE LASTCOUPLE OF YEARS,

I'VE BEEN DOING KINDOF A GASLIGHT NUMBERON TRUDY WIEGEL,

MAKING HER THINKSHE'S EVEN CRAZIERTHAN SHE ALREADY IS.

UH, AND THE LATEST THINGI'VE BEEN DOING IS, UH,

LATELY I'VE BEENTELLING HER,

"OH, YOU KNOW HOWTHE SHOWERS AREHAUNTED, RIGHT?"

AND SHE'S REALLYSTARTING TO BUY IT.

SHE'S ON HER WAY DOWNTO TAKE A SHOWER.

I'M GOING TO DO THE OLD"HEY, GHOST OF THE SHOWER."

WE'LL GET HER GOOD.

HOW'S IT LOOK?

GOOD?

[TRUDY WHISTLING]

OH, HEY, JOE. WHAT ARE YOUDOING IN THE GALS' SHOWERS?

YOU WANT TOSEE ME SHOWER UP?

[MOANING]AAH!

AAH, MOTHER[BLEEP]!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

FOR ABOUT, UH, 6 MILES.

OBVIOUS D.U.I.

SWERVING ALL OVERTHE PLACE.

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]SIR?

SIR?

MISS?

HOW YOU DOING TONIGHT, MA'AM?HOW YOU DOING TONIGHT?

CAN YOU ROLL THE WINDOWDOWN?

I'M STUCK!ARE YOU TRYING--

DID YOU HAVE ANYDRUGS OR ALCOHOLTONIGHT, MA'AM?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

YES, YOU CAN,BECAUSE I CAN HEAR YOU.

SO YOU CAN OBVIOUSLYHEAR ME.

NO, I CAN'T.

TRAVIS? IT'S, UH,BUNNY HERNANDEZ.

[DOOR DINGING]

SHUT UP!THAT'S THEMAYOR'S WIFE.

IT'S THE MAYOR'S WIFE.

AH, [BLEEP].

OK, YOU GOOD?YOU GOOD?

WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?

YOU THINK YOU CAN DRIVE?

ARE YOU MY HUSBAND?

NO, NO, NO.MRS. HERNANDEZ--

THAT'S OK.MRS. HERNANDEZ--

SHE'S FULL OF FUN.

I GOTTA GOTO TAHOE.

UH...[BLEEP]

WHOA!UNH! [BLEEP]

BUNNY? YOU'REMARRIED TO A VERYPOWERFUL MAN.

VERY POWERFUL.HE STINKS.

HE IS OUR BOSS.HE'S A MEXICAN.

HE IS A LATINOGENTLEMAN,

BUT HE IS STILLOUR BOSS.

YOU CAME UPA LONG WAY.YEAH.

REMEMBER, BUNNY,WHO USED TO DO

THE AMATEUR--YEP.YEAH.

YEAH, THOSE THINGS?THAT WAS REAL GOOD.

YOU DON'T HAVETO DO THAT ANYMORE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.YOU GOT A REAL NICE HOUSE,

YOU ARE LIKE--GOT A NICE, NEW CADILLAC,

I GOT A BABY COMING.

THEY KEYS WENT UPHER BOTTOM CRACK.

LET'S JUST LEAVE HER HERE.OH, YEAH!

I GOTTA TAKE A PISS.

NO--OK.

SHE'S POOPIN'.

OH, I'M MAKINGA MESS.

TAKE--TAKE YOUR BRIT--YOUR DRAWERS OFF.

NO RUSH.DID YOU TAKE YOUR PANTIES OFF?

I DON'T KNOW.NOT WEARING ANY.

OK.ALL RIGHT.

I GOTTA GO.

WE'RE JUST GONNAESCORT YOU TO TAHOE.

OW!OH, CRAP.

IT'S ONLY ABOUT6 MILES.

OK, IN WE GO.OK.

IN WE GO,IN WE GO.

NOW, BUNNY--

BUNNY?

HEY, BUNNY?A NICE LADY DOESN'T[BLEEP] HERSELF

IN THE BACK SEAT.

BUNNY?WHERE AM I?

WOULD PRINCESS DIANABE [BLEEP] HERSELF

IN THE BACK SEAT?NO.

AND YOU'RE OURPRINCESS DI.

NO, NO, NO.

WHAT?

UH...3 GUESSES.

UH, APPLE,ORANGE, GRAPES.[LAUGHS]

UM, I DON'TUNDERSTAND.

WRONG, WRONG, AND WRONG.

YOU GOING TO AUDITION?[LAUGHS] YOU GUYS--

NO, YOU'RE--THISIS ONLY FOR WOMEN--WOMEN AND YOUNG GIRLS.

AND--AND YOU'RE DOINGTHIS AS A SERVICETO THE--THE COMMUNITY?

YEAH, JUST HOLDINGAUDITIONS, YOU KNOW?

WE--IT'S BEEN--IT'SBEEN A FEW--A FEWDAYS OF AUDITIONING,

BUT WHEN WE GET--WHEN I GET MY--MY--

HOW LONG YOU BEENHOLDING AUDITIONSTHERE, STU?

I DON'T EVEN--I DON'T KEEP TRACKBECAUSE THIS IS ART.

ART ISN'TA SCIENCE, YOU KNOW?

27 MONTHS.YEAH,AROUND THERE.

THAT WOULD BE 2--A LITTLE OVER2 YEARS.

27 CALLS FOR--FOR A WHILE,

BUT THIS LAST ONEWAS JUST ABOUT A GIRLTHAT ALL YOU DID

WAS--WAS STRETCH HER OUT.

WELL, YES. THAT IS--BALLET IS--

NO, DON'T, DON'T--DON'T EVEN--

DON'T--DON'T DO THAT.BALLET IS--

DON'T FILM THAT.

BALLET IS99% LIMBERNESS.

WHAT'S THE OTHERPERCENT?

FLAIR.

AW, [BLEEP]

HEY, IS THIS WHERE THE NUTCRACKER AUDITIONS IS AT?

UM...YES.

"AUDITIONSFOR NUTCRACKER SUITE,

"3600 TELFAIR--"YEAH.

"COME READY TO MOVE--"YES.

"PARTIAL NUDITY REQUIRED."

YEAH. YEAH.YEAH.

AW, MAN.WHOA, WHOA!

DAMN.

[WHISPERS]I'm not--I'm notreally dead.

Y'all be cool.Just be cool,

and just play along with this, OK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?No, listen, listen.

I've been playing possumfor about an hourand a half now.

I took this, um--

these male enhancement,you know,

these--these things.You know--

you know, to get your--your business going?

And, you know,I did that dumb thing

where I was like,"Oh, I'll just take 10."

And then I was like,"Oh, man! You payby the hour here."

So, I finished.I got, like,9 more hours.

And my--my member--

my memberis at full mast,

you know whatI'm saying?And I can't get up.

So I just thoughtI'd play dead.

YOU CAN'T JUST BE DEADFOR A LITTLE BIT.IF YOU WANNA BE--

I've been deadfor an hour--

YOU'D BETTER BE PREPAREDTO BE REAL DEAD.

NOW, YOU CAN WALK.Now, wait a minute.

I asked politelyfor you to workwith my ruse.

Just--just--

just pretendto resurrect me,

and I'll just crawlout of here.

Start coughing.

Do that 5 more times,and I'll--

START COUGHING.[COUGHS]

OH! WELL, YES!WHOA!

Woman: THANKS![SOBBING]

HE'S GONNA BEALL RIGHT, LADIES.

I THOUGHT I WASDEAD!

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD!

THAT'S OK.OH, THANK YOU!

HE'S JUST STILLA LITTLE STIFF, I THINK,

FROM BEING UNCONSCIOUSFOR SO LONG.

OH, THANK YOU.

I'M ALIVE!

I'M ALIVE!IT'S A MIRACLE.

OH, YOU'RE RUBBING--YOU'RE RUBBING AGAINST--

THE TIP'S RUBBING!

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