Wednesday, June 18, 2014

  • 06/18/2014

Michaela Watkins, Michael Showalter and David Wain of "They Came Together" list #BadBeatlesSongs, create awful Twitter bios and write inner monologues for postcoital couples.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( APPLAUSE )IN WHAT IS PROBABLY A SAD DAY

FOR OLD WHITE FOOTBALL-LOVINGRACISTS EVERYWHERE, THE U.S.

PATENT OFFICE HAS REVOKED THEWASHINGTON REDSKINS TRADEMARK

UNDER THE GROUNDS IT IS"DISPARAGING TO NATIVE

AMERICANS," END QUOTE.

SECOND QUOTE "NO ( BLEEP )."THIS OF COURSE IS A BLOW

TO REDSKINS TEAM OWNER, DANSCHNEIDER.

THERE HE IS, ABOUT TO PISS ONA CHAIR, I THINK. I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE. OR ABOUTTO JERK OFF TO THE TEAM PHOTO.

THIS IS TO PROVE THAT HE'S RICHAND DOESN'T GIVE A ( BLEEP ).

THIS BY THE WAY HAS BEEN ON THETOP TRENDING TOPICS ON TWITTER.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING #NEWREDSKINSNAME MEMES

GOT THE MOST FAVORITES?

A. THE WASHINGTON PIG POOPBALLS. I'M A TESTICULAR VEGAN,

I DON'T EAT ANYTHING THAT CAN( BLEEP ) ON ITS OWN BALLS.

B. THE WASHINGTON ROB FORDS.

C. THE WASHINGTON REDSHIRTS.

THEY'RE GOING TO DIE FIRST. THATWOULD BE A TERRIBLE MASCOT.

MICHAELA?

>> BIG POOP BALLS.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S FIND OUT!

THE WASHINGTON REDSHIRTS.

COMEDIANS, LET'S HELP OUT DANSNYDER.

WHAT WOULD YOU RENAME THEWASHINGTON REDSKINS? MICHAELA

>> THE WASHINGTON-- WHAT'S MYTEAM'S NAME?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I HAVE SO MUCH HEAD TRAUMA.

>> POINTS, WHAT'S YOURS DAVIDWAIN?

>> THE WASHINGTON CLEVELANDINDIANS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> POINTS, THAT WAS REALLY FUN.

THERE'S A NEW PRODUCT FOR ALLTHE GUYS OUT THERE WHO WANT TO

LOOK LIKE THEY FELL ASLEEP INTHE SUN AT 3 P.M. WITH A BONER

I GIVE YOU ASYMMETRICAL MANTHONGS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )HOW DOES THAT STAY UP?

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE IN THE COLDWATER.

THIS TRAVESTY OF MODERN SCIENCEHAS QUICKLY MADE HEADLINES ALL

OVER SOCIAL MEDIA SINCE BEINGUNTUCKED ON AMAZON.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> THAT REALLY BRINGS OUT THENIPPLES, DOESN'T IT?

( LAUGHTER )>> CAN I SAY, THOUGH, WHEN I

POSED FOR THAT PHOTO-->> OH, YES.

( LAUGHTER )YEAH. YES?

>> WELL, TO BE-- TO BE HONESTI'M ACTUALLY SURPRISED THEY

DON'T CALL IT THE SHOWALTER.

>> IT SAVES YOU THE HASSLE OFSHAVING THAT ONE SIDE.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

IF YOU WANT THE OFF-THE-SHOULDERLOOK FOR YOUR DONG.

THIS IS EVENING DONG-WEAR.

IF THIS DOESN'T SAVE THE GREEKECONOMY I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING PRODUCTSDID CUSTOMERS WHO BOUGHT THIS

ITEM ON AMAZON ALSO BUY?

A. ADULT SEQUIN MERMAID COSTUME.THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A TAIL.

B. RYAN'S SECRETS LOVE DOLL. NOTRYAN SECREST.

>> WOW.

WOW.

YOU WANNA MAKE SURE ANDLOOK DOWN HERE --

NOT SEEN ON TV, IT SAYS.

NOT SEEN ON TV.

C. "MAMA'S FAMILY" SEASON 2 ONDVD.

WHAT DID PEOPLE ALSO BUY, DAVIDWAIN?

>> I'VE GOT TO GO WITH RYAN'SSECRETS LOVE DOLL SIX PACK.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

I KNOW WE WOULD LIKE TO GO FORTHAT IN LIFE JUST IN GENERAL,

BUT THE ODD, CORRECT ANSWER IS"MAMA'S FAMILY" SEASON 2 ON DVD.

>> I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

COMEDIANS, FOR BONUS POINTS,GIVE ME A TAGLINE TO HELP SELL

THIS PRODUCT.

>> ( BLEEP ) YOU, DAD.

( APPLAUSE )>> YES!

NORMALLY THE WORDS KARDASHIANAND VIDEO GAME ARE AS FAR AWAY

FROM EACH OTHER "KARDASHIAN"AND "TALENTED."

HOWEVER, TODAY WE GOT A SNEAKPEAK OF THE NEW VIDEO GAME

"KIM KARDASHIAN: HOLLYWOOD"LAUNCHES NEXT WEEK.

IT'S LIKE FARMVILLE FOR PEOPLEWHO WATCH E!

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING ISSOMETHING THE GAME ALLOWS YOU TO

DO WITH KIM?

A. HELP HER PICK OUT AN OUTFITAT CLOSING TIME AND THEN NOT

CHARGE HER FOR IT.

B. MARRY HER IN A LAVISHTELEVISED CEREMONY, THEN FIND

YOUR STUFF IN BOXES WHEN YOURETURN FROM THE HONEYMOON.

C. BERATE A SCIENTIST FOR MAKINGHER PERFUME SMELL LIKE THE POOR.

>> MIKE.

>> MARRY HER IN A LAVISHTELEVISED CEREMONY, THEN FIND

YOUR STUFF IN BOXES WHEN YOURETURN FROM THE HONEYMOON.

LET'S FIND OUT. >> NO.

HELP HER PICK OUT AN OUTFIT ATCLOSING TIME AND THEN NOT CHARGE

HER FOR IT. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> IT'S KIND OF SHORT NOTICE,BUT WANNA COME?

( APPLAUSE )>> I KIND OF FEEL LIKE SHE SAYS

THAT A LOT.

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

( APPLAUSE )TODAY WAS PAUL MCCARTNEY'S

BIRTHDAY.

THE LEGENDARY BEATLE TURNED 72TODAY.

SO WE HAVE TO HONOR HIM BYRUINING SOME OF HIS BEST WORK.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#BADBEATLESSONGS.

>> OH!

>> WHAT!

EXAMPLES WOULD BE: YELP!, OR

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH UNMANNEDDRONES, OR

NORWEGIAN MORNING WOOD (THISBIRD HAS GROWN).

SO HERE'S MY ASYMMETRICAL DONGTHONG.

>> OCTOPUSES OLIVE GARDEN.

>> YES, POINTS. MIKE.

>> I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAM.

YEAH, SURE, POINTS. DAVID.

>> YESTERDAY-- NO MAYBE-- NO, ITWAS YESTERDAY.

>> OKAY, GOOD. POINTS.

>> MICHAELA.

>> I GOT TO GET YOU INTO MYTRUNK.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> WELL WHILE MY CLEANING WOMANGENTLY WEEPS.

>> MICHAELA.

>> GOOD DAY, SUNSHINE-- I SAID,GOOD DAY!

>> POINTS. SHOWALTER.

>> LUCY IN THE SKY WITH ALMONDZ.

>> DAVID WAIN?

>> SHOUT AND TWIST.

>> YES!

YES, POINTS, I'LL GIVE I THAT,

"VOYEUR CONSIDERATION"

>> YES!

( APPLAUSE )A FEW MONTHS AGO, WE THOUGHT WE

HAD FINALLY REACHED THE END OFTIMES, WHEN WE BROUGHT YOU THE

LATEST TREND INVOLVINGMILLENNIALS OVER-SHARING ON

SOCIAL MEDI-- AFTER-SEX SELFIES.

WELL, IT TURNS OUT THE EARTH ISSTILL SPINNING.

PEOPLE ARE STILL INSTAGRAMMINGPOST-COITAL PICTURES OF

THEMSELVES, AND WE'RE STILLDISGUSTED.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUAN AFTER-SEX SELFIE OF A

POST-COITAL COUPLE, AND I WANTYOU TO GIVE ME THEIR INNER

MONOLOGUE, ALL RIGHT?

READY, THIS FIRST ONE.

LOOK AT THIS PIERCED PAIR.

WHAT ARE THEY SAYING TO EACHOTHER? DAVID WAIN.

>> YES, WE SHOULD GET BACK ONTHE FLOOR.

THOSE MACHIATOS AREN'T GOING TOMAKE THEMSELVES.

>> POINTS.

>> I WON'T TELL ANYONE YOU'REVERY TINY PENIS FIT INSIDE MY

EAR GAUGE HOLE.

>> POINTS. NEXT ONE, LOOK ATTHIS THREESOME.

YEAH.

MICHAELA?

>> HOW LONG DO YOU THINK BEFORETHEY FIGURE OUT I'M NOT IN ONE

DIRECTION?

>> POINTS.

MICHAEL.

>> I KNEW THIS CAMERA ATTACHEDTO THE HEAD OF MY PENIS WOULD

COME IN HANDY EVENTUALLY.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> BLOW-PRO>> OH, THAT'S A BLOW-PRO.

( APPLAUSE )POINTS.

>> OH, THAT'S A BLOW-PRO, OKAY.

>> YEAH, YEAH. DAVID WAIN.

I'VE GOTTEN SOME WEIRDCOMPLIMENTS, IS ALL I'M SAYING.

>> WOULDN'T BE BE MORE OF A PROBLOW?

>> THAT'S NOT HOW I HEARD IT.

>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GIVE OUT, YOUWHORE.

>> I DON'T GIVE THEM OUT.

>> YEAH?

>> I HAND THEM--( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )>> DAVID, WHAT'S YOURS?

>> MOM, AUNT NANCY, YOU GUYS ARETHE BEST.

>> OH JESUS.

"LOCAL MAN"

( APPLAUSE )AS WE ALL KNOW, LOCAL NEWS IS A

GODDAMN DISASTER. SOMEBODY ISASLEEP IS OBVIOUSLY ASLEEP

AT THE WHEEL OF THE GRAPHICSDEPARTMENT.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA SCREENGRAB OF A "LOCAL MAN"

THAT SOMEONE DEEMED RIDICULOUSENOUGH TO POST ONLINE, AND I

WANT YOU TELL ME WHAT TITLE HEWAS GIVEN BY THE NEWS.

FIRST UP, THIS DISGRUNTLED FELLAIS SHANE BENTLEY, AN INTOXICATED

GARBAGE DWELLER OR A SUSPICIOUSFISHERMAN.

SHOWALTER.

>> INTOXICATED GARBAGE DWELLER.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> HE IS A SUSPICIOUSFISHERMAN.

>> HERE'S MY ROBIN WILLIAMSIMPRESSION.

NEXT ONE, LOOK AT THIS GLOOMYGUS.

IS PHIL HOLT, RAW SEWAGE VICTIMOR BEECHUM COUNTY PERVERT.

YES, MICHAELA?

>> OH, HE'S TOTAL PERVE.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, HE'S A RAW SEWAGE VICTIM.

>> IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

>> POOR GUY.

>> I LOVE THE-- THE OTHERHEADING THERE, "ANIMAL, ARTS,

CELEBRITY, EROTIC."

THIS MARTIN MULL IMPERSONATOR( LAUGHTER )

>> THAT RIGHT THERE IS BILLMARGOLD.

IS BILL MARGOLD, A PORNOGRAPHYHISTORIAN, OR

IS HE ALLERGIC TO ICED TEA.

DAVID WAIN?

>> HE IS ALLERGIC TO ICED TEA.

WELL GODDAMN, LET'S FIND OUT.

HE'S A PORNOGRAPHY HISTORIAN.

( APPLAUSE )>> I THINK HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE

ALLERGIC TO ICED TEA.

YOU CAN SEE IN HIS MUSTACHE.

>> HE LOOKS LIKE WILFREDBRIMLEY.

>> OH, YES!

NEXT ONE.

THIS PERTURBED RESIDENTIS JEFF FOSTER, ANGRY WITH BRUCE

JENNER OR IS HE JUST TIRED OFBIRDS?

MICHAELA?

>> I THINK HE'S VERY TIRED OFBIRDS.

>> SO TIRED OF BIRDS.

LET'S FIND OUT.

HE'S SO TIRED OF BIRDS.

"BIOSHOCK"

THE NAME OF THIS GAME AND ONE OFMY FAVORITE VIDEO GAMES OF ALL

TIME. BUT THIS ISN'T THAT. THISIS A DIFFERENT GAME.

TWITTER IS SO FULL OF PEOPLE,SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO MAKE SNAP

JUDGMENTS ABOUT WHO TO FOLLOWBASED ON THE 140-CHARACTER BIO.

SOME REAL LAME TWITTER BIOS WEFOUND ARE:

"22 YEARS YOUNG, DOMINICAN, IEAT THE BOOTY."

AND "STRAIGHT UP JUGGALO.

YES, I' DOWN WITH THE CLOWN, BUTIM NOT A GANG MEMBER."

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO NAME ASMANY TWITTER BIO DEAL BREAKERS

A POSSIBLY CAN.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK ANDGO. DAVID WAIN.

>> ASK ME ABOUT MY PROLAPSEDRECTUM.

>> POINTS. MICHAELA.

>> CURING GAY SINCE 1997.>> DEFINTELY BAD. MIKE?

>> DICK PICK A DAY.

>> WELL WHY WOULD YOU FOLLOW ITOTHERWISE? DAVID WAIN?

>> I'M ON HERE TO MEET YOUNGPEOPLE.

>> POINTS.

MICHAELA?

>> REAL HOUSEWIFE-A-HOLLIC.

>> YES, POINTS.

DAVID WAIN.

>> SEGREGATION NOW.

SEGREGATION FOREVER.

>> YEAH, BAD BIO, POINTS.

MICHAELA.

>> BEST HUGGER AND PROUDSTEPDAD.

>> POINTS. SHOWALTER.

>> I FOLLOW BLACK.

MICHAEL IAN BLACK.

>> YES, YES, POINTS. DAVID WAIN?

>> CURRENTLY WORKING ON ASCREENPLAY.

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