RETURN OCTOBER 2014
Dillon Garcia thinks that chubby chasers should be renamed, Wil Sylvince had a good reason for flunking English, and Gabriel Iglesias shows a "Hey It's Fluffy!" cartoon.
We've been here in townfor a couple weeks now, man.
We, it got crazylast night, huh, Martin?
Aw, bro, it got out of control.
Bro, it's going good.
Let me tell you something:Me and Uli...
he's a party animal, bro.
Uli's crazy.Ozo knowshow to party.
MARTIN:Bro, we ended up
in some chick's housein Hialeah smoking weed.
We're gonna use his hornas a bowl, bro.
We're gonna use...
Weed is not legal in Florida,
but you guys haveto legalize it.
Seriously, you really do.
I'm-a tell you...
Because if you legalize it,
you guys will stop eating faces.
Trust me, you willstop eating faces
if you legalize weed.
Just saying, homey.
Hey, a little bath saltnever hurt nobody, man.
We got a chance to hita couple comedy clubs
to kind of warm up for the shows
and we did a show over in,uh, in Northern California,
at this comedy clubcalled The Punch Line.
Afterwards, we walk outside
and we go around the side of thebuilding and we started walking
down this flight of stairsand as we're walking down,
these two big guys turn thecorner and started walking up.
And I mean big.I'm a big guy, but damn!
And I say that and I was like,
"Martin, back up, back up,back up, back up, back up."
And Martin'sdrunk and brave.
"Bro, you look weak backing up."
I go, "Shut up, I look alive."
And the guys get to the top ofthe stairs and I'm thinking,
"Oh, they're goingto keep going."
But they don't,they get right in our face.
And as soon as the guygot right here,
in my mind I was alreadycancelling credit cards,
you know, I'm tryingto figure out
where there's an Apple Store.
I'm bracing myselffor what's about to happen.
And I close my eyes reallytight and then I open them
and this guy looksat me and he's like,
(lisping):"Oh, my God, it's Fluffy!"
Oh, he kept going.
"Look at you, you areso fluffy, you are so fluffy.
"Touch him, touch him,touch him.
"You're like a standingTempur-Pedic, yes, you are."
"This is my friend Charles,he's a huge fan.
"Tell him, Charles, tell him."
And then his buddy stepsup and he's like,
(deep, gruff voice):"Listen...
"I've been watching you
"for a long timeand I got to tell ya,
you are a really big hitin the bear community."
And I said, "Did youjust say I'm a big hit
in the bear community?"
And the other guy was like,"Yes, please don't be offended.
"He doesn't meanYogi or Boo Boo.
"A bear is actually a gay manwho is not, I repeat,
"not a little princess.
"He's not smalland tender and tiny.
"He's actually a big man,a burly man,
"a hairy man-- delicious, yes.
"Oh, my God, Fluffy,if you went the other way,
you could be a bear."
"we just want you to know youhave an alternative fan base
"you might not be aware of.
"We love you, we support you, wejust want you to acknowledge us
"and now that you knowthe truth,
"do you think we could steala hug?
I understand if that'snot okay because you know..."
I go, "Dude, I don't careif you're gay, bro,
I'm not homophobic."
I go, "Charles, you want a hug?"
And people are like, "Really,you would hug two big gay men?"
Shoot, a second ago,I thought they were killers.
You know, come to find outthey're cuddlers.
And I got no problemwith that, bro, you know.
So, he starts walkingtowards me and I reach out
and I grab his arm so I couldpull him in really good,
so I could give him a good hug.
I didn't want to give him like ascared little, soft tender hug.
First of all, I don't wantto make it tender, bro,
'cause, you know, I don't wanthim to think he has a chance.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't want to be like,you know, "Hi!"
And then he turns on me.
So, I pulled him in hard,hugged him hard.
Then he whispers in my ear,"Growl for me." Aah!
Oh, South Florida, it didsomething for my self-esteem
to know that I could maketheir day.
They're walking away from meand then they stop
and they yell out, "Fluffy!"
And I turn around and they gaveme this look like they just met
the person they've been waitingto meet their whole lives.
This look right here, I'll...
I couldn't help it.
I looked at them and I did this.
(imitates car engine)
South Florida,all the beautiful ladies.
How you guys doing?
Hey, boo boo, hey.
You guys chubbychasers or what?
'Cause no one is.
That's a stupid term.
I hate thatterm "chubby chasers."
It's so dumb.Doesn't make sense.
'Cause if you think about it,if you're a chubby chaser,
that means you'rechasing fat people.
You also need to understandthat fat people
aren't going anywhere.
Maybe you're a chubby finder.
Maybe a chubby convincer,I don't know.
You don't need to chase me,just find me, I'm right here.
A little bit about myself,I'm half-Mexican, half-white.
And so is my name.
My name is Dillon Garcia.
No, that sucks.That's really my name.
You don't do that.
That's like beansand coleslaw, like...
You don't put those together.
This is good.
Ah, I just went throughmy first really bad breakup.
First really badbreakup, it's okay.
Don't worry about it,no, it's okay, it's okay.
She's dead.I killed her, it's okay.
No, no, I love this girl.
I was with hersince high school, okay?
I gave her my lunch tickets,like, it was real.
It was real.
So, I started datingthis new girl.
It was a lot of funwith this new girl,
but at the beginning of therelationship, she tells me,
"You got to waitat least a month
before you get the cookie."
I was like,"All right, whatever."
So, I called hera month later...
I was, like...
It's the first.
Wake up, wake up, I don't...
I don't know, I don't knowwhat to say, it was weird.
So, we hooked up,we had sex and everything,
and after, after I was like,"Yo, that was fun and all,
"but where the hellis that cookie
you were talking about?"
but I always failed Englishand my dad would always get mad
'cause, you know,my dad came from Haiti.
He figured we shouldtake-take advantage of these
education opportunities and...b-but I was just bad in English.
And my dad wouldjust scream and get mad.
(with accent): "Why you,why you mess up English?
"Why your gradesso low like that?
"Why you, why you, why you,why you mess up your grade,
"your grade in Englishlike that?
"Why you do that?
"Your grade, they are so low,so low in the garbage.
"Why you, why you,why you do that?
Your grades so low?"
"Well, maybe 'causemy English at home
"ain't the same Englishas school.
That's why I do that."
You ever had your motherpoint with her mouth?
My mother used to pointwith her mouth, then get mad
when we couldn't figure out whatthe hell she was pointing at.
"Get my hat.
And my coat."
"Get my hat.
And my coat."
"Mom, there's six hatsand seven coats."
"Mom, take all of them.
I don't know which oneyou're talking about."
"Why you bring all that?
"I said that hatand that coat and you bring
all the hat, all the coat."
I will eat..."
She used to tell us this:
"I will, I will kill your face,your face finished."
"I'm-I'm five, Ma,what are you talking about?
I need my face, please,don't kill my face."
My mother used to take me
and my brothersChristmas shopping, right?
So, she could, we couldpick out our own toys,
so she didn't feel likeshe was wasting her money.
But she'll neverpick the toys we wanted.
Like, why don't you justgo by yourself, Mama?
You gonna pickyour own toys anyway.
She be like, "What, whatdo I pick at the...
what, what, what toy you want?"
"Mom, I want the He-Man doll."
"You cannot have that."
"What the hell wecome out here for then?"
Remember the He-Man doll?
Everybody remember the actionman where the arm turn around?
The leg go up and down,remember that?
Came with accessories.
I ain't get that, she got methe little green army men.
Army men, they didn't move,they stood still, like:
Or this guy right here.
(video game blipping)
How is it possibleI don't have a girlfriend?
I think it's 'cause girls aretoo dumb to appreciate me.
Nope.That's not why.
Oh, hey, Zirina.
Want to swimat the pool tomorrow?
like, just hanging out,or a date?
This is so wrong!
What's your problem, Martin?
I'm not eventhat into her.
Dude, sell me your date.
You don't want it, I do,let's make an arrangement.
That's dumb, sick,stupid and illegal.
And it disrespects women.
Besides, there's nothingyou got that I want.
Not even shaved ice withmy secret Martin sauce?
No! Especially not that.
Pleasure doing businesswith you.
(video game blipping)
Guess who has specialcheat codes
from the game designer?
Well, let me swimwith Zirina.
That's an indecentproposal, man.
I can't take the frustration!
Fine! I'm so weak.
Uh, hey, Zirina, you know,
I just rememberedthat I can't swim.
But Martin can,and if I was a girl,
I would totally like him.
I helped him beata video game,
and he let mehang out with you.
So you guys traded mefor video game cheat codes.
See? I told you she'dbe cool with it.
Actually, I'm flattered.
In fact, meet me back herein five minutes,
so I can find out whichof you players I like more.
Hmm, I wonder how she's gonnapick between the two of us.
Dude, she mustreally like us
to threaten us withdeath like this.
Totally! I wonderwhere she found
a giant millipedein Long Beach?
Pleasure doingbusiness with you.