Hollingshead, Papa, Bush,Sklar Brothers

  • 09/04/1998

REMEMBER LIKE,THE OLD BANDS ?

80s HEAVY-METAL BANDS,

THEY ALL SOUND THE SAME,LIKE MOTLEY CREW.

YOU KNOW WHATWAS THE BEST ?

GOING TO THOSE CONCERTS'CAUSE IT WAS ALWAYS

RIGHT BEFORE THE CONCERTWOULD EVEN START,

YOU HEAR THE CROWDGOING CRAZY,

YOU LOOK AROUND,YOU THINK THEY'RE COMING OUT

BUT IT'S REALLY JUST A FIGHTIN THE UPPER DECK.

IT WOULD ALWAYSCRACK ME UP

'CAUSE THERE WASALWAYS ONE GUY

THAT GETSHIS ASS KICKED.

WHICH IS BAD ENOUGH

BUT NOW YOU GOT EVERYONESCREAMING AND CHANTING.

"KICK HIS ASS !

KICK HISS ASS !"

THE GUYS LIKE...

( applause )

"KICK HIS ASS !"

"SHUT UP !"

"KICK HIS...

SHUT UP !"

THEN THIS POOR GUYGETS THROWN OUT

AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE...

"SHUT UP,ALL OF YOU, MAN !"

LOWERED EXPECTATIONS.

WHATEVER DREAMS YOU HAVE,HOPES YOU HAVE, GOALS,

LOWER THEM.

AND YOU CAN APPLY ITTO ANYTHING.

I USED TO WANT TOMEET A GUY THAT WAS KIND,

WARM, LOVING.

NOW I'M HAPPYIF THE GUY HAS EARS.

NOT THAT HE'LL LISTEN,BUT THAT HE CAN.

AND IT'S ROUGHBEING A WOMAN NOW.

I AM SO SICK OF THESE15-YEAR-OLD BRITISH MODELS,

THEIR LIPS WEIGHMORE THAN THEY DO !

THEY'RE NOW THE STANDARDOF AMERICAN BEAUTY.

THEY'RE ON BILLBOARDS,BUSES, MAGAZINES,

THEY'RE ALLLIKE THIS...

"HELLO, MY NAMEIS ANNA REXIA."

( applause )

AND THE ADS HAVE GOTTENPROGRESSIVELY MORE KINKY.

THEY SHOULD COME OUTWITH THE NEW CAMPAIGN.

"WELL, MY FATHERLOVED MY MOTHER

"BUT HE LOVED ME MORE.

"INCEST",BY CALVIN KLEIN."

YOU KNOW, FORTHE FAMILY VALUES

GET RID OFTHE HEROIN-CHIC.

AND MOST OF THE TIME

I FEEL WOMEN LOOK GOODFOR OTHER WOMEN.

WOMEN NOTICEEVERYTHING.

WE DO NOTMISS A TRICK.

WE NOTICE IF YOU GOTCALVIN KLEIN JEANS ON...

... A DKNY BELT.

GUYS AREN'T CONCERNEDWITH YOUR WEIGHT

AS MUCH AS THEY'RECONCERNED WITH HOW LONG

YOU'RE GONNAMAKE THEM WAIT !

( applause )

GUYS DON'T EVENREAD "VOGUE" MAGAZINE.

GUYS READ MAGAZINESLIKE "PLAYBOY" AND "PENTHOUSE"

AND "ESQUIRE" AND "JUGS"AND "HIGH SOCIETY"

AND "BIG BITE"AND "BARELY LEGAL".

( applause )

YOU HAVE ALL THESEWOMEN'S GROUPS

THAT ARE ALLPISSED OFF GOING,

"THIS IS SO SEXIST,PORNOGRAPHY'S GOTTA END."

BUT AS LONG ASTHERE'S NAKED WOMEN,

GUYS ARE ALWAYSGONNA BE LOOKING.

SO WHAT WE OUGHT TO DO ISCOME UP WITH A MAGAZINE

THAT WOULD DEPICT MENIN SUCH A WAY

THAT WOULD FINALLYEXCITE AND TURN WOMEN ON.

LIKE FIRST OF ALL,COME UP WITH A CATCHY TITLE.

CALL THE MAGAZINE"COMMITMENT".

WOULDN'T THATCATCH YOUR EYE ?

WITH A PICTURE OF A MANHOLDING A BABY,

LAUNDRY BY HIS SIDE,

GETTING READY TODO THE DISHES.

HANDS YOU DINNER...

AND THE CAPTIONWOULD READ

"IS THERE ANYTHING ELSEI CAN HELP YOU WITH ?"

OH, WE'D GO NUTS.

AND THE CENTERFOLD,

HE CAN BE LIKE SWEATINGAS HE'S IRONING YOUR CLOTHES

THAT HEBOUGHT YOU.

HE WOULDN'T HAVE TOBE IN SHAPE,

HE COULD BE BALDING,HAVE LOVE HANDLES.

HE'D BEBEAUTIFUL TO US.

THEN YOU NEED SOMEREALLY EXCITING ARTICLES

LIKE "I ALWAYS ASK HERFOR DIRECTIONS".

"I GAVE HERTHE REMOTE CONTROL

AND WE'VE BEENHAPPY EVER SINCE."

AND, "AFTER SEX,

"I NEED TO HOLD HERAND JUST TALK...

ABOUT HER FEELINGS."

I'VE HAD A LOT OFTIME TO THINK,

WATCH "ALLY McBEAL",EAT HAAGEN-DAZS

AND FIGURE IT OUT.

THE PROBLEM IS IT'S NOTTHE COMMUNICATION THING.

IT'S THE FACT THAT

WOMEN COMPLICATEAND ANALYZE EVERYTHING.

BUT THERE'SA REASON FOR THIS.

WE USE BOTH SIDESOF OUR BRAIN.

( applause )

MEN DO NOT READ INTO THINGSQUITE THE WAY WOMEN DO.

IT'S LIKE IF I ASK A GUY"SO WHAT DO YOU DO ?"

WHAT I REALLY MEAN ISI HOPE YOU'RE NOT UNEMPLOYED

LIKE THE LAST BASTARDI SUPPORTED

'CAUSE I'LL BEREAL PISSED OFF

AND THE RELATIONSHIPWILL FALL APART !

WHEN I A GUY ASKS HER"WHAT DO YOU DO ?"

WHAT HE MEANS IS"WILL YOUR CAREER

INTERFERE WITH MEHAVING SEX WITH YOU ?"

THAT'S IT.

WHEN I ASK A GUY,

"SO DO YOU GET ALONGWITH YOUR FAMILY ?"

WHAT I REALLY MEANIS DO YOU HATE YOUR MOTHER

'CAUSE IF YOU HATEYOUR MOTHER

THEN YOU'REGONNA HATE ME !

THEN I'M GONNAHATE MYSELF,

THEN I'M GONNA START STARVING MYSELF,

DYING MY HAIR,

AND THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP'SGONNA FALL APART.

WHEN A GUY ASKS "SO DO YOUGET ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY ?"

WHAT HE MEANS IS"WILL YOUR FAMILY

INTERFERE WITH MEHAVING SEX WITH YOU ?"

THAT'S IT.

WHEN I SAY TO A GUY,"LOOK, WE GOTTA TALK."

WHAT I REALLYMEAN IS

WE'VE BEEN TOGETHERFOR MONTHS.

I'VE TWISTED MY PERSONALITYINTO AN EMOTIONAL PRETZEL

TO ACCOMMODATEYOUR EVERY NEED.

I WANT TO KNOW YOUR IDEAOF COMMITMENT

VS. MY IDEAOF COMMITMENT.

ARE WE GETTING MARRIED ?ARE WE HAVING KIDS ?

ARE WE GOING TOCOUPLES COUNSELING ?

WHERE IS THIS RELATIONSHIP,GOING, I WANNA KNOW.

WHEN I GUY SAYS TO ME,"LOOK WE GOTTA TALK."

WHAT HE MEANS IS "I WANT TOHAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE,

AND WILL THIS INTERFEREWITH ME HAVING SEX WITH YOU ?"

YEAH, YEAH,GOOD, GOOD.

GOOD,I'M GOOD.

ACTUALLY I'MA LITTLE GASSY

IF YOU WANNAKNOW THE TRUTH.

IT'S OKAY,I EAT A LOT, I DO.

WE ALL DO, DON'T WE ?WE'RE A FAT COUNTRY, AREN'T WE ?

WE ARE.

EVERY ONE OF US, WE'REAMERICANS AND WE'RE FAT.

WE'RE OBSESSED WITH IT,YOU CAN'T BLAME US.

YOU CAN'T.

WE HAVE FOODEVERYWHERE.

WE HAVE MORE FOODIN OUR GAS STATIONS

THAN THEY HAVEIN ALL OF BOSNIA !

IT'S TRUE.

OUR MOTTO SHOULD BE"AMERICA, NEVER MORE THAN

50 FEETFROM A SNACK" !

YOU SEE THE SIZE OFOUR KIDS OUT THERE ?

PORKOS ROLLING AROUNDOUT THERE.

ALWAYS WITH A"HAPPY MEAL" TOO,

YOU NOTICE THAT ?

I WANT A "HAPPY MEAL",ENOUGH WITH THE HAPPY MEAL !

ASK A KID IN MEXICOWHAT A HAPPY MEAL IS,

"ONE THAT COMESWITH FOOD !"

IT'S NICE TO BE OUT,MY APARTMENT'S SO SMALL.

I LIVE IN THIS TEENY,TINY, WEENY APARTMENT.

IT'S SO SMALL.

I WOULD LIKETO GET A DOG.

I'M ACTUALLY THINKINGOF GETTING A DOG.

MY PARENTS ACTUALLY SAIDTO ME THE OTHER DAY,

"YOUR LITTLE CRAPPYAPARTMENT,

THAT'S A HORRIBLE,TERRIBLE PLACE FOR A DOG !"

YEAH, BUTI LIVE THERE.

AT LEAST A DOGDOESN'T HAVE TO SHAVE

IN THE TOILETLIKE I DO !

START OFF MY DAYTHE OTHER DAY

DROPPING A WHOLE BOXOF Q-TIPS.

YOU EVER DO THAT ?

OH, NOTHING LIKESTARTING YOUR DAY OFF

ON YOUR HANDS AND KNEESPICKING UP INDIVIDUAL Q-TIPS

ONE BY ONEFROM BEHIND THE TOILET

TO REMIND YOU HOWTRULY MORONIC YOU IS.

AND WHEN I DROPPED IT.

I ACTUALLYSAID "WHOOPS !",

ACTUALLY CAME OUT..."WHOOPS !"

WHOOPS COVERS ITIF YOU'RE DROPPING

STUPID STUFFLIKE Q-TIPS.

WHOOPS DOESN'T REALLYDO THE JOB

IF YOU'RE DROPPINGSTUFF LIKE BABIES.

I DON'T THINK THERE'SREALLY A WORD THAT COVERS IT

IF YOU'RE DROPPING BABIES,MAYBE HALF A WORD...

I DON'T DROP BABIES,I DON'T HOLD BABIES.

PLEASE, I'M NOT GONNAHOLD SOMEONE'S BABY.

I GET NERVOUS HOLDINGSOMEONE'S PLACE IN LINE.

I HAVE SEVEN NEPHEWSAND TWO NIECES.

MY TWO SISTERS IDEAOF BIRTH CONTROL

IS APPARENTLYA BOTTLE OF TEQUILA

AND THE RHYTHM METHODOF BARRY WHITE.

STRANGE THE WAYTHEY RAISE THEM TOO.

THEY'RE FREAKED OUT NOW,AREN'T THEY ?

EVERYONE'SSO FREAKY.

YOU SEE THESEFIVE-YEAR-OLD KIDS NOW

WALKING AROUNDWITH BEEPERS ?

LITTLE PAGERSON THEIR BELTS

SO THEIR MOMS CANGET IN TOUCH WITH THEM.

WHAT KIND OFCRAP IS THAT ?

YOU KNOW WHATMY BEEPER WAS ?

MY MOM THROWINGOPEN THE WINDOW,

"GET YOUR ASS HOME !"

YOU EVER NOTICE EVERY TIMEYOU TURN ON THE NEWS

THEY'RE ADDING TOTHE LIST OF STUFF

THAT WILL KILL US.

AND IT'S ALWAYS THE STUFFWE ENJOY, ISN'T IT ?

IT'S NEVER LIKE"LOOK OUT, BROCCOLI !"

FORGET THAT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNALIVE FOREVER

NO MATTER WHATYOU DO.

YOU MIGHT AS WELLENJOY YOUR LIFE.

DON'T SPEND YOUR LIFE

EATING RICE CAKESAND BRUSSEL SPROUTS.

YEAH, WHY WOULD YOUEAT THAT STUFF

IF YOU DON'T ENJOY IT ?

EAT THE STUFFYOU LOVE

LIKE BEER AND NACHOSAND EACH OTHER !

YEAH.

( applause )

THAT'S WHYI DON'T UNDERSTAND

GOING AFTERCIGARETTE SMOKERS.

IT'S ONE THING OF ALLTHE STUFF THAT CAN GET YOU.

WHY SMOKE ?WHY ? WHY ?

YOU KNOW WHATTHEY HOPE TO SAVE

WITH ALL THE SMOKINGLEGISLATION ?

THEY HOPE TO SAVEA MILLION LIVES.

A MILLION LIVES.

COME ON.

DO YOU THINK THAT'SA MILLION GOOD LIVES ?

REALLY, IS THAT A MILLIONPAINTERS OR POETS, NO ?

IT'S A MILLION MOREKNUCKLE-HEADS IN OUR WAY.

I SAY HAND OUTTHE CIGARETTE PACKS,

FREE UP SOMEPARKING SPACES.

( applause )

FINALLY A JUDGE CAME TO HISSENSES IN PHILADELPHIA.

DID YOU CATCH THIS ?

HE THREW ALL THESEPEOPLE OUT OF COURT.

THEY WERE TRYING TO SUETHE CIGARETTE COMPANIES

BECAUSE THEY SMOKEDTHEIR WHOLE LIFE

AND THEN THEY GET SICK,YOU KNOW THESE IDIOTS ?

THEY SMOKE FOR 60,70 YEARS.

THEN THEY SHOW UP,

"I HAD NO IDEAIT WAS BAD FOR ME."

COME ON, YOU'REBREATHING IN FIRE !

WHAT DID YOU THINKYOU WERE DOING ?

TRAINING FORTHE CIRCUS ?!

EVEN IF THEY DIDN'TPUT A LABEL ON THE PACK,

YOU WOULD KNOWIT'S BAD FOR YOU,WOULDN'T YOU ?

THEY DON'T HAVE TO PUTA LABEL ON A HAMMER

FOR ME TO KNOWIF I SMACK MYSELF IN THE FACE,

IT'S GONNA HURT.

BUT I'M ORIGINALLYFROM MINNESOTA.

OH, THAT'SSO NICE.

THAT'S HOW THEYTALK IN MINNESOTA.

THAT'S SO NICE, THANK YOU,ALRIGHT, OKAY.

ALRIGHT.

EVEN THE PHONE SEX IS POLITE,"OH, JUST TOUCH MY AREA,

THANK YOU."

YOU ARE SO GREAT.

THAT'S AN ORGASM.

OH.

THAT WAS NICE, THANKS.

LIVING IN NEW YORK--

YOU KNOW WHATTHE OTHER THING IS,

I'M TRYING TODEFEND, IN NEW YORK,

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, MINNESOTA,IGLOOS, HICKS, RIGHT ?

I TRY TO DEFEND IT,THAT IT'S COOL AND STUFF

BUT I KNOW WHENI WAS IN JR. HIGH

AND WE WOULD SEE A LIMO,

WE WERE LIKE,"THAT'S PRINCE.

THAT'S GOTTO BE PRINCE."

AND WE WERE RIGHTEVERY TIME.

AND NOWI'M IN NEW YORK

AND I'M TRYING TO GET USEDTO MY NEIGHBOR SITUATION.

I GOT THIS ONE GUYON ONE SIDE OF ME,

HE DOES SO MUCH DRUGSHE DOESN'T RESPOND IN WORDS

TO ANYTHING ANYMORE.

"DUDE, WHAT'S UP ?"HE'LL GO...

"NAH, HUH, HUH... "

"NAH, HUH, HUH... "

YOU KNOW WHATHIS NAME IS ?

THAT'S HIS NAME.

AND ON THE OTHERSIDE OF ME

SOMETHING IS HAVING SEXAND THIS WOMAN,

IT'S THE MOST FRIGHTENINGORGASM SOUND

I'VE EVER HEARDIN MY LIFE.

( screaming )IT'S LIKE"OH, OH, YEAH !"

( screaming )

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY'S MATINGWITH PTERODACTYL IN 5B.

IT'D BE SO WEIRD,IF I WENT NEXT DOOR

AND THERE WAS AN ACTUALPTERODACTYL ON SOME GUY...

I LOOK TO SEEWHO'S ON THE BOTTOM...

"NAH, HUH, HUH... "

I JUST SPENT TIMEWITH MY BROTHER.

MY BROTHER'SREALLY INTO UFOs.

ANYBODY HEREEVER SEE A UFO ?

NO... SOME PEOPLEOVER HERE ?

I WAS REALLYWORRIED ABOUT IT.

I GOT REALLY PARANOIDBECAUSE IF YOU TALK ABOUT

SOMETHING LONG ENOUGH,YOU THINK IT'S GONNA...

WOKE UP INTHE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND THERE'S THESE LIGHTSHITTING THE WINDOW, LIKE...

( warbling )

THERE WASN'TA NOISE LIKE THAT

BUT THAT WOULD TOTALLY BETHE SOUNDS OF THE LIGHTS.

LIKE OH, MY GODTHERE'S A... OUTSIDE.

SO I WALKED OVERTO THE WINDOW

AND I LOOKEDTHROUGH THE WINDOW

AND IT WAS SO MUCH BETTERTHAN SEEING A UFO.

I SAW THE COPSBUSTING SOMEBODY

ON THE STREETOUTSIDE.

ISN'T THAT THE BEST

WHEN YOU CAN SIT INTHE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME

AND WATCH SOMEBODYGET TOTALLY BUSTED ?

IT'S SO GREAT,YOU'RE SO COCKY ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE LIKE,

"I BET THEY GOTDRUGS IN THE CAR."

"LOOK IN THE TRUNK."

MY BROTHERSCARES ME.

MY BROTHER IS LIKETHE MOST OVERDRAMATIC PERSON

I'VE EVER MET.

I CALL HIM"SOAP OPERA BOY"

BECAUSE I REALLY WANTTO HAVE A CHARACTER

ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"...I'M JUST KIDDING.

SOAP OPERA BOY.

REALLY, IFYOU THINK ABOUT IT.

HE'S SO OVERDRAMATIC,EVERY CONVERSATION.

"HI, JASON,HOW YOU DOING ?"

HE'LL GO,"I'M DOING FINE JOHN,

I'M DOING FINE."

YOU KNOW WHAT THE OTHERTHING MY BROTHER DOES,

HE ALWAYS DOESTHIS SOAP OPERA EXIT

WHEN HE'SLEAVING A ROOM.

HE'LL DO THAT LIKE...

"OH, AND JOHN,

THANKS."

ALRIGHT.

WE HAVE ONE QUESTIONFOR YOU TONIGHT.

WHERE ARE OURCLASSIC ROCK FANS

IN THE HOUSETONIGHT, HUH ?

CLASSICROCK FANS !

FOR THOSEABOUT TO ROCK...

WE SALUTE YA.

IT'S A CLASSICROCK SALUTE.

CLASSIC ROCKSALUTE, MAN.

RANDY AND I LOVE LISTENINGTO CLASSIC ROCK

RADIO STATIONS.

NOT SO MUCHFOR THE MUSIC.

NO, MORE FORTHE OVER-THE-TOP

CLASSIC ROCKRADIO STATION I.D.s.

THE KIND YOU CANONLY HEAR ON

A CLASSIC ROCKRADIO STATION.

THE ONE WITHTHE GOD-LIKE DEEP VOICE.

"YOU'RE LISTENINGTO CLASSIC ROCK."

THAT'S THE ONE.

THANK YOU.

AND WE GREW UPIN ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI

WHERE WE HAD THE GREATESTCLASSIC ROCK RADIO STATION

OF ALL TIME, KC95.

IT WAS THE BEST BECAUSETHEY HAD THE MOST

OVER-THE-TOP-STATION I.D.s

AND I THINK THEYLIKED THE I.D.s

MORE THAN THE MUSIC.

BECAUSE THEY WOULDINTERRUPT SONGS

JUST TO PLAY THE I.D.s,LITERALLY.

EVERY 30 SECONDS,IT WAS LIKE...

"KC95, IF YOU GIVE USTHE PHRASE THAT PAYS,

"OUR CRAZY MORNING ZOO

"WILL SEND YOUAND A FRIEND

"ON A CANCUN, MEXICOPARTY FOR FOUR ANDA HALF WEEKS !"

"WITH ONLY $95WORTH OF KC CASH.

"SO KEEP IT RIGHT HEREON THE STATION TO WIN

"ALL THROUGHOUTTHE MONTH OF ROCKTOBER.

"IT'S KC95.

"ST. LOUIS'SMAUSOLEUM OF ROCK,

"KC95.

"WE'RE GONNA PUT OURSTEEL REINFORCED BOOTS ON

"AND KICK YOURWOOSY ASS.

"KICK IT.

"IF YOU HEAR THE SAME SONGTWICE IN THE SAME DAY

"IT'S NO REPEATTHURSDAY.

"NO REPEAT THURSDAY.

"NO REPEAT THURSDAY.

"NO REPEAT THURSDAY...

"KC95.

"WE'RE GONNA ASK YOURUGLY SISTER OUT FOR A DATE.

"BUT WHEN SHE GETSTO THE RESTAURANT,

WE'RE NOT GONNAWE'RE NOT GONNABE THERE !"BE THERE !"

THE PROMOSWE LOVE THE MOST

ARE THE CLASSICROCK PROMOS

WHERE THE CLASSICROCK STATIONS

TRIES TO MAKE ITSELFSOUND SO BAD-ASS

BY COMPARING WHATTHEY PLAY ON THEIR STATION

TO WHAT OTHERSTATIONS PLAY.

"KC95, SOME STATIONS MAYGIVE YOU THE LOVE THEME

"TO THE TITANIC.

PUSSIES.

"BUT WE'RE GONNAGIVE YOU THIS...

♪ GUNTER, GLEIBEN,GLAUCHEN, GLOBEN... ♪

"KC95, SOME STATIONS MAYGIVE YOU LATE BREAKING NEWS.

"BUT WHILE THEY'REGIVING YOU THAT

"WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOUA FOUR HOUR

"HEAVY METAL ROCK BLOCK,FEATURING

"TESLA,

"WINGER,

"STRYPER,

"SLAYER,

"DOCKET,

"AND THE DOOBIE BROTHERS.

"KC95...

"... SOME STATIONSMAY GIVE YOU THE SOUNDS

"OF THE RAIN FOREST.

( chirping )

"BUT AT KC95,

"WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU THE SOUNDOF A 286 YAMAHA CHAINSAW

"RIPPING THROUGHYOUR ANAL CAVITY

"LIKE A HOT KNIFE

"THROUGH A WELL MARINATEDSHOULDER ROAST.

"BECAUSE AT CLASSICROCK RADIO,

"WE DON'T HAVE TIMEFOR WOMEN DJs

"OR STUPIDFOREIGN PEOPLE.

"BECAUSE CLASSICROCK RADIO

"IS A PLACE WHEREROCK MEETS...

"... ROLL.

"WHERE THE CASTLEMEETS...

"... THE DUNGEON.

"WHERE DICKMEETS...

"... BALLS.

"WHERE ROCK HARD,WELL OILED MEN

GO TO MEET...

"... OTHER MEN."

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