Pete Holmes & Abby Elliott

  • Season 1, Ep 9
  • 04/16/2013

Anthony discusses lingerie that shocks potential rapists and a Georgia high school's first integrated prom in 30 years; Pete Holmes and Abby Elliott defend their tweets.

WITH THE "BEST WORST THINGOF THE WEEK."

OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES,THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.

DON'T RAPE ME, BRO!

ENGINEERING STUDENTS IN INDIAHAVE DESIGNED ANTI-RAPE LINGERIE

THAT WILL SHOCKPOTENTIAL ATTACKERS

WITH 3,800 VOLTSOF ELECTRICITY.

SO IT'S OFFICIAL,ROMANCE IS DEAD.

- THAT HAS TO BE AN AWKWARD ITEMTO REMOVE AT AIRPORT SECURITY.

- YEAH. NO, I AM NOTBUYING THAT AT ALL.

YOU KNOW THAT THE IRAPE 2IS GONNA COME OUT

IN, LIKE,SIX MONTHS ANYWAYS.

- CAN I SPEAK TO THE MORMONSFOR A SECOND?

HEY, MORMONS!

LOOK, A PAIROF MAGICAL UNDERWEAR

THAT ACTUALLYDOES SOMETHING.

- MM.

THIS ISA REALLY GREAT PRODUCT.

YOU KNOW,HOW IT PROTECTS A WOMAN

IS IT STARTS SHOCKING HERUNTIL SHE LEAVES INDIA.

- I KNOW YOU SAID,"LEAVES INDIA,"

BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE,"LEANS INTO YA."

WHICH IS HORRIBLE.- YEAH.

- TRUE, NO ONE WOULDEVER WANT TO LEAN INTO YOU.

- OH![audience groans]

I'VE HAD SEX!

TAKE THAT,HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE!

ALTHOUGH, ANTHONY,THIS IS UNDERWEAR

THAT SHOCKSA POTENTIAL RAPIST.

IS THAT WHY YOUR HAIRIS STICKING UP?

[laughter]

- THAT'S GOOD.THAT'S GOOD.

- I CAN BE MEAN!

- THAT'S GOOD.- YEAH.

THE THING ABOUT THIS THAT'S GOODIS THAT IF THIS MALFUNCTIONS,

THEN THERE IS AN INDIAN GUYTHERE FOR TECH SUPPORT.

- OOH! THAT'S TRUE.- YEAH.

- NOW, GUYS, WHAT ARE SOME OTHERRAPE PREVENTION ACCESSORIES

YOU COULD WEAR?

- WELL, TALKABOUT NEW GIRL FOREVER.

- YEAH.- THAT'S A RAPE PRE--

ANTI-RAPE, YEAH.- YEAH, YEAH.

HAVE AN EVEN HOTTER FRIENDWHO HANGS OUT WITH YOU.

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S--YEAH.- YEAH.

- YOU KNOW, WHAT I WOULD WEARIS A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS,

"ASK MEABOUT MY RAGING SYPHILIS."

- THAT REMINDS ME, PETE,HOW IS YOUR RAGING SYPHILIS?

[laughter]

UP NEXT IS THE "WORSTBEST THING OF THE WEEK."

THERE ARE A LOTOF POSITIVE STORIES OUT THERE,

AND THIS WASBY FAR THE WORST ONE.

BLACK TIE INSIDE,WHITE HOOD OUTSIDE.

A HIGH SCHOOL IN GEORGIAHAS ANNOUNCED PLANS

TO HOLD ITS FIRSTINTEGRATED PROM IN 30 YEARS.

YEAH. IT WAS DECIDEDAFTER A VOTE

IN WHICH WOMENWERE NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE.

[laughter]- YEAH.

- ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF INEQUALITYBEING STOPPED

WITH THE POWER OF DANCE.- YEAH.

I'M JUST EXCITEDTHEY FINALLY HAVE

AN INTEGRATED LESBIAN PROMTO ATTEND.

THAT'S GREAT.

- WELL, IT'S NOT FAIR.

BLACK PEOPLE GETTO DO EVERYTHING.

I MEAN, I NEVER GOTTO GO TO A GEORGIA PROM.

- THAT'S TRUE.- EVER.

OR BE PRESIDENTOR BE BEYONCE.

- YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL BAD FORIS THE ONE KID

WHO WAS BLAMING NOT HAVINGA DATE TO THE PROM

ON HIS IMAGINARYBLACK GIRLFRIEND.

[laughter]

SHE'S BUSY, GUYS!

- NOW IS THERE ANY WAYTO THROW AN INTEGRATED PROM

THAT WILL SATISFY THE TOWN'SRACISTS TOO, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, MAYBE ALL THE CHAPERONESCOULD HAVE FIRE HOSES?

- YEAH.

I FEEL LIKE GIVE THEM OXYCONTINAND PLAY SOME KID ROCK,

AND THEY'LL BE GOOD, RIGHT?

- OR JUST HAVE IT AT A PLACETHEY'LL NEVER HEAR ABOUT IT,

LIKE THE LIBRARY.- OOH.

- POLITICAL.- YEAH!

- WHAT,ARE YOU GUYS RACISTS?

YOU'RE LIKE,"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!"

GIVE THEM A CHANCE!

THEY READ A LOTOF HATE LITERATURE.

[laughter]

I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUTTHEIR FIRST OPENLY GAY PROM

FROM MY CONDOON THE MOON.

'CAUSE IT'SIN THE FUTURE.

IT'S IN THE FUTURE.

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS,WE'VE BEEN MAKING A LOT OF JOKES

ABOUT THIS STUFF,

BUT I WANT TO KNOWHOW OPEN-MINDED

YOU GUYS WEREIN HIGH SCHOOL.

SO BEFORE THE SHOW, WE ASKEDYOU BOTH THE SAME QUESTION

AND HAD YOU WRITE YOUR ANSWERSDOWN ON A CARD, RIGHT?

NOW, PETE, I WANT YOU TO GUESSHOW MANY BLACK FRIENDS ABBY HAD

HER SENIOR YEAROF HIGH SCHOOL.

- WELL, I WOULD HAVE TO SAYYOU SEEM PRETTY PROGRESSIVE.

YOU HAVEA WELCOMING VIBE.

YOU MADE THAT "BLACK PEOPLE GETTO DO EVERYTHING" JOKE EARLIER.

I'M GONNA SAY YOU HADTHREE SASSY BLACK FRIENDS.

- WOW.- OKAY, OKAY.

- ONE OF THEM IS GAY,AND HE MOONWALKED EVERYWHERE.

[laughter]

PLEASE EDIT THAT OUT.

- NO.

THAT IS STAYING INFOR SURE.

- IT IS.

- ABBY, HOW DID HE DO?HOLD UP YOUR SIGN.

- UM, OKAY.

- FIVE. FIVE BLACK FRIENDSHER SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL.

WOW.

ABBY,HOW MANY BLACK FRIENDS

DID PETE HAVE HIS SENIOR YEAROF HIGH SCHOOL?

- I CANNOT--

- KEEP IN MIND, BLACK PEOPLEHATE PETE'S COMEDY.

- YEAH.- [laughs]

- I CAN'T SEE--

YEAH, I CAN'T SEE THAT--UH, ONE.

- ONE.- THAT IS OFFENSIVE.

- ZERO!

WOW.

- I HAD--

IT WAS HIGH SCHOOL!I HAD THREE FRIENDS.

- OKAY, WELL, YEAH.

- A PUERTO RICAN,A SPANIARD, AND A JEW.

THEY WOULDN'T LET MEHAVE A BLACK ONE.

- YEAH, MAYBE BECAUSE YOUREFERRED TO THEM

AS A PUERTO RICAN,A SPANIARD, AND A JEW.

- YEAH.

- THAT WAS THEIR IDEA!

- HOW ABOUT YOU?

HOW MANY BLACK FRIENDSDID YOU HAVE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

[laughter]

- THERE WAS AN OLD LADYWHO LIVED IN A PANEL.

TAKE ITS LAST STEPS.

IT'S "DEFENDING YOUR TWEET."

YOU TWEETED IT.

NOW I'M GONNA READ IT

AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND ITIN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.

ABBY, LET'S START WITH YOU.- YEAH.

- ON JULY 4TH,YOU TWEETED...

[cheers and applause]

YEAH.

- NOW, I--- ABBY, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- WELL, I THINK THAT THISWAS TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT

'CAUSE I WAS SMOKING WEEDIN A LOT OF OTHER PLACES TOO.

- OH.- NOT JUST MY CIVIC.

- THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.- MM-HMM.

- I'M GONNA ALLOW THATAS A DEFENSE OF YOUR TWEET,

BUT I DON'T THINK YOU KNOWWHAT "OUT OF CONTEXT" MEANS.

NOW, PETE,ON FEBRUARY 14TH--

THIS ISA VALENTINE'S DAY TWEET,

SO YOU KNOWIT'S GONNA BE EXTRA SAD--

YOU TWEETED...

PETE HOLMES,DEFEND YOUR TWEET.

- UH, YOU KNOW, ANTHONY,I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA

BELIEVE THIS,BUT I ACTUALLY AM A BOOKIE.

SO I FLIPPED IT AND KIND OFWROTE FROM THE PERSPECTIVE

OF THE GUYWHOSE LEGS I BREAK.

- OKAY.- YOU KNOW, I'M A GOOD BOOKIE.

NOBODY SUSPECTS THE GUY THATLOOKS LIKE LESBIAN VAL KILMER.

[laughter]

- IT MAKES SENSE.

IT MAKES SENSETHAT YOU'RE A BOOKIE

'CAUSE I WAS WONDERINGTHIS WHOLE TIME

HOW YOU COULDPOSSIBLY MAKE YOUR LIVING.

BUT THANK YOU GUYS BOTH

FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.- THAT WAS SO--

- BE SURE TO CHECK OUTPETE'S HOUR SPECIAL,

NICE TRY, THE DEVIL,

PREMIERING MAY 12THON COMEDY CENTRAL.

AND SEE ABBY ON AN UPCOMINGEPISODE OF INSIDE AMY SCHUMER,

WHICH PREMIERESTUESDAY, APRIL 30TH,

ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKWITH MORE SHOW.

[upbeat music]

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