CC Presents: Kevin Nealon

  • 05/28/1999

Kevin Nealon doles out handy tips to mask-seeking robbers and cat smugglers with no gag reflexes.

I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.

I'M STAYING AT A NICE HOTELNOT TOO FAR FROM HERE.

THEY EVEN PUT MEIN THE HONEYMOON SUITE.

I GUESS IT WASTHE ONLY ROOM AVAILABLE, YEAH.

STAYING WITH A NICE COUPLEFROM NEBRASKA.

YEAH, GETTING SOME NICE SHOTSON THIS TRIP.

SOME NICE SHOTS.

THIS IS A GREAT TIMEOF THE YEAR, ISN'T IT?

I WAS IN THE PARK TODAY

AND THIS GIRLROLLER-SKATED BY ME.

UNBELIEVABLE.

SHE HAD THOSE SHORTS ONWHERE, LIKE

HER BUNS WERE COMINGOUT THE BACK, YOU KNOW?

NOT VERY APPEALING,THOUGH, THEY WERE LONG SHORTS.

HEY, YOU GOT TO DOWHAT YOU CAN, YOU KNOW

'CAUSE LIFE IS TOUGH,IT REALLY IS.

YOU GOT TO MAKE AN EFFORT.

COUPLE OF MONTHS AGOI RAISED $37,000

FOR ALL THE HOMELESS PEOPLEIN AMERICA. $37,000.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

PLEASE, PLEASE,I AM NOT LOOKING FOR THAT.

ANYWAY, LIKE I SAID,LIFE IS TOUGH

SO I KEPT MOSTOF THAT MONEY FOR MYSELF

BUT I MADE THE EFFORT;THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

SEE, SOMETIMES WE DON'TAPPRECIATE HOW LUCKY WE ARE.

WE DON'T REALIZE HOW BAD OFFOTHER PEOPLE HAVE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

EVEN IN AMERICA,PEOPLE COMPLAIN, RIGHT?

THEY COMPLAINABOUT CRIME, EDUCATION.

I THINK THE EDUCATION SYSTEMIS GREAT JUST THE WAY IT IS.

THERE'S KIDS IN MY NEIGHBORHOODIN LOS ANGELES, SEVEN YEARS OLD

COULD ALREADYSPEAK FLUENT SPANISH.

UNBELIEVABLE

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ONIN THE HIGH SCHOOLS

YOU KNOW, WITH THE STUDENTSAND THE TEACHERS.

I SAW A BUMPER STICKER.

IT SAID, "OUR CHILD IS THE PROUDPARENT OF HIS TEACHER'S BABY."

WHAT'S GOING ON?

AND CRIME? CRIME NOW IS LOWERTHAN IT'S EVER BEEN BEFORE.

PROBABLY BECAUSE ALL THE GOODSTUFF HAS BEEN STOLEN ALREADY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I READABOUT THESE TWO GUYS LAST YEAR.

THEY ROBBED A BANK.

THEY DIDN'T WANT

TO BE RECOGNIZED SO THEY PULLED

NYLON STOCKINGSOVER THEIR HEADS, YOU KNOW?

ACTUALLY,THESE GUYS USED PANTYHOSE

SO THEY HAD TO WALKREALLY CLOSE TOGETHER

WHEN THEY DID IT,BUT THEY DID IT.

THEY MADE THE EFFORT.

YOU KNOW WHATMAKES PEOPLE VIOLENT?

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.

IT'S NOT TELEVISION OR FILMS.

IT THINK IT'S...THIS IS MY THEORY NOW.

I THINK IT'S ALARM CLOCKS.

YOU KNOW,'CAUSE IT WAKES YOU UP ABRUPTLY.

IT PUTS YOU IN A BAD MOOD.

YOU DON'T WANTTO TALK TO ANYBODY.

YOU'RE IRRITABLE, YOU'RE MOODY,YOU KNOW?

YOU SHOULD JUSTWAKE UP NATURALLY

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU SHOULDSHOW UP TO WORK OR SCHOOL.

ARE YOU WITH ME?

I THINK THAT'S FAIR.

( applause )

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR THAT.

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR THAT.

THEY SHOULD HAVE AN ALARM CLOCK

THAT WAKES YOU UP GRADUALLY.

THERE WOULD A HUMAN VOICE.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"COME ON, BUDDY. GET UP, PAL.

"YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD,YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.

"YOU GOT THE WHOLE DAYAHEAD OF YOU.

"COME ON, BUDDY.

"NICE DAY, OUT OF BED.

"OUT OF BED. GET OUT OF BED.

"YOU GET OUT OF BEDBEFORE I KICK YOU OUT OF BED!

GET OUT OF BED!"

THEN YOU HIT THE SNOOZE ALARM.

"SORRY, BUDDY. COME ON, PAL.

"YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, MAN.

"UP YOU GO. COME ON.

LET'S GO."

I'M ON A SELF-IMPROVEMENT KICK.

I'M TRYING TO BETTER MYSELF.

I WENT TO THE BOOKSTOREAND ASKED THE SALESGIRL

IF SHE COULD DIRECT METO THE SELF-HELP SECTION.

SHE SAID, "I COULD, BUT WOULDN'TTHAT BE SELF-DEFEATING?"

SO I'M LOOKINGFOR THESE BOOKS FOR DUMMIES.

YOU KNOW,THEY GOT THEM FOR EVERYTHING.

LIKE GOLF FOR DUMMIES, COOKING FOR DUMMIES, YOU KNOW.

BY THE WAY, I'M BECOMINGA GOURMET COOK.

LEARNING HOW TO COOK WITH WINE.

ACTUALLY, WHAT I DO IS I GETDRUNK AND I MAKE SOME RICE

BUT STILL, YOU KNOW,IT SOUNDS GOOD.

YOU KNOW., "COME ON OVER.I'M COOKING WITH WINE."

YOU KNOW, THEY GET THERE,YOU'RE DRUNK.

THERE'S RICE EVERYWHERE.

"COME ON IN."

BUT I'M LOOKING FOR A BOOK--

COMPUTERS FOR DUMMIES--'CAUSE I GOT A COMPUTER.

EVERYBODY SAID YOU GOT TO GETONE, THEY'RE A LOT OF FUN.

SO I GOT ONE AND I CANNOT FIGUREOUT HOW TO WORK THIS THING.

THEY'RE SO COMPLICATED,AREN'T THEY?

I'M ACTUALLY HAVING MORE FUN

PLAYING IN THE BOX IT CAME INTHAN THE COMPUTER

AND THAT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOURTO FIGURE OUT.

GETTING IN THE BOX WAS EASY.

GETTING OUT WAS TOUGH.

YOU GOT TO ROCKA LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW

AND THEN YOU ROLL OUT

BUT THEY HAVETHESE TECH SUPPORT PEOPLE

AND THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.

IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM--"HEY, I GOT A PROBLEM."

"OKAY, DOES IT SAY'NON-SYSTEM DISK ERROR 1065B'?"

"YEAH."

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE RIGHTIN THE ROOM WITH YOU, YOU KNOW?

"OKAY, CLICK ON THAT.

"NOW DOES IT SAY'ERROR PROBLEM 589'?"

"YEAH."

"ALL RIGHT,GO INTO YOUR BEDROOM.

"YOU SEE THOSE BLUE PANTSON YOUR BED?

PUT THOSE ON."

I LIVE EVERY DAY LIKEIT'S THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I WAKE UP REAL EARLY.

I SPEND MAYBE THREE HOURSON THE PHONE

MAKING FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN I JUSTSIT BACK AND I WAIT.

IT'S TOUGH GETTING OLDER.

YOU START FALLING APART,YOU KNOW?

MY GUMS ARE STARTINGTO RECEDE NOW.

YOU CAN'T TELL TONIGHT, THOUGH,'CAUSE I COMB THEM FORWARD.

YOU KNOW, BUT STILL...

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIMESOMEBODY CALLED ME "SIR."

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED I WASSTARTING TO LOOK A LITTLE OLDER

BUT I STILL FELT LIKE A KID.

I WAS IN THE DEPARTMENT STOREAND THE SALESLADY CAME UP TO ME

AND SHE SAID,"SIR, PUT DOWN THAT MANNEQUIN.

IT'S NOT A TOY."

FOR A MINUTE,I FELT PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN,YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE.

EVERYTHING IS DANGEROUS.

NOW THEY'RE SAYING THAT SMOKINGMAY CAUSE COLON CANCER

BUT THAT'S ONLY IF YOU INHALEREALLY DEEPLY, THOUGH, YOU KNOW.

I'M TRYING TO BECOMEENVIRONMENTALLY CORRECT.

I GOT AN ELECTRIC CAR.

YOU HEARD OF THESE?

THEY'RE SO COOL.

I LOVE IT, MAN. IT'S GREAT.

IT'S IN THE SHOP NOW.

WE'RE HAVING A GAS ENGINEPUT IN IT, BUT STILL, YOU KNOW.

I'M LIKING IT. IT'S NICE.

I'M ON A STRICT RUNNING PROGRAM.

I STARTED YESTERDAY. MM-HMM.

I'VE ONLY MISSED ONE DAY SO FAR.

OH, I'M SERIOUSABOUT IT THIS TIME.

I'M SERIOUS ABOUT IT.

I TRIED CROSS-COUNTRY SKIINGLAST YEAR.

THAT'S A TOUGH SPORT.

HERE'S A LITTLE TIPIF YOU'RE GOING TO TRY IT.

START OFF WITH A SMALL COUNTRY.

AND GO THE WIDTH,NOT THE LENGTH.

CHILE'S A GOODBEGINNER'S COUNTRY

'CAUSE IT'S ONLY LIKE THIS WIDE.

YOU KNOW WHATTHE MOST STRESSFUL JOB IS?

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS.

YOU EVER GO TO AN AIR SHOW?

YOU SEE THE GUY THAT STANDSON THE WING OF THE PLANE

AS IT'S FLYING? THIS GUY'S NUTS.

I'VE MET A FEW OF THEMTHAT DO IT

AND I'VE SEEN THEMQUITE A FEW TIMES.

IT'S NOT AS IMPRESSIVE ANYMORE

BUT NOW, IF A GUY COULD STANDON A HELICOPTER BLADE...

THAT'D BE SOMETHING RIGHT THERE.

I JUST MOVED.

THAT'S PRETTY STRESSFUL.

IT'S ONE OF THE THREE MOSTSTRESSFUL THINGS IN LIFE.

OKAY, IT'S MOVING...

AND THE DEATH OF YOUR SPOUSE...

AND THEN MOVINGYOUR DEAD SPOUSE.

THOSE THREE THINGS RIGHT THERE

BUT I GOT THIS LITTLE, UH,FIXER-UPPER HOUSE

I BOUGHT ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO

AND I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TOIT LIKE IN FIVE YEARS, YOU KNOW

SO NOW IT'S LIKEA LITTLE KNOCKER-DOWNER HOUSE.

I MEAN, EVEN IF I HAD THE TIME,I'M NOT GOOD WITH THE TOOLS.

YOU KNOW, BOB VILA--REMEMBER THAT SHOW?

THIS OLD HOUSE?

THAT GUY COULD FIX ANYTHING.

I WOULD WATCH THAT AND GO

( gasps ):"OH, MY GOD," YOU KNOW.

HE'S GREAT.

NOW, IF I HAD A SHOW...

IF I HAD A SHOW... IT WOULD BECALLED "THIS FAT CHECK."

"HI, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

"I'LL BE WRITING OUT A BIG,FAT CHECK TO MY CONTRACTOR.

"I'LL BE USING A THREE-INCHBIC FINE-TIP BALLPOINT PEN.

MAKE SURE YOU WRITEON SOMETHING FIRM."

AND IT'S TOUGH MOVING FOR ME,TOO, BECAUSE I HAVE THREE CATS

AND THEY ONLY ALLOW ONEON THE PLANE

YOU KNOW, SO I HAD TO SMUGGLETHE OTHER TWO ON

WHICH, YOU KNOW, WAS VERYSTRESSFUL FOR ME, YOU KNOW

'CAUSE I HATE TO BREAK RULES

BUT WHAT I DID WAS,AND THIS WAS BETTER

I PUT THE CATS INTO A BALLOON,SWALLOWED THEM

THEN POOPED THEM OUT LATER.

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M GOING TO GOTO UPSTATE NEW YORK.

NEW YORK'S THE ONLY STATETHAT HAS AN UPSTATE.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

OTHER STATES HAVE APPLIEDFOR IT, BUT THEY CAN'T GET IT.

BUT I'M GOING TO GO UPTO, UH, RHINEBECK

AND THE...

IN FACT, YOU GOT A MINUTE?

LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE I'M GOING.

MAYBE YOU CAN MAKESOME SUGGESTIONS.

THE GUY AT THE HOTEL WAS NICE.

HE WENT ON AND ON ABOUTWHERE I SHOULD GO

AND WHAT I SHOULD SEEAND ALL THAT STUFF.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I FELT LIKEGRABBING THE MAP AFTER A WHILE

AND RUNNING AWAY,BUT HE WOULDN'T LET IT GO.

WHAT DO THEY GLUETHESE THINGS HERE?

( laughter )

ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT.

THEY ALWAYS DO THIS--

THEY LOOK AT YOUR MAP--

THEY SAY, "OKAY, YOU WANTTO GO SOMEPLACE NICE?

"OKAY, HERE'S WHEREYOU WANT TO GO.

"OKAY... ALL RIGHT, WELL,IT'S NOT ON THIS MAP.

"WHAT YOU WANT TO DO THOUGH

"IS YOU WANT TO COME UP 287OVER HERE, OKAY?

"GET OFF AT EXIT 5 OVER HERE.

"YOU'LL SEE A BEAUTIFUL HOTEL,A LAKE.

TAKE THE MAP THOUGH,JUST IN CASE YOU GET LOST."

THEY TELL YOU THAT LIKE YOU'REGOING TO GET HALFWAY THERE

AND ASK SOMEBODY ELSEFOR DIRECTIONS, RIGHT?

EXCUSE ME, I'M A LITTLE LOST.

I'M RIGHT HERE NOW.

( laughter )

I'D LIKE TO GET OVER HERE.

BUT I'M GOING TO GO UPTO THE ADIRONDACKS

AND I DON'T KNOW EXACTLYHOW FAR THAT IS.

THESE MILES SCALES IN THE CORNERARE SO INACCURATE.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO DO ITWITH YOUR FINGERS, YOU KNOW.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVEA PROTRACTOR IN THE CAR.

THEY OUGHT TO JUST DRAWA LITTLE THUMB AND A FINGER

DOWN THERE LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?

WHO'S KIDDING WHO?

I WENT TO MICHIGANA COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

ARE YOU GUYSFROM MICHIGAN AT ALL?

( scattered hooting )

PEOPLE THAT LIVE IN MICHIGANARE SO PROUD OF THEIR STATE

BECAUSE IT'S SHAPED LIKE A HAND.

AND THEY LOVE TO SHOW YOUWHERE THEY ARE

BY WHIPPING OUT THEIR HAND.

OKAY, ANN ARBOR'SRIGHT HERE NOW.

YOU WANT TO GO OVER HERE.

SEE, YOU DON'T WANT TO COMEFROM A STATE

THAT'S SHAPED LIKE YOUR BUTT.

OKAY, YOU ARE...

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT HERE NOW.

YOU WANT TO GO THIS WAY FAST.

I ACTUALLY WENT TO GREECE ONCE.

AMAZING HOW MANY FRATERNITYHOUSES THEY HAVE THERE.

UNBELIEVABLE.

HAD A NICE LITTLE CROSS-COUNTRYDRIVING TRIP LAST SUMMER.

IN FACT, LET ME SHOW YOUWHERE I WENT

ON THE MAP HERE.

OKAY, NOT ON THIS MAP.

BUT PRETEND THAT'S IDAHO.

USE YOUR IMAGINATION.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME HELP YOU OUT.

OKAY, THERE'S IDAHO.

OKAY, WHAT I DID WAS,I WENT UP THE COAST OF IDAHO...

UP INTO WASHINGTON.

ALL RIGHT?

JUST CAUGHT THE CORNEROF WASHINGTON

DOWN INTO OREGON.

A LOT OF MOUNTAINS IN OREGON.

WENT ALL THROUGHTHE MOUNTAINS, YOU KNOW.

CAME DOWN INTO CALIFORNIA.

CALIFORNIA WAS NICE.

I THINK PROBABLY, THOUGH,THE NICEST PLACE I WENT

ON THE WHOLE TRIP WAS...

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SAY HAWAII.

WHICH IS OUT HERE.

ALL RIGHT, NOT THE MAIN ISLAND

BUT THOSE TWO LITTLE ISLANDS

THAT ARE RIGHT OFFOF THE MAIN ISLAND, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT MAUI...

NO, I'M SORRY.

MAUI... AND I THINK...

NANTUCKET MIGHT HAVE BEENTHE OTHER ONE.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE ABOUT THAT.

IT WAS A GREAT TRIP.

ALTHOUGH THE FLIGHT OUT THEREWAS A LITTLE NERVE-WRACKING.

I THINK THE PILOT WASA LITTLE INEXPERIENCED.

WE'RE SITTING ON THE RUNWAY,HE SAYS

"OKAY, FOLKS, WE'RE GOINGTO BE TAKING IN A FEW...

WHOA, HERE WE GO!"

( laughter )

YOU NEED A VACATION AFTER THAT.

HERE'S WHAT I DO.

THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE...

A GOOD SUGGESTION FOR YOU GUYS.

IT'S GOTTEN TO THE POINT NOWWHERE I JUST EMPTY THE SUITCASE

I LINE THE INSIDE WITH VELCRO.

THEN I JUST TOSS ITINTO THE CLOSET.

WHATEVER STICKS, I TAKE WITH ME.

I WENT TO HAWAII.I BROUGHT A SOCK AND A SCARF.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED.

WHAT A GREAT TRIP.

I FOUNDTHIS BEAUTIFUL BEACH, TOO.

IT WAS LIKE RIGHT ON THE WATER.

UNBELIEVABLE.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN IT COMES TO WATER SPORTS--

EXPERT. EXPERT.

NOT BRAGGING.

JUST EXPERT.

I RENTED A, UH...

OH, GEEZ, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?

UM... NOT A JET SKI...

I WANT TO SAY LEMON MERINGUE

BUT THAT'S WAY OFF.

CATAMARAN. CATAMARAN?

AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN METICK-TACKING AROUND THE OCEAN

WITH THE STEERING STICKIN MY HAND, YOU KNOW.

I GOT WAY OFFSHORE.

NOT A GOOD JUDGE ON DISTANCE.

MAYBE... 830 MILES.

AND THE WIND DIED DOWN.I DIDN'T PANIC OR ANYTHING.

I JUST HUNG MY FEETOVER THE SIDE OF THE BOAT

AND CATCHING SOME RAYS,YOU KNOW.

AND I LOOKED OUT JUST IN TIME...SCARED ME TO DEATH.

THIS CLOSE TO MY FEET,THERE'S A...

UH... WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?

AW, GEEZ.

WHAT DO THEY CALL THEM?

NOT A JELLYFISH.

WANT TO SAY SET OF HOOTERSBUT THAT'S WAY OFF.

BARRACUDA.

A BARRACUDA...

THIS CLOSE TO MY FEET.

SCARED ME TO DEATH.

BUT THERE'S A LOTOF NICE THINGS TO DO OUT THERE.

WHALE WATCHING-- THAT WAS FUN.

THE CAPTAIN EVEN LET MESTEER THE SHIP.

I LIKED THAT.

WASN'T CRAZY ABOUTSITTING ON HIS LAP

BUT I DID ALL RIGHT.

BOUGHT A WATCH OFF OF SOME GUYON SIXTH AVENUE.

A ROLEX... A FAKE ROLEX WATCH.

THEY LOOK SO REAL.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

AND THEY'RE CHEAP--LIKE 20 BUCKS.

AND THEY ARE CHEAP.

I HAD IT FOR LIKE TWO DAYS

AND THE "R" AND THE "X"FELL OFF OF IT.

IT BECAME AN "OLE" WATCH.

THEN I GOT THIS CHEAP,UNDERWATER DIVING WATCH.

IT'S LIKE 37 BUCKS.

GOES DOWN TO THREE FEET.

YOU KNOW, WHICH IS PLENTY

FOR WASHING DISHES AND STUFF,YOU KNOW.

I DON'T SCUBA DIVE.

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT.

THEY SEE ME WALKING,THEY SEE THE WATCH.

HEY, THAT GUY MUST SCUBA DIVE.

MAYBE I DO, MAYBE I DON'T.

I'D WEAR THE TANKS IF THEYWEREN'T SO HEAVY, YOU KNOW.

AND THE FLIPPERS...

YEAH, MAYBE I DO, MAYBE I DON'T.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW,I DON'T NEED FLIPPERS.

LOOK AT THIS.

SIZE 14.

WHICH DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING,BY THE WAY.

MAYBE I DO, MAYBE I DON'T.

( laughter )

I DON'T SCUBA DIVE

BECAUSE ONE TIME I WAS SWIMMINGOFF OF CALIFORNIA...

ON THE OCEAN SIDE.

AND I GOT HOME THAT NIGHTAND I TURNED THE NEWS ON

AND I HEARD THEY CAUGHTA GREAT WHITE SHARK

IN THE EXACT SAME AREAI WAS SWIMMING THAT DAY.

A PREGNANT GREAT WHITE SHARK.

WHICH I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH.

BUT YOU KNOW, STILL,IT SCARES YOU A LITTLE BIT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SWIMFASTER THAN THE SHARK.

YOU JUST HAVE TO SWIM FASTERTHAN THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.

( applause )

I'M GUESSING, UM...

TEN YEARS AGO?

'CAUSE I FINALLY METTHAT MISS RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

MISS ALWAYS RIGHT

AND, UH...

MARRIAGE IS GREAT.

IT'LL CALM YOU DOWN.

THAT AND NEUTERING--

THOSE TWO THINGS RIGHT THERE,YOU KNOW?

BUT I WAS AFRAIDI WASN'T GOING TO MEET HER.

I WAS GETTING OLDER

AND IT WAS HARD TO MEET SOMEONEWHO WAS SET IN MY WAYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT I FINALLY MET HERAT A COSTUME PARTY.

SHE CAME AS A SLINKY.

THAT WAS HER OUTFIT, YOU KNOW.

BUT I REMEMBERTHE FIRST TIME I SAW HER.

SHE WAS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS,YOU KNOW? UNBELIEVABLE.

SHE WAS GREAT. SHE WAS LIKETAKING TWO AT A TIME

AND WE GOT TO TALKING

AND IT TURNS OUT THAT SHE WORKSAS A STUNTWOMAN IN HOLLYWOOD.

WHICH IS VERY CONVENIENTFOR ME, YOU KNOW.

LIKE AFTER A DATEWHEN I WENT TO DROP HER OFF

DIDN'T HAVE TO STOP THE CAROR ANYTHING.

RIGHT BY THE HOUSEAND SHE WAS GONE.

YOU KNOWWHAT'S HARD ABOUT DATING?

IT'S UNFAIR, YOU KNOW,WHEN YOU'RE ON A DATE.

LIKE... YOU KNOW THAT GIRLTHAT COMES AROUND

WITH A BASKET OF ROSES?

YOU REALLY FEELLIKE YOU'RE ON THE SPOT

TO GET ONE FOR YOUR DATE,AND THEY'RE SO EXPENSIVE.

IT'S LIKE EIGHT BUCKS EACH

AND WHAT IF YOU DON'T LIKETHE GIRL YOU'RE WITH?

YOU KNOW? I MEAN, YOU NEVERSEE A GUY COMING THROUGH

WITH A BUCKET OF TOOLS.

"HEY, YOU WANT TO BUY A WRENCHFOR YOUR DATE, MA'AM?"

I THINK IT'S UNFAIR, THAT'S ALL.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST DATEI EVER WENT OUT ON.

IT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

HER NAME WAS MARGUERITE

AND SHE WAS KINDOF A HEAVY-SET GIRL.

I'M NOT A GOOD JUDGE ON WEIGHT.

I'D SAY PROBABLYABOUT 915 POUNDS.

WELL, I TOOK HER OUTON ONE DATE.

WE WENT OUT FOR A DINNERAND A MOVIE AND A DINNER

AND, UH...OH, IT WAS A GOOD TIME.

IT WAS A GOOD TIME

BUT I GOT HER HOME LATE

AND HER FATHER WAS WAITING UPIN THE DOORWAY

AND HE WAS LOOKINGTHROUGH THE PEEPHOLE.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN TELL

WHEN SOMEONE'S LOOKINGTHROUGH THE PEEPHOLE, YOU KNOW?

WITH HIM, IT WAS PRETTY EASY.

IT WAS AN ALL-GLASS DOORAND THEN A PEEPHOLE, YOU KNOW.

NOT A VERY GOOD INVESTMENT,YOU KNOW

BUT I NEVER SAW HER AGAINAFTER THAT.

SEE, MY FATHER NEVERGETS MAD AT ME.

HE CONTROLS HIS TEMPER.

HE'D JUST SLOWLY COUNT TO 100.

THEN HE'D LIFT MY HEAD UPOUT OF THE WATER...

THEN EVERYTHING WAS OKAY.

THEY HAVE FEMALE CONDOMS NOW.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?

APPARENTLY IT PREVENTS PREGNANCY

BY FITTING SNUGLYOVER THE WOMAN'S WINE GLASS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

ABORTION'S A TOUCHY SUBJECT.

NOBODY LIKES TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

WHO KNOWS WHAT'S RIGHT OR WRONG?

I THINK THE BIG QUESTION IS,WHEN DOES LIFE ACTUALLY BEGIN?

NOW, WHAT WORRIES ME, IS A LOTOF PEOPLE SAY LIFE BEGINS AT 40.

OOH.

YOU GOT TO DRAW THE LINESOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW?

MY FRIEND'S HAVING A BABY.

SHE'S HAVING A C-SECTION.

I DON'T KNOW IF THOSE ARE GOODSEATS OR HOW FAR BACK THEY ARE

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO...

YOU GOT TO TAKE WHATYOU CAN GET, I GUESS, YOU KNOW?

THEY CAN TELL WHAT THE SEXOF THE BABY IS GOING TO BE

BEFORE IT'S EVEN BORN.

HOW COOL IS THAT?

COURSE THE ONLY PROBLEM NOW

IS FINDING OUT WHAT THE SEXOF THE BABY'S GOING TO BE

LATER ON IN LIFE, YOU KNOW.

I WENT ON A TRIP WITH MY WIFE

AND TWO OF HER GIRLFRIENDSLAST SUMMER

AND I WAS JUST OBSERVINGAND IT'S JUST AMAZING.

THEY GO THROUGH THREE STAGES.

IT'S SEXY, THEN THE LITTLE GIRL,AND THEN BITCHY.

I WAS AT THE AIRLINE COUNTER

AND I WASJUST WATCHING THEM WORK

AND IT WAS, YOU KNOW,THEY WORKED IT SO WELL.

IT WAS LIKE, UH, "HI, LISTEN,UH, WE JUST MISSED OUR FLIGHT

"AND WOW, YOU HAVE NICE EYES.

"THEY'RE BLUE? YEAH.

"LISTEN, WE WERE WONDERING

"IF MAYBE WE CAN GET UPGRADEDTO THE CONCORDE.

"NO? WELL, THEN,HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET

"BACK TO FROM WHEREWE CAME FROM, YOU KNOW?

"YOU DON'T THINK MAYBE...THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN DO IT?

"NO? WELL, JESUS, WHAT THE HELLIS WRONG WITH YOU DAMN PEOPLE?!

EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND YOU'REPULLING SOME STUNT LIKE THIS!"

IT'S TRUE

BUT, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODYMANIPULATES EVERYBODY.

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

I USED TO BE IN ADVERTISING.

THAT WAS REAL DECEPTIVE,THE WAY THEY MANIPULATE PEOPLE

TO GET THEMTO BUY THINGS, YOU KNOW?

BUT THIS IS A LOT MORE FUNDOING THIS KIND OF WORK.

BIG BUCKS, BECAUSE IT'S A BETTERLIFESTYLE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

EARLIER TONIGHT I HAD DINNER

AT THIS VERY FANCYRESTAURANT, HOOTERS.

I FORGET THE NAME OF IT,BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU

I WAS VERY IMPRESSED, CLEAVAGE.

I MEAN, JUST, YOU KNOW,FIRST CLASS ALL THE WAY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,

BUT NEW YORK HAS SO MUCH

CULTURAL AND HISTORICALDIVERSITY, STRIP CLUBS.

YOU KNOW, I WAS TALKING TO A...

NO, SERIOUS, I WAS TALKINGTO A FRIEND OF MINE

EARLIER THIS WEEK, LAP DANCING.

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUTHOW FRESH THE AIR SMELLS, VOMIT.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'STHAT TIME OF THE YEAR OR WHAT

BUT JUST WALKING AROUND,IT'S JUST NICE, YOU KNOW.

I WENT OUT TO QUEENS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAYABOUT PEOPLE IN QUEENS.

I THINK THEY'RE VERYSOPHISTICATED WHITE TRASH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DOFOR A LIVING.

NO, I THINK SO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO

FOR A LIVING OUT THERE,SLUMLORDS

BUT I THINK THEY'RE VERY,VERY SUCCESSFUL, DRUG DEALERS

AND THAT'S A GOOD SIGN,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE I SAID,I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES NOW.

I LIVE IN A VERY RITZYNEIGHBORHOOD, TRAILER PARK

AND YOU KNOW,I THINK IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY

ABOUT PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES.

THEY ARE IN REALLY, REALLYGREAT SHAPE, BOOB JOBS.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FROM,YOU KNOW

EXERCISING, LIPOSUCTION,OR WHAT, BUT MAN

JUST HEALTHY LOOKING, GREATLOOKING SOFT-SKIN, LEATHER

AND JUST AN OVERALL HEALTHYATTITUDE, PROZAC.

I THINK THAT'S A NICE SIGN.

I LOVE THE BIG CITIES

BECAUSE I'M A PEOPLE-WATCHER,PEEPING TOM.

THAT'S WHAT I DO, YOU KNOW.

I LIKE TO, UH... YEAH,I LIKE WATCHING PEOPLE

AND YOU CAN TELL A LOT

ABOUT SOMEBODY BY THEIRAPPEARANCE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, TAKE THIS GUYFOR EXAMPLE, PERVERT.

I DON'T KNOW HIM AT ALL,YOU KNOW?

BUT SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY

OBVIOUSLY MAKINGA FASHION STATEMENT, K-MART

AND THAT'S GOOD, YOU KNOW?

AND YOU CAN TELLJUST BY LOOKING A HIM

HE'S GOT A LOT OF SELF-PRIDE,CHEAP BASTARD

AND THAT'S GOOD, YOU KNOW.

NOT ONLY SELF-PRIDE

BUT HE'S GOT A GOOD HANDLEON THINGS, HUNG OVER.

IT'S JUST THE WAYI SEE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

AND THE SAME WITH THIS GUYOVER HERE, STALKER.

I DON'T KNOW HIMFROM ADAM EITHER, BUT...

OBVIOUSLY A WONDERFUL PERSON,CROSS-DRESSER

AND, YOU KNOW,THAT'S COMMENDABLE.

YOU DESERVE A LOT OF CREDIT,BIG WEDGIE.

I JUST LIKE LOOKING AT PEOPLE.

YOU MEET A LOT OF PEOPLEDOING THIS.

THAT'S THE FUN THING.

I WAS TALKING TO THESE THREELADIES TONIGHT EARLIER, HOOKERS

AND WE THOUGHT MAYBEAFTER THE SHOW

WE THOUGHT MAYBE, YOU KNOW,GO OUT AND GET SOME COFFEE

AND JUST TALK, HOT SEX,BECAUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

I'M A PEOPLE PERSON,JEFFREY DAHMER.

THAT'S WHAT I DO, YOU KNOW?

STANDING OVATION, WELL, LISTEN.

YOU HAD A GREAT TIME.I WAS VERY FUNNY.

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