Extended - Thursday, January 22, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 01/22/2015

Chris Parnell, Judy Greer and Aisha Tyler of "Archer" hear a feminist rap song, list #SnotQuotes and title strange performance art pieces on this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)AT THE RISK OF BEING HORRIBLY

KILLED ON THE INTERNET, IT SEEMSTO ME LIKE THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT

IS MISSING SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, A VOICE THEY COULD...

(AUDIENCE GROANING, LAUGHTER)YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I'M

GOING WITH THIS YET.

(LAUGHTER)YOU STARTED JUDGING BEFORE YOU

HEARD THE WHOLE STORY.

YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE INTERNET.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)HANG ON.

CHICKS, TAKE IT EASY.

(LAUGHTER)UH...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)HI. MY NAME IS CHRIS HARDWICK.

I'LL BE ON JEZEBEL ON FRIDAY.

(LAUGHTER, GROANING & APPLAUSE)YOU KNOW, I'M JUST SAYING I

THINK WOMEN REALLY NEED A VOICETHEY CAN RALLY AROUND, ALL

RIGHT?

AND WHAT THEY NEED, I THINK, IS100% THIS GUY.

>> ♪ TREAT ALL WOMENWITH RESPECT, I SAY. ♪

>> ♪ HEAD'S UP, GUYSI'M TALKING TO YOU

LIFE'S NOT EASY♪ SO WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

STEP TO THE PLATE AND BE A MANNEVER HIT A WOMAN

♪ OR ABUSE A CHILDIT'S JUST WRONG

AND ILLEGAL, TOO♪ SOME DAY IT WILL CATCH UP

WITH YOU. ♪(LAUGHTER)

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

(APPLAUSE)WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS MAN,

YOU'RE, LIKE, HE'S DOING THISFOR COMMUNITY SERVICE, RIGHT?

HE'S BEING FORCED TO...

AND NOT EVEN GONNA TRY TO RHYME?

♪ ABUSE A WOMANOR ABUSE A CHILD. ♪ NOPE, NOPE.

I FREESTYLE.

>> THAT'S CALLED PROSE, CHRIS.

THAT'S PROSE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S PROSE, YEAH.

YEAH, I KNOW, I'M SORRY.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THIS IS, UH, DADDY DADA WITH THENEW HIT, UH, "TREAT ALL WOMEN

WITH RESPECT."

NOW, THIS IS A PHENOMENALMESSAGE THAT WE CAN ALL GET

BEHIND-- DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ISBAD, WRONG, EVIL-- BUT IF THIS

GUY CAN RAP, ANYONE CAN BREAKTHE BEAT.

SO, COMEDIANS, GIVE ME A QUICKFREESTYLE LINE WITH A SOCIALLY

CONSCIOUS MESSAGE OF YOURCHOOSING.

CHRIS PARNELL, PLEASE BEGIN.

>> ♪ I LEARNED THE HARD WAYAND HAD TO PAY

TAKE YOUR HEART MEDICATIONEVERY DAY. ♪

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)(WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: AISHA.

>> UH... ♪ I'M NOT TRYINGTO BE CRUEL

I DON'T WANT TO BE MEAN♪ BETTER MAKE SURE THAT BITCH

IS OVER 18! ♪>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

>> BUT HONESTLY...

HONESTLY, YOU GUYS...

HONESTLY...

>> DEPENDS ON WHAT STATE YOU'REIN!

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT ONLY... THAT ONLY PLAYED

'CAUSE I'M BLACK.

IT JUST WORKED 'CAUSE I'M BLACK.

>> HARDWICK: NO, NO. YEAH.

>> WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

>> HARDWICK: WELL...

GOOD NEWS FOR SAD-SACKSINGLETONS WHO HAVE BEEN LYING

TO FRIENDS ABOUT HAVING ATOTALLY HOT, TOTALLY REAL

GIRLFRIEND.

A NEW SERVICE CALLEDINVISIBLEGIRLFRIEND.COM NOW

LETS YOU PAY... TO RECEIVEPERSONALIZED TEXTS AND PHOTOS

FROM YOUR GIRLFRIEND FROM OUT OFTOWN.

STOP WRITING THAT DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)>> BELIEVABLE...?

>> HARDWICK: TOTALLY BELIEVABLE!

>> BELIEVABLE SOCIAL PROOF!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, HERE IT IS.

UH, SOMEWHERE MANTI TE'O JUSTSAID, "OH, WAIT, FOR REAL?

HOW MUCH?" UH...

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

BECAUSE...

FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF 25AMERICAN DOLLARS, YOU WILL GET

100 TEXTS AND TEN VOICE MAILS.

(LAUGHTER, GASPING)AND DON'T WORRY, LADIES, IF YOU

HAVE MULTIPLE CATS, THERE'S ALSOINVISIBLE BOYFRIENDS WHO...

JUDGING BY THEIR LOGO, UH, WILLHAIL FROM INVISIBLE BROOKLYN.

(LAUGHTER)APPARENTLY, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

TO WRITE A BACKSTORY...

APPARENTLY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO ISTO WRITE A BACKSTORY ABOUT HOW

YOU AND YOUR INVISIBLEGIRLFRIEND MET.

SO, COMEDIANS, LET'S SAY WE'REALL PAYING FOR INVISIBLE LOVE.

TELL US, HOW DID YOU MEET YOURLADY AGAIN, UH, CHRIS PARNELL?

>> UH, SHE WAS DOING TECHSUPPORT FOR AN APP I BOUGHT THAT

SIMULATES A FAKE GIRLFRIEND.

OH, SHIT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, YOU BLEW IT

WITH THAT, 'CAUSE IT'S... YOUTOTALLY GAVE IT AWAY.

(APPLAUSE)UM, JUDY GREER, UH, TELL US

ABOUT YOUR INVISIBLE BOYFRIEND.

>> OH, UM, OKAY.

WELL, I WAS WORKING AS A HOOKERON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD...

(LAUGHTER)...WHEN HE DROVE UP IN A LOTUS

ESPRIT, BUT HE COULDN'T SHIFT ITRIGHT, AND HE NEEDED DIRECTIONS

TO THE REGENT BEVERLY WILSHIRE,SO...

(LAUGHTER)...I TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD

GIVE HIM DIRECTIONS, AND THEN HEASKED ME TO JUST DRIVE HIM

THERE, 'CAUSE I TOLD HIM THAT HEWAS GONNA RUIN HIS CAR.

AND SO HE DROVE ME THERE, ANDTHEN...

>> HARDWICK: I HAVE A QUESTION.

I HAVE A QUESTION.

UH, DID THIS GUY LOOK LIKERICHARD GERE?

(LAUGHTER)OKAY. DID HE GET MAD AT YOU AND

THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING DRUGS,BUT YOU WERE JUST FLOSSING YOUR

TEETH?

>> YEAH, 'CAUSE, UM...

>> HARDWICK: NO, THAT'S "PRETTYWOMAN."

YOU'RE JUST DESCRIBING "PRETTYWOMAN."

>> NO, I SWEAR TO GOD!

I SWEAR TO GOD!

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, POINTS. ANYWAY...

>> I SWEAR TO GOD(GREER GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

>> HARDWICK: NOW I WANT TO WATCH"PRETTY WOMAN"!

AISHA.

>> UH, WELL, UM, I GOT DRUNK ONINVISIBLE BOOZE AND THEN I PAID

HIM TO GIVE ME AN IMAGINARY,UH... BLOW JOB, AND THEN...

(LAUGHTER)...HE REALLY LIKES TO SAVE

MONEY, SO HE STAYED.

>> HARDWICK: NICE. PERFECT.

POINTS.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)I MEAN...

I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT ALLTHOSE IMAGINARY BLOW JOBS I'VE

HAD.

(LAUGHTER)ALMOST ALL OF THEM. UH...

(LAUGHTER)NOW, UH, LAST WEDNESDAY WAS A

REALLY FUN SHOW-- I DON'T KNOWIF YOU GUYS SAW IT.

I MADE AN IMPASSIONED PLEA ABOUTFREEING THE NIPPLE IN PERKY

DEFIANCE OF OUR RIDICULOUSCENSORSHIP RULES.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)#FREETHENIPPLE.

AND FOR ONCE... FOR ONCE, IACTUALLY FELT GOOD ABOUT USING

THIS PLATFORM FOR AN ADMIRABLECAUSE.

INSTEAD OF JUST SHOWING GIFS OFDOGS FARTING OR WHATEVER THE

FUCK WE DO ON THIS SHOW-- I'MASLEEP HALF THE TIME.

BUT, OF COURSE, THE INTERNET,WITH ITS INTERNET WAYS WENT...

AND DID THIS WONDERFUL THING.

>> AND AS HE STARTS TALKING...

IT'S WIGGLING IN THE AIR!

(GROANS, LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: FINE! FINE!

YOU CAUGHT ME!

I'M A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

I HAD A DANGLER HANGING FROM MYNOSE.

IT'S VERY COLD IN THE STUDIO.

WHILE I AM SURPRISED THAT THEREARE PEOPLE WHO USE THE TERM

"DANGLER" IN THE WORLD, IAPPRECIATE THE HEADS-UP, AS NONE

OF YOU PEOPLE BOTHERED TO TELLME WHAT WAS GOING ON!

(LAUGHTER)BE A BRO NEXT TIME!

(APPLAUSE)SO, COMEDIANS...

(WHOOPING)THANKS.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS A WAY YOUCOULD HAVE DISCREETLY INFORMED

ME THAT I HAD A DANGLER?

CHRIS PARNELL.

>> UH... I THINK YOU GOT ATRAFFIC JAM ON THE COCAINE

HIGHWAY.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

JUDY GREER.

>> UM, LOOK!

THERE'S A BABY COYOTE!

AND A BOOGER IN YOUR NOSE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: BUT A BABY COYOTE.

POINTS.

AISHA.

>> UH, CHRIS, ARE YOU A DISCODANCER?

'CAUSE YOUR NOSE THINKS IT'SBOOGER NIGHT!

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YEAH. YEAH.

THESE ARE ALL GOOD ANSWERS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(WHOOPING)WHILE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF

SNOT, OR SNOT-PIC, I GUESS,UH... I CANNOT BE THE ONLY

PERSON WHO'S BOOGED OUT IN THEMIDDLE OF A HEARTFELT SPEECH, SO

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#SNOTQUOTES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE...

>> YUCKY.

>> ASK SNOT WHAT YOU CAN DO FORYOUR COUNTRY...

OR-- WE'RE GONNA NEED A BOOGERBOAT.

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK. AND BEGIN!

AISHA.

>> I AM SNOT-ACUS!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. JUDY.

>> NOBODY PUTS BOOGERS IN ACORNER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> I THINK THIS IS GONNA BE THESTART OF A BEAUTIFUL

PHLEGM-SHIP.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AISHA.

>> PICK OR PICK NOT, THERE IS NOTRY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JUDY.

>> UM... SNOT-STA LA VISTA,BOOGIE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS(BELL DINGS)

CHRIS.

>> HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

BEING AROUND LONG-HAIRED CATS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAYPERFORMANSHART.

PERFORMANSHART.

I MEAN...

WHATEVER, ART'S OKAY, I GUESS.

I MEAN...

IT'S USUALLY THE ARTISTS THATSUCK, AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO

THE BANKSY.

SO I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SOME CLIPSOF PERFORMANCE ARTISTS AND FOR

250 POINTS I WOULD LIKE YOU TOGIVE ME A TITLE FOR THEIR WEIRD

ART PIECE.

FIRST ONE, THIS HAPPY COUPLE.

>> (BOTH VOCALIZING)(BELL DINGS)

>> HARDWICK: AISHA.

>> AND THEY NEVER FUCKED AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS, POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> WOMEN.

AM I RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JUDY GREER.

>> BUYING A NEW CAR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DEFINITELY.

NEXT ONE, THIS JAPANESELATE-FOR-WORK ROBOT.

(BELL DINGS)JAPAN, WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING

THESE AWFUL THINGS?

YOU HURT ME.

CHRIS.

>> UPSKIRT CHARLIE.

>> HARDWICK: JUDY.

>> UM, THE LITTLE ASIAN THATCOULD.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

AISHA.

>> I DISHONOR FAMILY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

EXCELLENT.

NEXT ONE, THIS COURTNEY LOVER.

>> (GRUNTING)(BELL DINGS)

>> HARDWICK: AISHA.

>> THAT IS THE LAST TIME I LETYOU COME IN MY HAIR.

NEVER AGAIN.

NEVER AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE...

>> NEVER AGAIN.

>> HARDWICK: POINT OF ORDER:IF A GUY SHOT A LOAD THAT SIZE,

YOU'D BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, THATWAS PRETTY GOOD, LIKE, THAT WAS

REALLY GOOD, LIKE..."

>> WAIT A MINUTE, MAYBE THEFIRST TIME.

I GOT TO BUY STOCK IN PANTENE ATTHIS POINT.

FORGET IT.

>> HARDWICK: JUDY.

>> BY THE WAY, IT DOES NOTCONDITION YOUR HAIR LIKE HE SAID

IT WOULD.

>> HARDWICK: NO.

NO!

IT PROVIDES PROTEIN, WHICH ISWHY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SWALLOW

IT.

>> NO.

BOO!

>> HARDWICK: AAH!

AAH!

>> AAH!

>> HARDWICK: UH, JUDY.

>> UM, WE'LL JUST TAKE THECHECK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS PARNELL.

>> UH, DAVID CRONENBERG DIRECTSAND EPISODE OF "THE MINDY

PROJECT".

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

THAT... THAT WOULD BE SUCH ANAMAZING IDEA.

SUCH AN AMAZING IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, THIS GUY'SBEEN LIVING IN A BEAR CARCASS

FOR 13 DAYS AND HIS LOCAL NEWSSTATION IS ALL OVER THE STORY.

>> THE LATEST WORK OF ABRAHAMPOINCHEVAL, A FRENCH PERFORMANCE

ARTIST, INVOLVES HIM LIVINGINSIDE OF A BEAR CARCASS FOR 13

DAYS.

>> HARDWICK: OH, JESUS CHRIST.

(BELL DINGS)UH... AISHA.

>> MAN, BROOKLYN IS REALLYSTARTING TO SUCK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

YUP.

JUDY.

>> UM, HIDE AND SEEK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> UH, FRENCHY WASTES HIS TRUSTFUND.

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK (FRENCH ACCENT): IDIDN'T KNOW-- I THOUGHT IT WAS

THE OTHER KIND OF BEAR.

>> THE SEXY... THE SEXY, FAT,GAY ONE.

>> HARDWICK: THE SEXY KIND.

THERE'S NOT ONE LEATHER HARNESSON THIS BEAR.

>> WHEN AM I GOING TO HAVE MYCOCAINE AND MY SEX?

>> HARDWICK: I ENJOY THECOCAINE.

WHERE IS MY IMAGINARY BLOW JOB?

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE, THISOFF-DUTY WET NURSE.

♪ >> YEAH.

THIS IS THE WORST.

>> I HATE HER.

>> AND I FEEL LIKE I KNOW HER.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: CHRIS.

>> LOOK AT ME, I'M WASTING MILK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

JUDY.

>> AMERICAN APPAREL'S SUMMERCATALOG.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S GENIUS.

POINTS.

AISHA.

>> IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THEBASKET.

>> HARDWICK: YES, OF COURSE,POINTS.

POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU ADUTCH OFFICE WHERE WORKERS ARE

BANNED FROM SITTING AND ASKEDYOU TO DRAFT A MEMO ABOUT THE

NEXT TERRIBLE OFFICE POLICY.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

MISS JUDY GREER, LET'S STARTWITH YOU.

>> EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, CASUALFRIDAY HAS NOW BECOME BLACK TIE

FRIDAY.

PLEASE MAKE A NOTE OF IT.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT A TERRIBLEOFFICE.

CHRIS PARNELL.

>> THE DOOR HANDLE OF EVERY FIREEXIT WILL NOW BE FITTED WITH A

PRECARIOUSLY IMBALANCED JAR OFBEES.

IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE, PLEASEREFRAIN FROM JOSTLING THE JAR OF

BEES.

>> HARDWICK: EXCELLENT.

AISHA.

>> UH, HEY, EVERYONE, SOME OFYOU HAVEN'T GIVEN MY ASSISTANT

KATHY YOUR MEASUREMENTS.

WE CAN'T HAVE S AND M ORGYTUESDAYS IF WE DON'T HAVE YOUR

BUTT PLUG SIZE.

>> HARDWICK: OH, SERIOUSLY.

COME ON.

OUR NEXT GAME, AMAZON GIFTS: GUYFIERI.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)IT'S THE 47TH BIRTHDAY OF

WALKING GARLIC POTATO WEDGE, GUYFIERI.

>> AW.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

LOOK, LOOK... OKAY, LOOK, I GETIT.

I KNOW WE'VE TAKEN A LOT OFSHOTS AT GUY ON THE SHOW, BUT,

YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING WE DO HEREIS OUT OF LOVE, LOVE FOR THAT

RIDICULOUS VODKA-BLOND GOATTAINT OF A MAN.

WE LOVE HIM.

LOOK AT HIM HAVING FUN.

OH, D'OH!

SO, COMEDIANS, LET'S TRY TO GIVESOME LOVE TO GUY FIERI BY

LISTING THE GUY-TASTIC GIFTSYOU'D BUY FOR HIM ON AMAZON.

YOU KNOW, LIKE NACHO CHEESE BODYWASH OR A... OR A... OR A TAPOUT

MAN BRA.

UH... BUT WAIT, IF YOU WANT TOPLAY ALONG AT HOME, UH, TWEET

YOUR OWN GUY FIERI GIFTS AND TAG'EM #POINTSME AND YOU CAN END UP

COMPETING ON A FU... A FUTUREEPISODE OF THIS SHOW.

UH, LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK RIGHT NOW.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)JUDY.

>> A MIRROR.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)AISHA.

>> ED HARDY LIPITOR.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JUDY.

>> ONE HONEST FRIEND.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)CHRIS.

>> UM, A FLAME JEWELED BLAZERFROM BROOKS BRAHS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. BROOKS BRAHS.

THAT'S GENIUS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, JUDY.

>> UH, JUST A CLEAN REFLECTIVESURFACE.

>> HARDWICK: JUST TO SEE...

POINTS.

>> SEE.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: CHRIS.

>> A STARBUCKS GIFT CARD.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

EVERYONE NEEDS ONE OF THOSE.

COME ON.

(BELL DINGS)A LITTLE LATTE. JUDY.

>> UM, A-A VISOR MIRROR.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)AISHA.

>> A COUPON FOR A BACKRUB FROMTHE LEAD SINGER OF PUDDLE OF

MUDD.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JUDY.

>> UM, AN INTERVENTION.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)(BELL DINGS)

AISHA.

>> SOMETHING TO GET THE SMELL OFPAULA DEEN OFF HIS FINGERS.

(GROANING, LAUGHTER)WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> BECAUSE THEY... BECAUSE THEYMADE SWEET, SWEET, PASSIONATE

LOVE.

>> HARDWICK: D... AISHA, THIS ISWHY PAULA DEEN HATES BLACK

PEOPLE.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)>> LOOK, IF SHE CALLED ME ON

THE PHONE, I'D BE HAPPY TO GETHER ALL OVER MY FINGERS.

'CAUSE I BET HER PUSSY SMELLSLIKE BUTTER.

>> HARDWICK: THAT...

>> I WOULDN'T BET ON THAT.