Tuesday, September 16, 2014

  • 09/16/2014

Kevin Smith, Justin Long and Jen Kirkman rename the next installment of "The Hobbit," list #HipsterComicBooks and guess the prices of strange eBay items.

>> Chris: IT'S 11:59 AND 59SECONDS.

THIS HAPPENED ON YOUTUBE TODAY!

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSSTWO DADS IN THEIR 40s, AN

ACOUSTIC GUITAR, A DISINTERESTEDTEEN, AND A BAT ON AN AFTERNOON

CAMPOUT?

RABIES!

( LAUGHTER )

>> IT'S A BAT!>> HOLY ( BLEEP ).

THAT (BLEEP) WAS FOR REAL!

THAT NOCTURNAL RODENT WASAPPARENTLY ANNOYED BY BEING

AWOKEN TO THE CAST OF "TWO AND AHALF MEN" CUTTING AN ALBUM THAT

CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS MUMFORDAND DADS.

APPARENTLY, THE INTERNET HASTAKEN THE BAT'S SIDE IN THE

MATTER BECAUSE THE VIDEO HASNEARLY 300,000 VIEWS IN LESS

THAN A WEEK.

FORTUNATELY, THE GUITARIST WASFINE AND WAS TREATED AT A LOCAL

OREGON HOSPITAL FOR RABIES.

THEY PROBABLY POURED ONE OFTHEIR FINE LOCAL COFFEES ON IT.

BITCHED ABOUT HOW HE'S A TOURISTBECAUSE IT WASN'T THE LOCALIST

OF COFFEES THAT HE COULD'VEFOUND.

COMEDIANS, WHAT WOULD YOU CALLTHIS DAD JAM BAND?

KEVIN SMITH GO.

>> BASED ON THE BAT AND THEMUSIC I COULD CALL IT GOTH-AM.

>> Chris: NICE. PERFECT. WELLDONE.

AND A PERFECT TIE-IN WITHTHE BAT -- JUSTIN LONG.

>> CONTINUING WITH THE THEME.

I'M GOING TO GO BAT COMPANY.

>> Chris: NICE! YEAH.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> CROSBY STILLS AND GASH INMY NECK BECAUSE A BAT BIT ME.

>> Chris: NICE, OKAY GOOD.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IN RESPONSE TO CUSTOMER DEMANDS,APPLE HAS FINALLY RELEASED

INFORMATION ON HOW TO GET THATTHE SHALL WE SAY LESS THAN WELL

RECEIVED U2 ALBUM OFF YOURIPHONE, SO YOU HAVE MORE ROOM

FOR PICTURES OF YOUR CAT EATINGBACON CRONUTS.

FOR THOSE OF YOU LIVING UNDER ASOFT ROCK, APPLE RELAESED THE

NEW U2 ALBUM SONGS OF INNOCENCEONTO EVERY APPLE DEVICE.

AND BY RELEASING, WE MEANSHOOTING THE SEED INTO YOUR

iPHONE AND IMPREGNANTING IT WITHA SONG BABY YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

HOW DARE YOU.

I ONLY WANT FREE THINGS WHEN IWANT FREE THINGS, NOT WHEN THE

INTERNET WANTS TO GIVE ME FREETHINGS.

( BLEEP ) YOU, INTERNET! -- OK,GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK.

I'M SO MAD!

COMEDIANS, LET'S ASSUME YOU'VEALREADY DELETED THE NEW U2

ALBUM.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER THINGS YOUWOULD LIKE TO REMOVE FROM YOUR

iPHONE?

KEVIN SMITH?

>> I MEAN, REALLY TELLTALE DICKPICS.

TELLTALE BECAUSE I HAVE THEGUTS, AND YOU'RE LOOKING OVER

THE MOUNTAINS AND THERE'S THETOP OF SMURF'S HOUSE.

>> CHRIS: NO, NO, NO, WAIT AMINUTE.

THAT-- I FEEL LIKE-- IF THATWERE A FETISH, THAT WOULD BE

CALLED AN ECLIPSE.

( LAUGHTER )>> NO, NO, MAN.

IT'S CALLED A GARGAMEL.

>> CHRIS: OH GOOD, GOOD. POINTS.JEN KIRMMAN.

>> THE THREE ACOUSTIC ANDEXTENDED REMIXED VERSIONS I

HAVE OF GEORGE MICHAELS'S, "IWANT YOUR SEX."

>> CHRIS: BUT THEY'RE ALL SOGOOD.

>> IS THAT YOUR MASTURBATIONSONG?

WHY DID YOU BUY IT THREE TIMES?

>> BECAUSE I WAS DRIVING WHILEMASTURBATING--

>> CHRIS: WAIT A MINUTE.

WHO MASTUBATES TO A SONG?

>> I'M SORRY, CHRIS.

IT'S BEEN A DRY SPELL!

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )THE NEW HOBBIT MOVIE "THE BATTLE

OF THE FIVE ARMIES," HITSTHEATERS IN DECEMBER, BUT THE

DENIZENS OF THE INTERNET AREALREADY GETTING THEIR

HOBBIT-HOLES ALL MOIST WITHANTICIPATION.

THERE'S NO TRAILERS OR TEASERSOUT YET, BUT THERE IS A

TAPESTRY.

ew.com UNVEILED AN INCREDIBLYDETAILED POSTER FOR THE MOVIE.

WHICH IS GORGEOUS AND IT'S GOTTHSI REALLY GREAT FEATURE WHERE

YOU CAN USE A VIRTUAL MAGNIFYINGGLASS TO APPRECIATE ALL ITS

NUANCES.

IT'S ALREADY BEEN ON FACEBOOKAND I'M SURE YOU HAVE SEEN IT.

SO WE ADDED A FEW THINGS FOREAGLE-EYED HOBBIT FANS.

OKAY, SO LET'S START -- THERE'S-- KEVIN HART.

HE'S IN EVERYTHING.

THE TARDIS.

OH, THERE'S PATRICK STEWART,'CUASE HE FOLLOWS GANDALF

EVERYWHERE.

GUY FIERI BECAUSE HE LOVES BEINGAROUND FLAMES AS EVIDENCED BY

HIS WARDROBE.

AND OF COURSE, DISASTER GIRL.

IT'S ALWAYS DIASTER GIRL, SHE'SALWAYS TO BLAME.

THE HOBBIT MOVIES HAVE EPICNAMES LIKE "THE BATTLE OF FIVE

ARMIES" AND "DESOLATION OFSMAUG."

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH A NAME FOR THE

NEXT HOBBIT MOVIE THAT WOULDMAKE YOU WANT TO WATCH IT.

JUSTIN LONG.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITHSOMETHING GENERIC LIKE - THEY'RE

RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS AND I THINKTHEY SHOULD BE TAKEN TO TASK FOR

THAT.

I THINK IT SHOULD BE HOBBITS--THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

IN HONOR OF OUR ESTEEMED COMICBOOK STORE OWNER TURNED

PANELIST KEVIN SMITH,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#HIPSTERCOMICBOOKS. EXAMPLESWOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE

BAT MEH, OR V FOR VEGAN, ORCY-CURIOUS-CLOPS.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> I'M A MUSICIAN.

I'VE NEVER SWUNG A BAT, MAN.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, GOOD, POINTS, ILIKE IT.

KEVIN.

>> THE PABST.

>> CHRIS: GOOD, POINTS.

I GOT IT.

JEN.

>> CAT EYE GLASS WOMAN.

>> CHRIS: OKAY, YEAH, YEAH.

JUSTIN.

>> THE FARMER'S MARKETEER.

>> CHRIS: GOOD, POINTS.

GOOD JOB.

JUSTIN.

>> THE SILVER LAKE SURFER.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS! KEVIN.

>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH MUMFORDAND RED SONS OF KRYPTON.

>> CHRIS: ANOTHER GOOD, POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> SPIDER COMMA MAN.

>> CHRIS: JUSTIN.

>> THE BARISTA!

>> CHRIS: YES.

( APPLAUSE )POINTS.

JEN.

>> I DON'T OWN AN IRON, MAN.

DAMNIT. IT STILL WORKS.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY YOUR FAVORITEEBAY-BASED GAME SHOW

SPOOF-EM-UP, "EBAY PRICE ISRIGHT."

♪ ♪COMEDIANS, COME ON DOWN!

OH, YOU'RE ALREADY HERE.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU ASELECTION OF FANTASTIC ITEMS

FROM POPULAR ONLINE AUCTION SITEE-BAY.

THE COMEDIAN WHO COMES CLOSESTTO THE ACTUAL EBAY PRICE WITHOUT

GOING OVER WILL WIN BRAND NEWPOINTS!

HERE'S OUR FIRST ITEM UP FORBIDS.

A WOLVERINE FUR HAT! A WOLVERINEFUR HAT!

NOW -- THIS DELIGHTFUL ITEM ISUSED--

THAT MAY BE WHERE THE ANIMALCRAWLED UP AND DIED.

WE'RE NOT 100% SURE.

AUTHENTIC, VERY MUCH REAL.

KEVIN.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY 50 BUCKSBECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I PAID FOR

MY WOLVERINE FUR HAT LAST WEEK.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

JUSTIN LONG.

>> I MET THE GUY ON MY SCRUFFAPP LAST NIGHT AND HE TOLD ME IT

WAS ACTUALLY $176.

>> CHRIS: $176.

VERY HIGH, VERY HIGH, JUSTINLONG.

VERY HIGH.

JEN.

>> NO COACHING!

NO COACHING!

>> CHRIS: I LIKE THAT JUSTIN WASSCREAMING PRICES.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY $165 BECAUSETHAT'S WHAT I PAID FOR MY

WOLVERINE FUR HAT.

>> CHRIS: OKAY $165 FOR JEN.

ACTUAL RETAIL PRICE OF VOLVEWEAN FUR HAT IS -- $52!

KEVIN SMITH GETS THE PRIZE!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HERE'S OUR NEXT ITEM UP FOR BID.

IT'S A MINI COOPER!

WAIT FOR IT...

IT'S A 23 INCH TALL MINIANDERSON COOPER DRESSED IN

STREET WEAR. HEADSTICK IS HEAVYOAK WITH TRIGGER-CONTROL

FOR OPEN AND CLOSE MOUTH -- FORNO QUESTIONS ASKED.

COMEDIANS, WHAT DO YOU BID FORTHIS VENTRILO-GASM?

JEN KIRMAN.

>> I THINK SO IT'S $126.

>> CHRIS: YOU THINK $120, OKJUSTIN.

>> CONSIDERING IT'S ANDERSONCOOPER, I'M JUST GOING TO COME

OUT AND SAY--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NO, NO, NO.>> CHRIS: NO.

>> I'M GOING TO COME OUT AND SAY$467.

>> CHRIS: $467.

THAT'S EXCEPTIONALLY HIGH.

ACTUALLY-- KEVIN.

( CHEERS )>> LET ME SEE, I'M LOOKING AT

THIS AND THINKING 200 BUCKS ANDHERE'S WHY.

NEVER MIND 360 WITH ANDERSONCOOPER.

YOU COULD HAVE A 69 WITHANDERSON COOPER.

>> TRUE, I DIDN'T THINK ABOUTTHAT.

>> 200 BUCKS.

>> CHRIS: ACTUAL RETAIL PRICE OFMINI COOPER IS $360,000.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> CHRIS: JUSTIN LONG WAYUNDERBID.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,SMOKING POLLS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT'S RARE THAT WE MENTION

FLORIDA ON THIS SHOW WITHOUTBEING FOLLOWED BY THE WORD

"MAN ARRESTED" BUT TONIGHT WEARE DOING JUST THAT.

ON NOVEMBER 4, FLORIDA WILL VOTEON PROP 2, THE RIGHT TO MEDICAL

MARIJUANA INITIATIVE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )NOW WAIT A MINUTE BEFORE YOU

START WITH THAT BUSINESS --

BEFORE YOU START WITH THAT ANDKEVIN STRARTS BOOKING A PODCAST

TOUR OF ORLANDO --LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HOW THEY

CHOSE TO PUSH THIS INITIATIVE --

AND THEN WE'LL SEE.

♪ OH, YES, IT'S WEEDYOU'RE THE ONE THAT I WANT

♪♪ YOU ARE THE LAW I WANT. YESI DO. ♪♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT TURNS OUT THAT THE ONLY WAY

TO CONNECT WITH A POPULATIONTHAT'S OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A

LIVING MEMORY OF HIGH SCHOOL INTHE 1950 THEM. IT'S A PARODY.

GIVEN THAT THIS IS FLORIDA, IWANT YOU TO COME UP WITH OTHER

INITIATIVES WE CAN EXPECT TO SEEON THE BALLOT.

ARE YOU READY? 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

KEVIN.

>> I'M GONAN LIST ONE -- PROP69-A.

THAT IS WE TAKE TWO ARCHIPELAGOSAND PUT THEM AT THE BASE OF

FLORIDA SO IT DOES LOOK LIKEDICK AND BALLS.

>> CHRIS: OK GOOD GREAT. POINTS.JUSTIN.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY PROP 85--CAN WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS

HEAT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: JEN.

>> EVERY WOMAN'S BUSCH GARDENHAS TO BE BRAZILIAN WAXED.

>> CHRIS: YES GOOD. POINTS.

JUSTIN.

>> PROP 12, MANDATORY SISZURPIN PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH, 100 PERCENT.POINTS FOR JUSTIN.

JEN.

>> PROP 16-- ACTUALLY, KEEP THEKARDASHIANS FROM TAKING MIAMI.

CHRIS: NICE POINTS. JEN.

>> PROP 6, COUSINS WED FREE ATDISNEY WORLD ON WEDNESDAYS.