Pardo, Perkins, Allen, Layborne

  • Season 3, Ep 0308
  • 02/14/2000

WE'RE ALL THE SAME,DON'T YOU AGREE?

GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND.

ALL THESE STEREOTYPES.

STOP.

IT'S ABOUT LOVE, ALL RIGHT?

ALL THIS STEREOTYPING.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE DO IT, TOO.

WE GOT TO STOP IT.

WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T DANCE.

( laughter )

WHITE PEOPLE DANCETHEIR ASS OFF--

JUST DIFFERENT.

BLACK PEOPLE-- WE ARE SO PICKYWHEN IT COMES TO DANCING.

WE'RE THE ONLY RACE ON EARTHTHAT DANCES IN STYLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WE HAVE A DANCE THATCOMES IN STYLE...

WE DO THE HELL OUT OF IT

UNTIL IT GOES OUT OF STYLE.

AND THEN WE CAN NEVERDO IT AGAIN...

FOREVER.

( laughter )

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF ( bleep ).

THINK ABOUT IT.

THE ROCK... GONE.

BUMP... GONE.

ROBOT...

YOU KNOW THAT'S GONE.

CABBAGE PATCH... GONE.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS NOW.

AIN'T NOTHING LEFT.

( applause )

BLACK PEOPLE--WE THINK WE SO DAMN HIP.

SOME WHITE DANCESWE DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

RIVERDANCE.

THAT'S HARD.

THEY DON'T EVEN MOVE THEIR ARMS.

AND THEY SMILING, TOO.

THAT'S HARD TO DO.

SQUARE DANCING.

BLACKS DON'T SQUARE-DANCE. WHY?

'CAUSE WE CAN'T STANDTO BE TOLD NOTHING.

♪ SWING YOUR PARTNER...

OH, NO, NO, NO.

♪ PUMP IT UP, PUMP IT UP.

HIPPEST COUNTRY MUSICI EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE

WAS HONKY-TONK.

YOU EVER HEARD OF HONKY-TONK?

HONKY-TONK!

ANY TIME WHITE PEOPLECALL THEMSELVES HONKIES

YOU KNOW IT'S FUNKY.

BREAKING IT DOWNLIKE JAMES BROWN

BUT IT'S COUNTRY.

( imitating fiddle playing )

( laughter )

I'LL TELL YOU WHY, FOLKS.

I CAN'T GET LIQUORED UP.

TWO REASONS.

NUMBER ONE, LAST TIME I DRANK,I DROVE INTO A DITCH.

WHICH DOESN'T SOUND LIKETHAT BIG OF A DEAL

BUT I STOPPED AT THE DITCH,LOOKED LEFT AND RIGHT

THEN DROVE INTO THE DITCH.

THAT'S NOT A GOOD MORNING.

( laughter )

SO LAST SATURDAY,ABOUT TWO SATURDAYS AGO

I'M SITTING AROUND MY HOUSE

I'M DOING WHAT I DO,WHICH IS MY BUSINESS--

NONE OF YOURS.

THE PHONE RINGS,I PICK IT UP.

STANDARD PHONE PROCEDURE.

SOME FRIENDS OF MINEWANT TO KNOW

IF I WANT TO GOTO A RENAISSANCE FAIR.

HELL YES, I WANT TO GO!

( applause )

THANK CHRIST YOU CALLED.

I'M SITTING AROUND AND I'MGOING, WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

DO I WANT TO GOTO A PICNIC?

MAYBE A BALL GAME?

NO, I'D LIKE TO SEESOME JOUSTING.

I HAVEN'T SEEN A GOOD JOUSTSINCE THE HAGAR-ROTH OF '84.

THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A JOUST.

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,THAT WAS HAGAR'S COMEBACK JOUST.

WILL, COULD I GET A "G"OVER THERE, BY THE WAY?

♪ DE-DE-DE-DE...

WE'RE GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

( humming )

WE'RE GOOD.

AND, UH...

( scattered applause )

GIVE IT UP.

YOU HEAR THEM APPLAUDING.

LET'S GO.

YEP.

THAT'S HOW WE WORK IT.

WHENEVER YOU APPLAUD,WE ALL APPLAUD.

THAT'S HOW DADDY WORKS HIS SHOW.

ANYHOW, I, UH...

RECENTLY WENT AND SAW EYES WIDE SHUT.

DID YOU FOLKS SEE THAT FILM?

DID YOU SEE EYES WIDE SHUT?

YEAH.

YOU DIDN'T SEE IT?

PIECE OF GARBAGE.

NOT THE MOVIE--

YOU, FOR NOT SEEING IT.

GET UP OFF YOUR ASS.

WHAT'S IT TAKE TO SEEA NICE PICTURE WITH YOU?

WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE, LOVE STINKS?

GOD, HAVE YOU SEEN THE PREVIEWSFOR THAT MOVIE?

THAT LOOKS AWFUL.

I DON'T SEE THAT MOVIEIF IT'S PLAYING IN MY GLASSES.

THAT'S MY FIRST LOVE--

THE THEATER,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YOU GUYS KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

THE ORCHESTRA BACK THERE,YOU GUYS KNOW IT.

IT'S MY FIRST LOVE.

I'M WRITING A PLAY RIGHT NOW--

DIARY OF ANNE FRANK-- THE MUSICAL.

AND IT'S GOING TO BE BIG.

♪ WHERE IS SHE HIDING?WHERE IS SHE HIDING? ♪

TOMMY, PREPARE FOR THE DISMOUNT.

I WILL LEAVE YOU FOLKSWITH THIS.

WE'VE BEEN UP HERE A WHILE

BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTIONFOR YOU, SIR...

IS THIS YOUR CARD?

I'M A NON-DRINKER.

I TOLD MY FRIENDS I DON'T DRINK

BECAUSE ALCOHOLISM RUNSIN MY FAMILY.

AND YOU'D THINK MY FRIENDSWOULD RESPECT THAT--

BUT THEY DON'T.

EVERY TIME WE HANG OUTIT'S ALWAYS THE SAME THING.

MY FRIENDS ALWAYS LIKE,YO, DWAYNE...

YO, I KNOW YOU DON'T DRINK,RIGHT?

I'M SAYING,I KNOW YOU DON'T DRINK

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO GETDRUNK TONIGHT, BOY.

( laughter )

WE GOT BEER, WE GOT VODKA.

I'M LIKE, GET OFF MY BACK.

WHAT IF I HADA DIFFERENT PROBLEM?

THEY STILL WOULDN'T CARE.

MY FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE,YO, DWAYNE, COME HERE.

YO, I KNOW YOU'RELACTOSE INTOLERANT, RIGHT?

( laughter )

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO DRINKSOME MILK TONIGHT, BOY.

I'M SAYING, WE GOT COCOA PUFFS,WE GOT BROWNIES, MAN.

TALK TO THE LADIESFOR A SECOND.

LADIES, YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVETHAT GUY FRIEND?

THAT GUY FRIEND THAT YOU LIKEA LOT?

A WHOLE LOT?

BUT NOT "THAT WAY"?

YOU HAVE THAT FRIEND, YEAH?

IT'S WRONG, ALL RIGHT?

BECAUSE IF THE GUYHANGS OUT WITH YOU

YOU KNOW HE LIKES YOU.

I MEAN, WHY ELSE WOULD HEPUT UP WITH YOUR TALKING?

( laughter )

LADIES, WHEN YOU HAVEA GUY FRIEND

AND HE'S A GREAT GUYAND YOU STILL WON'T DATE HIM

DO YOU KNOW WHATTHAT'S LIKE FOR THE GUY?

IT'S LIKE GOINGON A JOB INTERVIEW, RIGHT?

AND HAVING THE GUYSAY THIS TO YOU--

WELL, MR. PERKINS, WOW,THIS IS A GREAT RESUME.

YOU HAVE THE EXPERIENCEWE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR--

WE LOVE YOUR ATTITUDE.

YOU'RE PERFECT FOR THIS JOB.

AND WE'RE NOT GOINGTO HIRE YOU.

NO, NO, WE'LL PROBABLYHIRE SOMEONE

WHO'S FAR LESS QUALIFIEDAND HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM.

BUT THIS IS A GREAT RESUME.

IN FACT, THIS IS THE RESUMEWE'RE GOING TO USE

TO JUDGEALL THE OTHER CANDIDATES.

NOW, WE'RE NOT GOINGTO HIRE YOU EVER.

BUT IS IT OKAY IF WE CALL YOUEVERY NOW AND THEN

TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE GUYWE DO HIRE?

SO I WENT TO THE LOBBYAND FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH

IN THE LOBBY OF THE HOTEL.

SECURITY GUARD WAKES ME UP

AND TELLS ME I CAN'T SLEEPON THE COUCH.

I'M LIKE, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

HE GOES, WE GET A LOT OFHOMELESS PEOPLE HERE

AND YOU CAN'T SLEEPON THE COUCH.

I LOOKED AT WHAT I WAS WEARING

'CAUSE I WAS KIND OF JIGGED OUT.

I WAS DRESSED UP, RIGHT.

( laughter )

I WAS DRESSED UP.

AND I'M LIKE,DAMN, DO I LOOK HOMELESS?

BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT COULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST DAYOF HOMELESSNESS.

( laughter )

YOU SEE, BECAUSE ON YOUR FIRSTDAY OF HOMELESSNESS

YOU DON'T LOOK THAT HOMELESS.

YOU DON'T STINK YET.

YOUR HAIR'S NOT MATTED DOWN.

YOU DON'T HAVETHE IMAGINARY FRIEND.

IT'S DAY ONE.

I GOT A PLAN FOR THE HOMELESS.

IF YOU'RE HOMELESSIN NEW YORK CITY

IT'S THE SUMMERTIME

YOU KNOW WINTER'S COMING, RIGHT?

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,WALK TO JERSEY.

NOW YOU'RE HOMELESSIN JERSEY, SEE?

AND THEN YOU WALK TO DELAWARE.

BY THE TIME THE WINTER COMES,YOU'LL BE HOMELESS IN FLORIDA.

YOU KNOW HOW BIRDS FLYSOUTH FOR THE WINTER?

I THINK HOMELESS PEOPLESHOULD WALK SOUTH

FOR THE WINTER.

IT'LL BE COOL THOUGH.

BECAUSE SAY THE HOMELESS PEOPLESTART WALKING EARLY--

YOU KNOW IT'S GOINGTO BE A COLD WINTER.

I DON'T THINK I'M TOUGH ENOUGHTO BE A RAPPER.

RAPPERS ON TV,THEY'RE PRETTY SCARY.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE THEM,YOU KNOW

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE

YO, MAN, YOU KNOWWHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M DOING RAP MUSIC

SO I WON'T HAVE TO DOWHAT I WAS DOING BEFORE.

YEAH.

'CAUSE IF I WASN'TDOING RAP MUSIC...

I'D BE ROBBING YOUR HOUSERIGHT NOW.

AND I USED TO BEA COMPUTER PROGRAMMER

SO YOU DON'T GOTTO BE SCARED OF ME.

WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?

YO, I'M DOING RAP MUSIC

SO I WON'T HAVE TO DOWHAT I WAS DOING BEFORE

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BECAUSE IF I WASN'TDOING RAP MUSIC...

I'D BE DESIGNINGWEBSITES RIGHT NOW.

( laughter and applause )

WEBSITE.

WHAT KIND OF RAPSWOULD I SAY, RIGHT?

YOU SEE ME ON STAGE LIKE

♪ JUST THROW YOUR DISKIN THE AIR ♪

♪ AND WAVE IT LIKEYOU JUST DON'T CARE ♪

♪ AND IF YOU'RE READY TO INSTALLSOME COOL SOFTWARE ♪

♪ SOMEBODY SAY, OH, YEAH.

Audience:♪ OH, YEAH.

♪ UH UH.

AND, UH, THEY'RE INTERVIEWINGJIMMY CARTER, RIGHT?

AND THEY KEPT REFERRING TO HIMAS "MR. PRESIDENT."

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

HE'S NOT THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE.

NOBODY CALLS ME "MR. BUSBOY."

( audience laughing )

YOU KNOW, THEY SAYYOU CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHATMY PARENTS SAY.

UH, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THELETTER FROM THEIR LAWYER SAID.

UH...

I'M ADOPTED AND...

I'M GLAD THAT MY PARENTSWERE HONEST ENOUGH WITH ME

TO TELL ME THAT I'M ADOPTED

BUT WHY EVERY DAY?

( laughing )

THAT SEEMS EXCESSIVE.

THAT SEEMS, UH...

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET

WHEN MY PARENTS FIRST TOLD MEI WAS ADOPTED

BECAUSE IT WASA VERY EMOTIONAL DAY

FOR EVERYONE IN MY WHOLE FAMILY

'CAUSE THAT WAS THE SAME DAY

MY PARENTS DECIDEDTO TELL MY BROTHER HE WAS GAY.

AND, UH...

THAT'S ROUGHON A FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

SO, BEFORE I DID THIS, UH,I WORKED FOR A WHILE

AT AN INVESTMENT BANK,WHICH WAS GREAT, AND, UH

THEY WERE KIND OF UPTIGHT,THOUGH.

SO I WAS SURPRISED WHEN ONE DAY,THEY CAME IN AND THEY SAID

"LEO, FROM NOW ON, EVERY FRIDAYIS GOING TO BE CASUAL DAY."

AND I SAID, "GREAT.

SO, WHAT I DID WASTHE NEXT FRIDAY

I WENT TO WORK TWO HOURS LATE...

AND, UH...

DRUNK AND I WORE A SUNDRESS.

THEY SAID THAT WAS TOO CASUAL.

THEY, UH, THEY SAID NO TO THAT.

SO, YOU GUYS EVER WAKE UPLAUGHING?

DID THAT EVER HAPPEN?

THAT HAPPENED TO MENOT TOO LONG AGO.

I WOKE UP CRACKING UPAND I HAD NO IDEA WHY

'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE, LIKE,A FUNNY DREAM OR ANYTHING.

RIGHT? SO I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS GOING ON.

BUT THEN I LOOKED OVER

AND NEXT TO ME IN THE BEDWAS A CLOWN.

( laughing )

DID YOU EVER WAKE UP CRYING?

NEVER?

THAT HAPPENED TO MENOT TOO LONG AGO

AND I... I DIDN'T KNOW WHY'CAUSE IT WAS WEIRD.

I DIDN'T HAVE A SAD DREAMOR ANYTHING

AND I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS GOING ON.

BUT THEN I LOOKED

AND OVER NEXT TO ME IN THE BEDWAS A DEAD CLOWN.

( laughing )

I'D LIKE TO TAKE A FEW MOMENTSTO TALK ABOUT RACISM, UH

'CAUSE IT'S A SERIOUS PROBLEM

AND I'M JEWISH AND I EXPERIENCEA LOT OF RACISM AS A JEW

PROBABLY EVEN MORETHAN MOST JEWS

'CAUSE I'M A MONEYLENDER AND....

( audience laughing )

SERIOUS, YEAH.

AND IT'S GETTING WORSE.

RACISM IS SPREADING.

IT'S SPREADINGALL OVER THE PLACE

AND THEY'RE GETTINGMORE SPECIFIC.

IT'S REALLY WEIRD.

I WAS ON THE INTERNET,AND I FOUND THAT

THERE IS ACTUALLY A GROUPOF ANTI-SEMITIC ARCHITECTS.

THEY DON'T BELIEVE THAT THEHOLOCAUST MUSEUM WAS EVER BUILT.

( audience laughing )

I'M ALWAYS TRYINGTO IMPROVE MYSELF AND, UH

DO YOU EVER NOTICE THATWHEN YOU TRY TO IMPROVE YOURSELF

PEOPLE DON'T SUPPORT YOU.

THEY GET JEALOUS.

THEY GET ENVIOUS.

LIKE FOR INSTANCE,I'VE BEEN SPENDING

TWO, SOMETIMES THREE HOURSA DAY EVERY DAY

FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS TEACHINGMYSELF SPANISH AND FRENCH

AT THE BANK MACHINE...

( laughing )

( scattered applause )

AND...

NEVER, UH, "IT'S GREAT.

YOU'RE EVOLVING AS A PERSON."

ALWAYS, "YOU IDIOT,GET OUT OF THE LINE!"

AND I'M LIKE, "JE NE COMPRENDS PAS, MONSIEUR, LA LECON."

GOOD EVENING.

MY NAME IS EMMY.

Man;WE LOVE YOU.

OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO.

THAT IS SO NICE TO HAVE PEOPLEOUT THERE WHO LOVE ME

BECAUSE I LOVE PEOPLE.

ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

AND, UH, THIS NEXT SONGIS ABOUT A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WHO ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

THIS SONG IS ABOUTA BUNCH OF PEOPLE

THAT OUR FAIR CITYCOULD NOT RUN WITHOUT.

THIS SONG IS CALLED"LADY BUS DRIVER."

( slow piano music playing )

♪ LADY BUS DRIVER,WAIT FOR ME ♪

♪ KNEEL THE BUS DOWNRIGHT HERE ♪

♪ LADY BUS DRIVER

HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

♪ YES, I HAVE GOTTHE EXACT FARE ♪

ON MY METRO CARD.

♪ LADY BUS DRIVER, YOU DON'TTAKE NO... ( bleep ) ♪

♪ YOU WEAR A SPIFFY UNIFORMAND ONE GLOVE ♪

♪ LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON

♪ LADY BUS DRIVER,DON'T KICK ME OFF THE BUS ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO SAY IT

♪ YOU'RE THE ONE I LOVE

♪ WHEN YOU SAY

( heavily accented ):♪ "NEXT STOP, LINCOLN CENTER,"ON THE INTERCOM ♪

♪ IT GIVES ME CHILLS, I FIND

♪ I WOULD NEVER SITIN THE HANDICAPPED SEATING ♪

♪ OR STEP PAST

♪ THE WHITE LINE

♪ NO, NO, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ LADY BUS DRIVER,DON'T YOU SEE? ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU AND MIGHT DIEFROM FRUSTRATION ♪

♪ BECAUSE I CANNOT TALK TO YOU,THE OPERATOR ♪

♪ WHILE THE BUS IS IN MOTION

♪ GOOD-BYE, LADY BUS DRIVER.

( applause and cheering )

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