Pardo, Perkins, Allen, Layborne

  • Season 3, Ep 0308
  • 02/15/2000

Jimmy Pardo reveals his reason for giving up alcohol, and Emmy Laybourne pays tribute to a female bus-driver.

WE'RE ALL THE SAME,DON'T YOU AGREE?

GIVE YOURSELVES A HAND.

ALL THESE STEREOTYPES.

STOP.

IT'S ABOUT LOVE, ALL RIGHT?

ALL THIS STEREOTYPING.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE DO IT, TOO.

WE GOT TO STOP IT.

WHITE PEOPLE CAN'T DANCE.

( laughter )

WHITE PEOPLE DANCETHEIR ASS OFF--

JUST DIFFERENT.

BLACK PEOPLE-- WE ARE SO PICKYWHEN IT COMES TO DANCING.

WE'RE THE ONLY RACE ON EARTHTHAT DANCES IN STYLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WE HAVE A DANCE THATCOMES IN STYLE...

WE DO THE HELL OUT OF IT

UNTIL IT GOES OUT OF STYLE.

AND THEN WE CAN NEVERDO IT AGAIN...

FOREVER.

( laughter )

WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF ( bleep ).

THINK ABOUT IT.

THE ROCK... GONE.

BUMP... GONE.

ROBOT...

YOU KNOW THAT'S GONE.

CABBAGE PATCH... GONE.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS NOW.

AIN'T NOTHING LEFT.

( applause )

BLACK PEOPLE--WE THINK WE SO DAMN HIP.

SOME WHITE DANCESWE DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

RIVERDANCE.

THAT'S HARD.

THEY DON'T EVEN MOVE THEIR ARMS.

AND THEY SMILING, TOO.

THAT'S HARD TO DO.

SQUARE DANCING.

BLACKS DON'T SQUARE-DANCE. WHY?

'CAUSE WE CAN'T STANDTO BE TOLD NOTHING.

♪ SWING YOUR PARTNER...

OH, NO, NO, NO.

♪ PUMP IT UP, PUMP IT UP.

HIPPEST COUNTRY MUSICI EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE

WAS HONKY-TONK.

YOU EVER HEARD OF HONKY-TONK?

HONKY-TONK!

ANY TIME WHITE PEOPLECALL THEMSELVES HONKIES

YOU KNOW IT'S FUNKY.

BREAKING IT DOWNLIKE JAMES BROWN

BUT IT'S COUNTRY.

( imitating fiddle playing )

( laughter )

I'LL TELL YOU WHY, FOLKS.

I CAN'T GET LIQUORED UP.

TWO REASONS.

NUMBER ONE, LAST TIME I DRANK,I DROVE INTO A DITCH.

WHICH DOESN'T SOUND LIKETHAT BIG OF A DEAL

BUT I STOPPED AT THE DITCH,LOOKED LEFT AND RIGHT

THEN DROVE INTO THE DITCH.

THAT'S NOT A GOOD MORNING.

( laughter )

SO LAST SATURDAY,ABOUT TWO SATURDAYS AGO

I'M SITTING AROUND MY HOUSE

I'M DOING WHAT I DO,WHICH IS MY BUSINESS--

NONE OF YOURS.

THE PHONE RINGS,I PICK IT UP.

STANDARD PHONE PROCEDURE.

SOME FRIENDS OF MINEWANT TO KNOW

IF I WANT TO GOTO A RENAISSANCE FAIR.

HELL YES, I WANT TO GO!

( applause )

THANK CHRIST YOU CALLED.

I'M SITTING AROUND AND I'MGOING, WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

DO I WANT TO GOTO A PICNIC?

MAYBE A BALL GAME?

NO, I'D LIKE TO SEESOME JOUSTING.

I HAVEN'T SEEN A GOOD JOUSTSINCE THE HAGAR-ROTH OF '84.

THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A JOUST.

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,THAT WAS HAGAR'S COMEBACK JOUST.

WILL, COULD I GET A "G"OVER THERE, BY THE WAY?

♪ DE-DE-DE-DE...

WE'RE GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

( humming )

WE'RE GOOD.

AND, UH...

( scattered applause )

GIVE IT UP.

YOU HEAR THEM APPLAUDING.

LET'S GO.

YEP.

THAT'S HOW WE WORK IT.

WHENEVER YOU APPLAUD,WE ALL APPLAUD.

THAT'S HOW DADDY WORKS HIS SHOW.

ANYHOW, I, UH...

RECENTLY WENT AND SAW EYES WIDE SHUT.

DID YOU FOLKS SEE THAT FILM?

DID YOU SEE EYES WIDE SHUT?

YEAH.

YOU DIDN'T SEE IT?

PIECE OF GARBAGE.

NOT THE MOVIE--

YOU, FOR NOT SEEING IT.

GET UP OFF YOUR ASS.

WHAT'S IT TAKE TO SEEA NICE PICTURE WITH YOU?

WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE, LOVE STINKS?

GOD, HAVE YOU SEEN THE PREVIEWSFOR THAT MOVIE?

THAT LOOKS AWFUL.

I DON'T SEE THAT MOVIEIF IT'S PLAYING IN MY GLASSES.

THAT'S MY FIRST LOVE--

THE THEATER,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YOU GUYS KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

THE ORCHESTRA BACK THERE,YOU GUYS KNOW IT.

IT'S MY FIRST LOVE.

I'M WRITING A PLAY RIGHT NOW--

DIARY OF ANNE FRANK-- THE MUSICAL.

AND IT'S GOING TO BE BIG.

♪ WHERE IS SHE HIDING?WHERE IS SHE HIDING? ♪

TOMMY, PREPARE FOR THE DISMOUNT.

I WILL LEAVE YOU FOLKSWITH THIS.

WE'VE BEEN UP HERE A WHILE

BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTIONFOR YOU, SIR...

IS THIS YOUR CARD?

AND, UH, THEY'RE INTERVIEWINGJIMMY CARTER, RIGHT?

AND THEY KEPT REFERRING TO HIMAS "MR. PRESIDENT."

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

HE'S NOT THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE.

NOBODY CALLS ME "MR. BUSBOY."

( audience laughing )

YOU KNOW, THEY SAYYOU CAN NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHATMY PARENTS SAY.

UH, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THELETTER FROM THEIR LAWYER SAID.

UH...

I'M ADOPTED AND...

I'M GLAD THAT MY PARENTSWERE HONEST ENOUGH WITH ME

TO TELL ME THAT I'M ADOPTED

BUT WHY EVERY DAY?

( laughing )

THAT SEEMS EXCESSIVE.

THAT SEEMS, UH...

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET

WHEN MY PARENTS FIRST TOLD MEI WAS ADOPTED

BECAUSE IT WASA VERY EMOTIONAL DAY

FOR EVERYONE IN MY WHOLE FAMILY

'CAUSE THAT WAS THE SAME DAY

MY PARENTS DECIDEDTO TELL MY BROTHER HE WAS GAY.

AND, UH...

THAT'S ROUGHON A FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

SO, BEFORE I DID THIS, UH,I WORKED FOR A WHILE

AT AN INVESTMENT BANK,WHICH WAS GREAT, AND, UH

THEY WERE KIND OF UPTIGHT,THOUGH.

SO I WAS SURPRISED WHEN ONE DAY,THEY CAME IN AND THEY SAID

"LEO, FROM NOW ON, EVERY FRIDAYIS GOING TO BE CASUAL DAY."

AND I SAID, "GREAT.

SO, WHAT I DID WASTHE NEXT FRIDAY

I WENT TO WORK TWO HOURS LATE...

AND, UH...

DRUNK AND I WORE A SUNDRESS.

THEY SAID THAT WAS TOO CASUAL.

THEY, UH, THEY SAID NO TO THAT.

SO, YOU GUYS EVER WAKE UPLAUGHING?

DID THAT EVER HAPPEN?

THAT HAPPENED TO MENOT TOO LONG AGO.

I WOKE UP CRACKING UPAND I HAD NO IDEA WHY

'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE, LIKE,A FUNNY DREAM OR ANYTHING.

RIGHT? SO I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS GOING ON.

BUT THEN I LOOKED OVER

AND NEXT TO ME IN THE BEDWAS A CLOWN.

( laughing )

DID YOU EVER WAKE UP CRYING?

NEVER?

THAT HAPPENED TO MENOT TOO LONG AGO

AND I... I DIDN'T KNOW WHY'CAUSE IT WAS WEIRD.

I DIDN'T HAVE A SAD DREAMOR ANYTHING

AND I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS GOING ON.

BUT THEN I LOOKED

AND OVER NEXT TO ME IN THE BEDWAS A DEAD CLOWN.

( laughing )

I'D LIKE TO TAKE A FEW MOMENTSTO TALK ABOUT RACISM, UH

'CAUSE IT'S A SERIOUS PROBLEM

AND I'M JEWISH AND I EXPERIENCEA LOT OF RACISM AS A JEW

PROBABLY EVEN MORETHAN MOST JEWS

'CAUSE I'M A MONEYLENDER AND....

( audience laughing )

SERIOUS, YEAH.

AND IT'S GETTING WORSE.

RACISM IS SPREADING.

IT'S SPREADINGALL OVER THE PLACE

AND THEY'RE GETTINGMORE SPECIFIC.

IT'S REALLY WEIRD.

I WAS ON THE INTERNET,AND I FOUND THAT

THERE IS ACTUALLY A GROUPOF ANTI-SEMITIC ARCHITECTS.

THEY DON'T BELIEVE THAT THEHOLOCAUST MUSEUM WAS EVER BUILT.

( audience laughing )

I'M ALWAYS TRYINGTO IMPROVE MYSELF AND, UH

DO YOU EVER NOTICE THATWHEN YOU TRY TO IMPROVE YOURSELF

PEOPLE DON'T SUPPORT YOU.

THEY GET JEALOUS.

THEY GET ENVIOUS.

LIKE FOR INSTANCE,I'VE BEEN SPENDING

TWO, SOMETIMES THREE HOURSA DAY EVERY DAY

FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS TEACHINGMYSELF SPANISH AND FRENCH

AT THE BANK MACHINE...

( laughing )

( scattered applause )

AND...

NEVER, UH, "IT'S GREAT.

YOU'RE EVOLVING AS A PERSON."

ALWAYS, "YOU IDIOT,GET OUT OF THE LINE!"

AND I'M LIKE, "JE NE COMPRENDS PAS, MONSIEUR, LA LECON."