Monday, April 25, 2016

  • 04/25/2016

Christopher Masterson, Alanna Masterson and Danny Masterson make "Game of Thrones" guesses, help Rachael Ray fire back at confused Beyonce fans and sum up #SiblingsIn5Words.

America's favorite titsand dragons prestige drama,

Games of Thrones returned Sunday night...


...and answered all the burningquestions from last season.

Will Cersei grow her hairinto a stylish bob?

Will Arya Stark get Lasik?

Where in the worldis Carmen Khaleesi?


Will some people die?Will others get naked?

Spoiler alert: yes and yes!

People die, people do get naked.

In fact, dying is sucha thing in Game of Thrones--

it's a constant-- that fanscreated a computer algorithm

called "A Song of Ice and Data"

that calculates how likelycharacters are to die.

-(laughter)-Oh, oh, do me! Do me!

-(applause and cheering)-Oh, it doesn't work that way.

It doesn't work that way.

How is Daenerys 95%?She's not gonna (bleep) die!

This is a flat algorithm.

-What the (bleep)are you guys doing?! -(laughter)

You see, this is not sound math.This was created by

a group of college studentsin Germany who-- spoiler alert--

-(with German accent):don't pay tuition. -(laughter)

So, this program isactually very cool,

and it got us thinking.

Comedians,what's another algorithm program

we might seefor things that could happen

on Game of Throne this season?Chris Masterson, go.

There is a 300% chancethat George R.R. Martin will die

before he finishes writingthis goddamn story.

HARDWICK:All right, yes.

-It's possible. It's possible.-(applause and cheering)

Alanna Masterson.

I'd say there's a 96% chance

that there will be300 more characters

with impossible namesto pronounce.


-(applause and cheering)-Danny.

There is a 93% chance

we will finally seePeter's Dinklage's (bleep).


(cheers and applause)

And it turns out to bethe one true Kingslayer.

-HARDWICK: Yes. Wonderful.-(cheers and applause)

I... Absolutely.

Beyoncé of House Knowles,first of her name,

queen of everything,child of Destiny,

-mother of single ladies...-(laughter)

dropped her new album, Lemonade,

which is apparentlyright around the corner

-from where fudge is made. Um...-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

-Along with... an HBO special...-MAN: Yes!

Along with an HBO specialthat made her fans do this.

They were very excited.

-(laughter)-Uh, now the... the... the...

The biggest revelationfrom the album

is that Jay Zmight have cheated.

Now, he warned her in advancethat he was big pimpin',

and monogamy goes with pimpin'

like sardineswith peanut butter, but come on.

It's Beyoncé!

(applause and cheering)

There is speculation.

Fans think the affair waswith fashion designer

and personnot-that-many-people-know

Rachel Roy, which led to someconfused people on the Internet

to start attackingcelebrity chef Rachael Ray...

(laughter and applause)

...uh... seen here

being that cooking lady on TVthat your mom likes.

Now, angry fans left lemon emoji

all over Ray-Ray's Instagram,like this.


Others, however,came to Rachael Ray's defense.

Y'all dumb as hell,

she's just tryingto make burgers.

(laughter, applause)

So, comedians...

how can Rachael Ray fire backagainst this injustice?

Alanna Masterson.

She shouldactually (bleep) Jay Z.


HARDWICK:That would be amazing.

-(applause)-That would be amazing.

Points. Danny Masterson.

She should send over some ofher famous blueberry, oatmeal,

flaxseed and rat poison muffins.

-Yeah. Points. Very good.-(laughter, applause)

-That's what she's known for.-Those are top sellers.

It's now timefor our #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

(whistling, whooping)

Tonight we've got three siblingson the show,

so it would only make sensethat we honor

the brothers and sisters whotaught us essential life skills,

like how to defend yourselfagainst someone holding you down

to fart in your face.That is why...

Was that Danny?Who did the...?

They both did.

Well, that is whytonight's hashtag

is #SiblingsIn5Words.

Examples might be:Absorbed my twin in utero,

or: Why are theyhitting themselves?

Why are they hitting themselves?

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Chris. -Mom saidyoungest was an accident.

-Points.-(laughter, groans)

She said it.I didn't say anything.

-Alanna.-People who bought me beer.

Oh, people who... beer.Okay, points. Danny.

She's a really loud masturbator.



-(whistling, whooping)-Points.

Danny again.

She's so bummedwe're her brothers.

All right, points. Alanna.

Even more annoying as adults.

All right, points.

-Alanna.-Uh, people I used to bite.


-Chris.-Dad upstairs on Ashley Madison.

-Points. (bleep)-(laughter)


HARDWICK: Are you pointingat your dad in the audience?

-Yeah. -Yeah.-There's another Masterson here?

-Yeah. He knows whatI'm talking about. -Uh...


Do you see whatyour balls have wrought?!