Doodie

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 10/24/2007

Sarah's childish obsession with doodie humor jeopardizes her relationship with Laura.

I THINK YOU MADETHE RIGHT DECISION

YOU THINK?I WAS WORRIED I WAS TOO HARSH.

OH, COME ON.

LISTEN, WHEN SARAHSHOWED THAT PICTURE, OF, UH,

FECES...

IT DISRESPECTED YOUAND YOUR MOTHER.

I MEAN, HOW MUCH MOREDOES YOUR MOTHER HAVE TO ENDURE?

FIRST, SHE DIES.

THEN HER SKELETON GETS DUG UP

AND SEXUALLY VIOLATED.

THEN HER MEMORY

IS LITERALLY SOILED

B.M.

THANK YOUFOR COMFORTING ME, JAY.

(man) WELCOME BACK TO COOKIE PARTY!

♪ COOKIE PARTY, COOKIE PARTY, COOKIE PARTY ♪

(Mini)HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS,

AND WELCOME BACKTO COOKIE PARTY,

THE SHOW WHERE YOU GETTO VOTE YOUR COOKIE

INTO YOUR TASTE BUDS.

HERE WE GO!

[clapping]

[exhales in frustration]

SILVERMAN, UH,ARE YOU OKAY?

CAN I GET YOUSOME WATER?

NO, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE JUSTA SIP.

(Sarah) DOODIE!

TEN YEARS OLDAND STILL INTO DOODIE.

THIS IS WHY YOU HAVETO TAKE CARE OF HER

AFTER I'M GONE, LAURA.

I WILL, MOM.

PROMISE ME.

[musical countdown beeping]

♪ WHATEVER HAPPENEDTO THAT WHITE DOG POO ♪

♪ FROM THE '70s?

♪ IT WENT AWAYAS MYSTERIOUSLY AS IT CAME ♪

♪ AH AH AHAH AH ♪

♪ WHATEVER HAPPENEDTO THAT WHITE DOG POO ♪

♪ FROM THE '70s?

♪ IT WENT AWAYLIKE YOU AND ME ♪

♪ IT WASN'T OURS,BUT IT WASN'T FREE ♪

♪ IN FRENCH THEY SAY

♪ "LE BLANC DOODIEDU LA '70" ♪

I HAVE TO HELP HER.

WHAT? WELL, I THOUGHTYOU WEREN'T GONNA--

I PROMISED MY MOTHER.

WELL, LAURA, DON'T BE...

LAURA. LAURA!

I QUIT, SARAH.YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, TOMORROW.

WHAT? WHY?

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THISAS A TRIBUTE TO MOM,

NOT TO YOUR GROSS OBSESSIONWITH DOODIE.

OH, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHTABOUT WHAT IT IS

THAT YOU FINDSO DELIGHTFULLY FUNNY

ABOUT DOODIE?

NO, I HAVEN'T THOUGHTABOUT IT, LAURA.

IF YOU DECONSTRUCT SOMETHING,

IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE,IS IT?

WHAT ARE YOU, 12?[laughs in derision]

I'M 12.

YEAH, YOU'RE 12.

THINK ABOUT IT.

WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE,YOU WANTED TO BE A NURSE.

AND NOW YOU ARE ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SARAH?

[door opens, closes]

FINE.[scoffs]

DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE?

HEY, STEVE.

COME HERE. NEWS IS ON.

SO...MAYOR WITTELS

IS ABOUT TO HAVEAN AWESOME PRESS CONFERENCE.

YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.IT SHOULD BE PRETTY COOL.

TO, UH, ACKNOWLEDGETHAT EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT.

SO SMART.

YES, THE, UH, GENTLEMAN

WITH THE, UH, GLASSES.

HEY, LOOK AT THAT GUY.

I'D LIKE TO KNOWWHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO

ABOUT THE WHOLE FOREIGNSITUATION.

UH, NOT SURE I FOLLOW, UH--

DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULDINCREASE THE ENVIRONMENT?

SIR, I, UH, SIMPLYDON'T UNDERSTAND

YOUR, UH,LINE OF QUESTIONING.

WOULD YOU AT LEAST SAY

THAT WE'RE HAVINGA POLITICAL DISCUSSION?

THAT CAN BE CLASSIFIEDAS, UH, POLITICAL.

THANKS. HMM! (Steve) GIVE ME THAT.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

NO, I'M NOT.

POLITICAL DISCUSSION THERE.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

(man) WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION,

ARE SOME PEOPLETOO STUPID TO LIVE?

OH, MY GOD.LOOK WHO IT IS, JOJO!

STENCIL.JOJO.

LOOK AT ME!I'M SAY-WAH SILVA-MAN!

MY SISTER HATES ME.

AND I BAKE CRAPPY COOKIES.

AND I'M GONNA GET MY LITTLEJEW ASS KILLED WHEN I--

OOPS.WHOSE BONES ARE THOSE?

I DON'T KNOW.

ROSE SILVERMAN!

MAYBE.

READING'S NOT MY BAG.

[Sarah gasps]

THAT'S MY MOTHER,YOU ZIT.

NO WAY!THAT'S SO CRAZY.

I DIG UP SOME BONES,

AND NOW WE'RE COMPETINGAGAINST EACH OTHER

ON COOKIE PARTY?

IT'S JUST LIKE AN EPISODEOF LOST.

I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.

GO AHEAD.

WHO THEY GONNA BELIEVE?

YOU'RE THE GIRLWHO PUT DOG POOP ON TELEVISION.

I'M AMERICA'S SWEETHEART.

I'M GONNA BEAT YOU TONIGHT,STENCIL.

I'M GONNA BEAT THE CRAP SMELLRIGHT OFF YOUR ANUS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

SINCE I'M GOOD FRIENDSWITH YOUR MOM,

I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

IF YOU CAN BEATTHE MUSTANGS,

YOU CAN HAVE MOMMY'STOMBSTONE BACK.

CAN YOU DO THAT?

[whispering]CAN YOU DO THATWITHOUT YOUR LITTLE SISTER?

NO PROBLEM.

[whispering]DEAL.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GONNA GO RUB MY BOTTOM

ALL OVER YOUR MOMMY'STOMBSTONE.

[Sarah whimpers]

TWO DAYS AGOHOW MY MOTHER'S SKELETON WAS,

I WOULD SAY

IT'S LIKE ANY OTHER SKELETON.

IT'S--IT'S BURIEDAND INTACT.

AND CELIBATE.

THAT IS--THAT'S ROUGH.

JESUS.

AND MARY.

[Jackee from 227]OOH, MARY.

JACKEE.

I AM SO GOOD AT THIS!

HEY, HEY GUYS.

IT LOOKS LIKE OUR, UH,BELOVED MAYOR'S

UP TO HIS OLD TRICKSAGAIN, HUH?

HOW SO?

HE'S JUST OUT OF CONTROL,RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING,BRIAN?

WHAT, I'M JUST HAVINGA POLITICAL DISCUSSION

ABOUT POLITICS.

I JUST WISH THAT WE COULDREPLACE MOM'S HEADSTONE.

WE SHOULD GO ON COOKIE PARTY!

WE CAN WIN THE MONEYFOR MOM'S HEADSTONE.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA,SARAH.

[as Urkel]DID I DO THAT?

[laughter]

HEY, YOU GUYS ARE COOL.

URKEL.

OH, IF WE DO WIN,

WE CAN DEDICATETHE COOKIE TO MOM.

I DON'T MEANTO BE A BUMMER,

BUT I HEAR IT'S LIKENEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE

TO GET ON THAT SHOW.

(Sarah) OH, REALLY?

WATCH THIS.

[phone ringing]

COOKIE PARTY.

[deep voice]I'D LIKE TO, UH...

SPEAK TO MINI COFFEE,PLEASE.

WHO MAY I SAYIS CALLING?

[whispering]WHAT'S THE MAYOR'S NAME?

WHY DON'T YOU ASK BRIAN?HE'S THE POLITICAL ONE.

OH, UH, YEAH.HOLD ON.

IT'S, UH, IT'S MAYOR...

UH, MAYOR...

IT'S ELLISON WITTELS,GENIUS.

THAT'S RIGHT.THAT'S IT. YEAH.

[deep voice] THIS IS MAYOR WITTELS.

(Tabitha) PLEASE HOLD FOR MS. COFFEE, MAYOR WITTELS.

[silently]

THIS IS MINIATURE COFFEE.

OH, MY GOODNESS. MAYOR WITTELS.

WHAT AN HONOR.

TO WHAT DO I OWETHIS PLEASURE?

[Sarah in deep voice] I'D LIKE YOU TO PUT ON

A COUPLE VERY LOVELY GIRLSON YOUR SHOW,

[slurring]THE SILVERMAN SISTERS.

ACTUALLY, WE DO BOOK

BUT I THINKUNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES

ARRANGEMENTS COULD BE MADE.

HOW ABOUT TOMORROW NIGHT?

[deep voice]UH, THANK YOU SO MUCH,MS. COFFEE.

I'M THE MAYOR.

WE'RE GONNA BE ONTOMORROW NIGHT.

[Sarah and Laura screamexcitedly]

THAT WAS A PRETTY GOODWITTELS.

(Sarah)HI, I'M SARAH SILVERMAN,

AND HERE'S SOME OF THE PEOPLEIN MY LIFE.

THIS IS MY SISTER LAURAAND A GERMAN NAZI.

THIS IS BRIAN AND STEVE.

THEY'RE LITERALLY GAY.

HERE'S MY DOGAND HIS FAVORITE TOY.

THIS IS A FRIENDOF MY UNCLE.

HE DOES THE BEST IMPRESSIONOF JIM FROM TAXI.

HE'S LIKE,"HEY, ALEX!"

NO, I CAN'T DO IT.

(Laura) SARAH, IT'S BACK ON!

OH, GOD, I LOVE THIS SHOWSO MUCH

I JUST WANT TO SMASH IT.

THOSE WERE SOME NICE COMMERCIALS, RIGHT, OOKIE?

I NEED A NEW MATTRESS TOO.

OH, HI. I'M MINI COFFEE.

WELCOME BACK TO COOKIE PARTY.

WE'RE SO EXCITED, AREN'T WE, OOKIE?

COOKIE PARTY JUST MAKES MEMISS MOM SO MUCH.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN--SHH!

NOW THIS IS INTERESTING.

THE LIGHT DUST OF SUGAR

MAKES IT LOOK LIKE A PIECEOF WHITE DOG POO.

REMEMBER HOW BACKIN THE '70s,

WHATEVER HAPPENEDTO THAT, OOKIE?

MOMMY!

I'M BEING SIGNALEDTHAT MY PRODUCER

IS COMING IN WITH THE VOTESAS WE SPEAK.

THANK YOU, PHILIP,YOU RASCAL.

AND THE WINNEROF THE CASH PRIZE IS...

[Sarah and Laura whispering]

THE MUSTANGS.

(Sarah and Laura)YES! MUSTANGS!

[Laura squealing]

YES!UGH!

YEAH! UGH!THAT'S WHY.

OH, MY GOD. YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO WIN.

AW.

CONGRATULATIONS, STENCIL.CONGRATULATIONS, JOJO.

TO WHOM DO YOU DEDICATEYOUR COOKIE TO?

(Stencil)THANK YOU, MINI.

YEAH, WE WANT TO DEDICATEOURS TO THE TROOPS.

I'D BE OVER THERERIGHT NOW

KILLIN' THE CRAPOUT OF THOSE BASTARDS.

BUT, YOU KNOW,I GOT ONE FOOT

THAT'S BIGGERTHAN THE OTHER ONE.

SEMPER FI, BUDDIES!

[robot belches]

OH, MY GOODNESS.YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND MEANS?

OUR PRECIOUS TIME IS OVER.

WELL, WE'LL BE SEEINGYOU TALENTED GENTLEMEN

AND YOU THE VIEWINGAUDIENCE NEXT TIME.

UNTIL YOU'RE HERE.

BYE FOR NOW.

GOD DAMN IT, I LOVETHAT SHOW.

IT WAS THE BEST SHOWSINCE NO OTHER SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT,

WE SHOULD GO VISITMOM'S GRAVE TOMORROW.

IT'S BEEN A REALLY LONG TIMESINCE WE'VE BEEN.

MM, TOMORROW.

I CAN DO 1:00.

OKAY.

I HATE WHEN YOU LEAVE,

BUT I LOVE WATCHIN'YOU GO.

EW, SARAH.THAT'S GROSS.

AND THEN SHE SPEAKS.

HEY.HEY, LAURA.

(Sarah)HEY.

OH, HEY, CONGRATULATIONS.

OH, THANKS.I'M PSYCHED.

(Sarah)YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYSTALKING ABOUT?

THE ANTI-DISCRIMINATIONBILL...

FOR GAY PEOPLE.

(Sarah) YEAH, SO LIKE NOW IF SOMEONE

TRIES TO LIGHT YOU ON FIREOR CHOP OFF YOUR PENIS

OR SOMETHING,

I THINK IT'S GOOD.

OH, YEAH. YEAH.NO, I KNEW ABOUT THAT.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

STEVE, I DID TOO.

BRIAN, IT'S OKAY.YOU'RE JUST NOT POLITICAL.

I KNOW LOTS OF POLITICS.

ANYWAY, CONGRATULATIONS.

[stiffly]CONGRATULATIONS.

GOOD NIGHT, SARAH.

"I KNOW LOTS OF POLITICS."

Loading...