Thursday, November 14, 2013

  • Season 1, Ep 0116
  • 11/14/2013

Tom Lennon, Paul Scheer and Doug Benson guess @midnight's big news, translate emoji sentences and look at Photoshopped images of male celebs as ladies.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHLDZ IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )FIRST TO BUZZ IN WITH THE

CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100 POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, JOHN CLAUDE VANDAMME, STARP OF "BLOOD SPORT"

AND "DOUBLE IMPACT" COSTARRINGJOHN CLAUDE VAN DAMME AS WELL,

RECENTLY FILMED A COMMERCIAL FORVOLVO WHERE HE PERFORMED HIS

TRADEMARK SPLIT ATOP TWO MOVINGTRUCKS.

WHA-WHAT!

COMEDIANS, WHERE ELSE HAS VANDAMME PERFORMED THIS FAMOUS

SPLIT?

ON THE SHOULDERS OF STEPHENSEGAL AND LOU FURIG NO ON THE

TRAIN TRACK AS TRAIN APPROACHES.

ON THE DESK IN AN ELEMENTARYSCHOOL IN FRONT OF YOUNG

CHILDREN.

DOUG BENSON?

>> AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO SEE AOR C, IT'S PROBABLY JUST B.

>> B IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!

>> I CAN SAY I THINK THE ONEDEFINING THING BETWEEN ALL THESE

SPLITS IS THAT HE WAS DOING A( BLEEP ) LOAD OF COCAINE.

>> YES, IN THAT SPLIT RIGHTTHERE?

>> EVERY TIME.

>> OH, EVERY TIME.

>> YOU HAVE TO.

HE HAS TO NUMB THE WHOLE AREA.

>> OR YOU SEND A TOM COP BACK TORESCUE YOUR BALLS.

>> AS THE PRODUCER THANKS FORSAYING LEGALLY ACTIONABLE

SLANDER ON THE SHOW.

>> NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE,WAIT A MINUTE!

IT'S ALL GOING TO BE FINEBECAUSE WHEN THE LAWSUIT COMES

IN TOM IS GOING TO TIME COP THATIN AND TAKE THEM OUT.

THIS HAS ALREADY INSPIRED APERSONAL MEME WITHIN OUR OWN

STAFF.

TOM WAS INSPIRED BY VAN DAMME'SCOMMERCIAL TODAY, WEREN'T YOU?

>> I WAS.

>> LET'S GO TO THE INSTAGRAM.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> TOM, TOM, MY QUESTION IS, HOWMUCH-- HOW MUCH VAN DAMME DID

YOU DO TO YOUR BALLS?

>> DID YOU TITLE THAT INSTAGRAMDANGLE, DANGLE?

>> POINTS FOR DOUG BENSON!

I KNOW IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TOYOU, BUT THAT'S HOW THE SHOW

WORKS.

WE TWEETED OUT WE WOULD HAVE BIGNEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU TONIGHT

ON THE SHOW.

WE CHALLENGE YOU TO GUESS WHATIT WAS.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING TWEETS ISFROM AN ACTUAL QUOTE FAN END

QUOTES QUESTION MARK?

A, CHRIS HARDWICK IS GOING TOREVEAL HE IS IN FACT GAYER THAN

SEACREST.

B, CHRIS HARDWICK HAS BEENREPLACED BY PIERRE THE PELICAN.

OH, YOU'RE KNOW YOU DIDN'T!

I'M THE MASCOT FOR NIGHTMARES.

C, HARDWICK IS HOSTING A NEW"@MIDNIGHT" AFTERSHOW CALLED

CHAT MITT NIGHT OR TALKINGMIDNIGHT.

DOUG BENSON.

>> I'VE SAID IT EVERY TIME YOUHAVE BEEN ON THIS SHOW, ARE YOU

GAYER THAN SEACREST.

>> THAT MAY BE 100% TRUE BUTTHAT IS NOT THE CORRECT ANSWER.

WE JUST GOT THE NEWS WE HAVEBEEN PICKED UP ON "@MIDNIGHT."

SO THEY'RE ALL FAKE.

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )YES.

THIS WAS AN EXPERIMENT WE DIDFOR A MONTH PUP GUYS WATCHED.

YOU JOINED IN THE HASHTAG WARS.

WE HAVE SO, SO, SO GRATEFUL.

WE WILL BE RETURNING JANUARY 6WITH NEW EPISODES, SO THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

IT'S HUGE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAGWAR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AFTER MONTHS OF WAITING, THEY'RE

REJOICE OVER THE NEWS PS4 GAMINGSYSTEM IS RELEASED TONIGHT AND

X-BOX 1 IS OUT NEXT WEEK.

THERE WILL BE A LOT OF AWESOMENEW GAMES BUT WE THOUGHT WE

WOULD EXPLORE THE OTHER SIDE.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS BORINGVIDEO GAMES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE HALO KITTY.

OR WORLD OF ARTS AND CRAFTS.

OR SITAR HERO.

I WOULD ACTUALLY PLAY THAT ONE.

YOU GUYS CAN PLAY AT HOME BYTWEEGHT YOUR HASHTAG TO THE

"@MIDNIGHT" ACCOUNT.

>> GRANDMA TERKS RISMO.

>> POINTS!

>> WE FAT.

>> WHAT ARE THE MECHANICS OFTHAT GAME?

POINTS!

DOUG BENSON.

>> MARIO CARTOGRAPHER.

>> IT'S A MIA.

THAT'S-A THE WORLD OF MARIO.

>> PAUL SCHEER.

>> GRAND THEFT TRICYCLE.

>> WNBA 2 K.

>> COME ON!

COME ON!

POINTS!

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT IS TIMETO PLAY "SWEET EMOGI.

AN EMOGI IS SOMETHING PEOPLE USETO LET OTHER PEOPLE KNOW HOW THE

THING THEY JUST TYPED MADE THEMFEEL.

IT'S WAY EASIER THAN USING WORDSAND MORE EFFICIENT THAN HUMAN

INTERACTIONS.

I WANT YOU TO TRANSLATE THESENTENCE, AND IF YOUDO A GOOD

JOB, IT'S 250 POINTS.

THIS FIRST ONE WITH THE BATH TUBAND SANTA CLAUS-- PAUL SCHEER.

>> I SAW MOMMY GETTING FINGEREDBY SANTA CLAUS.

>> IT'S MY FAVORITE CHRISTMASSONG.

POINTS, POINTS!

THIS NEXT ONE, BUILDING OFFTHAT, STARTS WITH A FAMILY.

IT STARTS WITH A FAMILY.

DOUG BENSON?

>> THE FAMILY THAT SMOKESCIGARETTES TOGETHER DIES

SEPARATELY.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

NICE PRODUCT INTEGRATION THEREDOUG BENSON.

THERE'S AN ALIEN IN THIS NEXTONE.

YES, DUG?

>> THAT'S JUST THE LOGO FOR ANINDY BAND CALLED ALIEN LIPSTICK

FIRE.

>> WAIT A SECOND, I THOUGHT THATWAS THE SHAMAULIAN MOVIE RIGHT

THERE.

>> SHAMMALLIAN?

>> YES.

>> YOU THINK IT'S AN ALIEN BUTTHE TWIST AT THE END IS IT'S A

DOG WITH A BURNING ERECTION.

>> O-HO!

>> DO YOU GET POINTS?

>> NO!

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

POINTS!

POINTS!

POINTS!

POINTS!

>> THANK YOU, OKAY.

>> SECOND SEASON PICKUP.

>> YES, WE GOT IT.

YES, WE GOT IT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> IT IS TIME FOR GENDER BENDER

BEAUTY PAGEANT.

THERE'S A WEB SITE CALLEDWORTHATHOUSAND.COM KNOWN FOR

USER GENERATED CONTEST.

RECENTLY THEY HAD A CONTEST FORPEOPLE WHO PHOTOSHOPPED MALE

CELEBRITIES AS LADYS.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU TWO MALEACTORS AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU

HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH MAN-LADYTHE WEB SITE SAID WAS THE

PRETTIEST.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE...

>> IS NEITHER AN OPTION?

>> DOUG?

>> MATT DAMON IS PRETTIER?

>> NO, KEVIN SPACEY WAS WAYPRETTIER THERE?

>> KEVIN SPACEY WAS WAYPRETTIER.

>> VERY CREEPY BLOND.

>> THEY'RE BOTH AMERICANBEAUTIES.

>> NICE.

OH, THAT WAS GOOD.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

OKAY-->> I HAVE TO ASK A QUESTION--

HOW IS YOUR REACTION SO( BLEEP ) FAST?

IT'S CRAZY!

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW I DO IT.

( LAUGHTER )>> UNBELIEVABLE.

>> HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

DO YOU LIKE JACKIE BLACK ORSHAWNA CONNERY.

YEAH, DOUG?

>> JACKIE BLACK IS PRETTIER.

>> ACTUALLY, THE THING SAIDSHAWNA CONNERY.

>> RECOUNT!

RECOUNT!

>> A MUSTACHE ISN'T PRETTY?

>> THAT REALLY IS NOT SAYING MYWHOLE WORLD VIEW OF WOMEN RIGHT

NOW.

>> THEN WE PLAYED AROUND WITHYOU GUYS.

PAULA SCHEER OR DOUGINA BENSON?

TOM LENNON?

>> HERE'S MY THING EYE FEEL LIKEPAULINE-- SCHEER IS SORT OF

UNAPPROACHABLE, LIKE GWYNETHPALTROW.

DOUGED LA.

>> DOUGINA.

>> DOUGINA BENSON I FEEL LIKE ICOULD GET TO THIRD BASE.

>> DOUGINA LOOKS LIKE A POPSTAR.

>> LOOKS LIKE KATY PERRY.

I'M GOING WITH DOUG.

>> THAT'S NOT ANSWER.

PAULA SCHEER WAS THE ONE.

>> REST ASSURED I WILL GO TOTHIRD BASE WITH YOU.

>> I LIKE THAT YOU PICKED DOUGBECAUSE YOU THOUGHT HE'D BE

EASIER TO ( BLEEP ).

>> WELCOME TO MY LIFE IN THE90s!

>> OKAY, THIS ONE IS FUN.

THIS ONE IS FUN.

TOMASINA LEPON OR CHRISTINAHARDWICK?

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, FIRST OFALL, FIRST OF ALL, TOM, YOU HAVE

SOME SWEET TITS.

>> I THOUGHT YOU HOOLED AMcCALL YOU CULKIN

AFTER-PICTURE.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOUG?

>> AFTER WHAT?

>> AFTER YESTERDAY.

>> AFTER STARRING IN "RUN, LOCALARUN."

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, TOM OR ME?

>> COME ON, YOU KNOW IT'S ME.

>> I'M GOING TO GO CAN TOMEDZASINA.

>> YES, TOMASINA LENNON.

COMPLETELY IGNORED THE MUSTACHE.

>> WHICH IS SOMETHING I SAYEVERY TIME I WALK INTO A

BROTHEL.

"I'LL GO WITH TOMIASINA AGAINTONIGHT.

IT'S CRINGE WORTHY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

A VERY SMART EDITOR ASKED USINGTHREE WORDS HOW MUCH CAN YOU

MAKE ME CRINGE?

WE LIKED THE IDEA WE MADE IT AGAME.

YOU HAVE THREE WORDS TO MAKE MECRIJ.

YOU GET 250 POINTS.

LET'S DO IT.

TOM LENNON?

>> DISCARDED MILEY PHONE.

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

SMEAR.

>> MOIST PAINT HAIR.

>> YOU GOTTA KEEP IT MOIST OVERTHE BRUSHFIRE STARTS.

POINTS, POINTS.

TOM.

>> SHAKE'S PIZZA PARLOR.

>> ARE THEY A SPONSOR?

NO, POINTS!

DOUG?

>> MISCONGENIALITY THREE.

POINT, POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER, ANOTHER ONE.

>> CHER'S BACK SWEAT.

>> POINTS.

>> THIS GOES ON AND ON FOREVER.

TOM.

>> BUTT CRACK GROOMING MISHAP.

>> POINTS!

YOU FOLKS GOT POINTS.

YOU BOTH GOT POINTS.

>> JUST MAKING SURE.

>> OKAY, PAUL SCHEER.

>> OH!

PAUL, YOU HAVE ONE MORE?

>> YES, AGED DICK CHEESE.

>> YOU SAID THAT LIKE PITCH MAN!

GUESS WHAT I'VE GOT?

>> I THINK THE "AGED" PART MAKESIT CLASSY.

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