Thursday, November 14, 2013

  • 11/14/2013

Tom Lennon, Paul Scheer and Doug Benson guess @midnight's big news, translate emoji sentences and look at Photoshopped images of male celebs as ladies.

>> HAVE YOU MET MINE?

I CAN'T WAIT.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HLDZ IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FIRST TO BUZZ IN WITH THE

CORRECT ANSWER GETS 100 POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, JOHN CLAUDE VAN

DAMME, STARP OF "BLOOD SPORT"

AND "DOUBLE IMPACT" COSTARRING

JOHN CLAUDE VAN DAMME AS WELL,

RECENTLY FILMED A COMMERCIAL FOR

VOLVO WHERE HE PERFORMED HIS

TRADEMARK SPLIT ATOP TWO MOVING

TRUCKS.

WHA-WHAT!

COMEDIANS, WHERE ELSE HAS VAN

DAMME PERFORMED THIS FAMOUS

SPLIT?

ON THE SHOULDERS OF STEPHEN

SEGAL AND LOU FURIG NO ON THE

TRAIN TRACK AS TRAIN APPROACHES.

ON THE DESK IN AN ELEMENTARY

SCHOOL IN FRONT OF YOUNG

CHILDREN.

DOUG BENSON?

>> AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO SEE A

OR C, IT'S PROBABLY JUST B.

>> B IS THE CORRECT ANSWER!

>> I CAN SAY I THINK THE ONE

DEFINING THING BETWEEN ALL THESE

SPLITS IS THAT HE WAS DOING A

( BLEEP ) LOAD OF COCAINE.

>> YES, IN THAT SPLIT RIGHT

THERE?

>> EVERY TIME.

>> OH, EVERY TIME.

>> YOU HAVE TO.

HE HAS TO NUMB THE WHOLE AREA.

>> OR YOU SEND A TOM COP BACK TO

ESCUE YOUR BALLS.R

>> AS THE PRODUCER THANKS FOR

SAYING LEGALLY ACTIONABLE

SLANDER ON THE SHOW.

>> NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE,

WAIT A MINUTE!

IT'S ALL GOING TO BE FINE

BECAUSE WHEN THE LAWSUIT COMES

IN TOM IS GOING TO TIME COP THAT

IN AND TAKE THEM OUT.

THIS HAS ALREADY INSPIRED A

PERSONAL MEME WITHIN OUR OWN

STAFF.

TOM WAS INSPIRED BY VAN DAMME'S

COMMERCIAL TODAY, WEREN'T YOU?

>> I WAS.

>> LET'S GO TO THE INSTAGRAM.

( LAUGHTER )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> TOM, TOM, MY QUESTION IS, HOW

MUCH-- HOW MUCH VAN DAMME DID

YOU DO TO YOUR BALLS?

>> DID YOU TITLE THAT INSTAGRAM

DANGLE, DANGLE?

>> POINTS FOR DOUG BENSON!

I KNOW IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TO

YOU, BUT THAT'S HOW THE SHOW

WORKS.

WE TWEETED OUT WE WOULD HAVE BIG

NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU TONIGHT

ON THE SHOW.

WE CHALLENGE YOU TO GUESS WHAT

IT WAS.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING TWEETS IS

FROM AN ACTUAL QUOTE FAN END

QUOTES QUESTION MARK?

A, CHRIS HARDWICK IS GOING TO

REVEAL HE IS IN FACT GAYER THAN

SEACREST.

B, CHRIS HARDWICK HAS BEEN

REPLACED BY PIERRE THE PELICAN.

OH, YOU'RE KNOW YOU DIDN'T!

I'M THE MASCOT FOR NIGHTMARES.

C, HARDWICK IS HOSTING A NEW

"@MIDNIGHT" AFTERSHOW CALLED

CHAT MITT NIGHT OR TALKING

MIDNIGHT.

DOUG BENSON.

>> I'VE SAID IT EVERY TIME YOU

HAVE BEEN ON THIS SHOW, ARE YOU

GAYER THAN SEACREST.

>> THAT MAY BE 100% TRUE BUT

THAT IS NOT THE CORRECT ANSWER.

WE JUST GOT THE NEWS WE HAVE

BEEN PICKED UP ON "@MIDNIGHT."

SO THEY'RE ALL FAKE.

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YES.

THIS WAS AN EXPERIMENT WE DID

FOR A MONTH PUP GUYS WATCHED.

YOU JOINED IN THE HASHTAG WARS.

WE HAVE SO, SO, SO GRATEFUL.

WE WILL BE RETURNING JANUARY 6

WITH NEW EPISODES, SO THANK YOU

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

WAR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AFTER MONTHS OF WAITING, THEY'RE

REJOICE OVER THE NEWS PS4 GAMING

SYSTEM IS RELEASED TONIGHT AND

X-BOX 1 IS OUT NEXT WEEK.

THERE WILL BE A LOT OF AWESOME

NEW GAMES BUT WE THOUGHT WE

WOULD EXPLORE THE OTHER SIDE.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS BORING

VIDEO GAMES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE HALO KITTY.

OR WORLD OF ARTS AND CRAFTS.

OR SITAR HERO.

I WOULD ACTUALLY PLAY THAT ONE.

YOU GUYS CAN PLAY AT HOME BY

TWEEGHT YOUR HASHTAG TO THE

"@MIDNIGHT" ACCOUNT.

>> GRANDMA TERKS RISMO.

>> POINTS!

>> WE FAT.

>> WHAT ARE THE MECHANICS OF

THAT GAME?

POINTS!

DOUG BENSON.

>> MARIO CARTOGRAPHER.

>> IT'S A MIA.

THAT'S-A THE WORLD OF MARIO.

>> PAUL SCHEER.

>> GRAND THEFT TRICYCLE.

>> WNBA 2 K.

>> COME ON!

COME ON!

POINTS!

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, IT IS TIME

TO PLAY "SWEET EMOGI.

AN EMOGI IS SOMETHING PEOPLE USE

TO LET OTHER PEOPLE KNOW HOW THE

THING THEY JUST TYPED MADE THEM

FEEL.

IT'S WAY EASIER THAN USING WORDS

AND MORE EFFICIENT THAN HUMAN

INTERACTIONS.

I WANT YOU TO TRANSLATE THE

SENTENCE, AND IF YOUDO A GOOD

JOB, IT'S 250 POINTS.

THIS FIRST ONE WITH THE BATH TUB

AND SANTA CLAUS-- PAUL SCHEER.

>> I SAW MOMMY GETTING FINGERED

BY SANTA CLAUS.

>> IT'S MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS

SONG.

POINTS, POINTS!

THIS NEXT ONE, BUILDING OFF

THAT, STARTS WITH A FAMILY.

IT STARTS WITH A FAMILY.

DOUG BENSON?

>> THE FAMILY THAT SMOKES

CIGARETTES TOGETHER DIES

SEPARATELY.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

NICE PRODUCT INTEGRATION THERE

DOUG BENSON.

THERE'S AN ALIEN IN THIS NEXT

ONE.

YES, DUG?

>> THAT'S JUST THE LOGO FOR AN

INDY BAND CALLED ALIEN LIPSTICK

FIRE.

>> WAIT A SECOND, I THOUGHT THAT

WAS THE SHAMAULIAN MOVIE RIGHT

THERE.

>> SHAMMALLIAN?

>> YES.

>> YOU THINK IT'S AN ALIEN BUT

THE TWIST AT THE END IS IT'S A

DOG WITH A BURNING ERECTION.

>> O-HO!

>> DO YOU GET POINTS?

>> NO!

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

POINTS!

POINTS!

POINTS!

POINTS!

>> THANK YOU, OKAY.

>> SECOND SEASON PICKUP.

>> YES, WE GOT IT.

>> IT IS TIME FOR GENDER BENDER

BEAUTY PAGEANT.

THERE'S A WEB SITE CALLED

WORTHATHOUSAND.COM KNOWN FOR

USER GENERATED CONTEST.

RECENTLY THEY HAD A CONTEST FOR

PEOPLE WHO PHOTOSHOPPED MALE

CELEBRITIES AS LADYS.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU TWO MALE

ACTORS AND FOR 250 POINTS YOU

HAVE TO TELL ME WHICH MAN-LADY

THE WEB SITE SAID WAS THE

PRETTIEST.

HERE'S THE FIRST ONE...

>> IS NEITHER AN OPTION?

>> DOUG?

>> MATT DAMON IS PRETTIER?

>> NO, KEVIN SPACEY WAS WAY

PRETTIER THERE?

>> KEVIN SPACEY WAS WAY

PRETTIER.

>> VERY CREEPY BLOND.

>> THEY'RE BOTH AMERICAN

BEAUTIES.

>> NICE.

OH, THAT WAS GOOD.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

OKAY--

>> I HAVE TO ASK A QUESTION--

HOW IS YOUR REACTION SO

( BLEEP ) FAST?

IT'S CRAZY!

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW I DO IT.

( LAUGHTER )

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

>> HERE'S THE NEXT ONE.

DO YOU LIKE JACKIE BLACK OR

SHAWNA CONNERY.

YEAH, DOUG?

>> JACKIE BLACK IS PRETTIER.

>> ACTUALLY, THE THING SAID

SHAWNA CONNERY.

>> RECOUNT!

RECOUNT!

>> A MUSTACHE ISN'T PRETTY?

>> THAT REALLY IS NOT SAYING MY

WHOLE WORLD VIEW OF WOMEN RIGHT

NOW.

>> THEN WE PLAYED AROUND WITH

YOU GUYS.

PAULA SCHEER OR DOUGINA BENSON?

TOM LENNON?

>> HERE'S MY THING EYE FEEL LIKE

PAULINE-- SCHEER IS SORT OF

UNAPPROACHABLE, LIKE GWYNETH

PALTROW.

DOUGED LA.

>> DOUGINA.

>> DOUGINA BENSON I FEEL LIKE I

COULD GET TO THIRD BASE.

>> DOUGINA LOOKS LIKE A POP

STAR.

>> LOOKS LIKE KATY PERRY.

I'M GOING WITH DOUG.

>> THAT'S NOT ANSWER.

PAULA SCHEER WAS THE ONE.

>> REST ASSURED I WILL GO TO

THIRD BASE WITH YOU.

>> I LIKE THAT YOU PICKED DOUG

BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT HE'D BE

EASIER TO ( BLEEP ).

>> WELCOME TO MY LIFE IN THE

90s!

>> OKAY, THIS ONE IS FUN.

THIS ONE IS FUN.

TOMASINA LEPON OR CHRISTINA

HARDWICK?

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, FIRST OF

ALL, FIRST OF ALL, TOM, YOU HAVE

SOME SWEET TITS.

>> I THOUGHT YOU HOOLED A

McCALL YOU CULKIN

AFTER-PICTURE.

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOUG?

>> AFTER WHAT?

>> AFTER YESTERDAY.

>> AFTER STARRING IN "RUN, LOCAL

ARUN."

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, TOM OR ME?

>> COME ON, YOU KNOW IT'S ME.

>> I'M GOING TO GO CAN TOMEDZ

ASINA.

>> YES, TOMASINA LENNON.

COMPLETELY IGNORED THE MUSTACHE.

>> WHICH IS SOMETHING I SAY

IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL SPEED

GAME.

THIS WILL BE GREAT EQUALIZER.

IT'S CRINGE WORTHY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

A VERY SMART EDITOR ASKED USING

THREE WORDS HOW MUCH CAN YOU

MAKE ME CRINGE?

WE LIKED THE IDEA WE MADE IT A

GAME.

YOU HAVE THREE WORDS TO MAKE ME

CRIJ.

YOU GET 250 POINTS.

LET'S DO IT.

TOM LENNON?

>> DISCARDED MILEY PHONE.

>> POINTS!

POINTS!

SMEAR.

>> MOIST PAINT HAIR.

>> YOU GOTTA KEEP IT MOIST OVER

THE BRUSHFIRE STARTS.

POINTS, POINTS.

TOM.

>> SHAKE'S PIZZA PARLOR.

>> ARE THEY A SPONSOR?

NO, POINTS!

DOUG?

>> MISCONGENIALITY THREE.

POINT, POINTS.

PAUL SCHEER, ANOTHER ONE.

>> CHER'S BACK SWEAT.

>> POINTS.

>> THIS GOES ON AND ON FOREVER.

TOM.

>> BUTT CRACK GROOMING MISHAP.

>> POINTS!

YOU FOLKS GOT POINTS.

YOU BOTH GOT POINTS.

>> JUST MAKING SURE.

>> OKAY, PAUL SCHEER.

>> OH!

PAUL, YOU HAVE ONE MORE?

>> YES, AGED DICK CHEESE.

>> YOU SAID THAT LIKE PITCH MAN!

GUESS WHAT I'VE GOT?

>> I THINK THE "AGED" PART MAKES

IT CLASSY.

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