Extended - Thursday, September 4, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 09/04/2014

Whitney Cummings, Chris D'Elia and Jim Jefferies come up with adventures for Canadian Superman, #JerseyABook and watch angry public meltdowns on YouTube.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

SIX FLAGS TEXAS IS DEBUTING ANEW ROLLER COASTER CALLED

"BATMAN: THE RIDE."

FORMERLY CALLED "BLANK: THERIDE," BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO

DO WITH BATMAN EXCEPT FOR THEFACT THAT IT MIGHT KILL YOUR

PARENTS IN AN ALLEY.

UH...

THIS ROLLER COASTER IS IN 4-D,MEANING IT EXISTS IN THREE

DIMENSIONS PLUS VOMIT.

RIDERS FLIP UPSIDE DOWN SIXTIMES, BECAUSE FUCK YOU, NECK.

HERE'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

♪ (CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: ZERO BATMANY THINGSABOUT THAT.

(LAUGHTER)>> THE MUSIC.

THE MUSIC WAS BATMANY.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, YES, OFCOURSE THE MUSIC WAS BATMAN.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: BUT THERE WASNOTHING...

>> THE GOTHAM-LIKE WEATHER.

>> YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, I GIVE 100 POINTS TOJIM JEFFERIES FOR THAT.

SO, COMEDIANS, PLEASE, I NEED ABETTER NAME FOR BATMAN: THE

RIDE THAN BATMAN: THE RIDE.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS?

>> UH, THE VAGINAL REJUVENATOR.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: WAIT A MINUTE,THOUGH. THAT...

>> IT LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> HARDWICK: YOU DON'T THINKTHAT WOULD... WITH THE WIND?

>> I THINK IT WOULD...

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING)

I FEEL LIKE I WOULD REVEAL TOOMUCH ABOUT MY VAGINA IF I

EXPLAIN ANYMORE, AND...

>> HEY.

>> ...I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

>> HERE, HERE.

>> NO, LET'S JUST TURN IT INTO ATED TALK. GO.

>> YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: UH, I'LL GIVE 100

POINTS TO WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

JIM JEFFERIES?

>> UH, BATMAN.

MORE LIKE SUPERMAN.

WAIT. NOW, CHRISTOPHER REEVE,THE RIDE?

(LOUD GROANING)(SCATTERED APPLAUSE & CHEERING)

YOU SEE, SEE...

>> POINTS!

>> HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR,CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I KNOW HE WASIN A WHEELCHAIR.

I KNOW HE WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR,JIM.

>> POINTS! POINTS!

>> WELL, MY...

HE DIED FROM IT EVENTUALLY.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT, UH...

>> HARDWICK: YES...

I KNOW HE'S NOT ALIVE ANYMORE,EITHER.

>> THESE ARE JUST FACTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> POINTS.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS.

INTERNET... MOVING ON.

THE INTERNET HAS A LONG LIST OFESTABLISHED OBSESSIONS.

RIGHT NOW, BEYONCE AND PICTURESOF CATS PHOTOSHOPPED INTO SPACE.

NOW, THERE'S PIZZA.

FRIDAY IS NATIONAL CHEESE PIZZADAY, AND THE INTERNET IS FEELING

LIKE THIS.

(MUSIC PLAYING)>> (RHYTHMICALLY): YOU CAN TELL

THAT I AM REALLY HUNGRY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST FEED METHAT CHEESE PIZZA?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> LOOK AT HIS FACE.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T CARE!

I JUST WANT TO GET TO THE OTHERSIDE OF THE BRIDGE!

(LAUGHTER)ENOUGH WITH YOUR RIDDLES!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)ALTHOUGH...

>> HE LOOKS LIKE A FAT CHRISD'ELIA.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> WAIT.

>> HARDWICK: NO.

WELL...

>> YOU DON'T HAVE THE SAME...

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: BUT THE FACIAL HAIRCONFIGURATION IS DIFFERENT.

"DEAR CHIN BEARD, I MISS YOU.

SIGNED, MUSTACHE."

(LAUGHTER)NOW, THE INTERNET'S OBSESSION

WITH PIZZA DOESN'T END WITHEROTIC DANCE VIDEOS LIKE THIS

ONE.

THERE'S ALSO BUTT LOADS OFCHEESY CRAFTS FOR SALE.

LET'S SEE WHICH OF THESE PIZZAPRODUCTS IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE.

A: THIS TASTEFUL NUDE.

MMM.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(LAUGHTER AND MUTTERING)

>> WHAT IS IT, A PICTURE?

>> I DON'T... I DON'T...

ACTUAL SHAPE?

>> BY THE WAY, SWIPE RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: REALLY? FOR THAT?

FOR THAT?

I MEAN, WAIT A MINUTE.

>> ...WITH HIS BELLY BUTTONUPSIDE DOWN.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T WANT TOBRAG, BUT I COULD HAVE USED A

NEW YORK SLICE.

>> I...

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> AND... AND CHRIS HERE COULDHAVE USED A PIZZA BAGEL BITE.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> WHATEVER, DUDE.

>> HARDWICK: B...

>> IT'S MY OWN SHIT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: B: THIS TWIST ON A

CLASSIC LOGO.

YAY!

>> UGH!

WOW.

>> THAT'S GOOD BECAUSE...

>> OH, THAT MAKES ME SAD.

>> YEAH, SHE...

EVEN, LIKE...

OH. BEING A SLUT IS BAD ENOUGH.

BEING A PIZZA SLUT IS, LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: UH, C: THIS SENSUAL

APPAREL.

REMEMBER THE GUY FROM THEYOUTUBE VIDEO?

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY HISGIRLFRIEND CAN GET HIM TO GO

DOWN ON HER.

>> UGH!

(AUDIENCE GROANING)>> HARDWICK: WHICH OF THOSE ARE

THE MOST EXPENSIVE?

WHITNEY CUMMINGS?

>> UGH!

>> A.

>> YEAH.

>> UH, LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS... B.

>> AAH!

>> YEAH?

>> HARDWICK: PIZZA THE SLUT?

>> HEY. THAT GIRL'S ABOUT 500BUCKS AN HOUR, HER.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: $23 FOR THAT. $23.

>> HOW MUCH IS THE OTHER SHIT?

>> UH, LESS THAN $23, I GUESS.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> I... THAT PAINTING WAS LESSTHAN $23.

>> HARDWICK: NOT-NOT EXCEEDING$23, I'M GUESSING.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)UH, GEEKOLOGIE.COM TURNED US ON

TO AN ANNOUNCEMENT BY OURNEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH THAT'S

NOT SO NEIGHBORLY.

THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL OURAMERICAN SUPERMAN AND PUT HIM ON

A SERIES OF CANADIAN COINS.

LIKE THIS ONE.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

(AUDIENCE GROANING AND LAUGHING)WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

METROPOLIS ISN'T IN ALBERTA.

(LAUGHTER)"OH, HEY, WAY UP THERE IN THE

SKY-- WHAT IS THAT THERE?

IS THAT A BIRD?

NO, SORRY. OH, IT'S A PLANE.

WHAT IS THAT-- SUPERMAN?

EH? I DON'T KNOW, 'CAUSE YOUKNOW..."

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)"TRUTH, JUSTICE, THE CANADIAN

WAY."

WOW. I AM FULL OF ACCENTS THISEPISODE.

>> YOU ARE.

>> HARDWICK: I'M ANNOYINGMYSELF.

UH, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU GUYSTO GIVE ME ONE OF THE ADVENTURES

OF CANADIAN SUPERMAN.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> SUPERMAN BOMBS AT THEMONTREAL COMEDY FESTIVAL.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD, THAT'SSO INCRED.

100 POINTS.

I LOVE IT.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMANVERSUS ROB FORD AND HIS

KRYPTONITE CRACK COCAINE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS. YUP.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T

STUTTER.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WAS AMAZING.

OR BATMAN THE RIDE, VERSUSSUPERMAN THE COIN.

WHO KNOWS?

JIM JEFFERIES.

>> SUPERMAN GETS CANCER AND...

(LAUGHTER)...AND DOESN'T HAVE TO GET A

MORTGAGE ON HIS FORTRESS OFSOLITUDE TO PAY FOR IT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, YES, POINTS.

NICE.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)NICE.

>> POLITICAL, CHRIS. POLITICAL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT WAS...

>> BY THE WAY, ARE YOU MICK?

>> HARDWICK: HEY, MAN, THANKSFOR HIGHING UP THE BROW ON THE

SHOW, JIM.

>> YEAH, YEAH. I'M NOT HERE JUSTTO SAY "CUNT" ALL THE TIME.

(GROANING AND LAUGHTER)I'M HERE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE,

MATE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S THE END...

>> UGH! I HOPE YOU GUYS AREENJOYING THIS, 'CAUSE NONE OF

IT'S GONNA AIR ON THE SHOW.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THIS SATURDAY IS READ-A-BOOK

DAY, AND IT'S ALSO CHRISCHRISTIE'S BIRTHDAY, SO WE

THOUGHT WE WOULD ARBITRARILY TIETWO EVENTS YOU PROBABLY DON'T

CARE ABOUT TOGETHER WITHTONIGHT'S HASHTAG #JERSEYABOOK.

#JERSEYABOOK.

SEE, NOW YOU CARE ABOUT THOSETHINGS, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)EXAMPLES WOULD BE, UH, "OTHELLO.

EH! THIS FUCKIN' GUY."

OR "ULYSSES.

NO YO LISEES."

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

(LAUGHTER)I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

OLD CLOCK.

AND GO. LET'S BEGIN.

JIM JEFFERIES.

>> UH, CATCHER IN THE FACE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)POINTS. JIM JEFFERIES.

>> UH, THE JERSEY SHORE SHANKREDEMPTION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. NICE.

OH, GOOD.

>> THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

>> HARDWICK: WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> ARE YOU THERE, GOD?

BECAUSE NEW JERSEY IS MAKING METHINK YOU DON'T EXIST.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS. GOOD.

YEAH. JIM.

>> CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATEFACTORY OUTLET.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS. WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> MOBY DICK PICKS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WHITNEY AGAIN.

>> OH, 50 SHADES OF ORANGE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

CHRIS.

>> MY THING DOESN'T WORK!

IT DOESN'T WORK!

>> HARDWICK: CHRIS D'ELIA.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> OF MICE AND MEN, YOUSE GUYS.

(LAUGHTER)COME ON, MAN.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> UH... THE ADVENTURES OFHUCKLEBERRY FUHGET-ABOUT-IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

>> GOOD ONE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> CATCH 22 VENEREAL DISEASES.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> MRS. DALLOWAY. SHE BLEW ME.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

>> ALL RIGHT. COOL.

YEAH, MAN!

(LAUGHTER)IT'S TIME TO PLAY SUPER FREAKS,

SUPER FREAKS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)ONE REASON NOT TO LOSE YOUR

COOL, ASIDE FROM JUST NOT BEINGA DICK IN THE WORLD, IS YOU

NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT BECAUGHT ON CAMERA, AND, LIKE THIS

NEXT GROUP OF PEOPLE, YOURLASTING LEGACY COULD END UP

BEING AN INTERNET VIDEO OF YOUTHROWING A TANTRUM THAT WOULD

EMBARRASS A TODDLER.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU GUYS AYOUTUBE FREAKOUT, AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU EXPLAIN WHY THISPERSON WAS LOSING THEIR SHIT.

FIRST UP, WATCH THIS BUDDINGCOMPUTER ENGINEER BLOW A

CIRCUIT.

>> FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!

YOU ARE A FUCKIN'... EVERYONE ISFUCKIN' RUDE, BECAUSE YOU'RE

FUCKIN' TOO STUPID TO REALIZETHAT PEOPLE... WORK THEY FUCKIN'

DO!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: WOW.

FINALS WERE NOT GOING WELL FORTHAT KID. WHITNEY.

>> UH, HBO GO JUST CRASHED, ANDNOW HE HAS TO JERK OFF TO

SHOWTIME.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GO. POINTS.

POINTS. YEAH. UH, CHRIS?

>> JUST FOUND OUT THAT HARRISONFORD BROKE HIS LEG ON THE SET OF

THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE.

>> HARDWICK: YES!

IT'S INFURIATING! POINTS.

JIM.

>> THERE'S A NEW DRESS CODE INCLASS THAT YOU CAN'T WEAR

JIZZ-COVERED HOODIES ANYMORE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WHAT?! NO!

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)POINTS.

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: HOW ABOUT THISANNOYED PIZZA PATRON?

>> JUST PUT THE FUCKIN' PIZZA INTHE FUCKING OVEN!

DON'T ASK ME TO STAND HEREORDERING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

(INDISTINCT TALKING)>> AUDIENCE: OH!

>> BASTARD!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)>> HARDWICK: UH-OH.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)JIM JEFFERIES.

>> THE LAST FULL MOON SHE WASBITTEN BY A CUNT.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: YES, INDEED.

NO! A WERE-CUNT?!

POINTS. CHRIS.

>> UH, JUST FOUND OUT PAPA JOHNISN'T HER REAL FATHER.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?! NO! POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS AGRO MOTORIST?

>> GET OUT OF YOUR FUCKIN' CAR!

GET OUT!

(SCREECHING)>> WHOA! WHOA!

(BANGS ON WINDOW)(BELL DINGS)

>> MINE DOESN'T WORK.

>> HARDWICK: YES, JIM?

>> HE JUST FOUND OUT THAT EDHARDY'S STOCK DROPPED 20%.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

HE'S VERY UPSET. POINTS.

POINTS. WHITNEY.

>> UH, HE JUST FOUND YOU'RE NOTSUPPOSED TO MIX STEROIDS AND

COCAINE.

>> HARDWICK: NO! POINTS.

WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO FINDOUT.

YES, CHRIS?

>> UH, JUST FOUND OUT HE COULDHAVE SAVED 15% BY SWITCHING TO

GEICO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE THAT'S ACOMPLETE OVERREACTION TO THAT.

>> HARDWICK: YES. NEXT ONE.

HOLY MELTDOWN, IT'S BAT SHITBATMAN!

>> ...GANGSTA ONE OF YOU,MOTHERFUCKER!

YOU THINK HE GANGSTA, BUT HEAIN'T NO GANGSTA!

>> NO, HE'S NOT.

>> I KNOW A GANGSTA WHEN I SEEONE!

>> RIGHT.

>> SHIT!

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: NO.

IT'S... YOU GUYS, I GET IT, IT'SDC AND MARVEL, MAN, THEY'RE JUST

NOT...

YES, CHRIS?

>> UH, JUST FOUND OUT AFTER 43YEARS THAT BATMAN'S A WHITE GUY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, NO!

YEAH. POINTS.

OKAY, JIM.

>> WELL, OF COURSE HE'S UPSET--HE SAW HIS PARENTS GET KILLED IN

FRONT OF HIM. I MEAN...

>> HARDWICK: OH, GOD, THAT'SSO...

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT'S THE BEST ONE.

THAT'S THE BEST ONE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> THAT'S THE BEST ONE.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, FINALLY,

THIS SAGGING FAST-FOOD CUSTOMER.

>> I WILL BEAT YOU ALL OVERTHOSE FRENCH FRIES, BOY!

I'M GONNA RUN THROUGHTHIS RESTAURANT.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)(BELL DINGS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: EW!

OH, NO! OH, GROSS!

OH, MY JUNK JUST TOUCHED AFAST-FOOD FLOOR! OH, NO!

JIM JEFFERIES.

>> HE'S UPSET THAT HISGIRLFRIEND STILL HASN'T COME

BACK WITH THE PIZZA FROM PAPAJOHN'S.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, GENIUS!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)EXCELLENT. WHITNEY.

>> HE JUST REALIZED THAT HE'LLNEVER KNOW WHAT THE INSIDE OF A

VAGINA FEELS LIKE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DOES IT FEEL ANYTHING LIKE THEFLOOR OF A FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT?

'CAUSE I KNOW WHAT THAT FEELSLIKE.

POINTS. CHRIS.

>> UH, JUST FOUND OUT THAT HE'SAN ADULT WEARING A BRIGHT YELLOW

SHIRT AND GREEN SHORTS.

>> HARDWICK: YES. MM-HMM.

POINTS.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY...

>> I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT'S GONNAHAPPEN WHEN YOU FIND OUT THAT

YOU'RE WEARING THAT.

>> MAY I SAY SOMETHING?

THAT'S AUSTRALIA'S COLORS, MYFRIEND. ALL RIGHT?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT'S OUR NATIONAL COLORS.

THAT'S AUSTRALIAN GREEN ANDGOLD!

IT'S NOT FUCKIN' YELLOW, IT'SGOLD!

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, JIM...

JIM'S VERY UPSET RIGHT NOW.

>> OKAY, THOSE, UM... THOSE AREALSO THE COLORS FOR BLIMPIE

MART.

(LAUGHTER)>> THEY ARE, THEY ARE.

>> I KNOW.

>> WHICH IS OUR NUMBER ONEINDUSTRY.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME--IGNYTHING GOES!

IGNYTHING GOES!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY DESTINY, INSTORES SEPTEMBER 9.

♪ (CHEERING, WHOOPING)

ALL RIGHT, SO DESTINY IS APOPULAR TOPIC ON GAMER MESSAGE

BOARDS AT IGN.COM, UH, BUT GAMESAND CONSOLES AREN'T THE ONLY

TALK ON THE BOARDS-- THE REST ISRANDOMLY WEIRD INSANITY.

I'M GONNA READ YOU TWO, UH, IGNMESSAGE BOARD THREAD TITLES, AND

YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHICH ONE ISREAL.

FIRST ONE.

(BELL DINGS)>> WHAT'S... WHAT'S HAPPENING?

>> HARDWICK: YES, JIM?

>> YOU GOTTA... IT'S REFLEXES.

UH...

THE SECOND ONE.

SHAVED, WAXED OR TRIMMED: HOWSHALL I STYLE MY DAD?

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

OH, YOUR WIFE DECIDES TO NAMEYOUR SON KARL.

HOW DO YOU REACT?

>> YOUR WIFE DECIDES TO NAMEYOUR SON KARL.

I'LL GO LIKE THIS.

ALL RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: I... TO THE...

NOW, TO THE... TO THE KARLSCENARIO, THIS GUY HAD THE BEST

RESPONSE.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)NEXT ONE, WHERE CAN I RECYCLE

THESE JARS OF MY PISS?

OR WALTON GOGGINS IS A SUPERBACTOR, WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

>> (BLEEP)UH, I JUST WANT TO GET THIS ONE.

WHERE CAN I RECYCLE THESE JARSOF MY PISS?

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GREAT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

WALTON GOGGINS IS A SUPERBACTOR.

>> THE PERSON NEAR THE BOTTOMDOESN'T KNOW WHAT A THREESOME

IS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I KNOW.

"I WANNA... I WANNA DO ATHREESOME WITH HIM AND CLAY

MATTHEWS.

AND OPRAH." THAT'S A FOURSOME.

BUT... OUR GRAPHICS DEPARTMENTDID TAKE THE LIBERTY OF

IMAGINING WHAT THAT MIGHT LOOKLIKE.

AND THAT'S WHAT THAT WOULD LOOKLIKE.

'CAUSE WE DON'T... HAVE THEOTHER PERSON SO WE DON'T KNOW

WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.

LAST ONE, LAST ONE.

IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT,WILL.I.AM WAS ELECTED ALL-TIME

POPE OR REMEMBER WHEN FERGIEPEED HERSELF ON STAGE?

CHRIS D'ELIA.

>> THE SECOND ONE.

FERGIE PEED ON STAGE.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

REMEMBER WHEN FERGIE PEEDHERSELF ON STAGE?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)>> I-I BET SHE DID IT AGAIN WHEN

SHE WAS ON KIDS INCORPORATED.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD, IFORGOT ABOUT THAT.

>> SHE WAS ON KIDS INCORPORATED.

I DON'T... I DON'T WATCH THATSHOW NOW, BUT...

>> IT ALSO KIND OF, IN HERDEFENSE, LOOKS LIKE SHE'S TRYING

TO PISS ON THE LEFT.

SHE'S JUST LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW?

(GROWLING)THERE IT IS!

TINDER DATE OPENING LINES.

TINDER DATE OPENING LINES.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)TINDER ISN'T JUST A GREAT APP TO

GET YOU LAID-- IT'S ALSO A GREATAPP TO HEAR TERRIBLE PICKUP

LINES AND GO ON DATES THAT'LLMAKE YOU WANT TO SHOWER FOR 30

HOURS STRAIGHT.

I WANT YOU TO COME UP WITHTERRIBLE OPENING LINES THAT YOU

WOULD NEVER WANT TO HEAR ON ATINDER DATE.

LET'S BEGIN. 60 SECONDS. GO.

(BELL DINGS)YES, JIM.

>> I HAVE SMALL FISTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)POINTS. WHITNEY.

>> UH, WANT TO MAKE A SEX TAPE?

TOO LATE.

>> HARDWICK: OH, POINTS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)CHRIS.

>> AW, I SHOULD'VE JERKED OFFINSTEAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)POINTS. WHITNEY.

>> I CAN'T WAIT TO KISS YOU ALLOVER YOUR DEAD BODY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JIM.

>> RAPE-FREE SINCE 2003.

>> HARDWICK: NICE. OKAY. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)CHRIS.

>> WHITNEY?!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)CHRIS.

>> WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I USED TOBE THE MASCOT FOR THE GLASGOW

DIAMONDS.

>> HARDWICK: OH! GOOD CALLBACK!

POINTS!